Memory. Memories.

Feeling that I’ve forgotten so much

Because I can remember so little

of the details from years past

from apparently significant years

that others recall.

And I don’t know why that is

My mind supposes and questions

Trauma, pain, wanting to forget?

Or do I as an emotional person

focus memories on emotions

feelings and experiences

that I feel strongly?

Why the difference – or

have I been focussed on differences

rather than embracing variety?

Difference was pressed upon me

as a child. Therefore wanting

to be the same became a focus

Problematic relationships enhanced

my perceptions of separateness

Self-perpetuating experiences

within and without

Preceded by the complexities of

mental illness

brain chemistry imbalance.

And right there again

Difference

Compared to most others.

Remembering enough to know

that feeling different

for most of my life

Leaves a mark this is difficult to

remove

Why would I want to do that?

Why deny who I am for the sake of

others?

And then through many experiences

finding myself,

learning, by facing up to the pain

by braving new experiences

instead of repeating old patterns

Pushing past subconscious influences

Deciding and choosing for myself

what benefits me

Not what I wanted others to feel

Letting go of the old memories

Choosing to focus

on new memorable experiences.

Now, for the first time I can remember

Feeling less separated

Finding a kindred spirit with whom

everything is normal, accepted, loved.

And remembering a little more

Being able to recall without pain

Brings a union to the everyday.

I remember sharing more than before

I remember to be myself with others

Remembering bravery, love

and compassion.

Remembering to care for myself

as I care for those closest to me.

Remembering to love within as without.

Time to Feel.

There is time to feel
what comes forth in the day
Uncomfortable emotions
sadness and tiring extremes
Let them be
Let them flow along like a river
Be there for yourself
Be the understanding and compassionate
caring supporter that you need
in these moments
It is all okay
Feeling, is being more human
more real and more alive
After pains and distractions
you can discover real joy
Real freedom, real calm
Real life is out there
And it comes from inside you.

.

[20 May 2021]

Monday in Six parts.

The world leans to the left
Off-balance, I feel like falling
Yet to my right an invisible anchor
On this chair
Balancing my body in space
Pressured by unknown forces
Closed eyes bring more confusion
Sitting still, is swaying
Not moving, is swirling around.

Then voices call my name
From another place
that is neither here nor now.

Stimulate the senses with movement,
with coffee
Letting the experience be
Trying to let it go, like double-sided glue tape.

Sunshine therapy with physical stillness
Lets the head pain become apparent
Tilt my head towards the sun
Release my body, let muscles relax
Feel the breeze tugging at my clothes,
Fabric protects me from the chill
Then clouds part and the sun beams full Autumn strength onto my hand and face
The glorious warm glow from a fire 150 million kilometres away
Soaking into my skin
Heat circulating under my clothes
As I sit facing North East.

Body tremors
as it processes unpleasant irritants
Myriad internal battles
unbeknownst to my consciousness
as it attempts to make sense of this day
As I search for a stability of being
As feelings and emotions mix the physical and ephemeral worlds.

Writing with shaking hands
Squinting through sunshine
The world connects with me
as I attempt to ground myself with it
Birdsong becomes apparent above the background traffic noise
As hearing connects with nature
As nature connects with me
As I sense the grass nearby
The plants and life active within
the thinnest surface layer of the earth
My own roots reach deeper
Searching for gravity, solidity, molten metal flowing deep towards the centre of this living ball of amazing
that shelters us from the great nothingness out there
The all-ness that we are
The great connection between every living cell, every individual and sentience that we share air and energy with
Every spirit and soul past and present exists right now, right here, with us
When you remember, their existence continues,
their influence continues,
their significance and meaning carries you and I along
As we need support, so it is there
As we need reminders, so they talk to us in ways that may not be apparent right now.
We all are
We are what was and what we choose to be
Be this with your loved ones
Be this with acquaintances and strangers
Be who you need to be, and
Be all that you can.

.

[3 May 2021]

This Journey.

In time, you discover more of who you are, and you gain confidence in being yourself (or else you care much less what others think).

Being at ease within, lets you find and connect with souls in tune with the real you.

Easily digestible platitudes from social media are not the solution. It takes difficult emotional work to face up to who you really are, and to discover who you really want to be. It’s not about what you want in life, it’s about your internal/external focus and balance, it’s about what is in your heart and what energy your soul attracts from the surrounding world.

See within, who you are. See what it is that makes your place in existence significant. Every thought, word, or action you choose influences the world, frequently in ways unseen. Do not be afraid of this — be thankful for this. Be grateful to touch other souls, in the everyday, and occasionally in the extraordinary.

This is your responsibility. This is your gift. This is your precious life.

Finding the Sunshine.

