Comparisons.

Feeling guilt over the validity of my pain
Comparing my childhood story with yours

Yet I know this is no competition
And we each bear our own challenges
We each learn in our own ways

Why does comparison even come into it?

How do we accept this and grow?

Wanting life to be right and just, does not make it so

All we can do is live our own integrity

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Journey. 5

It doesn’t matter what I achieve compared to others
It doesn’t matter the person I am, or am not, compared to others
What matters is the effort I make to always move forwards in love
What matters is my truth, deep within me – my honest loving heart
What matters is that I work to make the world a better place for everyone I have contact with
Caring for myself is not selfish, it is the priority, so that I have energy to share with the world
At times there may be a fine line between strength and exhaustion – everyone experiences this at times.
Then you must choose how much to turn in and how much to share out.
This is recharge time. Make it that and only that.
Take the time to nurture yourself in all the ways you know how.
This is the quiet way forwards when you feel like stopping. Some days momentum is the gentlest breeze past your ear, and other days momentum is swirling along with rushing water.
Take them all for what they are, different energies for different days.
And for now, take comfort in these truths.
Find your energy level and move with it.

(21 July 2016)

Stockholm Syndrome.

This environment is my familiarity
My friend through long association
Warning intentions are long silenced
Pushed back and smothered by
seemingly real existence.

I have embraced my environment
in order to survive
in order to feel some comfort
when there was insufficient elsewhere
Now I cage myself in the familiar
And hope can only be expressed by others
The sweet syrup of darkness,
sticks and engulfs me
Your light is not bright enough to shine through.

(12 May 2016)

Silent War.

I speak for the silent
Those beaten into submission
Given up on life
Or never knew it

I resided in those places
For real time and in my mind
Pain still fresh
Though scars healed over

Some hurts never leave
Asking why? Just get over it!
That is not the way
Complexity binds and blurs

I’m here to say
Kindness is harder than you realise
Patience must never end
True love reveals in time

I stepped forward
When others froze in fear
Or cowered back
Bravery overcame ignorance

No armour, shield, nor sword
Truth my only protection
Some battles lost
But keep me fighting

(18 March 2016)

So Tired.

Tired of hurting
Tired of pain
Tired of exhaustion
Tired of fogginess
Tired of (not) achieving
Tired of struggle
Tired of worrying
Tired of missing
Tired of loneliness
Tired of doubt
Tired of heartache
Tired of longing
Tired of expectations
Tired of sickness
Tired of pushing

So I took the day to myself
To rest, read, listen
Let my head clear
Let my body recover
To lend my mind
to nothing it normally considers
or to nothing at all
It’s not peaceful or pleasant
It’s just quiet, for now
And I hear the world outside
And for the first time in ages
I hear the sounds of life

When PM flows into AM.

falling asleep on the bathroom floor
head on knees while writing
holed away for solitude
an escape from the world
cold tiles and sparse furnishings
let my mind clear of clutter
so I can reach in deep
below the busy surface
and find what’s really going on
unpleasant, but necessary
uncovering painful feelings
I want to dig it out
to leave a fresh clean me
to heal
unpoisoned, untainted
damaged, but recovering
if only it was that easy
if only I had the knowledge
and skill of a surgeon
instead of these shaky, uncertain hands



Despising.

You passively reject me
by not remembering what I ask
rarely expressing your interest in me…

And that is the problem there
just an interest in me
not some burning desire
that bubbles into passion
Like I had for you through 17 years

I’m still here
because I need somewhere to be
while I sort out my mental state
(that was brought about by being with you)

(30 November 2014)

FutureFear.

Life has been so hard
for so long
I’m scared stiff to embrace it
Clinging to my illness,
my troubles
An escape clause,
for all that I fear facing.
Everyone caring for
and supporting me now
Where will they go?
Who will be left,
when I don’t need help anymore?
Loneliness terrifies me
The future growls at me,
it’s low, loud, snarl

(27 Sept 2014)

to be continued…
IMG_2115.JPG
[ self portrait on this theme ]

Two Days.

A two day reprieve
Free pass from the misery
Thursday and Friday
Absence of worry
Head clearer
Positive attitude
Joking around
And rhymes flowing so easily

Thought I was suddenly better
That some combination of
Everything I am doing
Clicked into place and
Sorted me out
Feeling “normal” once again
After very long years past

Third morning really enjoying
This refreshing burst of energy
A few hours into the day
It ran out
Draining tiredness overcame me
I pulled the car over
Swapped to the passenger seat
Let myself be driven home
Helped put the groceries away
Collapsed on the sofa
With my current book
Neil Gaiman’s American Gods

Spent a lot of today there as well
With Neil’s words of wonder
Keeping me company
Distracting me
From the distress I feel
Being so incapacitated once again

Two days that reminded me
Life can be exciting and fun
I’ll find those times again
One Day
Two Days
Three days
More

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[ Sunday’s fine Spring weather encouraged me outside to work in the garden. So pacing myself, in a couple of relatively short bursts, I managed to re-lay some paving edging between the driveway and front garden – progress on a project started before winter. ]

Help.

I’ve been writing for some time now
usually to clear my head
sometimes to let out negativity
or express feelings of pain
And at the moment
despite writing and venting
as much as I am able
as honestly as I feel capable of
The release that I normally feel
is missing
and I wonder if
There is so much emotional pain
that I am not making much inroad into it
Or if what I am going through at present
requires some different technique
to achieve the release
I am accustomed to.
A topic has been coming up
around me, in a few places –
Asking for help
So perhaps this is what I need to do
to face some fears
and let all those closest to me know
out loud, or however possible
that I am not coping
with this illness
or mental state
or whatever combination of happenings
is going on with me,
To ask for help
and be open to finding out
whatever forms that may take.
And at the same time
I will keep acting upon
all actions possible to help myself
chase up all avenues of professional support
and know that this is all anyone can do
Know that I am supporting myself
to the best of my current abilities
and most importantly
be at peace with that
no matter what the short term outcomes are
because peace and rest
may be the only tools I have left
to positive effect
this current me –
This temporary state.