Journey. 1

Each day this week I have made two steps forward, despite some individual step backs. I have defined a new positive framework for my thinking. And yet today I am aware of a distinct lack of self support or believable positive encouragement. It stands out in the midst of my otherwise positive focus. Exactly how do I find these words that I feel I need? Words that I never learnt as a child. Words that have been missing so much from my life. This morning my heart feels so empty, as a lonely sadness fills me.

Today I don’t remember. Today I want to rely on myself but find mostly emptiness instead.

(20 July 2016)

No Regrets.

Sometimes, I overview what I am writing
step back and get a sense of where I am
and don’t like what I see. Mostly struggle,
pain, negativity.  But I make no apologies
There’s no ill will towards self.  Because I
know this is part of the journey. This isn’t
who I am,  this is where I am.  I acknowl-
edge the hurt, difficulty, & darkness of life
currently, just as I acknowledge the times
of lightness and joy. Knowing that it won’t
always be this way,  keeps me grounded
in the now despite the turbulent storm.

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Trail Blazing.

A messy, beautiful journey
Self discovery
Finding what you like
What you are like.

Positive focus
Moving away from all the dislikes
Criticisms of self and others.

Training to disclose
The hidden desires
And obfuscated needs.

Who you want to be
Who you are now
Discovering and encouraging
All of you.

And you feel alone
Because this is your unique journey
But you remember that
You are never really alone.

So many are on this same course
So many have found their way
And others are about to start.

You see it, sense it, hear it
Paths cross with brief connections
But each link
Unlocks more of you.

There is so much more of you
So much to welcome and delight in
Open arms and warm heart
Will carry you on
Will complete you.

[ Thanks again to eledette for the words that inspired this ]

Starting Again.

Having days for clear thought
even if they are “sleepy on the couch days”
has been good for me.
“Not worrying about everything but just being”
lets my unconscious mind unravel what is important to me
And some of that has become clear to me today.

My relationship with her does not matter
In that,
it is not something to expend my energy thinking or worrying about
It is not something that can be fixed or broken with a simple action
It is not something I am in a position to make decisions about
because…

I am already on a journey of discovering myself
Small decisions made in the past already set this in motion
In the past year alone I have learnt a lot about who I am and what I want
I just needed to be clear-headed enough to see the progress.
Looking forwards,
I need to find more about what matters to me
and what exactly it is that I want.

I live for connection with others
I long for expressions of love
I am learning how to connect with and show love for myself.
These principles are core to my life.

It’s a start.
This is me.

(2 February 2015)

20150216-222643.jpg[ This Easter lily has flowered rather early in the back yard this year.]

Us Then Me.

I would like reassurance from you
when our interactions
don’t work out as planned
and I feel failure.

Add it to the list
of relationship actions
I ask of you
that are significant to me.

Those important factors
you frequently forget
until I raise them again
and you react with actioning.

It seems too much to ask
your remembrance and desire
to willingly fulfill me
as I do of you.

Maybe that’s just how you are
but I sense a holding back
restrained by fear, still
after twenty years together.

So I mourn the loss
a relationship that never quite
bloomed
as I would have liked.

Can I be comfortable with this
a compromise
or just acceptance, appreciation
to ease the days.

What is important to me
I am journeying to discover
being open to changes
realizing new states of being.

(6 February 2015)

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My Journey Planner.

I look ahead with positivity
Focussing on the outcome I want
Sweeping others along with me
And yet I stumble, tripped up
by them not sharing my vision
not understanding where I am headed
Propelled by my energy
But held back in their own fears
Holding me back with their hesitancy
Because I thought I needed company
on this adventure.
Now I know,
I can do this on my own
and if they won’t share the energy
I need to continue on
Without hesitation
And perhaps find along the way
like-minded, compatible energies

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The Shame.

I feel guilt and shame
for being unhappy
while people around me
say they love me
and treat me decently
What is wrong with me?
How am I broken?
And how do you fix
an unknown problem?

I feel it sink into my stomach
and churn up nausea
Hitting me where it hurts
Physical pain
my most vulnerable spot
Autonomic Conversion

And I feel the retreat
Pull my barriers up
Close up, and
Withdraw
Just to feel
a little bit of safety
Weather the storm on my own
At least a few days
this journey will be
and many may notice
but not say anything
Select few
will ask me
“How are you?”
and I will open up
a small portal
just enough
to poke my face out
and explain
the pain
but never mentioning
the shame.

.

Exhaustion
from processing all this
and the pain
Then guilt
For not functioning
For not working
For not earning
For not contributing enough
For leaning on others so much
For being a drain
For being an anchor
holding others back
For just
failing.