I can’t find my hope
but you have it
and you write it
I heard you say it
And all these words
Their trails to me
Breadcrumbs on the path
out of the darkness.
On my own
fear blinded me
screamed at me
drowned out the world.
And your words floated by
left traces that I only saw
once I surfaced
and gasped for breath.
You never new
I never new
this would occur.
Know the power
of freeing your words,
Of gifting them
to the world
And forever let their echoes
find the hopeless,
through the cracks
in the walls
[ dedicated to all of my wordpress friends, I know you will understand ]
The Trigger Story:
I was fortunate to attend a most wonderful wedding in the Adelaide Hills town of Hahndorf on Sunday. A garden wedding at the Bride’s parent’s house, with a long garden down to a dry creek, locks of green grass and shady trees. Perfect weather, warm, sunny with a light breeze. The perfect location for everyone to relax, barefoot on picnic rugs and cushions, with local wine and shared food platters.
I enjoyed the time catching up with my wife’s work colleagues, who I know quite well after a number of years, as well as the Groom’s brothers and friends. Meeting and talking with the familiar faces and a bunch of awesome new acquaintances. It was, for me, the perfect day to relax and the best wedding guest experience I have ever had and I heard a number of people express similar sentiments.
As a whole I had very good personal experiences from Friday night right through to Sunday evening. Experiences that reinforced positive aspects of myself and my vision for how I want life to be.
The following writing is what came out over the weekend from my myriad of experiences. It seeped out through my pores and presented itself secretly and boldly to me. It is very significant and I am unsure how to hold onto this revealed truth and keep it as the realest part of me.
Occasionally I see the me
That I know I am wholeheartedly
That feels real and genuinely
The uncomplicated and free
Person that I wish to be.
The Clear Thoughts:
I want to have people close around me that understand me or at least don’t belittle me, accept me without criticism, encourage me and question me in ways that propel me forwards. I want people around me that have my best interests at heart without any selfishness or ulterior motives.
My hat, my shoes, my bare foot, my glass of local sparkling Pinot Noir Rosé, the grass and other’s picnic blankets.
And if I write, will you come clear?
Will all the madness disappear?
I seek a quiet restful place
I slash and burn the words in place
I need my freedom granted now
To find my own way out somehow
(25 February 2015)
Wet eyes leave their mark
Silent tears display the hurt
Signs of all feeling
(25 February 2015)
Those destinations our hearts are drawn to, called to
But we haven’t located yet.
Maybe we are already on
The winding path to our place.
Sweet home we will know
(20-23 February 2015)
Eyes on the side,
they see danger coming from any direction
Genetically wired to escape,
to show no illness or weakness
Creatures of habit
Place them in a safe home,
a burrow, security, shelter
And they melt with love
Relaxing into you
Revealing their individuality
Dance around you when excited
Curl up with you just to pass time
All as I am.
The trauma of my childhood
That no-one was ever there for me
Consistently, patiently, lovingly
No-one to talk with
About the confusion of life
Trying to learn what it all meant
And how it all worked
I developed my own coping
But now those inexperienced patterns
Are more harmful than beneficial.
35 years later
I am relearning healthy ways
Helping myself most days
But still sometimes
Falling into a deep hole, where
Blinded by darkness and isolation
I am lost.
The difference now is friends
People I trust enough
People who care enough
Fully respond to my cries
Support me through the terrors
And gently pull me out afterwards.
Finally feeling love
Enables self-love to grow
Is a terrifying new experience
But the backup from my friends
Lends me enough strength
That no matter how much I slip backwards
Each day steps forwards can be made.
I shared this with a select few of my friends, those that have been of big assistance in the past year, to express gratitude in my own way. These words are like a photo or picture, conveying a snapshot of one moment’s relevance to my whole life. There is so much more, there always is, just as there is a world beyond the edges of a photograph. But taking it all in is overwhelming. So this little view tells a story, makes a few connections, and leaves the rest open for interpretation.
“When you have only felt able to truly rely on yourself, real friendship can seem strange.”
Touches of wetness
Light as a feather
Nose, leg, wrist
While drifting away
Human beings are bonding animals
We need to connect and love
Short phrases, simple words
Are bids for connection
“Come engage with me about this”
Constantly searching for a response
even momentarily, for
a sign of interest and support
Will you turn toward me
with kindness and generosity
Or will your thoughts turn away
with unaware hostility
and leave me more alone for trying?
The key to happiness
is in your hands
in your answers
As your words follow your intentions
so will love follow our actions
Where that leads is up to us both
And if our focuses diverge,
Then I grieve
For the loss, the death
“The opposite of addiction is human connection, It is disconnection that drives addiction “
Writing is my bid for connection
Likes are signs of interest,
recognition of me
Comments are engaging with me
Sharing thoughts on the posted theme
As I crave the connection my words propose
Yet as an incomplete person,
myself failing at bids and responses
Disconnections originate both here and there
A messy, beautiful journey
Finding what you like
What you are like.
Moving away from all the dislikes
Criticisms of self and others.
Training to disclose
The hidden desires
And obfuscated needs.
Who you want to be
Who you are now
Discovering and encouraging
All of you.
And you feel alone
Because this is your unique journey
But you remember that
You are never really alone.
So many are on this same course
So many have found their way
And others are about to start.
You see it, sense it, hear it
Paths cross with brief connections
But each link
Unlocks more of you.
There is so much more of you
So much to welcome and delight in
Open arms and warm heart
Will carry you on
Will complete you.
[ Thanks again to eledette for the words that inspired this ]
Having days for clear thought
even if they are “sleepy on the couch days”
has been good for me.
“Not worrying about everything but just being”
lets my unconscious mind unravel what is important to me
And some of that has become clear to me today.
My relationship with her does not matter
it is not something to expend my energy thinking or worrying about
It is not something that can be fixed or broken with a simple action
It is not something I am in a position to make decisions about
I am already on a journey of discovering myself
Small decisions made in the past already set this in motion
In the past year alone I have learnt a lot about who I am and what I want
I just needed to be clear-headed enough to see the progress.
I need to find more about what matters to me
and what exactly it is that I want.
I live for connection with others
I long for expressions of love
I am learning how to connect with and show love for myself.
These principles are core to my life.
It’s a start.
This is me.
(2 February 2015)
[ This Easter lily has flowered rather early in the back yard this year.]