This Is Not A Manifest.

Time to sit and process. Take stock of the present me, and recent thought encounters.

I need to look after myself. I need to make decisions in my life that are the best for me, irrespective of how much that may* hurt others. There is no point in letting myself suffer for the sake of the perceived* comfort of others.

I believe my ongoing health issues are largely a result of the stress of my profound unhappiness. Said unhappiness being largely the result of a relationship that has not been fulfilling me for some time (10 years or thereabouts).

I have made my best efforts at the time to resolve the relationship issues. I have worked on myself. I have attempted to guide my wife. We have been to counselling together. I have made many attempts to open discussions about our relationship. And all through I have seen her narrow view. I don’t know whether her refusal to engage with me (verbally and emotionally) at the level I need is out of fear or a lack of understanding.

I have stepped back and left space for growth. I have engaged fully to encourage growth. At times I have also pushed heavily for growth. Ultimately for me though, this has all been relatively futile. Which has resulted in negativity calling me out as a failure. I know this is not true. I have been battling to believe that I have done the best I can and that the negativity is a lie.

I do not believe in static relationships. I believe we grow daily with every experience, every challenge to our thoughts, every discovery within and outside of our mind. I believe significant growth comes through shared experiences with others. I believe that resisting change is ultimately hurtful to oneself, and that resistance is usually based on fears. I believe love is the basis for all good things.

I know that no matter what happens, what occurs, or what choices I make, that I have good friends who will support me. I trust them, as I have appreciated their response to my opening up about depression. And they have explicitly stated their support of me.

I have nothing to fear but fear itself.

I am pleased with my personal growth. I identify aspects of my personality that have changed significantly, especially in recent years and I am proud of the person I am. I have surrounded myself with amazingly supportive, genuine and fun people, whose company I thoroughly enjoy. I am proud of my growth as a writer and artist.

I have come to realise that all I ever wanted in life, is in fact right there surrounding me already and I only have to reach out for it.

[ processing time about 1 hour ]

Seeing Too Much.

I see a house extension that needs completion
More draft-proofing of the old house
A list of fix-up and repairs that seems to grow endlessly
Things that just don’t work because other jobs are incomplete
An outside deck and paving to finish off
A rear garden that needs to be kept under control
Neighbour’s bamboo reaching over the fence
Caring for pet bunnies, keeping them entertained and comfortable
Trying to declutter the house
Wanting to sell off items to clear space and gather needed funds
Required bicycle maintenance, my preferred form of transport
An old computer that is currently inoperative
A new computer that is not yet operational
A month’s worth of laundry waiting to be put away
The list I see goes on and on and on
And lost in there somewhere, is self care
Blurred into dealing with hidden illness, mental and physical
And this current exhaustion and emotional overwhelming
Missed work hours, missed income,
Clients relying on me despite my fatigue
How do I keep my head straight through all this?
It tries to overwhelm me
But mostly I just let it go, it’s all I can do
Fumble through trying to work this day out
To survive just a little longer
For what, where am I headed like this?
It doesn’t feel like living, not what I want life to be.
And yet, I can manage to say to myself
Today I am coping with, that which previously chained me down in bed
It seems the only hope I have, but I don’t know what it means

I Found You Covered in Ash. 

For others
For yourself
What is important in your life?
Striving to be something
Someone
That matters to others
Craving acceptance from others.
Who do you think you are?
What do I think?
You thoughts are in a strange place.
This darkness
Mere ash on your skin
From the fires of uncertainty
Scorching your lost mind.
My fingers brushed your hand
Revealing delicate perfect skin
Your humanity shone out.
Gently blowing the ash from your eyes
See who you are
Perfection, in truth revealed.
This, you
Who you are
Is enough
All you ever need, already
Right there beneath the ash

.

[ for Abs. ]

This Body.

This complete mind body
Trapping me here
In exhaustion and sleep
I heard it slip out
“Triggered by anger”
But not willing to reveal
I accept and understand
Therefore it is my choice
To be here, my decisions
Are responsible
To keep the peace, on one hand
Leaves the other side in turmoil
My body is saying
“There is no peace”
Right now
Not acknowledging this
Perpetuates the battle
Raging hidden in me
The honest way forward
Is to reveal the carnage
Open up to peace negotiations
And not count the cost
Just find the way to end it
Without further casualties

.

