Here and Now; from Before.

I remember mid high-school. My bassoon teacher being upset and teary. I later found out it was because she separated from her husband. But at the time I didn’t understand such things. I thought she was upset because I had done something wrong. I didn’t know what I could do for her to feel better.

When I think back to that time, I’m not sure whether I blamed myself for how she was feeling, or whether I was just so connected to her upset that I felt all her emotions too. Or something in between, or something else. I don’t think I had much understanding of relationships at that time. Home was unhappy with Dad being so unreasonable for a number of years. Maybe I could only react to everything around me; not being equipped to manage my own emotions, never being taught, rarely having any good examples. I watched others, and I picked up some cues from my brother; but it was more of an aspiring to be like that, than developing an understanding. And I think about some of my peers then; those who were working part time to support themselves, those who were out having multiple relationships, while I was still trying to get a hang of feeling and trying to understand my own sexual awareness alongside my shyness and lack of confidence.

Where am I now? I’m proud of how I’ve grown; of how I’ve gained significant understanding of myself during my adult years. Within my current relationship, I’ve gained a great understanding of how my own energy interacts with others, particularly with females. I’m learning more how to control the gifting of my energy to the world around me; when to hold back and when to let it out. I feel that I made some poor relationship choices in the few years before this current stable and supportive one. And yet I know during that time I was doing what I thought I needed to, to experience life in a new way, to experience relationships in a new way.

Where am I now? I am actively working to greater understanding of myself; developing greater compassion for myself; and growing in a positive direction (as I always have).

Where am I now? I am in a positive, supportive relationship with my soul-mate. I made my way here through positive choices. Through the brave choices of leaving (two) relationships that weren’t right for me. I was courageous and intelligent enough to decide what was best for me. I was fearful then, and yet I acted in love for my own well-being. I’ve always cared for myself, and that is why I am where I am today. That is why I am writing these thoughts out in this moment – self care; love for who I am, for who I was, and for who I will be. Doing the best I know how, endeavouring to help myself in the best way possible.

I know logically that I deserve this self-support. And yet I am aware that there is a component of fear driving me. Fear of feeling lost, fear of feeling abandoned and unloved. Some negative core beliefs persist; and these are my current challenge.

Am I worthy? Right now I can feel worthy of love, worthy of brilliant supportive friendships. And I also know that often I don’t feel that way. The dark hole of depression and self-loathing. A brain that functions differently in small ways, that leaves me hiding away from the world, self-isolating. It’s not healthy, and perhaps I can learn how to better deal with those times, how to manage them and ask for the help I need when I really need it.

I’m proud of my choice of friends. I’m proud of my choice of relationships, of my choice of life partner. I still remember that time years ago I decided to grow my friend circle, for my benefit. And now I see fruition of that decision. I now have around me the type of friends that I envisaged. I made this happen, for myself, for my benefit. To live a full and enjoyable life. To be a positive contributor to the world, and to feel the love of similar minds with similar energies all around me.

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[ 23 Nov 2019 11:05am ]

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