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Black as Coal Dust.

Wanting to write words of meaning
Of guidance, love, and trust
And finding thoughts, instead
Preoccupied with pain, unease, and
Me.
No room for anythink else, when
Frequently preoccupied with
Thoughts of survival, escape,
Unhappiness.
Here, there is no magic kingdom
Only a coal face of hard work,
Struggle.
I want to dance, but
The headroom and atmosphere
Down here is so,
Oppressive.
Crushed by the very thought
Of a cave-in
While lighting a candle, will surely
Ignite the explosive dust
Surrounding me;
Safety
Is the only pain prevention
Ever drummed into me, and
There are pills for that
Tonics for your health
Yet they all fail to medicate
What matters to me
I grip the bottle tightly
But it’s gone,
Already emptied.
Weak muscles wish to unravel
This tightly coiled,
Personality.
I see bones, I see skin,
I see nothing within
And the shock of emptiness
Is all that carries through,
Carried back home.
Before everything else
There was nothing
And the future holds nothing, but
The contents of today.

Stepping Backwards.

The required effort to
Externalise the internal
Share, as isolation rebuttal
Reveal the darkness
Expose lies and truths
All of this drains
Scarce resources
All of this, necessary
The battle for survival
Begins deep inside
Striving for my own life
Sharing for other’s benefit
Hoping for collective strength
Believing that surviving
will be embraced by us all.

Protecting What Matters.

I spent about an hour of semi-conscious breaking-dawn light trying to remember names from the past. I had dreamt about them just before waking and the compulsion to reconnect was strong. Over twenty five years ago, that’s how far I was reaching back. I didn’t quite get the intended result in the end. But I did manage to pull up another friend of the time, finally got a name, finally remember a particular spelling, finally found them on a google image search (cyber stalking much?).

So then I was thinking about why the strong compulsion to reconnect. Particularly given my severe depressive episode this week. Looking for a friendly connection, a greater sense of belonging, a reminder that I am OK as a person? Looking for recognition of me, when I have been stuck into hating myself? Perhaps looking for a reminder that it’s possible to have an ok time of life, to enjoy just being with a good group of friends.

Rose coloured glasses! My quest notwithstanding, I know that depression was a big part of my life back then as well. Less understood, so not acknowledged at the time. But the more I gaze back into that past, the more I remember the negative feelings, the pain and the searching for comfort.

And right now, I really don’t want that sort of reminder. I easily slip into thought patterns of “why bother” with myself, and “life’s always been such a struggle – see how broken you are”. None of these are helpful. A little voice in the back of my mind says “none of those are true”.

It’s a daily struggle. Sometimes I can help myself. Sometimes I cannot. But one thing I am learning right in this very moment, is this. It is not easy, but it’s worth the fight. And it’s necessary to fight for what is valuable and important.

I don’t particularly feel those last adjectives in regards to myself, but it is being communicated to me through current friends. People I trust and love, people I am thankful for having in my life.

When the thoughts in my head drag me down into my lonely dark hole of depression, I trust these friends to hold my hand, to hang on tight and not let go, to pull me back into the light.

So maybe my dreaming was about rallying the troops. Gathering an army of support close around me. Because I need it.

I don’t know whether this is all for the biggest battle yet to come, or whether this is about everyday defences.

Either way, any way, it’s about protecting what matters.

Now There is Nothing.

I stopped and looked at myself
On the inside
The space that no one else sees
A check-in
From a clear head
After blurry weeks of just surviving
And I saw a desert
Nothing but dry sand
All the way to the horizon
I blinked and looked again
Nothing but ocean
Treacherous depths
No wonder I feel lost
No joy, no love, no life

(28 August 2015)

Somewhen.

Somewhen
Focussing on moving
On stepping forwards
Each and every day
Desperate
To not slip backwards,
Became running
Away from the pain
Away from myself,
And I got so lost
Before I realised
What was happening.
And now
I don’t know whether
To keep running blindly? or
to STOP
Scared of where I ended up
Scared of what I’m running from
Scared of all the imagined demons
Lost
Alone
Uncertain
Unsure of everything
Life – exists no more
Survival is all I know.

.

[ I pressed these words, and then found this from 10 days ago ]

Silver Linings – Day 7.

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“Thankfulness”

The weekend was a struggle and exhausting for me. But during conversations with a friend online, I came to understanding that depression was gripping me at the moment. Just that realisation, and knowing that a couple friends were looking out for me, gave me far more energy this morning than I would have otherwise.

I started the day with small goals. Just three tasks to focus on, for the benefit of myself. And that was all I had to achieve today. It’s a great little technique to create focus and accountability for your actions through the day.

So my focus was as in the picture above.

Today I will:
1. Get up, dress up, show up to work
2. Take care of myself
3. Be thankful at the end of the day

Number one is a good technique for any difficult to action tasks. Whether it is morning exercise, or some other new habit you want to form. Just get up, dress up, show up…

Number two is about not being critical of any setbacks. Accepting myself for who I am. Someone making an effort today despite everything that conspires against such actions. No judgement for who I am. It’s also about eating healthy and drinking healthy during the day.

Number three is partly my current project. Looking for silver linings in each day. It’s also Thankful for friends that help me get through a day. Thankful for friends that check up on me and ask how I’m going. Thankful for the ability to help out friends with my own wisdom. Thankful for feeling good tonight after making reasonable achievements in the office today. Thankful for a warm house and comfy bed to sleep in.

Little guides like this or a focus for the day really help me get through when I’m overwhelmed by feelings or just can’t see the light. How do you get through the day?

"disintegration" by Nathan Sawaya

Imminent Disintegration. 

I’m barely holding it together

Feel like any second now 

I will fall apart, disintegrate

And never be whole again

Fearing mass destruction

The wrecking ball of emotion

 

Yet these words hold the key to my salvation

I *am* holding it together

This thought *is* regeneration

I am something

I am someone

I am important enough to be here

Us Then Me.

I would like reassurance from you
when our interactions
don’t work out as planned
and I feel failure.

Add it to the list
of relationship actions
I ask of you
that are significant to me.

Those important factors
you frequently forget
until I raise them again
and you react with actioning.

It seems too much to ask
your remembrance and desire
to willingly fulfill me
as I do of you.

Maybe that’s just how you are
but I sense a holding back
restrained by fear, still
after twenty years together.

So I mourn the loss
a relationship that never quite
bloomed
as I would have liked.

Can I be comfortable with this
a compromise
or just acceptance, appreciation
to ease the days.

What is important to me
I am journeying to discover
being open to changes
realizing new states of being.

(6 February 2015)