Stray Thoughts in Duplex.

I thought there was a reason
But all this never happened.
My dream ended some time ago
And I forgot to wake up.
Lost friends never forget
While found friends give support.
If I ever decide to leave
The pain will be enormous.
Never imagined this
Always kept in check.

(29 March 2015)


Unsettlingly Quiet.

Holding back the rage
Don’t act out
Despite feeling out-of-sorts
We have to try and schedule a time
That suits her
To talk about that note I wrote
Two days ago
To talk about my feelings
As if they can just sit there
Waiting to be tended to
Without whimpering in the cold
Or growling
At every opportunity that passes by

(23 March 2015)

All I Have Left [is Words].

Searching for meaningful words
Connecting with others through words
Finding myself in words
Surviving with only words
Stop – then observe words
Distance yourself from words
Feel the space around words
And place the words as they need

(22 March 2015)


[ the weekend has been a battle against letting melancholy drag me deeper into darkness, and combined with exhaustion, there seemed nothing left to save me except writing. Even that felt haphazard and difficult, until my friend Helen wisely suggested “observe the words”. . . ]

image: Pygmy Owl – Sam Nielson

Too Much Emptiness.

Uneasy melancholy
Has been growing and displacing me
Pushing through my head
Leaving my body feeling dead
Looking for something new
To pull me through
Or something old
To rekindle what’s grown cold
Can’t make sense
Unsettled and tense
No deciphering
The overwhelming feeling


I am not a failure
I am trying for a hint of understanding
of what is beyond my senses
It feels like…
Every time someone made fun of me
Every time i felt rejected
Every time communication failed
Every time I couldn’t ask for what I wanted
Every time someone held me back
Every time I felt misunderstood
Every time I felt trapped, pressured
All flooding back to me
Over fourty-five years’ worth
Regret, pain, angst
Here with me tonight
Shoving me around
Ignoring me when I reach out
Despising looks at me

Fighting urges to hide, disappear,
Curl up and die somewhere
Fighting the pressure of the past
All I ever wanted was connection
To feel human with someone else
I failed
It’s my fault
I don’t deserve it
All that I want, I don’t deserve
Life has shown me this
That’s the worthlessness of human existence
Small and insignificant gets nothing
Brittle empty shell
Crushed under the foot of the world

(21 March 2015)