Turning Away.

Of Love and Loss


It feels like
I gave you the best years of my life
Loved you with everything I had
And received so little back
Only a faint echo of my expression
It feels like
Now that I’m dying inside
And my health is dragged down
With my withering spirit
You step up, finally blossoming
And it feels like
I can’t face the world
Faking my face to you
Avoiding those who love me
Because I don’t want any of this
And it feels like
I can hold myself up
But facing the rest of the world
Is too much, too hard
Yet I don’t want to crawl into
-that dark hole with the slippery sides
Where I hide away
-and lose myself in regret.

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Too Much Emptiness.

Uneasy melancholy
Has been growing and displacing me
Pushing through my head
Leaving my body feeling dead
Looking for something new
To pull me through
Or something old
To rekindle what’s grown cold
Can’t make sense
Unsettled and tense
No deciphering
The overwhelming feeling

.

I am not a failure
I am trying for a hint of understanding
of what is beyond my senses
It feels like…
Every time someone made fun of me
Every time i felt rejected
Every time communication failed
Every time I couldn’t ask for what I wanted
Every time someone held me back
Every time I felt misunderstood
Every time I felt trapped, pressured
All flooding back to me
Over fourty-five years’ worth
Regret, pain, angst
Here with me tonight
Shoving me around
Laughing
Ignoring me when I reach out
Frowning
Despising looks at me

Fighting urges to hide, disappear,
Curl up and die somewhere
Fighting the pressure of the past
All I ever wanted was connection
To feel human with someone else
I failed
It’s my fault
I don’t deserve it
All that I want, I don’t deserve
Life has shown me this
That’s the worthlessness of human existence
Small and insignificant gets nothing
Brittle empty shell
Crushed under the foot of the world

(21 March 2015)

The Persistent Ghost of Disappointing Times.

Lingering chills
Memory spills
Desperate to distill
out these ill
feelings
Reeling reactions
Need a retraction
to sanctuary
Leave the past
Bury the dead
Still haunted
By ghost memories
Of unhappiness
And disappointment

[ these words sparked by Renee Novosel’s poem , from where I borrowed the title and also the image below ]
IMG_2212.JPG [ Skull – Vincent van Gogh ]

Leftovers.

I am your leftovers
I am your end of the day
I am no priority the remainder of the time
Until sleep forces you close to me
Then I am your comfort
Or the plaything within your grasp

I can be flirty and energetic during the day
Makes no difference to your achievement focus
Blinkered to the opportunities along the journey
You show me token affection, leave me hollow,
Leave me in frustration, wanting
I am your insignificant significance

Of Love and Loss

I am your leftovers
I am your end of the day
I am no priority the remainder of the time
Until sleep forces you close to me
Then I am your comfort
Or the plaything within your grasp

I can be flirty and energetic during the day
Makes no difference to your achievement focus
Blinkered to the opportunities along the journey
You show me token affection, leave me hollow,
Leave me in frustration, wanting
I am your insignificant significance

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The Problem With (a) Marriage.

20 years we’ve lived together
and if you ask me about her –
about us
My thoughts spring straight to
a list of faults
failings

20 years of activities together
all tainted by my memories
of negativity
How most of the times
were disappointing
unsatisfactory

Today’s feelings are “why bother?”

It’s easy to blame someone else
and I am aware of
the problems with that course
It’s a harder road
to accept yourself as
contributing to it all

Different approaches to relationships

First it was “two become one”
join together, strive together
grow together
Each half contributing to
the development
of a whole

Religious commandments

But never any further explanation
or helpful guidance
idealistic
Not realistic for two young people
with little to no experience
of an actual loving home

What if one side contributes significantly less
and the other is struggling
What if communication channels
are crackly, full of static
and mostly ineffective
What if even the basics
of a functioning two-way relationship
are not even there?

Now I hear “fulfil yourself first”
supply your own needs
then let it flow over
Coming together is about
aligning contribution
rather than need

The free-thinker’s approach

And if you need assistance?
never learnt much self fulfilment
relying on honest support
If you are looking for a companion
with who to learn through life
What will your journey be?

Lost. Entered a relationship
to find myself
Found someone
just too close to me
So alike, and so different
Both needing something
unable to give

(28 August 2014)

Missing Feelings.

It’s hitting me now, I miss my Dad
Scared to let go of anything
Associated with memories of him
Susceptible to regret, loss, fear
Low health heightens sad feelings

.

[ It’s been six months since he passed away. And now 29 years after we moved into Mum’s house, she is downsizing and my second home will be demolished. Helping Mum sort and pack for the move into a smaller house, coming across old memories, having to let go, is reminding me of what has been and what is yet to come dealing with Dad’s life and death. ]