Have You Eaten (Enough)?

Munch munch munch. Feed the hungry body that craves something passing for sustenance. Shove the food in with purpose to satisfy desire. There is no pausing to appreciate the moment, nor to savour the experience, only a need to fill. A need to fill the body to pass off the soul as satisfied. 

And it doesn’t. Hollowness and emptiness sit hand in hand during this indulgence laid bare through its lack of mindfulness.

There are lessons here. And I vaguely sense their outline. But I’m too tired to make any sense from them. Too tired of feeding this ever hungriness that sits within me. 

The Ego is never satisfied. It only ever wants the attention, wants to win, wants to be the focus and the purpose. It wants and wants and wants.

So I will acknowledge that part of me for what it is. I will calmly turn my attention away from the brash forcefulness, towards the quiet part of me. The part that will accept all that I have, will accept all that there is around me and within me right now. The way that feeds my soul in a more lasting manner.

And I may sit here in the quiet for a while. But most likely I will just fall asleep and dream of days without confusion. Dream of straight forward days where clear communication begets an inner calm to all around me.

 ∞︎∞︎∞︎∞︎∞︎

[ My diary tells me yesterday was the fifth anniversary of starting this blog. I’m unsure these days whether that date was when I setup and posted my first story/poem, or if it is the date of my first (backdated) entry. Either way, I glance back and see five years of change, of growth. I am forever greatful to my friend H.C. who encouraged me to start this, and to the incredibly creative community who have supported me the whole journey so far. ]

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The Horizon of Desire.

My desires feed a deep place inside
Not dark, for this shall be revealed with those who choose to ask, those who choose the closeness

Hunger grows and searches for equally matched desire
There is no boundary between physical and mental intimacy
I simply crave the deepest sharing and connection
And the decision to partake is valid only for the space the energy occupies

While relationships constantly change, acknowledgement and respect remain the vanguard of this new reality

My responsibility is to be better than we’ve ever been before
To set an example of the best a human can be

Deciding on true equality, true out-in-the-open honesty and integrity
This is to what I give my consent.

.

[ inspired by the words of Laurie Penny. ]

This Body and Precious Mind.

This disconnect I feel
Between body and mind
Between where I want to be and currently exist
This is neither fault, brokenness, nor mistake
This is today’s journey
Through whatever my health brings
Through whatever my body can manage
Through whatever my mind unearths
And at least my mind is temperable
I can shift my perspective
Choose how to think and how to feel.
Today my writing is non-specific
Today I steer clear of painful emotions
Choosing not to amplify them with attention
Right now I choose my path for today
Revelling in the opportunity to do so
Today clarity is my friend
Today all pain is fleeting
As I maintain this precious vessel
This body and mind.

[ 3 October 2017 ]

My heart. My head.

There is so much more I need to say
To the world, to you, and to myself
I need to hear the encouragement that only comes from a changed state of being
From a fresh way of thinking
From love overpowering fear
And it’s greatest source is hidden inside me
I want to hear it loud and proud
And each day I cry for another vision
Another visit from the tenderness that had been lost
I. Keep. Pushing. Forwards.
Searching. For. More. Of. This.
And the fear claws me back, holds me back,
Stabs my back and leaves me bleeding in pain
When all I want is Peace. Love. Life. Connection.
How do I connect with strength ephemeral?
Wanting more. Looking for more. Searching
Tell me where to look
Help me see what I need to… Be.
When deep ruts steer me wayward
I ask for guidance, for a gift
To heal the rift inside my heart, my head.

Advice You Never Asked For.

I admit I don’t know your full story. 

But I encourage you to write because of my own experiences of that being a hugely beneficial path to take. 

When I was depressed for years, 

frequently suicidal, for years

when writing was my only emotional outlet, I pushed through it all and eventually pushed out through all the hurt into something that was truly a little bit beautiful amidst the terrible darkness. 

It was on the advice of a dear friend I started blogging. Fear made me keep it anonymous. But what I met was a writing community that embraced me and encouraged me in every way. I found friends who taught me about understanding and grief, about strength and persistence, about discovery and perseverance.

And I am forever grateful for that experience. 

I see now how I pushed myself through the fear. Partly out of fear of the darkness, but mostly because ALWAYS inside me, no matter what other shit was going on, there was the tiniest spark of light that guided me onwards. Perhaps it was a genetic gift from my mother, of hope or optimism. Perhaps it was the repeated words of a few close friends who reminded me during those darkest times that it wouldn’t last, that life will get better, that I deserved better, that just hanging on for another minute is all I needed to do in the moment. 

How can I not be grateful for experiencing that genuine expression of love from people I’ve only known for a few years?!

And now it’s my time to shine for myself, and for others. It’s my time to pass on the love. To “pay it forward” to someone else. Not out of any duty, or karma, just because its who I am. Simple, honest, caring for other humans. (And because, well, in that place, there are new lessons for me too.)

So I don’t know what you want in your life, what your personal goals are. But I see you already caring for and discovering yourself in many ways. We all want to “be better” or perhaps just “feel better”. While that path is a very personal choice, I see you finding your way forwards already.

And I just want to encourage you to do, and to keep doing, whatever it takes to maintain forward momentum in your life.

I encourage you past the fears in whatever way it takes, because that is just the way forwards. 

Don’t be afraid. Just be who you need to be.

