Remembrance Day 2022.

On Remembrance Day I remember all
That served, that helped,
That never returned, or returned forever changed.
One minute’s silence.
Thoughts shift to my dad
He got sick and died
But it was the withering away from illness that really hurts me today
My strong dad reduced to an invalid, struggling to stay conscious during my almost daily visits
And me; not knowing what to say, how to feel, how to behave
Reminding myself that being present mattered.
Life’s not fair – or is it?
The mess, the pain, the hurt
Some of us move on, maybe
Some never really let go of what was.
I can’t forget my dad, so I also remember
Trying to love him, trying to help him, trying to comfort him
Trying to let him know that I cared, even when he went off on a rant
Inspirational, difficult, loving, flawed.
How to resolve all of that for my own being?
How to accept all that was, the good and the bad,
An imperfect person who tried so hard,
Made such a difference, and yet
Was frequently very difficult to be around.
And then slowly incapacitated by ill health
Parkinson’s disease, heart disease, liver failing.
And a Medical system unable to fully help
Complicated medication interactions
Drugs at cross-purposes.
And there was I in the midst of it all
Transporting to specialist appointments, blood tests
Listening and asking question of the experts
To understand it all.
Maybe that was a mistake
Now I know all the gritty details, all the difficulties, all the troubles
Seeing first-hand how someone’s life is struggling, steadily running down;
Once again, not knowing how to be, other than present.
So I remember the briefest moments of joy, of expressed gratitude, coherence
And let the positives buoy me through the storm of remembering.

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Toss out the Map Tuesday.

Growing up being told to make plans, to be successful,
to find love make a family and be happy
Pressured into conforming, because no other option is acceptable.
… to who, though?
My life, my decisions, whether planned or spontaneous;
My energy creates the path that I need to follow.
And some days, feeling lost, there is no choice
but to place one foot forward, then the other
and move with courage through whatever now is
Trusting that I will find the place I need to be.

A life map redrawn so many times,
feeling compromised – but eventually realising
This IS my path
This IS where I need to be now
(and just maybe where I needed to be before).
For here is a new comfortable, a soulful ease
A freedom to be myself, once again
As my heart sings with honest openness
Here with my tribe, travelling together.

Dire Deprecation.

Incoherent thoughts keep awake the mind
busy with possibilities and desires
but feeling nothing more than an echo
of resting in warm sunshine.
Too much; battles not enough
While forgotten promises fade with the sunset.
I went there with best intentions
but eagerness overtook capability
and the shadow of regret constantly follows.
Searching for myself amidst the mourning
Disappointment dictates disastrous decisions
Delaying development and draining discourse
Dictated details of dire deprecation
and Deception dangles decency in front of dishonesty.
All I am
is much less
and so much more.

The Timelessness of Care

I can’t change the world
Can’t make it a good place for everybody
But not even Superman could
Because people mess up
And ultimately you can’t make anybody change
So I let my positive influence
extend to those around me
Friends, family, and random daily interactions
Because that is what I believe in
The power to make the world a better place
One human interaction at a time
Except for the days I don’t care for myself enough
The days I feel the emotional weight
of the whole world on my shoulders
Inner strength crumbles away
I can be me, but
It’s exhausting and heartbreaking
As a war of balance battles inside
I don’t ask for help because
The energy isn’t there
A brain so distracted by surviving that it’s
Forgotten about healthy living
Occupied distracting myself from the pain
Unable to acknowledge difficult truths
because there is nothing left to heal with
Drained
Hurt
Twisted inward to protect from outside
Hands touch me
but they don’t reach in far enough
through the tough outer shell
In this moment of terror, how do I move forward
Breaking out of the darkness is a dream
Being free is an impossibility
Wait
Hope
That is all there is.

Memory. Memories.

Feeling that I’ve forgotten so much

Because I can remember so little

of the details from years past

from apparently significant years

that others recall.

And I don’t know why that is

My mind supposes and questions

Trauma, pain, wanting to forget?

Or do I as an emotional person

focus memories on emotions

feelings and experiences

that I feel strongly?

Why the difference – or

have I been focussed on differences

rather than embracing variety?

Difference was pressed upon me

as a child. Therefore wanting

to be the same became a focus

Problematic relationships enhanced

my perceptions of separateness

Self-perpetuating experiences

within and without

Preceded by the complexities of

mental illness

brain chemistry imbalance.

And right there again

Difference

Compared to most others.

Remembering enough to know

that feeling different

for most of my life

Leaves a mark this is difficult to

remove

Why would I want to do that?

Why deny who I am for the sake of

others?