Finding some self support
Telling myself good work for what was managed
Preemptively silencing the inner critic
Focusing on positive outcomes
in the midst of difficult days.
Learning this technique
from the person beside me
So much just like me
With many more years of positive voice
The perfect exemplar for me
Watching how a trusted caring soul
helps themself;
Helps me by example.
Thankful
Grateful
Acknowledging my positives
Shining a light against the darkness.

A new EōN.

Screen capture from iOS app EōN, algorithmically generated Art & Music by Jean-Michel Jarre.
Channeling in
to the pain I feel inside
The emotional upheaval
and the unknown cause
Because I don’t like not knowing
Because to just accept this,
is difficult
When my whole life has been
striving to create some comfort
within a world that was
always so uncomfortable,
physically and emotionally.

Today I had to dive in
to the difficult hours
from this week past
And describe how I felt,
what I thought,
Reconnecting to those moments
To see where my thoughts
were really at
Hearing another perspective
To understand a way forwards
And tonight I could cry
Emotionally spent and weary.

So again I’m in the midst
of uncomfortableness
Not knowing how to cry
Fearful of the pain, of
wanting to curl up
and disappear from existence
Frustrated from feeling this way
When I could be celebrating life
Enjoying my new-found
freedom within a relationship.

The drum beats of EōN
shift my energy
Once again,
music is my saviour
Can a disconnected Artificial Inteligence
know my mood
sense my feelings
interpret a response?
One day this will be commonplace
For now happenstance is my friend.

With a clearer head
and a lighter heart
I commit myself to the night
To rest and recuperation
To new beginnings in new days
Tomorrow will be
what I make of it
Conscious choice will define
every moment as I travel
through the intersecting threads
of my world.

May your world and mine
interact and play
in a positive way
May we both feel significant,
useful,
real in some way that matters
May there be reason to smile
Reason to feel really alive
An energy that carries us
Forwards, together
Creating a brighter reality
A sense of purpose and belonging.

Holding On.

Some words must be blocked out

Never heard

Their dark, desperate,

deep disturbance

Disrupts the thine line

That I walk each day.

As they creep from the silence

I seek noise, distraction

action, engagement,

Push away the pressure

Leaving space for light.

Scarce lightness

Found outside in the sunshine

With the wind through my hair

As I glide along greenways

Nature ways

Pathways to sanity,

clarity, comfort.

There are no shortcuts

I know no easy way

to traverse time.

Just this time I find my way

quickly, quietly

Hopefully, generously,

happily, thoroughly

Following the hand

leading me along the light

Holding your hand tight

Holding what feels right.

Responsifeelingly.

Feeling responsible for others

and how my actions have influenced them

Telling myself that it is beyond my control

That I am not responsible for their life (any more)

Leaving behind, what I had to move away from

Will I forever be entangled with a past

that was so much of me?

Here, now, is who I am

This is where I decide who I will be

Where I cut emotional ties

and release myself from all that was.

Yesternow Rememberings.

I’ve been here before
Familiar feelings, familiar side effects.
I guess last time I didn’t learn the lesson
So what is it I’m trying to understand?
Uncover and reform the energy of before
Disassemble and redistribute emotions
Wanting to get this right
Wanting to grow and become a better person
And yet –
Here, now, in this very moment, is all that really matters
Within the timeless being of mindfulness is enough
Perhaps not perfection as can be judged
Just, perfection in being present –
In committing my energy to honour and love
For myself, then, for others
The first seems the hardest,
While the second comes naturally.
Looking for answers to ease my mind
Guidance to direct my thoughts,
So that action may follow
And it seems that there are other energies at play
Both supporting and molesting my growth.
Before, when my eyes were opened,
My heart flared with inner power
And now I’ve been lost again in the darkness
Searching blindly for direction,
For anything solid to carry me forwards.
It’s difficult to lead oneself out of the dark
Only guessing on direction,
Unaware of the circular path worn in the landscape
Missing trees, missing the green and the sunshine
I forget so easily what was, and
Get lost so easily in the yesternow.
Sometimes stepping forwards is terrifying
While staying in one place is certain death.
Through the fabric of my world bleeds everyone’s fears
Sensitivities expose this heart to those emotions
Yet, while crumbling in pain
I would shine out as lighthouse in the storm.
Shipwrecked,
Support rallies around me
Let me be conscious to embrace the care
Let there be light on my face and in my heart.

Getting Over It?

Relationship grief is tricky

Mourning the loss of what was

Mourning the loss of what might have been

Grieving the pain that became

Coming to terms with your choices,
the decisions that put you there,
for better or for worse.

Responsibility is always shared

Outcomes are the result of reasons

Sometimes beyond our control.

Forgetting is not an option

You are today, because of yesterday

No matter what has been
you always have a choice of what comes next.

Hopefully, we integrate and grow

Our desire to be better,
no matter what was.

And when I can no longer manage
the hurt that still pulls me apart

I hold onto the one solid piece of me

The love that I still give, that still burns brightly.