Pain and fun and all the experiences I had growing to where I am now. And remembering can be overwhelming, because of the emotion it brings. Especially the sad emotions, the hurt, the moments that led me to questioning myself until I curled up into a ball and burned with tears because I felt so small and insignificant and lost. I don’t feel like I’ve learnt how to move beyond that, I just know that it happens less often. The emotions don’t overwhelm very often. But I am troubled by the unsettling hurt constantly bubbling beneath the surface of my consciousness. An uneasiness that disturbs my calmness. I don’t want to deny it. But when I try to accept what it is, the pain is confusing in its powerful pull over me. I remember this can’t be ignored. I remember there are people who care about me. I remember to make whatever positive effort feels manageable at these times. I remember that doing a little of something is 100% more effective than doing nothing. I choose to action over my memories. I choose to allow remembering to be what it is. I remember that there is a better place for my spirit to exist. I remember to love myself first with a gentleness and acceptance. I remember my calm, loving self. I remember my completeness.
The message sent to me
“You already possess
to become great.”
Yes indeed. Right now, right here, just as I am.
Then followed the thoughts of darkness.
And I saw that all is in balance. It needs to be.
The darkness is simply another energy that contrasts the light. It can be used in different ways. It must be understood differently.
And I see that harnessing and managing the darkness has been difficult for me in the past because I didn’t have the skill-set or the understanding.
These are tools and techniques that can be learnt – if we are brave enough to discuss them openly.
Difficulties arise within the pain that typically accompanies the darkness. The pain of unmet life expectations, or the pain of confusion and perceived loneliness. These brief memories spring forth for me right now. And there is no pain within these memories, within this moment. For my understanding of life, and of myself, lets gentle awareness be in charge.
This entire reveal comes with a quiet calm, of knowing that the choice is mine every step of the way. That every thought, action, every motivation and decision, can propel me forwards – into the light, and greatness.
Munch munch munch. Feed the hungry body that craves something passing for sustenance. Shove the food in with purpose to satisfy desire. There is no pausing to appreciate the moment, nor to savour the experience, only a need to fill. A need to fill the body to pass off the soul as satisfied.
And it doesn’t. Hollowness and emptiness sit hand in hand during this indulgence laid bare through its lack of mindfulness.
There are lessons here. And I vaguely sense their outline. But I’m too tired to make any sense from them. Too tired of feeding this ever hungriness that sits within me.
The Ego is never satisfied. It only ever wants the attention, wants to win, wants to be the focus and the purpose. It wants and wants and wants.
So I will acknowledge that part of me for what it is. I will calmly turn my attention away from the brash forcefulness, towards the quiet part of me. The part that will accept all that I have, will accept all that there is around me and within me right now. The way that feeds my soul in a more lasting manner.
And I may sit here in the quiet for a while. But most likely I will just fall asleep and dream of days without confusion. Dream of straight forward days where clear communication begets an inner calm to all around me.
[ My diary tells me yesterday was the fifth anniversary of starting this blog. I’m unsure these days whether that date was when I setup and posted my first story/poem, or if it is the date of my first (backdated) entry. Either way, I glance back and see five years of change, of growth. I am forever greatful to my friend H.C. who encouraged me to start this, and to the incredibly creative community who have supported me the whole journey so far. ]
In my early 20s, for continuing self-improvement, I would identify facets of myself that I felt needed shifting. Perhaps an attitude to something that I realised I would be better off thinking differently about. I found that through the desire to change I would swing from one extreme to the other side and after experiencing that, eventually settle somewhere in the middle – a good place to settle.
When my depression got worse requiring medication and professional therapy, I struggled a lot with acceptance of myself, seeing this person as faulty and broken. Some of these feelings persist still, although I am currently breaking through that wall of self loathing.
Later on in life, with more experiences, differing therapies, differing attitudes to myself and my mental health, I really started progressing on my journey of self-realisation. Therapy required daily homework, sometimes difficult, but I wanted to move myself out of the depressive experiences that had defined most of my life to date.
