Pain and fun and all the experiences I had growing to where I am now. And remembering can be overwhelming, because of the emotion it brings. Especially the sad emotions, the hurt, the moments that led me to questioning myself until I curled up into a ball and burned with tears because I felt so small and insignificant and lost. I don’t feel like I’ve learnt how to move beyond that, I just know that it happens less often. The emotions don’t overwhelm very often. But I am troubled by the unsettling hurt constantly bubbling beneath the surface of my consciousness. An uneasiness that disturbs my calmness. I don’t want to deny it. But when I try to accept what it is, the pain is confusing in its powerful pull over me. I remember this can’t be ignored. I remember there are people who care about me. I remember to make whatever positive effort feels manageable at these times. I remember that doing a little of something is 100% more effective than doing nothing. I choose to action over my memories. I choose to allow remembering to be what it is. I remember that there is a better place for my spirit to exist. I remember to love myself first with a gentleness and acceptance. I remember my calm, loving self. I remember my completeness.
Feeling responsible for others
and how my actions have influenced them
Telling myself that it is beyond my control
That I am not responsible for their life (any more)
Leaving behind, what I had to move away from
Will I forever be entangled with a past
that was so much of me?
Here, now, is who I am
This is where I decide who I will be
Where I cut emotional ties
and release myself from all that was.
Relationship grief is tricky
Mourning the loss of what was
Mourning the loss of what might have been
Grieving the pain that became
Coming to terms with your choices,
the decisions that put you there,
for better or for worse.
Responsibility is always shared
Outcomes are the result of reasons
Sometimes beyond our control.
Forgetting is not an option
You are today, because of yesterday
No matter what has been
you always have a choice of what comes next.
Hopefully, we integrate and grow
Our desire to be better,
no matter what was.
And when I can no longer manage
the hurt that still pulls me apart
I hold onto the one solid piece of me
The love that I still give, that still burns brightly.
The thing is, most of the time I have no idea what I’m doing.
There’s certainly no devious plotting.
There’s no following the path in front of me, because I have no idea where I am and no idea where I’m going.
Mostly I just try to get through the day with as little damage as possible.
Yes I take any opportunity to brighten someone else’s day, because I care about other people.
I know what it’s like to feel alone, unloved, and to feel like you are not worth any effort from yourself or from others.
There is a deep dark loathing black hole down there, and most days I just want to keep myself as far from its reach as possible.
Plenty of days I fail to manage that.
Eventually, I take one little step forwards each day, to build up momentum and keep moving forwards.
How much do I care about you? That depends on the day, but generally quite a lot. The love you share with me is absorbed, added to and reflected back. My creation of original love is scarce, because of the energy it requires, and because of the emotional process required.
Feeling guilt over the validity of my pain
Comparing my childhood story with yours
Yet I know this is no competition
And we each bear our own challenges
We each learn in our own ways
Why does comparison even come into it?
How do we accept this and grow?
Wanting life to be right and just, does not make it so
All we can do is live our own integrity
It doesn’t matter what I achieve compared to others
It doesn’t matter the person I am, or am not, compared to others
What matters is the effort I make to always move forwards in love
What matters is my truth, deep within me – my honest loving heart
What matters is that I work to make the world a better place for everyone I have contact with
Caring for myself is not selfish, it is the priority, so that I have energy to share with the world
At times there may be a fine line between strength and exhaustion – everyone experiences this at times.
Then you must choose how much to turn in and how much to share out.
This is recharge time. Make it that and only that.
Take the time to nurture yourself in all the ways you know how.
This is the quiet way forwards when you feel like stopping. Some days momentum is the gentlest breeze past your ear, and other days momentum is swirling along with rushing water.
Take them all for what they are, different energies for different days.
And for now, take comfort in these truths.
Find your energy level and move with it.
(21 July 2016)
This environment is my familiarity
My friend through long association
Warning intentions are long silenced
Pushed back and smothered by
seemingly real existence.
I have embraced my environment
in order to survive
in order to feel some comfort
when there was insufficient elsewhere
Now I cage myself in the familiar
And hope can only be expressed by others
The sweet syrup of darkness,
sticks and engulfs me
Your light is not bright enough to shine through.
(12 May 2016)
I speak for the silent
Those beaten into submission
Given up on life
Or never knew it
I resided in those places
For real time and in my mind
Pain still fresh
Though scars healed over
Some hurts never leave
Asking why? Just get over it!
That is not the way
Complexity binds and blurs
I’m here to say
Kindness is harder than you realise
Patience must never end
True love reveals in time
I stepped forward
When others froze in fear
Or cowered back
Bravery overcame ignorance
No armour, shield, nor sword
Truth my only protection
Some battles lost
But keep me fighting
(18 March 2016)
Tired of hurting
Tired of pain
Tired of exhaustion
Tired of fogginess
Tired of (not) achieving
Tired of struggle
Tired of worrying
Tired of missing
Tired of loneliness
Tired of doubt
Tired of heartache
Tired of longing
Tired of expectations
Tired of sickness
Tired of pushing
So I took the day to myself
To rest, read, listen
Let my head clear
Let my body recover
To lend my mind
to nothing it normally considers
or to nothing at all
It’s not peaceful or pleasant
It’s just quiet, for now
And I hear the world outside
And for the first time in ages
I hear the sounds of life
falling asleep on the bathroom floor
head on knees while writing
holed away for solitude
an escape from the world
cold tiles and sparse furnishings
let my mind clear of clutter
so I can reach in deep
below the busy surface
and find what’s really going on
unpleasant, but necessary
uncovering painful feelings
I want to dig it out
to leave a fresh clean me
damaged, but recovering
if only it was that easy
if only I had the knowledge
and skill of a surgeon
instead of these shaky, uncertain hands