My heart. My head.

There is so much more I need to say
To the world, to you, and to myself
I need to hear the encouragement that only comes from a changed state of being
From a fresh way of thinking
From love overpowering fear
And it’s greatest source is hidden inside me
I want to hear it loud and proud
And each day I cry for another vision
Another visit from the tenderness that had been lost
I. Keep. Pushing. Forwards.
Searching. For. More. Of. This.
And the fear claws me back, holds me back,
Stabs my back and leaves me bleeding in pain
When all I want is Peace. Love. Life. Connection.
How do I connect with strength ephemeral?
Wanting more. Looking for more. Searching
Tell me where to look
Help me see what I need to… Be.
When deep ruts steer me wayward
I ask for guidance, for a gift
To heal the rift inside my heart, my head.

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Love Challenges.

You said I needed to make up my mind
When I make it up every day
But following through with those decisions is where I fall down.
I want some*thing*
But I also want to help others enjoy life
And some*times* I let that over-ride my own feelings.
Did you ever consider my feelings?
Did we ever talk about how I really felt underneath the surface?
We all want to be happy
So how do we blend our own happiness with those around us?
How do we all sit together in peace, and love,
feeling connected and supportive of each other?
Perhaps the challenge is overcoming our own pride
Perhaps when we start seeing others as equally important
and equally worthy of our consideration and energy
Perhaps then we will all feel it –
The collective human energy that we desire
An equal focus on ourselves and others
An equal tolerance for ourselves as for others
This works for me, and,
just maybe it is what we all needed to hear.

[ 15 August 2017 ]

Without Judgement.


[ original photo by @xisarahix on instagram ]

Realising this morning that I’ve been sitting in fear these past weeks. 

I’ve been fighting it, resisting it, trying so hard to be right. 

Worrying about long-term relationships; about the new and subtly about the past. 

Through all the “what ifs” “shoulds” and “was I right?” I found a place this morning. A little bit of comfort, perhaps some resolution, and definitely a way forward from here. 

From 13th Century philosopher Rumi:
“Out beyond the ideas of right-doing and wrong-doing there is a field – I’ll meet you there.”

This is the place where I will sit down, to spend some time, to talk through my life with other humans. 

Because the biggest gift I can grant myself, and the biggest gift anyone else can give me right now, is to sit (with me) and consider my life so far – without judgement.

Advice You Never Asked For.

I admit I don’t know your full story. 

But I encourage you to write because of my own experiences of that being a hugely beneficial path to take. 

When I was depressed for years, 

frequently suicidal, for years

when writing was my only emotional outlet, I pushed through it all and eventually pushed out through all the hurt into something that was truly a little bit beautiful amidst the terrible darkness. 

It was on the advice of a dear friend I started blogging. Fear made me keep it anonymous. But what I met was a writing community that embraced me and encouraged me in every way. I found friends who taught me about understanding and grief, about strength and persistence, about discovery and perseverance.

And I am forever grateful for that experience. 

I see now how I pushed myself through the fear. Partly out of fear of the darkness, but mostly because ALWAYS inside me, no matter what other shit was going on, there was the tiniest spark of light that guided me onwards. Perhaps it was a genetic gift from my mother, of hope or optimism. Perhaps it was the repeated words of a few close friends who reminded me during those darkest times that it wouldn’t last, that life will get better, that I deserved better, that just hanging on for another minute is all I needed to do in the moment. 

How can I not be grateful for experiencing that genuine expression of love from people I’ve only known for a few years?!

And now it’s my time to shine for myself, and for others. It’s my time to pass on the love. To “pay it forward” to someone else. Not out of any duty, or karma, just because its who I am. Simple, honest, caring for other humans. (And because, well, in that place, there are new lessons for me too.)

So I don’t know what you want in your life, what your personal goals are. But I see you already caring for and discovering yourself in many ways. We all want to “be better” or perhaps just “feel better”. While that path is a very personal choice, I see you finding your way forwards already.

And I just want to encourage you to do, and to keep doing, whatever it takes to maintain forward momentum in your life.

I encourage you past the fears in whatever way it takes, because that is just the way forwards. 

Don’t be afraid. Just be who you need to be.

=

[ feature/title image aerial photography of Mona Vale Beach, Australia, by Bo Le @safromabove ]

Instagram Poets.

