Remembering Completeness.

I remember

Pain and fun and all the experiences I had growing to where I am now. And remembering can be overwhelming, because of the emotion it brings. Especially the sad emotions, the hurt, the moments that led me to questioning myself until I curled up into a ball and burned with tears because I felt so small and insignificant and lost. I don’t feel like I’ve learnt how to move beyond that, I just know that it happens less often. The emotions don’t overwhelm very often. But I am troubled by the unsettling hurt constantly bubbling beneath the surface of my consciousness. An uneasiness that disturbs my calmness. I don’t want to deny it. But when I try to accept what it is, the pain is confusing in its powerful pull over me. I remember this can’t be ignored. I remember there are people who care about me. I remember to make whatever positive effort feels manageable at these times. I remember that doing a little of something is 100% more effective than doing nothing. I choose to action over my memories. I choose to allow remembering to be what it is. I remember that there is a better place for my spirit to exist. I remember to love myself first with a gentleness and acceptance. I remember my calm, loving self. I remember my completeness.

There is no Facade.

Laying in the bed, in the dark,
Amidst the flood of feelings pushing negativity
Attempting to steamroll me into dirt from which I came.
Talking to myself
Listing the emotions and itemising hurts
The compounding unresolved triggers of a week;
Accepting it all;
Compassionate reasoning to slice though
the cries of a hurt Ego.
Does any of this matter?
How do I matter?
How do you find joy when there is none?
When maybe – a glimmer of hope
will eventually coalesce
from the scattered remnants of me.

There is no whole at this point
Only the black hole
and the supernova
Vying for control of this soul.

Journeying Forever.

There is no destination in sight

Only a journey of survival

An urge away from pain

Seeking to lessen childhood trauma

Growing towards an adult concept

While feeling trapped in the past

Wanting to be a new me

But still being, who I’ve been for so long.

The rock in front of me

That I cling to so dearly

Not as solid as first thought

This whole world feels unstable

Ready to crumble around me

As I fall into the dark abyss

Maybe this will be the end

While others call it the beginning.

So often sitting in purgatory

Atoning for my religious sins

Where actions seem not to count

Only a new death will bring salvation

The distant intangible goal

Hope is for a tomorrow,

Some continuance of good in any form

Away from a mind lost in the maelstrom,

Looking for any path

That doesn’t lead backwards.

Waiting for the day you feel good.

Remembering the past with fondness, easy to do when we focus on the good memories we have retained, because they are uncomplicated and uncoupled from the other (un-remembered) happenings and emotions of the time.

So how do we apply that to our present life? Can we look at the now with our rose-coloured glasses on?

Yes we can!

Find the positives in the present and in the now, use an attitude of gratefulness to store those as good memories now.

Don’t let your unconscious mind decide what you remember, guide your own brain to create neural pathways that will benefit you in the future.

Remembrance Day 2022.

On Remembrance Day I remember all
That served, that helped,
That never returned, or returned forever changed.
One minute’s silence.
Thoughts shift to my dad
He got sick and died
But it was the withering away from illness that really hurts me today
My strong dad reduced to an invalid, struggling to stay conscious during my almost daily visits
And me; not knowing what to say, how to feel, how to behave
Reminding myself that being present mattered.
Life’s not fair – or is it?
The mess, the pain, the hurt
Some of us move on, maybe
Some never really let go of what was.
I can’t forget my dad, so I also remember
Trying to love him, trying to help him, trying to comfort him
Trying to let him know that I cared, even when he went off on a rant
Inspirational, difficult, loving, flawed.
How to resolve all of that for my own being?
How to accept all that was, the good and the bad,
An imperfect person who tried so hard,
Made such a difference, and yet
Was frequently very difficult to be around.
And then slowly incapacitated by ill health
Parkinson’s disease, heart disease, liver failing.
And a Medical system unable to fully help
Complicated medication interactions
Drugs at cross-purposes.
And there was I in the midst of it all
Transporting to specialist appointments, blood tests
Listening and asking question of the experts
To understand it all.
Maybe that was a mistake
Now I know all the gritty details, all the difficulties, all the troubles
Seeing first-hand how someone’s life is struggling, steadily running down;
Once again, not knowing how to be, other than present.
So I remember the briefest moments of joy, of expressed gratitude, coherence
And let the positives buoy me through the storm of remembering.

Toss out the Map Tuesday.

Growing up being told to make plans, to be successful,
to find love make a family and be happy
Pressured into conforming, because no other option is acceptable.
… to who, though?
My life, my decisions, whether planned or spontaneous;
My energy creates the path that I need to follow.
And some days, feeling lost, there is no choice
but to place one foot forward, then the other
and move with courage through whatever now is
Trusting that I will find the place I need to be.

A life map redrawn so many times,
feeling compromised – but eventually realising
This IS my path
This IS where I need to be now
(and just maybe where I needed to be before).
For here is a new comfortable, a soulful ease
A freedom to be myself, once again
As my heart sings with honest openness
Here with my tribe, travelling together.

