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More Than I Can Manage.

Reaching for clarity and release
As my mind has turned on me, repeating:
“I am only worth my achievements”
“This body breaks down and fails me”
Continued pain and difficulty is too much
Wanting to shut off and shut down
Permanently.

And I really do my best
To guide myself through this
To make a positive difference
While drowning in negativity
Yet it seems an impossible task
When every action is not enough
Pointless rationalising of my irrational mind
The more I try, the less I achieve,
Then sink further into helplessness
Shrouded with frustration and guilt.

Others have choice,
Control over their thoughts
While today I sit by helpless
As my brain pounds me to the ground
Today I sit, exhausted,
From trying to be,
Something stronger than I feel,
Something more than I can manage.

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Leading The Way.

Choosing a positive approach to the day
Makes a difference, even now, Half an hour away
As words of encouragement, and courage
Fly in from the other side of the earth
While, the frightened cry inside is heard again
Ashamed of yesterday’s failures and pain
Tipping the balance from one side to other
Refocus and push on, lest emotions take over
Again. Some days I have this control at heart
Some days seem doomed from the start
Little choices direct each moment along
Today I focus and pretend to be strong

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Some Days, Some Hope.

I’m so weary
I just want to close my eyes and sleep
To wake up to a different time,
A different place,
Where all these worries have passed
Where I can start afresh and choose my own way
Instead of reacting and intervening in a messy existence
Many days, that is my only hope.

Tug-Of-War.

  
As the tug-of-war flares up inside me
I feel both, the forwards momentum, and
The screaming fear pulling me back
“That way hurts”; “That way is unknown, scary”
And many other words, whispered so secretly I can’t quite make them out
Being so exhausted, it’s too easy to let go and be pulled back
When did I last win this game anyway?
The joy and energy of victory are long forgotten.
Yet others join in on my side, grab the rope and pull for a while
Close friends, online friends, strangers,
Who all have my best interests at heart
Others who believe in me
While I try so hard to feel their faith,
To feed off the encouragement they give
And for the strangest time, I feel so little.

Interrobang.

  
This life
This ONE life
Just how precious is it?
Like so many others
I’ve spent time, both
frittering it away
and worshipping it
Reacting to it
Fighting it
Asking myself
“Is this it ‽”.
And eventually,
hearing the distant voice
of my body crying out
NOT THIS.
Exhausted and overwrought
Depression territory.
But there is something about
looking at it all
Through loving eyes, and
Surrendering to it all.
Being the most real
The most honest to yourself
and To the universe
Because:
Surrender is expression not suppression

(15 April 2016)

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[ When I open up to another person, get vulnerable and reveal more of the inner me – and they reject me – it doesn’t mean I am rejectable or unloved. It only means that they were uncomfortable with something they felt inside, stirred up by what I expressed.]

I Need Someone to Listen.

I need to speak
Even if no one seems to listen
I need to find my voice
When I don’t know what to say.

My story may be worn,
tattered, messy, and bruised
But it is the only one I have
Even if it doesn’t make sense
Even if it feels all too much.

I need to know I matter
I need to know that my heart,
my voice, my life matters
I need to know I have value
I need to know that I have purpose,
when it’s impossible to see.

I will embrace this
Rough edges and all.

All I have to do is begin to speak.

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[ When I have fallen and can’t call for help, sometimes another spirit speaks for me. Based on words by Lexi Behrndt #oncomingalive ]

Dejected Beingness.

There is a suggestion
in my mind
that today I need contact

Need to feel connection
with other humans
to feel human

To feel
something
that contains life

Not that I feel empty,
I feel nothing

Actually, I feel so much
but it’s all negative
painful, and destructive

Failing to function today
Failing myself and others
When I cannot move,
Cannot talk,
Cannot bring concentration
together enough to
answer a simple question

My brain fails me
I fail at life
And isolation laughs at me
As heavy burden
crushes all that I am

What is left
seeks any relief
But in the impossibility
of that realisation
Dread drags me down

Saying that
“I don’t want to live”
“I am nothing but a burden”
Only scratches the surface
Of blackness engulfing me today

Anger has the solidity
of invisible water vapour
Tears are meaningless leaks
A frozen solid heart
both chills me, and burns me

Despair
My only companion.