Harsh But True.

Over forty years being a pathetic demanding personality. Always looking for what I could get out of a relationship. Never fully understanding true friendship.
Missing out on true relationships.
Never fully being myself, afraid to reveal or be myself, afraid of being rejected. Always fear.
Preaching love above fear, but not living those words fully.

.

[ A particularly harsh assessment of myself, born of the pain and hurt of the past week. But it contains truth. And the truth guides me to where I want to go now, as I work towards a better place in life ]

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This Body.

This complete mind body
Trapping me here
In exhaustion and sleep
I heard it slip out
“Triggered by anger”
But not willing to reveal
I accept and understand
Therefore it is my choice
To be here, my decisions
Are responsible
To keep the peace, on one hand
Leaves the other side in turmoil
My body is saying
“There is no peace”
Right now
Not acknowledging this
Perpetuates the battle
Raging hidden in me
The honest way forward
Is to reveal the carnage
Open up to peace negotiations
And not count the cost
Just find the way to end it
Without further casualties

.

[ Today, after two days of mind/body exhaustion and struggle, writing it out to survive, I listened to myself and heard the quiet answer. The guidance I need. ]

Despising.

You passively reject me
by not remembering what I ask
rarely expressing your interest in me…

And that is the problem there
just an interest in me
not some burning desire
that bubbles into passion
Like I had for you through 17 years

I’m still here
because I need somewhere to be
while I sort out my mental state
(that was brought about by being with you)

(30 November 2014)

Paying The Price.

Dark thoughts say
I don’t think we should have gone this way
You made a mistake
Now we all have to pay

Someone always pays
For rights and for wrongs
I don’t care what you say
Now we all have to pay

Swift judgement to slay
No compassion any day
Everyone looks this way
Now we all have to pay

(14 November 2014)

Extracted from that Bubbling Under The Surface.

Denying feelings
that scare me
because
they are painful
and scream out for life to be different –
Change
as scary as the feelings
Everything terrifying
immobilising
draining –
Fight
Pushing against these emotions
these beliefs
They are as real as the skin of my hands
that ball into fists
ready to –
Come to blows
Beat myself into submission
“Stop doing that!”
Useless retort.
This is what comes of feeling
don’t do it again
Please just leave me alone
I don’t have the strength
to endure much more
And I’d rather die alone
than in pain

A Sort Of Death.

What’s up, she said
Dunno, he said
Just laugh, she said
Fuck off, he said
You’re cruel, she said
You’re mean, he said
‘Fraid not, she said
You’re hot, he said

And back and forth the conversation goes
With both sides standing their ground
They wonder if they will becomes foes
Or a friendship that will stay sound

He wants to explain about all the pain
That comes and goes through his head
But no understanding becomes such a drain
That he shuts down and shuts up instead

“Oh, how I wish…” and “If only she…”
Are frequently upon his thoughts
But expecting a change in someone can be
Leading too death of a sorts

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Amateur Astronomy.

My thoughts orbit
This energy source
In search of
A mostly stable contentment
Isn’t that what anyone wants?
While the pain of unhappiness
Bears the stain of unfulfilling existence
I’m held in place by
The inertia of this dark, solid, weight
Trying to escape the pull of
This black hole absorbing
Every speck of light around me
While invisible X-rays escape
Leaving my inner nature revealed
As gravitational redshift
Dims my observation
Into the spectrum of anger

Anger and Hatred Flow.

There’s a lot of hate and anger unsettling me
And admittedly
Being up writing after midnight
Is not particularly
Conducive to improving
My situation consistently
When questions of past
Scream out repeatedly
Feeling anguish, confusion
No answers there be
No answers to how I might
Feel released and free
Wanting to be
Repeatedly, consistently, particularly, admittedly, me

===

Acknowledging, accepting, understanding anger and hatred
Within myself is a challenge I don’t know where to start
Particularly from the hazy, crazy place I’m currently in.

Never Go To Bed In Anger.

Never go to bed in anger
Advice I keep hearing
But how do I avoid that
When my days keep on ending
With silent frustration
That I hold in
That I won’t express
Because you just get upset
When I talk about my feelings
What I’m missing
What I want
And we never seem to get to
What works
And what is good
Precious little positivity
Much experience negativity
No balance counteraction
Good memories a tiny fraction
Of the whole frustrating journey
Feel inadequate unworthy

Can’t speak
You’re asleep

In the morning keep the silence
Don’t upset you in defiance
Shutting down I need to cope
Stumble down the slippery slope
Where this goes will not be fine
While we cannot make the time
To understand and to connect
Each day fully, no neglect
And the energy required
Leaves me exhausted and so tired
There’s no focus on achieving
No efforts made nor love receiving
Feel ashamed that I can’t nurture
So it scars me like a torture
Thoughts crash down and are deceiving
Nothing left worth to believe in

Never go to bed in anger?
I do that nearly every night.