Remembering Completeness.

I remember

Pain and fun and all the experiences I had growing to where I am now. And remembering can be overwhelming, because of the emotion it brings. Especially the sad emotions, the hurt, the moments that led me to questioning myself until I curled up into a ball and burned with tears because I felt so small and insignificant and lost. I don’t feel like I’ve learnt how to move beyond that, I just know that it happens less often. The emotions don’t overwhelm very often. But I am troubled by the unsettling hurt constantly bubbling beneath the surface of my consciousness. An uneasiness that disturbs my calmness. I don’t want to deny it. But when I try to accept what it is, the pain is confusing in its powerful pull over me. I remember this can’t be ignored. I remember there are people who care about me. I remember to make whatever positive effort feels manageable at these times. I remember that doing a little of something is 100% more effective than doing nothing. I choose to action over my memories. I choose to allow remembering to be what it is. I remember that there is a better place for my spirit to exist. I remember to love myself first with a gentleness and acceptance. I remember my calm, loving self. I remember my completeness.

On Daily Noticings…

Noticing that there is more to yourself than you often think.

Another layer of understanding and strength.

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[ inspired by the words (Daily Noticing blog posts) of @chantellegarvin ; 2Dec2019 ]

Here and Now; from Before.

I remember mid high-school. My bassoon teacher being upset and teary. I later found out it was because she separated from her husband. But at the time I didn’t understand such things. I thought she was upset because I had done something wrong. I didn’t know what I could do for her to feel better.

When I think back to that time, I’m not sure whether I blamed myself for how she was feeling, or whether I was just so connected to her upset that I felt all her emotions too. Or something in between, or something else. I don’t think I had much understanding of relationships at that time. Home was unhappy with Dad being so unreasonable for a number of years. Maybe I could only react to everything around me; not being equipped to manage my own emotions, never being taught, rarely having any good examples. I watched others, and I picked up some cues from my brother; but it was more of an aspiring to be like that, than developing an understanding. And I think about some of my peers then; those who were working part time to support themselves, those who were out having multiple relationships, while I was still trying to get a hang of feeling and trying to understand my own sexual awareness alongside my shyness and lack of confidence.

Where am I now? I’m proud of how I’ve grown; of how I’ve gained significant understanding of myself during my adult years. Within my current relationship, I’ve gained a great understanding of how my own energy interacts with others, particularly with females. I’m learning more how to control the gifting of my energy to the world around me; when to hold back and when to let it out. I feel that I made some poor relationship choices in the few years before this current stable and supportive one. And yet I know during that time I was doing what I thought I needed to, to experience life in a new way, to experience relationships in a new way.

Where am I now? I am actively working to greater understanding of myself; developing greater compassion for myself; and growing in a positive direction (as I always have).

Where am I now? I am in a positive, supportive relationship with my soul-mate. I made my way here through positive choices. Through the brave choices of leaving (two) relationships that weren’t right for me. I was courageous and intelligent enough to decide what was best for me. I was fearful then, and yet I acted in love for my own well-being. I’ve always cared for myself, and that is why I am where I am today. That is why I am writing these thoughts out in this moment – self care; love for who I am, for who I was, and for who I will be. Doing the best I know how, endeavouring to help myself in the best way possible.

I know logically that I deserve this self-support. And yet I am aware that there is a component of fear driving me. Fear of feeling lost, fear of feeling abandoned and unloved. Some negative core beliefs persist; and these are my current challenge.

Am I worthy? Right now I can feel worthy of love, worthy of brilliant supportive friendships. And I also know that often I don’t feel that way. The dark hole of depression and self-loathing. A brain that functions differently in small ways, that leaves me hiding away from the world, self-isolating. It’s not healthy, and perhaps I can learn how to better deal with those times, how to manage them and ask for the help I need when I really need it.

I’m proud of my choice of friends. I’m proud of my choice of relationships, of my choice of life partner. I still remember that time years ago I decided to grow my friend circle, for my benefit. And now I see fruition of that decision. I now have around me the type of friends that I envisaged. I made this happen, for myself, for my benefit. To live a full and enjoyable life. To be a positive contributor to the world, and to feel the love of similar minds with similar energies all around me.

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[ 23 Nov 2019 11:05am ]

A new EōN.

Screen capture from iOS app EōN, algorithmically generated Art & Music by Jean-Michel Jarre.
Channeling in
to the pain I feel inside
The emotional upheaval
and the unknown cause
Because I don’t like not knowing
Because to just accept this,
is difficult
When my whole life has been
striving to create some comfort
within a world that was
always so uncomfortable,
physically and emotionally.

Today I had to dive in
to the difficult hours
from this week past
And describe how I felt,
what I thought,
Reconnecting to those moments
To see where my thoughts
were really at
Hearing another perspective
To understand a way forwards
And tonight I could cry
Emotionally spent and weary.

So again I’m in the midst
of uncomfortableness
Not knowing how to cry
Fearful of the pain, of
wanting to curl up
and disappear from existence
Frustrated from feeling this way
When I could be celebrating life
Enjoying my new-found
freedom within a relationship.

The drum beats of EōN
shift my energy
Once again,
music is my saviour
Can a disconnected Artificial Inteligence
know my mood
sense my feelings
interpret a response?
One day this will be commonplace
For now happenstance is my friend.