Photo scrolls up
A familiar style
Already I know it’s you
Hesitating to read
Knowing
Your words draw me in
Completely
Carrying away to a new place
Every time
Every moment
Not ready for this adventure
Turning off and tuning out
Your precious gift awaits
We will meet soon
When my time is right

.

[ I’ve been spending more time on instagram lately, sharing my shorter poetry with integrated visuals. It feels closer to what I’m striving for artistically. Feel free to join me there. And if you also put writing there, do let me know. I live for all your words. ]

Awareness Questions in 2 Parts and A Sad Conclusion.

Standing back, to get a clearer picture of what is going on
Not yet ready to step away from it completely
Wanting to understand this territory of pain
But why?
And does that matter, does any of this really matter?
Does any of this questioning and searching serve me any more?
I notice the struggle to let go of this moment
What am I hanging onto?
Is this just fear of change, or something much more?
The current advisory is to just be with it all
Paying no mind to what can or cannot be managed on any given day
Being at ease with just needing to rest, or to just feel
Which sits very uncomfortably with me
With my need to feel productive, to feel active
Ponderous times that I must journey through
Before being able to step into the productive day
Is this moment in time the journey’s end or a fresh start?

•••

If I stop fighting (this war inside my head)
Does that mean I give up, or give in?
If I stop pushing and resisting the lies
What does that reality look like?
If I stop the active struggle, the result
Curling up in bed, withdrawing in fear
Unable to face the world through exhaustion
And inability to concentrate or function
Replacing one undesirable situation
With another.
A friend keeps mentioning acceptance
This word keeps crossing my consciousness
Imagining it might just work, I hesitate
So tired to find the energy for any action.
As a tear trickles down my left cheek
I contemplate my present, for my future.

•••

I just want future me to be happier
With life
To not be engulfed by pain
Physical and mental
It’s too late for present me
All has led to this current experience
Lost in the shroud of darkness.

Black as Coal Dust.

Wanting to write words of meaning
Of guidance, love, and trust
And finding thoughts, instead
Preoccupied with pain, unease, and
Me.
No room for anythink else, when
Frequently preoccupied with
Thoughts of survival, escape,
Unhappiness.
Here, there is no magic kingdom
Only a coal face of hard work,
Struggle.
I want to dance, but
The headroom and atmosphere
Down here is so,
Oppressive.
Crushed by the very thought
Of a cave-in
While lighting a candle, will surely
Ignite the explosive dust
Surrounding me;
Safety
Is the only pain prevention
Ever drummed into me, and
There are pills for that
Tonics for your health
Yet they all fail to medicate
What matters to me
I grip the bottle tightly
But it’s gone,
Already emptied.
Weak muscles wish to unravel
This tightly coiled,
Personality.
I see bones, I see skin,
I see nothing within
And the shock of emptiness
Is all that carries through,
Carried back home.
Before everything else
There was nothing
And the future holds nothing, but
The contents of today.

Constant Doubts.

I’m talking directly to you today. I need straight answers to straight talk.

Why do so many humans (still) feel alone? Good people. Liked by others. Personable. But seeming, in some abstract way, to not fit in. A feeling of never quite connecting with others. Not invited to join in. Never a “best friend” always an “acquaintance”.

I know these are insecurities. And I suspect untruths. Talk to me. I need to hear your story. Whether you agree or think differently. I need to know if you feel the same. If you have honest observations of me. If I misunderstand the world around me. 

I need to hear others’ truth.  What will you say to me?

Seeking Love.

Of Love and Loss

Learning to love myself
Learning to fully look after myself
Providing all the parenting I missed as a child
Protecting, comforting, reassuring, accepting
And loving me just as I am
Is what I need to do.
It’s so easy to think
I just need others to fulfil that for me
But then I will always be wanting, expecting
Being needy, maybe demanding of others.
I once wrote “I feel like I’ve never been loved”
That makes it difficult to love
Difficult to accept love
And sometimes I feel ashamed

(23 November 2015)

“For whatever reasons we can feel like we’ve never been looked after fully. We have to be our own parent, protecting, comforting, reassuring, accepting and loving us as we are. It’s not easy and the invitation to feel angry and hard done by is strong. Why do we have to do the hard work, especially if we are…

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