I believed changing thought patterns and mental habits that were 20-30 years old would be difficult and would take a long time. But I was ready for the journey and determined. What I discovered surprised me. I believe the first major mental shift only took about 4 months, when I expected a year or more. And the more that changed the easier each change became, because they all built on the positives of the previous. Within the past year I have seen shifts that only took a few weeks to overcome a lifetime of negative patterns!
By setting my mind to it, by being determined to change for the better no matter what, and by learning to trust myself and rely on my abilities and the support of experienced others, I have surprised myself with what can change for the better.
Be hopeful for your own journey.
She was looking at me
Although I couldn’t hear the words
I could see a face shape
Her generous hair
But the haze of my semi-dream state
Left particulars indistinct
Lie to me
Tell me everything will be ok
Make me believe you
Say anything that will take me away from here
Guide and transport this lost soul
Then a voice came
“Only you can make the changes you need to, Whatever they are.”
I took a leap of faith
But a ragged edge caught something
Now I’m spinning and falling
Can’t make sense of where
I am now, or where
I am headed
And this feels most unpleasant
[ my response to a question posed by Leanne Rebecca ]
This complete mind body
Trapping me here
In exhaustion and sleep
I heard it slip out
“Triggered by anger”
But not willing to reveal
I accept and understand
Therefore it is my choice
To be here, my decisions
To keep the peace, on one hand
Leaves the other side in turmoil
My body is saying
“There is no peace”
Not acknowledging this
Perpetuates the battle
Raging hidden in me
The honest way forward
Is to reveal the carnage
Open up to peace negotiations
And not count the cost
Just find the way to end it
Without further casualties
[ Today, after two days of mind/body exhaustion and struggle, writing it out to survive, I listened to myself and heard the quiet answer. The guidance I need. ]
The trauma of my childhood
That no-one was ever there for me
Consistently, patiently, lovingly
No-one to talk with
About the confusion of life
Trying to learn what it all meant
And how it all worked
I developed my own coping
But now those inexperienced patterns
Are more harmful than beneficial.
35 years later
I am relearning healthy ways
Helping myself most days
But still sometimes
Falling into a deep hole, where
Blinded by darkness and isolation
I am lost.
The difference now is friends
People I trust enough
People who care enough
Fully respond to my cries
Support me through the terrors
And gently pull me out afterwards.
Finally feeling love
Enables self-love to grow
Is a terrifying new experience
But the backup from my friends
Lends me enough strength
That no matter how much I slip backwards
Each day steps forwards can be made.
I shared this with a select few of my friends, those that have been of big assistance in the past year, to express gratitude in my own way. These words are like a photo or picture, conveying a snapshot of one moment’s relevance to my whole life. There is so much more, there always is, just as there is a world beyond the edges of a photograph. But taking it all in is overwhelming. So this little view tells a story, makes a few connections, and leaves the rest open for interpretation.
“When you have only felt able to truly rely on yourself, real friendship can seem strange.”
Something other than what we feel right now
But what is that feeling?
Look around it
What can we learn from it?
Is pushing at our heart
Something we need to learn right now
I asked myself “why do I need to know others feel good, to feel good about myself?”
Am I relying on other’s responses to me, to feed me positivity?
Am I sensitive to discomfort, such that when seeing it in others, I feel it empathically?
Yes to all of these, and many other answers.
So, I asked myself “what does it take to feel good about myself, from and within myself, without outside influence?”
It takes courage, love, daring, foresight, hope, compassion, optimism, caring, persistence
There is no quaint, quick, rhyming answer that’s easy to read and easy to forget.
There is hard work, in changing the patterns of thought. But much of the hard work happens within. Physically rewiring brain neurons, which takes up a lot of physical energy.
So when you think about change, and plan change, and wish for it to happen
Also give yourself space for rest and recuperation
Because the invisible changes may be the most challenging of all.