Falling into a Moment.

Today, is just as times before. When I feel the pain of another’s story, long after my ears have heard. When I remember back to my own journeys through the pain of chronic ill-health. And the mental anguish of being unable to function for days, weeks, months. The self-imposed stresses. The very real stress of maintaining a relationship whilst unable to maintain yourself. Being unable to work, unable to generate income, unable to meet deadlines.
Unable. Disable. Needing more enable, but those days were rare.
I have known defeat, suffering, struggle, and loss. Somehow I have found my way out of those depths and stand here today.

.

Pain reaches forwards
Up from the past
Clutching and dragging me
Back
Fearing all that
Now, as then

And I tell myself right now
These are emotional ghosts
They have no power over me
Except that which I give them.
Though I feel unsteady, unsafe
My comfort lies in others
Asking for help
Accepting supportive hands
Belief in my own inner strength.
These are my tools
With these now I survive
And prepare to thrive once more
This is my hope, my truth.

Breaking UnRules Before Midnight.

It’s that time of the the night when the world has gone quiet around me, my brain has cleared of daytime clutter and I want to just sit into the night and write. 

A sleepy brain is actually a benefit to creativity as all the normal barriers and rules have melted away. 

I can access deep, intuitive words and thoughts. 

But the downside is that I push past my need to sleep which becomes problematic tiredness the next day. 

So instead tonight I will lay down my writing devices and attend to my body’s need for rest. 

And tomorrow, perhaps the inspiration will have built up and there will be greater creativity at play.

Journey. 5

It doesn’t matter what I achieve compared to others
It doesn’t matter the person I am, or am not, compared to others
What matters is the effort I make to always move forwards in love
What matters is my truth, deep within me – my honest loving heart
What matters is that I work to make the world a better place for everyone I have contact with
Caring for myself is not selfish, it is the priority, so that I have energy to share with the world
At times there may be a fine line between strength and exhaustion – everyone experiences this at times.
Then you must choose how much to turn in and how much to share out.
This is recharge time. Make it that and only that.
Take the time to nurture yourself in all the ways you know how.
This is the quiet way forwards when you feel like stopping. Some days momentum is the gentlest breeze past your ear, and other days momentum is swirling along with rushing water.
Take them all for what they are, different energies for different days.
And for now, take comfort in these truths.
Find your energy level and move with it.

(21 July 2016)

Seeking Love.

Of Love and Loss

Learning to love myself
Learning to fully look after myself
Providing all the parenting I missed as a child
Protecting, comforting, reassuring, accepting
And loving me just as I am
Is what I need to do.
It’s so easy to think
I just need others to fulfil that for me
But then I will always be wanting, expecting
Being needy, maybe demanding of others.
I once wrote “I feel like I’ve never been loved”
That makes it difficult to love
Difficult to accept love
And sometimes I feel ashamed

(23 November 2015)

“For whatever reasons we can feel like we’ve never been looked after fully. We have to be our own parent, protecting, comforting, reassuring, accepting and loving us as we are. It’s not easy and the invitation to feel angry and hard done by is strong. Why do we have to do the hard work, especially if we are…

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Until Now; Forever More.

I was looking for words, to expunge the feelings and bring normality to my life.

In desperation I brought intention to my soul for self care. Falling asleep before I could comfort myself with inner words of support.

Yet intention was enough. Today was bereft of the previous days’ occaisonal negativity. Today was completely about being in my energy, and sharing it with people I came across. 

And tonight, the words come seemingly fleetingly. But a quick consideration proved the positivity of my limited expression. 

Recalling the lessons of this year, from the very start right through to today, reveals the value of focus, of maintaining a positive feedback loop with my brain. Of letting go that which no longer serves me. Of filling my mind’s eye with what I want to see, feel and be.

This invaluable reminder, demonstration, and confirmation all rolls into one solid point of existence. My existence, my life. This it must be. 

I am blessed with observation, identification and perseverance. Blessed with supportive energies around me.

I am the author of my own destiny. Today I choose to start writing a new chapter. The power in the words may come from many sources, yet the strongest power is in the wielder of the pen.

Torn Between Care and Resting.

I’m trying to be kind to myself
Being gentle on my body
That has been so fragile for so long
And my mind says “Lazy”

I’m scared of pushing myself much
And crashing again
Physically wrecked for a day or two
And my mind says “Lazy”

I say be gentle, don’t push
Let my body communicate its ability
It’s a fine line balancing productivity
And perceived laziness

(28 Sept 2015)

A Detailed Request. (Reblog)

A close friend, poet and writer, who I first met here on WordPress, is struggling with a relapse of Anorexia.

She is a professional working in adolescent mental health, specialising in eating disorders (with an understanding from her own experiences) and these are the bravest words I have read in a very long time.

http://www.inourhands.com/mental-health/eating-disorders/to-the-friends-who-want-to-help-me-some-ideas/

I wanted to share them with you, not just as an example of what helps someone in that situation, but also as a beautiful example of understanding one’s own struggles, of how to ask for help, and of how much a struggle mental illness can be.

In these darkest of times, wishing you love and light, dear Pooky.

 

 

Silver Linings – Day 11.


“Morning to myself.”

Today I was focused on the reminder a friend sent me yesterday. “Feed your soul this weekend”. So I followed my instincts, followed my heart. I knew I needed time to myself. Time to write. Time to explore. Time to just be me.

For early winter, this morning was just about Spring warm. So I grabbed my bicycle and rode into the city for my haircut appointment this morning. Afterwards I walked my bike through the produce markets and picked up a small pack of smoked ocean trout, from a stall promoting this product that is produced just down the coast. Went passed all the morning breakfasters, coffee drinkers, and shoppers.

Down a side street is an unobtrusive warehouse with some tables and chairs out in the sun. This is the home of Kappy’s tea and coffee. All products carefully chosen by the owner. All coffee roasted carefully on site, by hand, for optimum flavour.

I was after the white tea that I purchased about 6 months ago. Sniffing the aromas from each jar to see if any others took my fancy. All so distinct and different smells, just in one variety!

Listening to some advice from the owner, I tested some green teas and got to an oolong (fermented) green tea. This presented an orange colour in my mind as I sniffed deeply. This tea so surprised me with its brightness that I asked for a tasting brew to take outside and contemplate.

I sat out in the sun and read an email while the tea brewed. Then I decided to ring my mum for a catchup chat. She was glad to hear from me and I was glad to talk to her for a short time. Tea tasting time! The first cup was mild. The second and third cups developed stronger flavours which were quite enjoyable with no bitterness (quality tea and water the right temperature helps). So I purchased 50g of the Oolong green and 50g of the Pai Mu Tan white tea.

As I was leaving I remembered there is a small art gallery a few doors up that I saw was opening it’s doors earlier. So I dropped in and took in some ceramic and visual media art installations. Then I photographed an interesting woven cardboard creation in the tree outside, because it caught my interest more than the presentations inside.

Rode home partly a different way to normal, just because.

Following my heart. Going at my own pace. Enjoying nature, sunshine, warm air, flying on a bike. Opening up to a friend. Supporting another. Keeping in contact. These are what fed my soul today. Brought me life and light.

What tea do you enjoy?