[ Today, after two days of mind/body exhaustion and struggle, writing it out to survive, I listened to myself and heard the quiet answer. The guidance I need. ]

First Awareness.

This morning my focus shifted.

From a weekend of enjoyment, friendship and excitement

Where every moment was looking forwards 

to interaction, conversation, stimulation

That time behind me now, I am searching

For connection, interaction, activation

And when the sad feelings creep in

My search goes to the only place I know when alone

My dark feelings 

The heartless, painful, angry emotions 

that shred my confidence

draw me into the sticky mire

and start me sinking down, again

away from all that is bright and life

And I caught it this morning

I was aware and noticed the sinking

as my immobile feet and ankles started chilling 

So I grabbed a branch to stop myself

But I’m not sure if I will be able to pull myself out

And whether the suction will release me anytime soon

.

[ Shocked by the suddenness of the return to the old; knowing how strong it can hold; And how easy it is to slide deep into the mire; without realising until it seems impossible to move. Aware of the shift in mental focus, but unsure what I can do. ]

Understanding Real Friendship.

abandoned

The trauma of my childhood
That no-one was ever there for me
Consistently, patiently, lovingly
No-one to talk with
About the confusion of life
Trying to learn what it all meant
And how it all worked
I developed my own coping
But now those inexperienced patterns
Are more harmful than beneficial.
35 years later
I am relearning healthy ways
Helping myself most days
But still sometimes
Falling into a deep hole, where
Blinded by darkness and isolation
I am lost.
The difference now is friends
People I trust enough
People who care enough
Unconditionally, openly,
Fully respond to my cries
Support me through the terrors
And gently pull me out afterwards.
Finally feeling love
Enables self-love to grow
Learning self-support
Is a terrifying new experience
But the backup from my friends
Lends me enough strength
That no matter how much I slip backwards
Each day steps forwards can be made.

.

I shared this with a select few of my friends, those that have been of big assistance in the past year, to express gratitude in my own way. These words are like a photo or picture, conveying a snapshot of one moment’s relevance to my whole life. There is so much more, there always is, just as there is a world beyond the edges of a photograph. But taking it all in is overwhelming. So this little view tells a story, makes a few connections, and leaves the rest open for interpretation.

“When you have only felt able to truly rely on yourself, real friendship can seem strange.”

Headlong Despite Feeling.

I saw shapes that reminded me
Heard sounds that carried me
Felt emotions that crushed me
Remembered and forgot it all in the same moment
I was moved and suddenly I
wanted to be still enough to hear through the silence
and silent enough to know the stillness that calmed
and claimed me as it’s own
My place was ready
but I was not
about
to change direction
Unknowingly crashing forward
Unfeelingly pushing through
all that mattered
to me.

Who Am I Now?

I want to grow
I always knew I needed to grow
Somewhere along the way I decided that growing together within a marriage was what you did, was good
Somewhere within that I lost track of myself and when we stopped growing the same way it grated and tugged at me
Now I’m trying to find myself again
for my own growth opportunities and to rediscover who I am now
To rediscover who I can be

(29 December 2014)

Shifting States.

Arguing
Being right
Blame
Regret
Doubt
Shame
It’s all a big game
That no one wins

Step outside of all that
Shift your thoughts
to a higher level
Bring a new awareness
A wider perspective
Consider
“what is the situation trying to show me”
And ask yourself
“what’s the gift here for me NOW in this very moment?”

You will see
dramatic changes
if you are open to them

(21 November 2014)

It May Be A Plan.

What does it all mean Doctor?
This assessment and awareness
of the tiny details of my day
When there are larger issues
great big pressure-on-my-brain matters
to resolve

Maybe,
the enormity
of these difficulties
is beyond me
to deal with presently

And chipping away
at these little aspects of self
Making small inroads of progress
may eventually
undermine and shift
The Great Wall of emotion
and mountains of complexity
That overpower this simple soul

Is that what it’s all about?
It’s not sneaky at all
Just a gentle way
of making progress
of seeing more clearly
Through my current turmoil

 

(3 Sept 2014)