A Tragic Toll.

All around me people I know are affected by the bushfires
Some can’t leave their home without choking on the smoke
Others are evacuated in the middle of the night with a single bag
Our unique wildlife is decimated
More of our country destroyed than in the Amazon and USA fires combined
My own home cycles between a heatwave and smoke-filled rooms
The country burns and the government does very little
Our own Prime Minister went on holiday with a global media mogul
Instead of staying to support his Nation
Priorities.
Denies the relevancy of all the fire warnings sent to him 6 months ago
He apologises, and then belittles the victims
Outright lies, and says the opposite of what he previously claimed
Claims whatever he says now is the truth
and whatever you think he said before is misrepresentation
Every day truthful news and reporters are Trumped
Am I living in the USA or Australia?
Family homes, local businesses, and lives are lost
Feeling for the victims, is overshadowed by anger
At a government that chooses not to act in ways that could help
That shows no strength and leadership when we need it.
Hope comes from those at their lowest
Those left with little who give it to others with even less
Others who give real support, selflessly, anonymously
Every member of the public who tries to do the right thing
To help their neighbours near and far
And having little to offer in practical terms, I do what I can, where I can
My heart goes out to everyone affected
And my anger at the government grows
They will not shame or scare me into compliance
For they are the instigators of these dramas
They are climate science deniers and selfish egotists
Perpetuating a social imbalance of power and wealth for their own benefit
They won’t get away with this
We will make noise until changes for the better, for all the people, are enacted.

In Time, Life Changes.

In time, life changes.
Because you want it to, because you make it.
And then you wonder, about the different uncomfortables, the different suffering.
Healing pains.
Old wounds expelling poison, slowly improving.
And you wonder, do I feel better?
Because you wanted an end to the despairing discomfort.
While you still labour with troubles, afflicted with unsettling dis-ease.
Tiring dysfunction.
Besieged by the combination of interactive physical and mental symptoms and assaults.

Wondering if there will ever be more peace than battle.
Wondering when you will get back the strength you once felt, seemingly so long ago.
You look for hope, try to locate it whilst lost in the darkness.
Hope to stoke the fire within, to spark the light and bring back brightness.

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{ Struggling today with the tiredness, aches and unease that follow an indeterminate gluten reaction the prior day. Source unknown, and a rare occurrence these days of constant vigilance. }

Harsh But True.

Over forty years being a pathetic demanding personality. Always looking for what I could get out of a relationship. Never fully understanding true friendship.
Missing out on true relationships.
Never fully being myself, afraid to reveal or be myself, afraid of being rejected. Always fear.
Preaching love above fear, but not living those words fully.

.

[ A particularly harsh assessment of myself, born of the pain and hurt of the past week. But it contains truth. And the truth guides me to where I want to go now, as I work towards a better place in life ]

This Body.

This complete mind body
Trapping me here
In exhaustion and sleep
I heard it slip out
“Triggered by anger”
But not willing to reveal
I accept and understand
Therefore it is my choice
To be here, my decisions
Are responsible
To keep the peace, on one hand
Leaves the other side in turmoil
My body is saying
“There is no peace”
Right now
Not acknowledging this
Perpetuates the battle
Raging hidden in me
The honest way forward
Is to reveal the carnage
Open up to peace negotiations
And not count the cost
Just find the way to end it
Without further casualties

.

[ Today, after two days of mind/body exhaustion and struggle, writing it out to survive, I listened to myself and heard the quiet answer. The guidance I need. ]

Despising.

You passively reject me
by not remembering what I ask
rarely expressing your interest in me…

And that is the problem there
just an interest in me
not some burning desire
that bubbles into passion
Like I had for you through 17 years

I’m still here
because I need somewhere to be
while I sort out my mental state
(that was brought about by being with you)

(30 November 2014)

Paying The Price.

Dark thoughts say
I don’t think we should have gone this way
You made a mistake
Now we all have to pay

Someone always pays
For rights and for wrongs
I don’t care what you say
Now we all have to pay

Swift judgement to slay
No compassion any day
Everyone looks this way
Now we all have to pay

(14 November 2014)

Extracted from that Bubbling Under The Surface.

Denying feelings
that scare me
because
they are painful
and scream out for life to be different –
Change
as scary as the feelings
Everything terrifying
immobilising
draining –
Fight
Pushing against these emotions
these beliefs
They are as real as the skin of my hands
that ball into fists
ready to –
Come to blows
Beat myself into submission
“Stop doing that!”
Useless retort.
This is what comes of feeling
don’t do it again
Please just leave me alone
I don’t have the strength
to endure much more
And I’d rather die alone
than in pain

A Sort Of Death.

What’s up, she said
Dunno, he said
Just laugh, she said
Fuck off, he said
You’re cruel, she said
You’re mean, he said
‘Fraid not, she said
You’re hot, he said

And back and forth the conversation goes
With both sides standing their ground
They wonder if they will becomes foes
Or a friendship that will stay sound

He wants to explain about all the pain
That comes and goes through his head
But no understanding becomes such a drain
That he shuts down and shuts up instead

“Oh, how I wish…” and “If only she…”
Are frequently upon his thoughts
But expecting a change in someone can be
Leading too death of a sorts

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Amateur Astronomy.

My thoughts orbit
This energy source
In search of
A mostly stable contentment
Isn’t that what anyone wants?
While the pain of unhappiness
Bears the stain of unfulfilling existence
I’m held in place by
The inertia of this dark, solid, weight
Trying to escape the pull of
This black hole absorbing
Every speck of light around me
While invisible X-rays escape
Leaving my inner nature revealed
As gravitational redshift
Dims my observation
Into the spectrum of anger