Vision.

I am
The sum of all I’ve ever done
I am
My everyday actions
I am
All that I want to do
And
I am
So much more that you don’t immediately see
unless you take the time to look beneath
and discover
motivations, desires
the forces that drive me.

See all that I might be
Potential is attractive
Is it enough to propel me forwards?

Do I need your belief in me to believe in myself?
Your point of view helps me see
the glimpse of what I can be
Unrestrained and free.

[ 27Sept2017 ]

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Looking Past Thoughts, Looking To The Heart.

I think about myself tonight
About what has been going through my thoughts lately
And I’m left wondering why I’m so hard on myself
Judgemental. Harsh. Critical.
(Unintentionally) hurtful.
Where is the love for myself
That I so freely give to others?
What have I learnt, that makes me this way?
I see damage
I see the effect it has on me
And it brings me to tears.
How can I hold so much hate in my heart?
How can I direct so much negativity at myself?
I would feel ashamed, but I know that is just more judgement coming out
So I sit here on the floor, in silent contemplation
Attempting to be open to any answers
Listening for a voice of reason to rise out from the chaos
And I just feel
I know that loving myself is a requirement
But it’s surrounded with Should, Must, and Have-to
And that just doesn’t help at all.
.This situation.
I give it a label
Compartmentalise myself into a box
Contain the problem
And I know that is exactly the wrong approach
Punishment is not the path to freedom.
Some sort of openness
Freedom to let me exist within mistakes
Where errors are not a crime
Somewhere there, is where I will benefit.
No certainty, no answers
Only the call of my heart

Communication Fixation.

I don’t cry tears down my face
That’s not my place

My emotions well up in words
Until I am heard

I’m not writing for play
Nor public display

Everything I feel is distilled
My needs fulfilled

Refined and placed in order
No clear border

This is total communication
Of my situation

This is the only way to express
My head’s a mess

Searching for a confirmation
This mental fixation

I need all this acknowledged
In some way solid

Needing comfort and support
That I was never taught

It’s my own cry for assistance
Shorten the distance

Between us, keep me close by
Until I can cry.

Right in The Moment.

Of Love and Loss

And suddenly the world shifted
Not in any way catastrophic
Rather, I was here – and –
suddenly I was on the other side.

Different view, different environment
Seeing a completely different picture
But complementary and linked.

And the choice was in that moment
Walk this way in this new place
Leave everything else behind
But fear and hesitation pulled at me
And I found myself back
Where I knew the lay of the land
Where all the uncomfortableness
Felt safe.

Secure feelings within my own prison.

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Last Night and This Morning, Many Times Over.

I want to cry
All the hurt I feel
Constantly
All the pain that
Tears at my heart and mind

My heart is heavy
It drags me down
Into the warm bed
Where I sink and sleep

Heavy eyelids flicker
Morse code for my mind
The restart message
Over and over until
A moving body gets up

Where Is Life?

When I’m left alone with thoughts defective
When the medication seems ineffective
When I’m unable to describe the anguish I feel
When you can’t see a symptom to make it real
When I give up on living and fight to stay
When neither of us knows what to say
When I can’t motivate myself to proceed
When the future brings only anxiety
When I would let harm come to my body
Just to prove to myself, and others, this isn’t phoney
Where is life?

As I Think of This Day.

I don’t want to move
From this bed here, this shelter
If I just close my eyes
Can I just sleep through this day

Out there is the world 
That frustrates and upsets me
I push and I struggle
Just to get through each day

I have friends who embrace me
And joke alongside me
Include me in what
They arrange for some days

Yet depression still grabs me
Immobile I lay here
Unable to think
Or do much with this day

To closed eyes keep drifting
To dreams my head shifting
Too heavy my body
Will not move for today

.

[ if you can remind me of the poetic metre or pattern that I have used here, please speak up, as my memory and searching have not been fruitful today ]