Seeking Comfort.

Feeling uncomfortable. The heat making it difficult for me to settle down to sleep. Anxiety rises. Feeling uncomfortable. Break the cycle, change the temperature. Close up the house and turn on the air conditioner. Feel guilty for needing to do that tonight for a matter of two degrees Celsius. But it’s my comfort threshold. Over 27°C air temperature and my body gets very uncomfortable. There’s that word again. Fan air movement is not enough to compensate for the heat trapped by my body against the bed mattress. I really don’t like feeling uncomfortable.

I remember feeling uncomfortable so often as a child. Unsure of school classrooms, being a quieter child, not speaking up, finding difficulty to make friends, feeling different – feeling uncomfortable. Feeling uncomfortable being teased for being smarter and less socially enabled. Feeling uncomfortable in the classroom with year-round allergies, runny nose, sore eyes, sensitive skin, twitchy muscles. Feeling uncomfortable go to an specialist and being conscious while they scrape an ulcer off my eye. Feeling uncomfortable with a sensitive eye and needing to wear sunglasses in primary school. Feeling uncomfortable with bullies and peers behaving in ways I didn’t understand.

I remember feeling uncomfortable and being self-conscious around most other people. Later, feeling uncomfortable about my mental state, anxiety and depression, unable to calm racing thoughts. Feeling uncomfortable about asking for assistance. Feeling uncomfortable about doing my self-improvement work. Feeling uncomfortable about taking medication. Feeling uncomfortable about the physical side effects.

Feeling uncomfortable in a relationship that wasn’t as supportive as I needed. Feeling uncomfortable talking to a partner who wouldn’t enter emotional territory. Feeling uncomfortable persisting with a relationship that was growing apart. Feeling uncomfortable about ending the relationship. Persisting. Feeling uncomfortable. Finally realising the uncomfortableness of staying was worse than the possible uncomfortableness of leaving.

I’ve always sought comfort. To feel safe, and loved. To distract me from the physical and mental unpleasantness that was being alive. Never receiving the guidance to navigate difficult conditions. Never having someone understand me enough to offer the support I needed. Rarely feeling comfortable in myself.

Until I took control of my life. Went out and made happen what I desired. Found the people I wanted, who turned out to be the friends I needed.

And still at times, I default to seeking comfort. When I’m unsure, worried, not thinking clearly. Do I seek comfort for peace? Is my discomfort a result of self-care lacking? Sometimes you move way past your normal comfort requirements and make new discoveries. Sometimes other needs surpass the desire for comfort.

Is comfort more a state of mind? Is it achievable more often and far more simply than I realise?

There is comfort in writing – in creating something with meaning out of struggle. There is comfort in processing and determining self thoughts.

Tonight as my body cools, as I finish writing and my brain becomes tired from the process, and as music has eased me through this task, I feel the approach of comfort. Feel the quiet, calm, cool rest that is my sleep into comfortable.

Digging for Well.

Some days there is no trusting myself

Questioning the reasoning behind my behaviouring

Doubting the truth of my feelings of love

Thinking my relationship needs are met

Only after carefully crafted expression

Because someone in my past accused me of that

Even if that claimant was reacting to their own fears

And knowing that is not my intent

Ever

That I strive for truth and honesty

In all that I seek or do.

Yet I understand there is possibility

That my little cracked heart

Still has some healing to fully restore feeling

To a level of understanding and completeness

That not everyone manages to achieve

So I wonder if

Despite my best efforts

I do love as transparently as I hope

Do I reciprocate as honestly as I believe?

And the awareness of that questioning

The self digging and uncovering undertaken

Reassures me that I am doing the best I can

Within these moments certainty answers back

“You are doing well”.

Advice to Myself.

There is no need to hurt
Don’t ask why
Don’t deny
 yourself any feeling
Sit with it
Acknowledge it
But do not dwell on it
No judgement for yourself
 or the feelings
Let them be
And let them go
Be at peace with yourself
Within the moment
Let the storms rage around you
You are safe, here
 in the centre of it all
Until the tempest passes

Are We There Yet?

Those destinations our hearts are drawn to, called to
But we haven’t located yet.
Maybe we are already on
The winding path to our place.
Sweet home we will know
On arrival

(20-23 February 2015)

A Common Thought.

Want to let out all that I feel
Your arms around me
To trigger the release I seek
Crumbling
Collapsing
Falling apart
All melts
and flows to the floor
Then only me
Can stand up once more

Looking For (a) Home.

Perhaps I will find my place
Maybe I will find something
out of the blue and
after the thrashing about has stopped
that feels right
a place where I can be

Comfort and Feelings.

my life currently
is emotional uncertainty

feelings
so many feelings
a day full, in a moment
a year full, in a day
struggling with them
brings sorrow and sadness
accepting
and letting them exist
is my biggest challenge
exhaustion
from the battle

need a touch
a comforting presence
to remind me
gently
its okay
these feelings are okay
they are part of you
let them pass through, and exist
don’t resist
you are worthwhile
you are loved
you are not alone

Continental Drift.

An extra set of hands
to soothe and comfort
to touch and care for you.
I cannot share enough love
the contents of my heart, strain
through these ten points of contact
Can I reach you enough
to make a difference?
My influence searching
through your darkness
Moulding your nothingness
into a solid
we can both feel.
Feelings to connect
to join you to me
so that you don’t drift away
again, forever.

.

[ I wrote this for myself, Words and feelings that I need right now, While thinking about how it could be for me. And a thankyou to Natalie for the inspiration. ]

On This Day (12 months ago Reblog).

Words of comfort
Posted on July 9, 2013 by wbdeejay

Read this morning on a FB feed story, it connected with me:
“Sometimes we all need to be told that everything is going to be okay, don’t we?”

And I thought I don’t hear that much. Then I thought, I try to tell myself that, but I don’t think I’m very good at really listening to myself. (and *that* is a *big* realisation).

So if it comes from other people, that is good. But I’m not very good at opening up and letting people know me well enough to be telling me that.

And maybe I am so good at “coping” and “getting by” through the tough times that I barely acknowledge to myself that I would benefit from comfort or help, let alone permit others to be aware of my needs.

I think it would be good to receive that comfort, in some way, more often. (but I’m unsure how to let that happen).

But most of all, I think I need those special words to be the starting point for a discussion on just what is going on in my life, of sharing of deep down what is inside me at the time, to let the encouragement reach that scared hidden part of me that is crying out for support.

.

[ I wanted to re-share these thoughts from 366 days ago (yes it’s been a leap year!) because I feel they are still very relevant today and others may find them of benefit. In some ways little has changed in regards to these thoughts, but looking back at this I do see forward progress (And any positive move after the last 18 months is worth feeling good about). I am better at opening up and letting others in. I am better at hearing the support of others.

Do you need words of comfort? Do you struggle with some of the same questions or do you have similar but different questions of your own? Feel free to share with me in the comments. ]

My Approximation of Real.

Sunday night trying to sleep
by forgetting all that has happened last week
Feet are cold
my body shudders
Put on socks
and then
Cry out loud
all the pain
assaulting me
from being pushed aside
it … just … all … hurts
everything
and nothing in particular
There’s no rhyme
(see what I did there!)
or reason
it’s just all flooding out
Except it’s not –
All the noise in my imagination
So imagine just letting it go
imagine the floodwaters subsiding
imagining the washed clean feeling after being drenched
imagine the release
imagine your comfort
after the storm
Imagine wrapped up warm
and comfortable again
safe … sheltered … secure
The process is distressing
but the results are as real as anything
Can you imagine that?

.

ask yourself if what you are doing today right now is getting you closer to where you want to be tomorrow