=

[ feature/title image aerial photography of Mona Vale Beach, Australia, by Bo Le @safromabove ]

This Is Not A Manifest.

Time to sit and process. Take stock of the present me, and recent thought encounters.

I need to look after myself. I need to make decisions in my life that are the best for me, irrespective of how much that may* hurt others. There is no point in letting myself suffer for the sake of the perceived* comfort of others.

I believe my ongoing health issues are largely a result of the stress of my profound unhappiness. Said unhappiness being largely the result of a relationship that has not been fulfilling me for some time (10 years or thereabouts).

I have made my best efforts at the time to resolve the relationship issues. I have worked on myself. I have attempted to guide my wife. We have been to counselling together. I have made many attempts to open discussions about our relationship. And all through I have seen her narrow view. I don’t know whether her refusal to engage with me (verbally and emotionally) at the level I need is out of fear or a lack of understanding.

I have stepped back and left space for growth. I have engaged fully to encourage growth. At times I have also pushed heavily for growth. Ultimately for me though, this has all been relatively futile. Which has resulted in negativity calling me out as a failure. I know this is not true. I have been battling to believe that I have done the best I can and that the negativity is a lie.

I do not believe in static relationships. I believe we grow daily with every experience, every challenge to our thoughts, every discovery within and outside of our mind. I believe significant growth comes through shared experiences with others. I believe that resisting change is ultimately hurtful to oneself, and that resistance is usually based on fears. I believe love is the basis for all good things.

I know that no matter what happens, what occurs, or what choices I make, that I have good friends who will support me. I trust them, as I have appreciated their response to my opening up about depression. And they have explicitly stated their support of me.

I have nothing to fear but fear itself.

I am pleased with my personal growth. I identify aspects of my personality that have changed significantly, especially in recent years and I am proud of the person I am. I have surrounded myself with amazingly supportive, genuine and fun people, whose company I thoroughly enjoy. I am proud of my growth as a writer and artist.

I have come to realise that all I ever wanted in life, is in fact right there surrounding me already and I only have to reach out for it.

[ processing time about 1 hour ]

Seeing Too Much.

I see a house extension that needs completion
More draft-proofing of the old house
A list of fix-up and repairs that seems to grow endlessly
Things that just don’t work because other jobs are incomplete
An outside deck and paving to finish off
A rear garden that needs to be kept under control
Neighbour’s bamboo reaching over the fence
Caring for pet bunnies, keeping them entertained and comfortable
Trying to declutter the house
Wanting to sell off items to clear space and gather needed funds
Required bicycle maintenance, my preferred form of transport
An old computer that is currently inoperative
A new computer that is not yet operational
A month’s worth of laundry waiting to be put away
The list I see goes on and on and on
And lost in there somewhere, is self care
Blurred into dealing with hidden illness, mental and physical
And this current exhaustion and emotional overwhelming
Missed work hours, missed income,
Clients relying on me despite my fatigue
How do I keep my head straight through all this?
It tries to overwhelm me
But mostly I just let it go, it’s all I can do
Fumble through trying to work this day out
To survive just a little longer
For what, where am I headed like this?
It doesn’t feel like living, not what I want life to be.
And yet, I can manage to say to myself
Today I am coping with, that which previously chained me down in bed
It seems the only hope I have, but I don’t know what it means

I Found You Covered in Ash. 

For others
For yourself
What is important in your life?
Striving to be something
Someone
That matters to others
Craving acceptance from others.
Who do you think you are?
What do I think?
You thoughts are in a strange place.
This darkness
Mere ash on your skin
From the fires of uncertainty
Scorching your lost mind.
My fingers brushed your hand
Revealing delicate perfect skin
Your humanity shone out.
Gently blowing the ash from your eyes
See who you are
Perfection, in truth revealed.
This, you
Who you are
Is enough
All you ever need, already
Right there beneath the ash

.

[ for Abs. ]

This Body.

This complete mind body
Trapping me here
In exhaustion and sleep
I heard it slip out
“Triggered by anger”
But not willing to reveal
I accept and understand
Therefore it is my choice
To be here, my decisions
Are responsible
To keep the peace, on one hand
Leaves the other side in turmoil
My body is saying
“There is no peace”
Right now
Not acknowledging this
Perpetuates the battle
Raging hidden in me
The honest way forward
Is to reveal the carnage
Open up to peace negotiations
And not count the cost
Just find the way to end it
Without further casualties

.

[ Today, after two days of mind/body exhaustion and struggle, writing it out to survive, I listened to myself and heard the quiet answer. The guidance I need. ]

First Awareness.

This morning my focus shifted.

From a weekend of enjoyment, friendship and excitement

Where every moment was looking forwards 

to interaction, conversation, stimulation

That time behind me now, I am searching

For connection, interaction, activation

And when the sad feelings creep in

My search goes to the only place I know when alone

My dark feelings 

The heartless, painful, angry emotions 

that shred my confidence

draw me into the sticky mire

and start me sinking down, again

away from all that is bright and life

And I caught it this morning

I was aware and noticed the sinking

as my immobile feet and ankles started chilling 

So I grabbed a branch to stop myself

But I’m not sure if I will be able to pull myself out

And whether the suction will release me anytime soon

.

[ Shocked by the suddenness of the return to the old; knowing how strong it can hold; And how easy it is to slide deep into the mire; without realising until it seems impossible to move. Aware of the shift in mental focus, but unsure what I can do. ]