The gaps in my heart
That cry out to be filled
That I jam up with searching
And questioning myself
For criticism silences the inner voice
I fear stopping and listening
I fear the tears that may flow
And then never stop
Mostly I fear being unable to help
Feeling paralysed by pain
[ these words flowed after reading this post by Vonita. ]
Every day I think about
What I want in my life
And my thoughts end up at
Everything she and I are not
The hurt anger frustration
The negativity spreads
And the only way
To productively deal with
Is to write these emotional words
Much rather write and think
I accept that right now
This is what I need to do
Longing for the nicer aspects
Of personal relationships
(23 October 2015)
Wow! Yesterday was the third year anniversay of this blog. It was also the day I hit 600 followers. Now I don’t place much emphasis on that number (followers come and go and some aren’t authentic writers). But still, it was a nice little gesture from the universe. What really matters is YOU. The readers. The people who comment, like, and interact with my words. That is all that matters. That is what this writing is all about.
• Sharing, conversation, connection •
Another positive sign I received was on a friend’s blog, and I appropriated the quote for my cover image today.
• Write hard and clear; about what hurts •
Attributed to Ernest Hemingway, and I don’t know enough of his words to confirm this, but it’s the reinforcement and confirmation I needed, so it is real for me. I’ve been concerned about the tone of my writing for a while. Yes I’ve been hurting a lot more than usual over this time. But I have always wanted this place to be somewhere safe I can express whatever I want, whatever I need to. So I have persisted and comforted myself with staying true to my intentions.
• Just let it out •
I think about the last three years of my life, all that I have been through: family, health, relationships. And despite all the pain, it warms my heart to remember all the people that have been there for me. All my new friends from here. That have supported me and shared their own struggles. That have answered my calls for help. That have just been there.
And the friendships I have made and built up closer to home. The people I consider my personal family. The people that have supported me through the dark days and been there to enjoy the light days. The people who welcome me with open arms no matter how I’ve been feeling on the day. The people who talk me through issues and give me valuable insight.
• The people I love •
So I will round off here with a heartfelt thankyou to the wordpress community, to my friends near and afar. I love you all. And wherever you are in your life journey, may you feel the lightness and love when you need it most. May you survive, grow, and become an even greater version of you.
• Loneliness is a lie. You are always loved and cared for. Just ask •
And again I realise
That I’m only ever looking for love
Longing for acceptance
Living for deep connection
I rarely do this for myself
I haven’t received a balance of these
I’m used to finding fault
Where this realisation comes from
Where the pain comes from
Where negatives assault me from
How to make it positive
Purposeful and productive
Must be my objective
The undercurrents are turbulent and mysterious
Unknown to everyone listening and passing by
The sound of change battles
Silent clangs and persistent effort
works both ways
seems so solitary
alone I feel
let me inside
to discover you and
not just a convenience
while trying to escape
don’t know their own strength
What have I done wrong?
I don’t feel any compassion from some people close to me
That I chose to confide in today
I’ve had 2 days of severe depression and doubting my own worth
What does it take to be treated with some loving consideration?
Do I have to harm myself?
Do I have to end up in hospital
For others to understand how much I’m hurting and struggling?
I don’t know how to survive this
In the past I always have
But it feels different each time
And now I can feel the anguish
Constantly calling for an end
(20 October 2015)
Maybe I gauge success on how I feel, more than what I achieve. So surviving but feeling terrible registers as failure.