Elegy for a missing travel bag. 

[ trigger warning: reference to a deceased friend ]

Tricia said “those bastards” and “I hope you’re alright dear” then she started talking about her own experiences of life being unfair and unpleasant. It’s her care and warmth that shines through. And soon you feel much better, for a sympathetic ear from a beautiful soul.

She’s right here with us, loving that we became friends through her. And she’s focusing on the important matters in life, steering our thoughts away from unpleasant incidents, because – well because that doesn’t really matter.

In this great play of life, the small unpleasantness doesn’t really matter. We have each other. We have health food and shelter. We are able to travel and create our own adventures. We stay safe. And we look out for each other.

Our role is flexible. We choose the story as we go, but we choose to embrace others into it, to create a big beautiful mosaic of life.

[ postscript. ]

Traveling the US for the first time in my life. Seeing my favourite musical artist perform live for the first time in my life. On my own, quite the adventure. Visiting writer friends. Visiting new old friends and going to a vegan Sushi restaurant, during which brief time my Bag was stolen from a car boot barely 15m away. Everything important, everything non-replaceable, was with me. Being grateful. Being thankful for all that I have. And learning to let go of that which doesn’t really matter, learning to free the soul from material attachments. A valuable lesson, at an important time in my life.

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Turning Away.

Of Love and Loss


It feels like
I gave you the best years of my life
Loved you with everything I had
And received so little back
Only a faint echo of my expression
It feels like
Now that I’m dying inside
And my health is dragged down
With my withering spirit
You step up, finally blossoming
And it feels like
I can’t face the world
Faking my face to you
Avoiding those who love me
Because I don’t want any of this
And it feels like
I can hold myself up
But facing the rest of the world
Is too much, too hard
Yet I don’t want to crawl into
-that dark hole with the slippery sides
Where I hide away
-and lose myself in regret.

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Lost Love’s Loss.

Suddenly
There was nothing; again
None of the love
that still trickled through
the crevices of my broken heart
Only cold, hard, stone
emanating hatred.
It wasn’t about the day’s events
It wasn’t the lack of connection no interaction
It was about being in this space
Perhaps it was directed at myself;
For letting it get to this
But it was also about someone
who allowed their fears
to take over
and seemingly direct too much of their life.

“Lost Love’s Loss.”
(29 Sept 2015)

Losing it all.

And suddenly
The world you know
Changes
Is flipped upside down
And you must question
everything you have come to believe about yourself.
Not just shaky ground
Empty air beneath my feet
Stomach drops at the lack of solidity.
Fear, confusion
And a sense of suddenly being lost
Lost to myself
And lost to the world
An uneasiness scoops out all that I was
Leaves me hollow, empty
Devoid of significance.

“Losing it all.”
(29 Sept 2015)

Too Real Right Now.

Of Love and Loss

Resisting the pull of sleep
Resisting the call of tomorrow
Feeling the pain tonight

Lost relationship
Lost connection
With this person beside me

Talking does not reach
Touching does not feel
Together alone

Pain prolongs with staying
Pain transfers with leaving

Visions of betterment change
Not yet in range
All feelings be strange

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Mis-timed Heart-beat.

Reminders of what had been
of complete fulfilment
now passed
now only haunting echoes

Her weakness was to love
fully and truly
to engage her whole self
in the moment of dreams

But reality is not the dream world
the cruelty of timing, of location
forever scratches its nails
across the blackboard of her memory

.

[ my response to eledette’s latest poetry, Besieged ]

Remember, There is Love.

Feeling unsettled,
exhausted,
uncomfortable,
uneasy

Focussing on the experience with curiosity

Letting it be,
sitting with it,
getting a feel for it

Approaching the difficult feelings,
what are they made of?

Pain

Fear

Hurt

Terror

Loss

These are truly difficult emotions

Give myself some space,
this IS what I’m feeling
and it IS draining

Don’t be hard on yourself

This is NOT failure

This is REAL experience

This IS life (sometimes).

Just breathe into it, gently

Allow yourself to go with it

This won’t last

It WILL pass.

For now, surround yourself in gentle love

Know you are loved.

This experience MEANS something,
even if you don’t understand it

It means you feel,
deeply

It means you care

And just as you do, so others care deeply about you

Even if you don’t feel that right now

It’s true!

Remember all they say and do

Giving without expectation

“No thanks required” one said

They just do it because they care,

The person you are, 

ALL of you,

They care

They love you

You are loved.

Hang onto that truth.

Whatever else you feel,

That truth still exists

Put it in your back pocket,

Or hold it tight against your chest

There is one emotion to guide you through everything

Love.

Us Then Me.

I would like reassurance from you
when our interactions
don’t work out as planned
and I feel failure.

Add it to the list
of relationship actions
I ask of you
that are significant to me.

Those important factors
you frequently forget
until I raise them again
and you react with actioning.

It seems too much to ask
your remembrance and desire
to willingly fulfill me
as I do of you.

Maybe that’s just how you are
but I sense a holding back
restrained by fear, still
after twenty years together.

So I mourn the loss
a relationship that never quite
bloomed
as I would have liked.

Can I be comfortable with this
a compromise
or just acceptance, appreciation
to ease the days.

What is important to me
I am journeying to discover
being open to changes
realizing new states of being.

(6 February 2015)