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Black as Coal Dust.

Wanting to write words of meaning
Of guidance, love, and trust
And finding thoughts, instead
Preoccupied with pain, unease, and
Me.
No room for anythink else, when
Frequently preoccupied with
Thoughts of survival, escape,
Unhappiness.
Here, there is no magic kingdom
Only a coal face of hard work,
Struggle.
I want to dance, but
The headroom and atmosphere
Down here is so,
Oppressive.
Crushed by the very thought
Of a cave-in
While lighting a candle, will surely
Ignite the explosive dust
Surrounding me;
Safety
Is the only pain prevention
Ever drummed into me, and
There are pills for that
Tonics for your health
Yet they all fail to medicate
What matters to me
I grip the bottle tightly
But it’s gone,
Already emptied.
Weak muscles wish to unravel
This tightly coiled,
Personality.
I see bones, I see skin,
I see nothing within
And the shock of emptiness
Is all that carries through,
Carried back home.
Before everything else
There was nothing
And the future holds nothing, but
The contents of today.

Stockholm Syndrome.

This environment is my familiarity
My friend through long association
Warning intentions are long silenced
Pushed back and smothered by
seemingly real existence.

I have embraced my environment
in order to survive
in order to feel some comfort
when there was insufficient elsewhere
Now I cage myself in the familiar
And hope can only be expressed by others
The sweet syrup of darkness,
sticks and engulfs me
Your light is not bright enough to shine through.

(12 May 2016)

Sunday Regret. 

All I could remember
Was the pain of the last minute
Over and over and
Dragging me down
There was no escape
No respite or relief
My body was crying out
Don’t do this to me
I can’t handle any more
Quit or crash
Either way would be difficult
But first just let me
Close my eyes for a moment
Please
I will return
When recovery has occurred
Some recovery

(17 May 2015)

Dark Day.

When the darkness drags from the back of your head,
it’s all I can do to stay safe in bed
When the darkness whispers nothings in your ear,
it’s all I can do to hold back the fear
When the darkness pounds around your heart
it’s all I can do not to burst apart
When the darkness blows arctic winds to chill
it’s all I can do not to feel ill
When the darkness yells abuse in my name
it’s all I can do not to join in the blame
When the darkness grabs all my energy and flees
it’s all I can do not to collapse to my knees

screaming out my hell

Depression.

Depression
makes hopeless finalities out of resolvable issues
drains energy and hope out of life

When the darkness creeps over
awareness is lost before emotional paralysis takes hold
and reaching out for help is a thought long forgotten

The hole is too deep and too dark to see light anymore
surrounded by my own demons of suffering and torment
I cry out so much pain, but no-one hears me

And the pain drains my energy, sinking me even lower
I despise this place of anguish and loneliness
only contempt for my feelings of brokenness

(17 Sept 2014)