Answers Come Slowly.

Answers come slowly, one at
A time
As I step forwards through
The struggle
Motivation and enthusiasm for work is
Missing because
My inner critic says that I am a failure at
These activities
While I’ve been told this is
Not so
While I’ve been explained
The reasons
Rational thought is no support at
This time
Relying on the invisible, on
Trust only
I must.

A Letter from Inside the Struggle.

I don’t know who’s standards I’m trying to live up to. I just feel that 1½ productive hours in the office today is not enough, when I have jobs due to go out.

Maybe I am being hard on myself, I don’t know why that is so. I see it happening, but I can’t put together enough energy or thought to get past that observation. And so I feel helpless, or useless, or both. Maybe other people can find ways to switch their thoughts over to a more helpful, more positive direction. But for me Even a small amount of depression seems to make that an impossibility. 

Sometimes the best I can do is try and cope, try and get through whatever crisis or reaction is going on in my brain, try and survive to get to another day. 

What sort of messed up life is that? I don’t want to have that struggle every day with no end in sight. So often that is all I can see in front of me, and it’s not pretty. It’s not desirable in any way. It’s not something you want anyone else to have to feel or to go through. 

I could say I stand strong through it all, but that is nonsense. What I do is crumble, fall apart, and somehow just manage to not get washed away by the storm. The silent storm that nobody else sees, nobody else experiences. It leaves me wrecked and alone, locked inside my own head. 

And if I wasn’t able to express this all in words, I wouldn’t have survived thus far. 

Survival, how I hate that word. While it means life at the end, it also means the battle not to die. And I am so weary from battling. So drained from fighting, and for what? The chance to go through it all again? 

A vicious circle of perpetuation fills my sight tonight, as it does many other times. And seeing past, through, or around that to something else, seems beyond my present ability. 

So I thank you for listening, for thinking about what I say and for responding in a considerate manner that I truly appreciate. I apologise for my depression. I honestly wish there was some other way for me to be right now. And yet, here I am, in this unhappy place.

I hope you manage to be somewhere better.

Leading The Way.

Choosing a positive approach to the day
Makes a difference, even now, Half an hour away
As words of encouragement, and courage
Fly in from the other side of the earth
While, the frightened cry inside is heard again
Ashamed of yesterday’s failures and pain
Tipping the balance from one side to other
Refocus and push on, lest emotions take over
Again. Some days I have this control at heart
Some days seem doomed from the start
Little choices direct each moment along
Today I focus and pretend to be strong

A Detailed Request. (Reblog)

A close friend, poet and writer, who I first met here on WordPress, is struggling with a relapse of Anorexia.

She is a professional working in adolescent mental health, specialising in eating disorders (with an understanding from her own experiences) and these are the bravest words I have read in a very long time.

http://www.inourhands.com/mental-health/eating-disorders/to-the-friends-who-want-to-help-me-some-ideas/

I wanted to share them with you, not just as an example of what helps someone in that situation, but also as a beautiful example of understanding one’s own struggles, of how to ask for help, and of how much a struggle mental illness can be.

In these darkest of times, wishing you love and light, dear Pooky.

 

 

Update.

Life is tiring.
The last 18 months and more has taken it’s toll.
My body is exhausted.
With that comes mental struggles.
I have people helping me.
Friends and professionals.
Lately it is not enough.
I am in emotional pain.
Distraught. Struggling.
I barely manage a few hours of functioning each day.
And I need daily time to write it all out of my head.
It’s the only way to survive.
I want to read your words.
I want to connect with your feelings.
Honestly. I long to connect with you all.
Please remember me.
As I remember you all. Daily.
I occasionally drop by your writings when able.
Otherwise please forgive my extended absence.
You are already missed.

I will keep posting my own journey below.
Please stay in touch.

Unsettling Thoughts Once Again.

There’s a desperation bubbling below the surface
And generally I keep it in check
But I wonder/worry what (little) it might take for that more extreme side of me to come out
And what the result may be

I know that I won’t do anything stupid
But it’s the meticulous and carefully consider plans
Of an unbalanced mind
That concern me

Help.

I’ve been writing for some time now
usually to clear my head
sometimes to let out negativity
or express feelings of pain
And at the moment
despite writing and venting
as much as I am able
as honestly as I feel capable of
The release that I normally feel
is missing
and I wonder if
There is so much emotional pain
that I am not making much inroad into it
Or if what I am going through at present
requires some different technique
to achieve the release
I am accustomed to.
A topic has been coming up
around me, in a few places –
Asking for help
So perhaps this is what I need to do
to face some fears
and let all those closest to me know
out loud, or however possible
that I am not coping
with this illness
or mental state
or whatever combination of happenings
is going on with me,
To ask for help
and be open to finding out
whatever forms that may take.
And at the same time
I will keep acting upon
all actions possible to help myself
chase up all avenues of professional support
and know that this is all anyone can do
Know that I am supporting myself
to the best of my current abilities
and most importantly
be at peace with that
no matter what the short term outcomes are
because peace and rest
may be the only tools I have left
to positive effect
this current me –
This temporary state.

Crashing Crumbling Collapsing.

You say I am loved
And that you will give as much as you can
But the thought of being a burden
Pains me
Freezes me up
I would rather wither away
and shrivel up painfully
Than impose on others.
Because I don’t remember
feeling loved
and having someone care for me that way
Maybe there was
But my memory
and my experience
has been otherwise.
How do I tell myself
something I have never felt?
How do I hold onto a hope
that has never been part of my life?

I need help
I can’t do this all on my own
It takes all my guts to admit
and express it outwardly in any way
Just like this –
Leaves me exhausted
and needing to collapse in bed
Drained, spent
And then I don’t know what comes next
I fear what my actions bring

.

{epilogue}

Through telling you this
I begin to see more clearly
just how low I’ve fallen
And knowing that
brings just enough awareness
that maybe I will
be able to influence myself
and slow my fall
before I crash and burn

The Shame.

I feel guilt and shame
for being unhappy
while people around me
say they love me
and treat me decently
What is wrong with me?
How am I broken?
And how do you fix
an unknown problem?

I feel it sink into my stomach
and churn up nausea
Hitting me where it hurts
Physical pain
my most vulnerable spot
Autonomic Conversion

And I feel the retreat
Pull my barriers up
Close up, and
Withdraw
Just to feel
a little bit of safety
Weather the storm on my own
At least a few days
this journey will be
and many may notice
but not say anything
Select few
will ask me
“How are you?”
and I will open up
a small portal
just enough
to poke my face out
and explain
the pain
but never mentioning
the shame.

.

Exhaustion
from processing all this
and the pain
Then guilt
For not functioning
For not working
For not earning
For not contributing enough
For leaning on others so much
For being a drain
For being an anchor
holding others back
For just
failing.