And then through many experiences

finding myself,

learning, by facing up to the pain

by braving new experiences

instead of repeating old patterns

Pushing past subconscious influences

Deciding and choosing for myself

what benefits me

Not what I wanted others to feel

Letting go of the old memories

Choosing to focus

on new memorable experiences.

Now, for the first time I can remember

Feeling less separated

Finding a kindred spirit with whom

everything is normal, accepted, loved.

And remembering a little more

Being able to recall without pain

Brings a union to the everyday.

I remember sharing more than before

I remember to be myself with others

Remembering bravery, love

and compassion.

Remembering to care for myself

as I care for those closest to me.

Remembering to love within as without.

Time to Feel.

There is time to feel
what comes forth in the day
Uncomfortable emotions
sadness and tiring extremes
Let them be
Let them flow along like a river
Be there for yourself
Be the understanding and compassionate
caring supporter that you need
in these moments
It is all okay
Feeling, is being more human
more real and more alive
After pains and distractions
you can discover real joy
Real freedom, real calm
Real life is out there
And it comes from inside you.

.

[20 May 2021]

Monday in Six parts.

The world leans to the left
Off-balance, I feel like falling
Yet to my right an invisible anchor
On this chair
Balancing my body in space
Pressured by unknown forces
Closed eyes bring more confusion
Sitting still, is swaying
Not moving, is swirling around.

Then voices call my name
From another place
that is neither here nor now.

Stimulate the senses with movement,
with coffee
Letting the experience be
Trying to let it go, like double-sided glue tape.

Sunshine therapy with physical stillness
Lets the head pain become apparent
Tilt my head towards the sun
Release my body, let muscles relax
Feel the breeze tugging at my clothes,
Fabric protects me from the chill
Then clouds part and the sun beams full Autumn strength onto my hand and face
The glorious warm glow from a fire 150 million kilometres away
Soaking into my skin
Heat circulating under my clothes
As I sit facing North East.

Body tremors
as it processes unpleasant irritants
Myriad internal battles
unbeknownst to my consciousness
as it attempts to make sense of this day
As I search for a stability of being
As feelings and emotions mix the physical and ephemeral worlds.

Writing with shaking hands
Squinting through sunshine
The world connects with me
as I attempt to ground myself with it
Birdsong becomes apparent above the background traffic noise
As hearing connects with nature
As nature connects with me
As I sense the grass nearby
The plants and life active within
the thinnest surface layer of the earth
My own roots reach deeper
Searching for gravity, solidity, molten metal flowing deep towards the centre of this living ball of amazing
that shelters us from the great nothingness out there
The all-ness that we are
The great connection between every living cell, every individual and sentience that we share air and energy with
Every spirit and soul past and present exists right now, right here, with us
When you remember, their existence continues,
their influence continues,
their significance and meaning carries you and I along
As we need support, so it is there
As we need reminders, so they talk to us in ways that may not be apparent right now.
We all are
We are what was and what we choose to be
Be this with your loved ones
Be this with acquaintances and strangers
Be who you need to be, and
Be all that you can.

.

[3 May 2021]

Shrouded in Heaviness.

Shrouded in heaviness
Time drags with a sense of impending crush
The reflex is to hide away
But little good ever comes of that
Ever wondering the triggers or nature of such great burdening weight
The sense is shared, not singular
Real as any other emotion
So we carry each other along
The solution becomes nature
Let the brisk wind blow away the dark energy
Let the sunshine purify your spirit
Holding hands, intertwined energies
Time comes to revel in relief
The joys of normality return
And we don’t look back.

This Journey.

In time, you discover more of who you are, and you gain confidence in being yourself (or else you care much less what others think).

Being at ease within, lets you find and connect with souls in tune with the real you.

Easily digestible platitudes from social media are not the solution. It takes difficult emotional work to face up to who you really are, and to discover who you really want to be. It’s not about what you want in life, it’s about your internal/external focus and balance, it’s about what is in your heart and what energy your soul attracts from the surrounding world.

See within, who you are. See what it is that makes your place in existence significant. Every thought, word, or action you choose influences the world, frequently in ways unseen. Do not be afraid of this — be thankful for this. Be grateful to touch other souls, in the everyday, and occasionally in the extraordinary.

This is your responsibility. This is your gift. This is your precious life.

Finding the Sunshine.

Finding some self support
Telling myself good work for what was managed
Preemptively silencing the inner critic
Focusing on positive outcomes
in the midst of difficult days.
Learning this technique
from the person beside me
So much just like me
With many more years of positive voice
The perfect exemplar for me
Watching how a trusted caring soul
helps themself;
Helps me by example.
Thankful
Grateful
Acknowledging my positives
Shining a light against the darkness.