Reconciliation and Hope.

Today was Father’s Day in Australia.

I spent early parts of the day, with my limited resources, trying to find a picture of him that I could post for today on my FB page, in memory.

I didn’t find anything suitable. I found a selection of photos illustrating him wasting away in his last year and that brought back painful memories. I wanted to remember him in the best way possible.

I went out for a bike ride to a weekly markets in the city. It’s a good place to sit myself down with some live music in the background, think, write, and people watch. I had forgotten how much I enjoy observing what happens around me.

After a couple poetic sketches, I was inspired to write a poem in memory of my father today. And I found a picture suitable enough to use illustrating my creativity.

And I thought that would be that.

Friends on FB were posting pictures of their fathers. Old family photos of smiling people having fun together, mid-hug, joyous memories. Along with this, descriptions of their positive experiences, their support, their love.

And I thought about how I experienced very little of that. Since age 10, when my Dad was knocked off his motorbike by a drunk driver, family life was never the same again. He suffered many problems as a result, which resulted in a family of 5 active children living with a physically incapacitated person sensitive to everyday noise. He suffered brain damage which forever changed the way he would interact with us. We lived with a person who became increasingly angry, irrational and explosive.

After five years Mum left. Eventually I followed.

I don’t have photos of hugs with my father. I remember some very early days of young boys rolling on the floor playing with him and that is all. I remember years of hating him, of wishing he was dead because that was the only way I could see life improving for the rest of us. Many years of having space and time gave me the opportunity to let go of the hurt and eventually reconnect. With assistance I eventually came into my own acceptance of what happened, of understanding, of letting go of blame and letting go of my own guilt.

I have come to acknowledge the aspects of my parents that I encompass, focussing on the positives. But I have always struggled with feeling loved, with needing to be loved. And I guess I am envious of those people I know who had such support during their formative years, who have some solid grounding in their lives.

When I see their stories, it leaves me sad.

A lesson I have learnt clearly, personally, this past week, is that the pain of emotions is a response within our mind. It is a chosen reaction. And we can choose to deal with it, to look at it with a different perspective, so that the pain is simply not there. The pain is only ever within our mind and as such, we have the individual power to not feel it. And that does not mean to bury it away somewhere. No, I mean to simply understand that by seeing around the emotions with a self awareness, there simply is no pain.

Pain only exists when we choose to create it within our mind.

This gives me hope. It lets me know that I can train myself to not create the pain. To live with a greater awareness of my self and a greater awareness around my thoughts. To live in a space where I am at peace, while still acknowledging all that I feel, all that I am.

And hope, is perhaps the most powerful emotion of them all.

Dejected Beingness.

There is a suggestion
in my mind
that today I need contact

Need to feel connection
with other humans
to feel human

To feel
something
that contains life

Not that I feel empty,
I feel nothing

Actually, I feel so much
but it’s all negative
painful, and destructive

Failing to function today
Failing myself and others
When I cannot move,
Cannot talk,
Cannot bring concentration
together enough to
answer a simple question

My brain fails me
I fail at life
And isolation laughs at me
As heavy burden
crushes all that I am

What is left
seeks any relief
But in the impossibility
of that realisation
Dread drags me down

Saying that
“I don’t want to live”
“I am nothing but a burden”
Only scratches the surface
Of blackness engulfing me today

Anger has the solidity
of invisible water vapour
Tears are meaningless leaks
A frozen solid heart
both chills me, and burns me

Despair
My only companion.

Silent War.

I speak for the silent
Those beaten into submission
Given up on life
Or never knew it

I resided in those places
For real time and in my mind
Pain still fresh
Though scars healed over

Some hurts never leave
Asking why? Just get over it!
That is not the way
Complexity binds and blurs

I’m here to say
Kindness is harder than you realise
Patience must never end
True love reveals in time

I stepped forward
When others froze in fear
Or cowered back
Bravery overcame ignorance

No armour, shield, nor sword
Truth my only protection
Some battles lost
But keep me fighting

(18 March 2016)

Turning Away.

Of Love and Loss


It feels like
I gave you the best years of my life
Loved you with everything I had
And received so little back
Only a faint echo of my expression
It feels like
Now that I’m dying inside
And my health is dragged down
With my withering spirit
You step up, finally blossoming
And it feels like
I can’t face the world
Faking my face to you
Avoiding those who love me
Because I don’t want any of this
And it feels like
I can hold myself up
But facing the rest of the world
Is too much, too hard
Yet I don’t want to crawl into
-that dark hole with the slippery sides
Where I hide away
-and lose myself in regret.

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Sense for my Senses.

Black, black as the night
sky reveals depth of mystery
no respite
only glimmers of street light
orange and white

Cool, cool breeze in the air
ruffles my clothes
and hair
momentary pain distraction there
seconds without care

When the pain won’t stray
aches and shakes last
all day
chest full of rubble
head filled with trouble
there’s no comfort in any way
any way

Too Real Right Now.

Of Love and Loss

Resisting the pull of sleep
Resisting the call of tomorrow
Feeling the pain tonight

Lost relationship
Lost connection
With this person beside me

Talking does not reach
Touching does not feel
Together alone

Pain prolongs with staying
Pain transfers with leaving

Visions of betterment change
Not yet in range
All feelings be strange

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