With a clearer head
and a lighter heart
I commit myself to the night
To rest and recuperation
To new beginnings in new days
Tomorrow will be
what I make of it
Conscious choice will define
every moment as I travel
through the intersecting threads
of my world.

May your world and mine
interact and play
in a positive way
May we both feel significant,
useful,
real in some way that matters
May there be reason to smile
Reason to feel really alive
An energy that carries us
Forwards, together
Creating a brighter reality
A sense of purpose and belonging.

Always Feelings.

I feel much, and I feel little.

Emotional memories stir of past events, moments that just were; but became significant, painful, and joyful all at once.

They were left behind, thought they were let go; but circumstances brought them back to my conscious consideration.

Where they stir, simmer, and grab my attention for a while. Where they knock me off-balance and pull me apart; such that bringing myself back together, back to the present, is exhausting.

So I took today to rest my body; to rest my spirit and just be in my own space with no responsibilities. Choosing to act when I felt comfortable. Choosing to look after myself without guilt; to remember myself without influence.

There is joy in feeling little; in the quietness; in appreciating the silent mind that chose to be, today.

In Time, Life Changes.

In time, life changes.
Because you want it to, because you make it.
And then you wonder, about the different uncomfortables, the different suffering.
Healing pains.
Old wounds expelling poison, slowly improving.
And you wonder, do I feel better?
Because you wanted an end to the despairing discomfort.
While you still labour with troubles, afflicted with unsettling dis-ease.
Tiring dysfunction.
Besieged by the combination of interactive physical and mental symptoms and assaults.

Wondering if there will ever be more peace than battle.
Wondering when you will get back the strength you once felt, seemingly so long ago.
You look for hope, try to locate it whilst lost in the darkness.
Hope to stoke the fire within, to spark the light and bring back brightness.

===

{ Struggling today with the tiredness, aches and unease that follow an indeterminate gluten reaction the prior day. Source unknown, and a rare occurrence these days of constant vigilance. }

Holding On.

Some words must be blocked out

Never heard

Their dark, desperate,

deep disturbance

Disrupts the thine line

That I walk each day.

As they creep from the silence

I seek noise, distraction

action, engagement,

Push away the pressure

Leaving space for light.

Scarce lightness

Found outside in the sunshine

With the wind through my hair

As I glide along greenways

Nature ways

Pathways to sanity,

clarity, comfort.

There are no shortcuts

I know no easy way

to traverse time.

Just this time I find my way

quickly, quietly

Hopefully, generously,

happily, thoroughly

Following the hand

leading me along the light

Holding your hand tight

Holding what feels right.

Happy New Year, Dad.

I miss my dad.
Through all the turmoil; all the moments of anger, hurt, uncomfortableness. Even through all his own pain, discomfort, the disruption of Parkinson’s disease degrading his human form and bodily organs failing.

I didn’t feel him at the end of this year.
The anniversary of his death on Christmas Eve, then a week later remembering his birthday on New Year’s Eve. A busy time of the year when it is easy to not notice many things. So I paused, left space for his memory, thinking about the present more than the past. I remembered him with a toast of his favourite drink – Cooper’s Stout “Happy Birthday Dad”. For a change, there were no tears, no heartache, no grief.

He wasn’t close to me this year. He was somewhere else, being himself, knowing I was okay at this time.

And now, a week later, with clear thoughts, I remember and miss the spirit that sparkled in a way like no other. The love that he gave for so many people, selflessly. He cared in his own way, and I thank him for expressing that as best he could.

So there are no more visits, no more chats. No more awkwardness and no more love. All I have are the memories – the feelings and moments, emotions imprinted on my heart.

Responsifeelingly.

Feeling responsible for others

and how my actions have influenced them

Telling myself that it is beyond my control

That I am not responsible for their life (any more)

Leaving behind, what I had to move away from

Will I forever be entangled with a past

that was so much of me?

Here, now, is who I am

This is where I decide who I will be

Where I cut emotional ties

and release myself from all that was.

Yesternow Rememberings.

I’ve been here before
Familiar feelings, familiar side effects.
I guess last time I didn’t learn the lesson
So what is it I’m trying to understand?
Uncover and reform the energy of before
Disassemble and redistribute emotions
Wanting to get this right
Wanting to grow and become a better person
And yet –
Here, now, in this very moment, is all that really matters
Within the timeless being of mindfulness is enough
Perhaps not perfection as can be judged
Just, perfection in being present –
In committing my energy to honour and love
For myself, then, for others
The first seems the hardest,
While the second comes naturally.
Looking for answers to ease my mind
Guidance to direct my thoughts,
So that action may follow
And it seems that there are other energies at play
Both supporting and molesting my growth.
Before, when my eyes were opened,
My heart flared with inner power
And now I’ve been lost again in the darkness
Searching blindly for direction,
For anything solid to carry me forwards.
It’s difficult to lead oneself out of the dark
Only guessing on direction,
Unaware of the circular path worn in the landscape
Missing trees, missing the green and the sunshine
I forget so easily what was, and
Get lost so easily in the yesternow.
Sometimes stepping forwards is terrifying
While staying in one place is certain death.
Through the fabric of my world bleeds everyone’s fears
Sensitivities expose this heart to those emotions
Yet, while crumbling in pain
I would shine out as lighthouse in the storm.
Shipwrecked,
Support rallies around me
Let me be conscious to embrace the care
Let there be light on my face and in my heart.