Dire Deprecation.

Incoherent thoughts keep awake the mind
busy with possibilities and desires
but feeling nothing more than an echo
of resting in warm sunshine.
Too much; battles not enough
While forgotten promises fade with the sunset.
I went there with best intentions
but eagerness overtook capability
and the shadow of regret constantly follows.
Searching for myself amidst the mourning
Disappointment dictates disastrous decisions
Delaying development and draining discourse
Dictated details of dire deprecation
and Deception dangles decency in front of dishonesty.
All I am
is much less
and so much more.

The Timelessness of Care

I can’t change the world
Can’t make it a good place for everybody
But not even Superman could
Because people mess up
And ultimately you can’t make anybody change
So I let my positive influence
extend to those around me
Friends, family, and random daily interactions
Because that is what I believe in
The power to make the world a better place
One human interaction at a time
Except for the days I don’t care for myself enough
The days I feel the emotional weight
of the whole world on my shoulders
Inner strength crumbles away
I can be me, but
It’s exhausting and heartbreaking
As a war of balance battles inside
I don’t ask for help because
The energy isn’t there
A brain so distracted by surviving that it’s
Forgotten about healthy living
Occupied distracting myself from the pain
Unable to acknowledge difficult truths
because there is nothing left to heal with
Drained
Hurt
Twisted inward to protect from outside
Hands touch me
but they don’t reach in far enough
through the tough outer shell
In this moment of terror, how do I move forward
Breaking out of the darkness is a dream
Being free is an impossibility
Wait
Hope
That is all there is.

Disrupted & Recovered.

Sometimes the sadness comes and I feel overwhelmed. Wanting to focus on positives, wanting to feel the desire to work in the office. Nothing but a rushing undercurrent of sadness that sweeps support out from under me, and I’m left floundering amidst the turbulence.

Perchance I come across a four minute Tibetan bowl meditation, which leads to a Tibetan Healing soundtrack that begins to clear the negative energy around me. Tired from the experience, I want to jump into work lest I fall asleep in recovery. But energy levels aren’t high enough yet, motivation hasn’t raised yet. Feels like emotional purgatory. Suspended between what was and what could be. Transition space.

Focussing in to myself, I listening for what is raising up behind the internal commotion. It is difficult to hear what I do not understand. Searching for an inner truth.

So I pause within this moment. Writing words to tease out meaning. Hoping for the unknown to reveal itself within the placement of letters and spaces projected from my brain.

Sometimes the inner space communicates this way. Sometimes I am left wondering what is happening at these times. Is my brain simply responding to an unusual combination of body chemicals, hormones, nervous system signals, and perceived stimulus? Is there a greater spiritual understanding? Are there soul energies interacting beyond our general perception?

In the end, the music carries me further forwards than my cognitive or emotional understandings can. The gentle flow of chord progressions moves my mind, my awareness, to a new place. A safe place of positivity. A place of hope.

Memory. Memories.

Feeling that I’ve forgotten so much

Because I can remember so little

of the details from years past

from apparently significant years

that others recall.

And I don’t know why that is

My mind supposes and questions

Trauma, pain, wanting to forget?

Or do I as an emotional person

focus memories on emotions

feelings and experiences

that I feel strongly?

Why the difference – or

have I been focussed on differences

rather than embracing variety?

Difference was pressed upon me

as a child. Therefore wanting

to be the same became a focus

Problematic relationships enhanced

my perceptions of separateness

Self-perpetuating experiences

within and without

Preceded by the complexities of

mental illness

brain chemistry imbalance.

And right there again

Difference

Compared to most others.

Remembering enough to know

that feeling different

for most of my life

Leaves a mark this is difficult to

remove

Why would I want to do that?

Why deny who I am for the sake of

others?

And then through many experiences

finding myself,

learning, by facing up to the pain

by braving new experiences

instead of repeating old patterns

Pushing past subconscious influences

Deciding and choosing for myself

what benefits me

Not what I wanted others to feel

Letting go of the old memories

Choosing to focus

on new memorable experiences.

Now, for the first time I can remember

Feeling less separated

Finding a kindred spirit with whom

everything is normal, accepted, loved.

And remembering a little more

Being able to recall without pain

Brings a union to the everyday.

I remember sharing more than before

I remember to be myself with others

Remembering bravery, love

and compassion.

Remembering to care for myself

as I care for those closest to me.

Remembering to love within as without.

Time to Feel.

There is time to feel
what comes forth in the day
Uncomfortable emotions
sadness and tiring extremes
Let them be
Let them flow along like a river
Be there for yourself
Be the understanding and compassionate
caring supporter that you need
in these moments
It is all okay
Feeling, is being more human
more real and more alive
After pains and distractions
you can discover real joy
Real freedom, real calm
Real life is out there
And it comes from inside you.

.

[20 May 2021]