to the pain I feel inside
The emotional upheaval
and the unknown cause
Because I don’t like not knowing
Because to just accept this,
When my whole life has been
striving to create some comfort
within a world that was
always so uncomfortable,
physically and emotionally.
Today I had to dive in
to the difficult hours
from this week past
And describe how I felt,
what I thought,
Reconnecting to those moments
To see where my thoughts
were really at
Hearing another perspective
To understand a way forwards
And tonight I could cry
Emotionally spent and weary.
So again I’m in the midst
Not knowing how to cry
Fearful of the pain, of
wanting to curl up
and disappear from existence
Frustrated from feeling this way
When I could be celebrating life
Enjoying my new-found
freedom within a relationship.
The drum beats of EōN
shift my energy
music is my saviour
Can a disconnected Artificial Inteligence
know my mood
sense my feelings
interpret a response?
One day this will be commonplace
For now happenstance is my friend.
With a clearer head
and a lighter heart
I commit myself to the night
To rest and recuperation
To new beginnings in new days
Tomorrow will be
what I make of it
Conscious choice will define
every moment as I travel
through the intersecting threads
of my world.
May your world and mine
interact and play
in a positive way
May we both feel significant,
real in some way that matters
May there be reason to smile
Reason to feel really alive
An energy that carries us
Creating a brighter reality
A sense of purpose and belonging.
I want to cry
All the hurt I feel
All the pain that
Tears at my heart and mind
My heart is heavy
It drags me down
Into the warm bed
Where I sink and sleep
Heavy eyelids flicker
Morse code for my mind
The restart message
Over and over until
A moving body gets up
As I watch, your movements give you away
You don’t like leaving, consciousness
You don’t like, releasing control
But this is our space, built for this purpose
And as movement stills, as breathing slows
I watch over you, over the bed-clothes, over the pillows
Every night is different, I don’t always get this right
But I hold down the sheets,
from blowing away in the gales of your dreams
Retain the pillow just under your turning head
And hold away the sunrise for as long as I can
I work all night, I keep your sleep
And take my own rest during the day
[ this is my response to this poem by Nina, go check out her words as well ]
My first silver lining reached me this morning. I felt the night’s sleep had been terrible, taking a long time to settle, restlessness and with frequent waking up. It took a half hour of persistence through sleepiness to get my eyes to stay open this morning. So after I eventually got myself up out of bed I logged my activity band into my phone to check on my supposedly terrible sleep and saw this chart above which told me a few things.
The first point I noted was that my “sound sleep” was 2:15, which is actually just above average for me, and there were 2 decent blocks of it.
Next, despite waking 5 times during the night, total sleep was 8:12 which is above my original target of 8 per night. Currently I’m aiming for 9 hours sleep per night to try and get over this exhaustion.
So overall, not too bad compared to how I thought sleep had been. A good positive reflection of the situation.
“Winners are Grinners”
My second silver lining today was going out to the weekly pub quiz night that some friends have been attending for over a year. No matter how well or badly we do, its always good for a few laughs. There is a core 2 or 3 who are the regulars and then different people turn up each week depending on who is available. Some I know, some are new to me. Always happy to make new friends.
Well tonight we won first place! That’s a $100 bar tab for us next week. Probably equals a few bottles of wine and some jugs of cider.
So today I am grateful for helpful sleep monitoring, yummy leftovers for lunch, warm tea drinks, and quizzing with friends.
What’s your experience with quiz nights?
I slept through the night
And through the morning
Moved out to the lounge
And my body kept on dragging me to sleep
I drank a glass of water
While deliriously stumbling
Through the house
Changing rooms with a body half asleep
I ate some lunch
Brought home to me
Sat in a comfy chair for a while
Though my brain was barely registering awake
I slept through the afternoon
Full of half conscious dreaming
Immobile in bed
While I wondered if this sleep grew from my head
No caring, hardly any thoughts
Can anyone rescue me
As energy abandons me
A sadness river flowing quietly inside of me
Helpless to help myself
What sort of existence is this
Am I hiding, or recharging
Or just run down from pushing myself
to interact with others when I just want to sleep
Without others I feel nothing
Some people don’t even register
But friends and strangers both connect with me
Insert some meaning into an otherwise blank
Existence of uncertainty
(19 January 2015)
Comes the question
Was that the end of the song
Or the end of the album?
No reference point
In the dark
Only a sense of passing
Or a sweep of the hand
All that I have been
And all that is yet to be
Collide in dreams
Past or future
Maybe another universe
Of the heart
I thought tiredness would bring me sleep.
Instead it has brought words to mind.
I have written,
and still the words come.
Pushing through my consciousness,
looking for release.
Desperation drives them.
“Don’t forget us.”
“Don’t suppress us.”
(12 October 2014)
Occasionally I roll over
But there is no motivation to move from here
No desire to do any of
the normal daily actions:
eat, drink, shower, clothed, go to work
Nothing else matters
but drifting in and out of sleep
Time passes slowly but this doesn’t bother me
Put my earphones in for some music
and drift away again
A thought questions if I am really tired from illness
or perhaps avoiding facing up to life
I don’t care
Negative motivation factor
keeps me cocooned in comfort
Cold air creeps in through a gap in the covers
normally this would unsettle me immediately
I don’t care
and slowly drift away again
Another thought questions if this is depression
maybe it is
but then those stupid drugs aren’t working
I don’t really care
This prison cell is too comfortable
There is an inviting mattress with soft sheets
a mouldable fluffy pillow full of feathers
and a woollen quilt with an extra blanket on top.
The stone walls around me, made up of negativity
are silent today
The only sounds I perceive
the blood pumping through my ears
and the ever-present tuned white noise of my tinnitus
Am I breathing? I don’t really know.
I glimpsed some positivity
as it wafted in on a faint breeze, through the barred window
and then continued out on its way.
I don’t want to leave here
In fact I don’t want to do anything.
Falling so fast
Rushing off to sleep
This sensation’s so unnerving
Body shakes awake
Can’t calm down
Won’t release control
Fear of unknown
Routine occupying brain
Relax into the known
Slowly slowly drift away