Heavy as a Day.

Longing for belonging
Instead feeling outside
Without real reason; as
Intrusive fears drag me away
From all who I love
From all that I love
Feeling the pain of separation
Fearing something unreal
Lost in a negativity storm
Comfortably surrounded by
white noise and aloneness
Whilst my brain screams
for all the opposites
That I need and want.

.

.

.

Simple fulfillment
is all that I desire.

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Some Days. sʎɐp ǝɯos

Some days the struggle
seems too much
And some of those days
you push through that difficulty
And sometimes you manage
you function with productivity
Some days you find a light
Some days you feel hope
Some days you hear the voices
of every friend who supported you
Some days you ponder
the absence of positive mental health
and the struggles that hold you back

Some days the struggle
is too much
And some days pushing through
still results in no progress
And some days there is only
the heap of you unmoving
Some days are only darkness
Some days are hopelessness
Some days all you hear
is the criticism in your own mind
Some days you wish for
a single positive thought
and any way to move forwards

Advice You Never Asked For.

I admit I don’t know your full story. 

But I encourage you to write because of my own experiences of that being a hugely beneficial path to take. 

When I was depressed for years, 

frequently suicidal, for years

when writing was my only emotional outlet, I pushed through it all and eventually pushed out through all the hurt into something that was truly a little bit beautiful amidst the terrible darkness. 

It was on the advice of a dear friend I started blogging. Fear made me keep it anonymous. But what I met was a writing community that embraced me and encouraged me in every way. I found friends who taught me about understanding and grief, about strength and persistence, about discovery and perseverance.

And I am forever grateful for that experience. 

I see now how I pushed myself through the fear. Partly out of fear of the darkness, but mostly because ALWAYS inside me, no matter what other shit was going on, there was the tiniest spark of light that guided me onwards. Perhaps it was a genetic gift from my mother, of hope or optimism. Perhaps it was the repeated words of a few close friends who reminded me during those darkest times that it wouldn’t last, that life will get better, that I deserved better, that just hanging on for another minute is all I needed to do in the moment. 

How can I not be grateful for experiencing that genuine expression of love from people I’ve only known for a few years?!

And now it’s my time to shine for myself, and for others. It’s my time to pass on the love. To “pay it forward” to someone else. Not out of any duty, or karma, just because its who I am. Simple, honest, caring for other humans. (And because, well, in that place, there are new lessons for me too.)

So I don’t know what you want in your life, what your personal goals are. But I see you already caring for and discovering yourself in many ways. We all want to “be better” or perhaps just “feel better”. While that path is a very personal choice, I see you finding your way forwards already.

And I just want to encourage you to do, and to keep doing, whatever it takes to maintain forward momentum in your life.

I encourage you past the fears in whatever way it takes, because that is just the way forwards. 

Don’t be afraid. Just be who you need to be.

=

[ feature/title image aerial photography of Mona Vale Beach, Australia, by Bo Le @safromabove ]

Right here, Right now.

Thinking about myself
Attempting to resolve the pain
That strikes my heart again and again
My reactions to certain circumstances
Are visible and understandable.
Why can’t I leave this behind me
Move out of the cloud of hurt
Move on to a higher level of being.
Stuck in a circular rut
I stumble at the same bumps every time
Keeps hurting the same wound
No chance to heal what I feel.
To stop fighting this
To stop feeling the pain
Is to deny the very heart of me.
To compromise would be
To forever live with regret
Merely shifting one pain to another.
And while I don’t fully understand
The reasons for these circumstances
I blame myself
Too much most likely
Bearing the sole weight of responsibility
For the unhappiness I see.
And I know that is unfair
But I know not any other way
To exist in its midst.
So when my energy runs low
And negative self assessment flourishes
I feel helpless to help myself
Having tried all I am equipped with
Having stayed ahead of the cloud of hopelessness
I stumble and am shrouded in its darkness
I feel it’s freezing fear seep into me
And all goes dark.

Once Again…

The only thing that gets me through the pounding lies in my head
Is distilling all these feelings into words
Creating something, that is significant to me
Even when no other person seems to comprehend its value.

And I long to connect with someone
To feel less alone, to feel that someone else understands
To feel less crazy, less damaged, less broken
I long to hear words that remind me I am real and that I matter.

Seeking Love.

Of Love and Loss

Learning to love myself
Learning to fully look after myself
Providing all the parenting I missed as a child
Protecting, comforting, reassuring, accepting
And loving me just as I am
Is what I need to do.
It’s so easy to think
I just need others to fulfil that for me
But then I will always be wanting, expecting
Being needy, maybe demanding of others.
I once wrote “I feel like I’ve never been loved”
That makes it difficult to love
Difficult to accept love
And sometimes I feel ashamed

(23 November 2015)

“For whatever reasons we can feel like we’ve never been looked after fully. We have to be our own parent, protecting, comforting, reassuring, accepting and loving us as we are. It’s not easy and the invitation to feel angry and hard done by is strong. Why do we have to do the hard work, especially if we are…

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Help Wanted.

Something’s not right
I can feel it – somewhere
Somewhere real

At times I find guidance
And work on helping myself
But I get distracted
By random rises of anguish
Or grief – or –

Jumping back to survival mode
I lose track
Lose momentum
Lose my place in life

I’m lost
And
As much as I want
To work this out myself
I need help
To avoid
The feeling resetting
Journey postponing
Emotional interrupts
That plague me

A Moment’s Hurt.

Standing in the doorway
Warm morning sun on my face
I close my eyes and just breathe
Take this moment to listen inside

Emotions of the last few days
All at once creep over me
And I just want to stop breathing
End all the struggle and pain

Still standing there
Confusion and shame
Unsettling the balance of me
I choose to breathe, to go on
I choose to find my way through this all,
No matter where it takes me

(27-28 April 2015)