I Feel Forgotten.

  
I feel forgotten.
When I don’t know who to talk to about my fears
When I isolate myself from everyone who could help me,
Because I don’t even want to be with myself
When I know my brain is lying but I can’t see past those thoughts.
Everything I normally do for myself,
Everything I enjoy, has lost interest to me.
It’s not just feeling alone,
It’s feeling left behind while others get on with their lives.
Lies, Lies, Lies,
Fill my head,
Fill my heart with dread,
And I can’t seem to control the flow of those thoughts
I fear being anonymous, I fear being forgotten
Because I know that will not end well for me.
I fear the waste of my humanity
I know there is so much more I can do
And I fear never being able to manage any of it.
My own expectations on myself are strong
While a harsh voice inside me says
“You can do better than this”
“Stop wasting your time and be productive”
“Get on with those things you need to get done”
And I wonder how anyone can do anything
When they just feel so much all at once
A flood of conflicting emotions drowns out the very essence of who you are
A hollow shell left, echoing the cold emptiness of your mind
My worst fears have come true
As I forget my very self.

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Everyday Madness.

Sleep was sent away
Putting aside tomorrow
For now was the time to be with me

Uncomfortable and Uncertain
Sat on each side
Told stories that I’d rather not hear

And all the while
I searched
For missing pieces of my soul

Thought that in the quiet
Amidst my own noise
They would be heard calling out

Singular crescendo
Both louder and softer
Background static grew too much

Deafening, pummeling
Sinister, sneaky
Overwhelmed within my head

No respite
Only endurance
I was shaken to the core

Over, and over
Repeatedly
Please no more. Please no more.

(18 March 2016)

Alone in Pain.

No one understands me
No one gets what I’m trying to communicate during a struggle day
It frustrates and angers me
Pushes me to feel more alone than before

And why would they?
No one has the same experiences as or thinks like me
And I don’t know what else is going on in their head at this time
If they don’t respond appropriately to what I am communicating
Then maybe I haven’t articulated myself as well as I think

It’s easy to use broad statements
“I want to end it all”
“I can’t bear this pain any longer”
It’s much harder to find the mediated, sensible thoughts
That still convey what is happening within me
That have the most chance of others understanding
That convey the depth and breadth of my struggle

.

[ while I was writing this I came across the words below from last year, which directly connected with the now ]

Some days I want nothing more
than to be
understood

To know I’m not alone
in my pain

(30 June 2014)

ʌɪsəˈleɪʃ(ə)n

She said
You are not alone.
You are never alone.

Yet I feel that way

I put up walls
Meant to protect me
Instead they block the energies
Of others reaching me

Think about this

I am not sabotaging myself
I am seeking safety from harm
Yet the harm I perceive
Is outdated, antiquated

There is risk in loving
And being loved
But the rewards are much greater

Be brave
Be strong
Embrace the risk
Risk is good

Let the risk create vigour
Break through the barriers
And embrace others without fear

Grab hold of love, comfort, companionship
Accept them into your being
Receive affection, friendship

You are not alone.

.

[ahy-suhley-shuh n]

.

Isolation-is-past_00011

Seeking Solace.

Wanting to withdraw
Stop communicating with the outside word
Feeling hurt by and not loved by those close to me
They would say otherwise
But my current mind state will disagree with them
Some of them have not been told
or may have forgotten
how much they are valued by me
Do I feel hurt and not loved by myself?
I feel the draw of withdrawal
because of all these things
Because I can’t bear to face the world outside me
and all the hurt I feel about it.

(24 Sept 2014)