Pain and fun and all the experiences I had growing to where I am now. And remembering can be overwhelming, because of the emotion it brings. Especially the sad emotions, the hurt, the moments that led me to questioning myself until I curled up into a ball and burned with tears because I felt so small and insignificant and lost. I don’t feel like I’ve learnt how to move beyond that, I just know that it happens less often. The emotions don’t overwhelm very often. But I am troubled by the unsettling hurt constantly bubbling beneath the surface of my consciousness. An uneasiness that disturbs my calmness. I don’t want to deny it. But when I try to accept what it is, the pain is confusing in its powerful pull over me. I remember this can’t be ignored. I remember there are people who care about me. I remember to make whatever positive effort feels manageable at these times. I remember that doing a little of something is 100% more effective than doing nothing. I choose to action over my memories. I choose to allow remembering to be what it is. I remember that there is a better place for my spirit to exist. I remember to love myself first with a gentleness and acceptance. I remember my calm, loving self. I remember my completeness.
Feeling responsible for others
and how my actions have influenced them
Telling myself that it is beyond my control
That I am not responsible for their life (any more)
Leaving behind, what I had to move away from
Will I forever be entangled with a past
that was so much of me?
Here, now, is who I am
This is where I decide who I will be
Where I cut emotional ties
and release myself from all that was.
Looking for answers to My health issues. Trying to find anything that might resolve or improve this situation I find my body and mind struggling with.
Then my mental negativity kicked in and made some connections to my father.
I’ve turned 50 this year. I’ve been really struggling with my health for 3 to 4 months before that and again now afterwards (interrupted only by a 3 week holiday from my Wintery home to the tropics).
And I wondered what my Dad’s life was like at this age. He turned 50 a year after I left home, a year and a bit after Mum left with my siblings. So he would have felt his life was a complete mess, he would have been very angry and hurtful/hateful. I know that’s how he was in the little contact I had with him over the next few years. I know he had a new partner to help him out at home (he needed physical assistance with his own damaged body).
So he was nearly 49 when his family left him. They left because he drove them away. His brain damage and physical injuries from a motorbike accident just over 5 years prior left him in a terrible physical and mental state for which he received little support. But he became even more negatively reacting to his family, even more critical and eventually resorted to threatening and actuating physical violence against Mum who was only trying to look after 5 children.
48 (a few months short of 49) when his life crashed apart.
I finally left my marriage aged 48-and-a-bit. I walked away from another relationship aged 49-and-a-bit. I’ve turned 50 and one of the single most significant parts of my life, my job and livelihood, feels like it’s been a mess for more than the past year.
Is that coincidence, is that linked? Maybe it’s nothing and yet maybe it’s something I need to work out – somehow.
Working through this is a big hurt of realisation. It’s an exhausting trawl through dark murky emotions and scary possibilities. I want to find some brightness somewhere, I need to find some hope in all this. I need to know that somehow this will all work out for the better. I’m living off vapours and reserves now that won’t last much longer. I want to move forwards. I want to sort out work life and be excited for possibilities, instead of dreading the entanglements that I’m struggling to sort out.
I don’t know where to start or what to do. Tonight I am scared. But tomorrow I step forwards.
There are times I can see clearly
Specifically what I need to do
Have the motivation to act
The forwards plan in mind
Often these are the quiet times
When my nearby world is asleep
And all expectation has fallen away
Clarity, focus, simplicity
Then comes the morning
With its health complications
Confusions of position and ability
Managing myself prioritizes over the externalities
And life seems too confusing to manage.
(5 August 2018)
feels like nothing
Where is worthiness?
My own significance is invisible to me.
Other tells me what they see,
what they feel about me
And mostly it is meaningless
This dis-ease is a disease
The nothingness slowly eats away
at whatever was there before
I feel nothing now
except a hollow emptiness
That I attempt to describe
to exorcise it from my being
But the process is incomplete
It is an unearthing
I know its not right
Yet I don’t know how to deny
[ 18 June 2018 ]
Longing for belonging
Instead feeling outside
Without real reason; as
Intrusive fears drag me away
From all who I love
From all that I love
Feeling the pain of separation
Fearing something unreal
Lost in a negativity storm
Comfortably surrounded by
white noise and aloneness
Whilst my brain screams
for all the opposites
That I need and want.
is all that I desire.
The thing is, most of the time I have no idea what I’m doing.
There’s certainly no devious plotting.
There’s no following the path in front of me, because I have no idea where I am and no idea where I’m going.
Mostly I just try to get through the day with as little damage as possible.
Yes I take any opportunity to brighten someone else’s day, because I care about other people.
I know what it’s like to feel alone, unloved, and to feel like you are not worth any effort from yourself or from others.
There is a deep dark loathing black hole down there, and most days I just want to keep myself as far from its reach as possible.
Plenty of days I fail to manage that.
Eventually, I take one little step forwards each day, to build up momentum and keep moving forwards.
How much do I care about you? That depends on the day, but generally quite a lot. The love you share with me is absorbed, added to and reflected back. My creation of original love is scarce, because of the energy it requires, and because of the emotional process required.
I will not acknowledge this darkness clawing at my soul
I will not name it depression, grief or anxiety, which gives it form and offers it power
I will not give in when the desire to hide away, from people, from loved ones, from life,
Calls me incessantly and offers an uncomfortable ease to this troubled heart
I will not doubt my own worth
I will not question every part of my being that others see as positive
I will not make life-changing decisions based on the fear of my present.
There are so many ways to dive into these depths
And in the past I’ve tried them all, tested their effectiveness
So I know that path isn’t right for me right now
Despite the comfort of familiarity all of that could be
There is only right now, hunched over,
Wanting to stand tall, but bearing the weight of my world on my shoulders
So for every step forwards, and every step backwards,
I know my focus on the future will eventually win through.
Hope calls me forwards
I don’t recognise it’s shape, but the warmth is enough to draw me away from this icy cold.
Hoping for a mind unrestrained by this clutter and weight.
Hope is a quiet voice, whispering encouragement through the darkness
Leading me onto a new path
Reminding me of the light that exists out there.
Wanting to write words of meaning
Of guidance, love, and trust
And finding thoughts, instead
Preoccupied with pain, unease, and
No room for anythink else, when
Frequently preoccupied with
Thoughts of survival, escape,
Here, there is no magic kingdom
Only a coal face of hard work,
I want to dance, but
The headroom and atmosphere
Down here is so,
Crushed by the very thought
Of a cave-in
While lighting a candle, will surely
Ignite the explosive dust
Is the only pain prevention
Ever drummed into me, and
There are pills for that
Tonics for your health
Yet they all fail to medicate
What matters to me
I grip the bottle tightly
But it’s gone,
Weak muscles wish to unravel
This tightly coiled,
I see bones, I see skin,
I see nothing within
And the shock of emptiness
Is all that carries through,
Carried back home.
Before everything else
There was nothing
And the future holds nothing, but
The contents of today.
The required effort to
Externalise the internal
Share, as isolation rebuttal
Reveal the darkness
Expose lies and truths
All of this drains
All of this, necessary
The battle for survival
Begins deep inside
Striving for my own life
Sharing for other’s benefit
Hoping for collective strength
Believing that surviving
will be embraced by us all.