Yesternow Rememberings.

I’ve been here before
Familiar feelings, familiar side effects.
I guess last time I didn’t learn the lesson
So what is it I’m trying to understand?
Uncover and reform the energy of before
Disassemble and redistribute emotions
Wanting to get this right
Wanting to grow and become a better person
And yet –
Here, now, in this very moment, is all that really matters
Within the timeless being of mindfulness is enough
Perhaps not perfection as can be judged
Just, perfection in being present –
In committing my energy to honour and love
For myself, then, for others
The first seems the hardest,
While the second comes naturally.
Looking for answers to ease my mind
Guidance to direct my thoughts,
So that action may follow
And it seems that there are other energies at play
Both supporting and molesting my growth.
Before, when my eyes were opened,
My heart flared with inner power
And now I’ve been lost again in the darkness
Searching blindly for direction,
For anything solid to carry me forwards.
It’s difficult to lead oneself out of the dark
Only guessing on direction,
Unaware of the circular path worn in the landscape
Missing trees, missing the green and the sunshine
I forget so easily what was, and
Get lost so easily in the yesternow.
Sometimes stepping forwards is terrifying
While staying in one place is certain death.
Through the fabric of my world bleeds everyone’s fears
Sensitivities expose this heart to those emotions
Yet, while crumbling in pain
I would shine out as lighthouse in the storm.
Shipwrecked,
Support rallies around me
Let me be conscious to embrace the care
Let there be light on my face and in my heart.

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Comparisons.

Feeling guilt over the validity of my pain
Comparing my childhood story with yours

Yet I know this is no competition
And we each bear our own challenges
We each learn in our own ways

Why does comparison even come into it?

How do we accept this and grow?

Wanting life to be right and just, does not make it so

All we can do is live our own integrity

Falling into a Moment.

Today, is just as times before. When I feel the pain of another’s story, long after my ears have heard. When I remember back to my own journeys through the pain of chronic ill-health. And the mental anguish of being unable to function for days, weeks, months. The self-imposed stresses. The very real stress of maintaining a relationship whilst unable to maintain yourself. Being unable to work, unable to generate income, unable to meet deadlines.
Unable. Disable. Needing more enable, but those days were rare.
I have known defeat, suffering, struggle, and loss. Somehow I have found my way out of those depths and stand here today.

.

Pain reaches forwards
Up from the past
Clutching and dragging me
Back
Fearing all that
Now, as then

And I tell myself right now
These are emotional ghosts
They have no power over me
Except that which I give them.
Though I feel unsteady, unsafe
My comfort lies in others
Asking for help
Accepting supportive hands
Belief in my own inner strength.
These are my tools
With these now I survive
And prepare to thrive once more
This is my hope, my truth.

One Relationship for Two.

Today I realised

How much I know about her

And just how little I know about her

What she shares about herself

And just what she never lets out


Twenty one years on

And today it hits me

How much I have tried to know her

And just how little she has ever revealed

How much she hides herself away


Today I realised

A relationship is about growing together

Giving into and taking hold of each other intimately

Not just holding hands and talking

But losing yourselves in each other

Just the way that hasn’t happened

Twenty one years on

 
.

 
[ those of you with long-term relationship experience, what are your thoughts on the depth of a relationship? ]

Remember, There is Love.

Feeling unsettled,
exhausted,
uncomfortable,
uneasy

Focussing on the experience with curiosity

Letting it be,
sitting with it,
getting a feel for it

Approaching the difficult feelings,
what are they made of?

Pain

Fear

Hurt

Terror

Loss

These are truly difficult emotions

Give myself some space,
this IS what I’m feeling
and it IS draining

Don’t be hard on yourself

This is NOT failure

This is REAL experience

This IS life (sometimes).

Just breathe into it, gently

Allow yourself to go with it

This won’t last

It WILL pass.

For now, surround yourself in gentle love

Know you are loved.

This experience MEANS something,
even if you don’t understand it

It means you feel,
deeply

It means you care

And just as you do, so others care deeply about you

Even if you don’t feel that right now

It’s true!

Remember all they say and do

Giving without expectation

“No thanks required” one said

They just do it because they care,

The person you are, 

ALL of you,

They care

They love you

You are loved.

Hang onto that truth.

Whatever else you feel,

That truth still exists

Put it in your back pocket,

Or hold it tight against your chest

There is one emotion to guide you through everything

Love.

Growing Pains.

When feeling overwhelmed
I need to remind myself
That I am not a failure
nor falling apart,

That I am surviving
and growing
Even through the hurt.

I am learning about myself
and revealing
my hidden innerness

Discovering that which
was buried
under layers
of world misinterpretation

For this realisation
I thank my close friends
real friends
with their own pain and suffering
but always the most genuine love in their hearts.

.

[dedicated with thanks to my dear friend Lisa, for today’s deep discussion and encouragemt]

Thoughts Severing.

Every day                          (after day after day)
That I hurt                         (in silence and hate)
About this relationship                       (and you)
Justifiably                              (in my own mind)
Without response                     (that I can see)
Cuts deeper than before          (imperceptibly)
Leaves me wondering                   (constantly)
When completely severed                         (off)
Will I feel                                           (anything)
Heavier or Lighter?            (or anything at all?)

No Apology.

I’m not saying sorry
I won’t apologise
I meant what I said
and I said what I meant
and I meant what I said one hundred percent.
I know you felt hurt
By my unintentional ranting
But I had been hurt so much
by your actions
by your words that shut me down
that had no love for me
that put up a barrier
because you were uncomfortable with my feelings.
So I had to let you know
as rationally as possible
that letting someone vent
is ok, even
if you think they are being silly
at technology frustrations
Just let it go
As I was attempting to
But don’t shut me up
Because of your own insecurities.

.

[ my response to Pooky’s Poetry Prompt 31 – Apology. With apologies only to Dr. Seuss ]