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A Deep Conversation with Myself. 

Why do I feel alone on my own?
Because I gain a great deal of energy from connecting with other people and I fell that I don’t get that on my own.

Why don’t I receive that connection on my own?
Because I feel inadequate with my own thoughts. There seems to be nothing to reinforce me, positively.

Why don’t I feel comfortable with myself in the quiet?
Historic uneasiness and Fear. Feeling trapped in the past even though I am moving forwards. There is an inner dark place that I am constantly running from and I am trying now to understand it now.

What is this inner dark place I am avoiding?
Self-hatred. Self-loathing. It is doubt of myself and feeling that I am inadequate.

Why do I feel inadequate?
Because I remember all the times I couldn’t do things, Couldn’t function, Couldn’t perform, Couldn’t work, Couldn’t please others, Couldn’t be liked.

And do you see that a lot of those “couldn’t”s are just assumptions about situations and prejudgements of the opinions of others?
Yes I see that. I want to walk away from that – pain – and yet it all feels so comfortable that I don’t want to leave.

What is the worst thing that could happen?
That I cannot function, that I am stuck in depression or frozen in fear. That nobody likes me, or loves me, or gives me attention. That I will be alone, all on my own with no-one to care for me.

Why do you need someone else to care for you?
Because Ive spent so long fighting to be noticed, that I’m exhausted and hurting and I don’t know what to do anymore to be happy.

What if I said that you don’t need others to be happy? And that you can love yourself and feel everything you need provided from within your heart?
I don’t believe that. Everyone is looking for someone to love and be loved by and they are unhappy when they don’t get that. I don’t want to be like them.

OK. This is big stuff. This is strong stuff. Powerful and unsettling and I understand that. But I want you to know that you are loved. By others and by me. These fears are real to you, but they are based on errors of judgement. There is a much more positive energy environment around you, if you can tap into that, you will see the more positive truth. I want you to focus on that, the more positive energy around you. Consider it, feel it, leave space for it to seep deep into your being and carry you to a more comfortable place of existence. This is already happening as you take in these words, let it continue. Let it be the only preoccupation for your mind. Let it shelter you from the dark places. Let it be your guiding light. A light of hope. A way of living that you will be proud of and comfortable with. For this is you. You are already this. Just let the cloudiness clear from your vision and see the truth of the awesomeness that your life is.

Reconciliation and Hope.

Today was Father’s Day in Australia.

I spent early parts of the day, with my limited resources, trying to find a picture of him that I could post for today on my FB page, in memory.

I didn’t find anything suitable. I found a selection of photos illustrating him wasting away in his last year and that brought back painful memories. I wanted to remember him in the best way possible.

I went out for a bike ride to a weekly markets in the city. It’s a good place to sit myself down with some live music in the background, think, write, and people watch. I had forgotten how much I enjoy observing what happens around me.

After a couple poetic sketches, I was inspired to write a poem in memory of my father today. And I found a picture suitable enough to use illustrating my creativity.

And I thought that would be that.

Friends on FB were posting pictures of their fathers. Old family photos of smiling people having fun together, mid-hug, joyous memories. Along with this, descriptions of their positive experiences, their support, their love.

And I thought about how I experienced very little of that. Since age 10, when my Dad was knocked off his motorbike by a drunk driver, family life was never the same again. He suffered many problems as a result, which resulted in a family of 5 active children living with a physically incapacitated person sensitive to everyday noise. He suffered brain damage which forever changed the way he would interact with us. We lived with a person who became increasingly angry, irrational and explosive.

After five years Mum left. Eventually I followed.

I don’t have photos of hugs with my father. I remember some very early days of young boys rolling on the floor playing with him and that is all. I remember years of hating him, of wishing he was dead because that was the only way I could see life improving for the rest of us. Many years of having space and time gave me the opportunity to let go of the hurt and eventually reconnect. With assistance I eventually came into my own acceptance of what happened, of understanding, of letting go of blame and letting go of my own guilt.

