Photo scrolls up
A familiar style
Already I know it’s you
Hesitating to read
Your words draw me in
Carrying away to a new place
Not ready for this adventure
Turning off and tuning out
Your precious gift awaits
We will meet soon
When my time is right
[ I’ve been spending more time on instagram lately, sharing my shorter poetry with integrated visuals. It feels closer to what I’m striving for artistically. Feel free to join me there. And if you also put writing there, do let me know. I live for all your words. ]
Standing back, to get a clearer picture of what is going on
Not yet ready to step away from it completely
Wanting to understand this territory of pain
And does that matter, does any of this really matter?
Does any of this questioning and searching serve me any more?
I notice the struggle to let go of this moment
What am I hanging onto?
Is this just fear of change, or something much more?
The current advisory is to just be with it all
Paying no mind to what can or cannot be managed on any given day
Being at ease with just needing to rest, or to just feel
Which sits very uncomfortably with me
With my need to feel productive, to feel active
Ponderous times that I must journey through
Before being able to step into the productive day
Is this moment in time the journey’s end or a fresh start?
If I stop fighting (this war inside my head)
Does that mean I give up, or give in?
If I stop pushing and resisting the lies
What does that reality look like?
If I stop the active struggle, the result
Curling up in bed, withdrawing in fear
Unable to face the world through exhaustion
And inability to concentrate or function
Replacing one undesirable situation
A friend keeps mentioning acceptance
This word keeps crossing my consciousness
Imagining it might just work, I hesitate
So tired to find the energy for any action.
As a tear trickles down my left cheek
I contemplate my present, for my future.
I just want future me to be happier
To not be engulfed by pain
Physical and mental
It’s too late for present me
All has led to this current experience
Lost in the shroud of darkness.
Doubt within my heart
Swells with the questioning of myself
Questions that spark from
Emotional Relational turmoil
No-one else expresses them
So why do I create them?
[ thanks to @mandy.steward for the question prompt that sparked this and @quietnoticing for the background image ]
Wanting to write words of meaning
Of guidance, love, and trust
And finding thoughts, instead
Preoccupied with pain, unease, and
No room for anythink else, when
Frequently preoccupied with
Thoughts of survival, escape,
Here, there is no magic kingdom
Only a coal face of hard work,
I want to dance, but
The headroom and atmosphere
Down here is so,
Crushed by the very thought
Of a cave-in
While lighting a candle, will surely
Ignite the explosive dust
Is the only pain prevention
Ever drummed into me, and
There are pills for that
Tonics for your health
Yet they all fail to medicate
What matters to me
I grip the bottle tightly
But it’s gone,
Weak muscles wish to unravel
This tightly coiled,
I see bones, I see skin,
I see nothing within
And the shock of emptiness
Is all that carries through,
Carried back home.
Before everything else
There was nothing
And the future holds nothing, but
The contents of today.
I’m talking directly to you today. I need straight answers to straight talk.
Why do so many humans (still) feel alone? Good people. Liked by others. Personable. But seeming, in some abstract way, to not fit in. A feeling of never quite connecting with others. Not invited to join in. Never a “best friend” always an “acquaintance”.
I know these are insecurities. And I suspect untruths. Talk to me. I need to hear your story. Whether you agree or think differently. I need to know if you feel the same. If you have honest observations of me. If I misunderstand the world around me.
I need to hear others’ truth. What will you say to me?
I want touch to be common
and of the particular moment.
I want touch to come with a special look from you deep into my eyes.
I want touch to come out of nowhere
and surprise me with its warm connection.
I want you to respond to my touch
to reflect back the love I freely give.
I want to watch the sunlight dance
between our touching hands.
I want to investigate touch;
to start from nothing
test the shortest fingertip contact
feel the electricity of connection
let it grow as we discuss what is happening what we feel, what we imagine
let it end for now, or let it consume us.
I want touch to be a language
both a living conversation
and a silent communicator between us.
I want touch to be a healer,
a joiner, a comfort
I want touch to be excitement
I want touch to be reassurance
And if darkness keeps us from touching
I want us both to understand
and find the words to fill in for touch.
I want you to feel my touch
and for me to feel your touch
like the only link keeping us alive.
I want touch to be a daily reminder
of the wonder of life
and the wonder of us.
Trying to find Me, is
Just Ghost Stories
Cold play relationships.
Dreams of Oceans have Me
Blind and Lame
Calling out my rescuer’s name
While Friendship Support
Walks away, Oblivious.
Draws me inwards
But there be Dragons
While I need Wagons, to
Journey and bear Loads
I need Magic, lift and
Carry me to Midnight
Finding True Love there, in
Another’s Arms, or
Memories of my own.
Always in My Head, Oh
Flows the Ink
That draws many stories
A Sky Full of Stars
Visions of Paradise, and
Sun on my Eyelids.
Defy Reality and Time
Lose me, Lift me,
Burden and Gift me
Dreams of Me, are
Perhaps the only Truth I see.
(24 July 2015)
[ Finally finding my voice after a week. These words grew from recent thoughts, feelings, writings, dreams, and the music I was listening to while composing this today. (There are connections within for fans of a certain band.) ]
I never understood others
Living in my own world
Feeling like an alien
Loving what I loved
Liking who I liked
So much seemed
A one-way interaction
Growing older became
Searching for someone,
For something, to fill a void
To share myself with
And it never ended up that way
I peer back for answers
Find the mistakes I made
Work out what went wrong,
But its a pointless search
There is no way to change
A decision made
With my best understanding
Just as now, I must again
Make decisions based on
My current knowledge
Leads to a choice of stasis
But I need change
If not outside, then
Inside of me
And once again
I feel like an alien
Surrounded by foreign concepts
Languages and rules
If I can just let myself
Live the life I need
Find what I need
Testing and discovery
Create a thriving environment
To grow this strange plant
Before death from neglect
Prevent this seed from shriveling
I need Sun, Water, Nutrients
But the Sun burns
Watery tears sting, instead of refreshing
My small, thin roots, struggle to absorb
All that I need
I need that all.
Forgotten form of my flower
Colour and scent unfamiliar
Alien to myself
Longing for my home in the stars
A chance to shine one more time
Is it possible to not be aware of the love someone is giving you?
Is it possible to see it but not feel it in a way that matters?
It is possible to be unaware of signals someone is giving you.
So from where does the feeling of what someone else is sending you originate?
Does it come from within oneself?
Do you need to be open to it and not blocking it from some internal preconception?
In a distracted moment of brief inner (and semi-imagined) dialogue, I asked myself, “What do you do if your significant other doesn’t provide what you need?” and an answer shot back “Redefine your needs.”
So much is going on in my head, changes, possibilities, positives and negatives, hope, bewilderment. Not happy about this coming up as well, but I think it is a product of all the other goings on right now, and therefore requires due consideration in some way.
What does love look like in your life? Help me understand, with your comments and answers to these questions.