I have come to acknowledge the aspects of my parents that I encompass, focussing on the positives. But I have always struggled with feeling loved, with needing to be loved. And I guess I am envious of those people I know who had such support during their formative years, who have some solid grounding in their lives.

When I see their stories, it leaves me sad.

A lesson I have learnt clearly, personally, this past week, is that the pain of emotions is a response within our mind. It is a chosen reaction. And we can choose to deal with it, to look at it with a different perspective, so that the pain is simply not there. The pain is only ever within our mind and as such, we have the individual power to not feel it. And that does not mean to bury it away somewhere. No, I mean to simply understand that by seeing around the emotions with a self awareness, there simply is no pain.

Pain only exists when we choose to create it within our mind.

This gives me hope. It lets me know that I can train myself to not create the pain. To live with a greater awareness of my self and a greater awareness around my thoughts. To live in a space where I am at peace, while still acknowledging all that I feel, all that I am.

And hope, is perhaps the most powerful emotion of them all.

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Just a reminder
in case you have forgotten…
You are brave.
You are loved.
You are valued.
You are enough.
You are worthy.
You are seen…
& you have Never been forgotten.
This world can be ugly.
This life can be hard.
But always and forever…
there is Hope.
& you are never alone.
Keep holding on.

(19 July 2016)
Words from @oncomingalive

Not Quite a Meditation.

It’s okay to struggle
It’s okay to not have answers
It’s okay to not even know the questions.
See yourself getting up,
and taking one step forwards,
away from your thoughts
Where you are now is in the present
It is a good place to be
Let the moment guide you,
give you ideas,
give you a moment’s – breathing space.
Breathe,
That is good as well
There is strength in a breath
Let each breath carry away your thoughts
Let your mind be calm
Let your shoulders drop into rest
And let your body relax
Relax into each breath.
Where you are right now, is a good place,
a safe place.

At some point,
I lose my quiet space.
Life grabs hold of me, gently,
and pushes me around
I feel uncomfortable
I feel nauseous
I feel a pull towards frustration and anger.
I breathe
I focus on what matters to me,
not on what life suggests “should” matter.
Feelings pass eventually
Tiredness arrives,
the sort you can only push away for a few hours.
Caring for myself urges into priority
Plans for the day become questions instead
“What am I capable of today?”
“What do I need to do for myself?”
“How is my energy best spent?”
I decide to step forwards,
out of this moment,
and see what the day brings.

Dangerous: A Point Of View.

There is hope and optimism
in the hearts of others
Belief in better days to come
for this person they see occasionally
But they have not experienced
the persistent pressure this body exudes
The depths to which it plunges
darkness and crushing pressure
at fathoms of failure
To let someone else in
would squeeze the last breath from their lungs
before being engulfed by the pitch black,
the cold and creepy,
black skeleton of death.

Tug-Of-War.

  
As the tug-of-war flares up inside me
I feel both, the forwards momentum, and
The screaming fear pulling me back
“That way hurts”; “That way is unknown, scary”
And many other words, whispered so secretly I can’t quite make them out
Being so exhausted, it’s too easy to let go and be pulled back
When did I last win this game anyway?
The joy and energy of victory are long forgotten.
Yet others join in on my side, grab the rope and pull for a while
Close friends, online friends, strangers,
Who all have my best interests at heart
Others who believe in me
While I try so hard to feel their faith,
To feed off the encouragement they give
And for the strangest time, I feel so little.

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Feeling Events.

Kneeling on the floor
In the cool morning air
Companion rabbit settled next to me

I feel so much
I feel for those affected
By senseless violence in Brussels

I feel so much
I feel for untimely death
Of Highschool friends and of strangers

And I hold tight
A cloak around me
Of love from my closest, and the like-minded

And I send out my intent
To all those in pain
A guiding light of Peace, Truth, Acknowledgement and Love

To all who are in need
In any way
This is shared for you, Spread for you, and for me.