I’m back. For a time, who knows how long. My creative energies have been wandering around and exploring Instagram for the past few months. But I feel the need to be back here now. Writing more. Less shiny, more gritty. Instagram will still be a regular hangout. I just want WordPress to be another regular hangout. Like the old days. Much has changed in my life. Much is being processed, still. Much is yet to solidify. And that is life, a journey. I’m feeling good about dropping by here again.
Looking for answers to My health issues. Trying to find anything that might resolve or improve this situation I find my body and mind struggling with.
Then my mental negativity kicked in and made some connections to my father.
I’ve turned 50 this year. I’ve been really struggling with my health for 3 to 4 months before that and again now afterwards (interrupted only by a 3 week holiday from my Wintery home to the tropics).
And I wondered what my Dad’s life was like at this age. He turned 50 a year after I left home, a year and a bit after Mum left with my siblings. So he would have felt his life was a complete mess, he would have been very angry and hurtful/hateful. I know that’s how he was in the little contact I had with him over the next few years. I know he had a new partner to help him out at home (he needed physical assistance with his own damaged body).
So he was nearly 49 when his family left him. They left because he drove them away. His brain damage and physical injuries from a motorbike accident just over 5 years prior left him in a terrible physical and mental state for which he received little support. But he became even more negatively reacting to his family, even more critical and eventually resorted to threatening and actuating physical violence against Mum who was only trying to look after 5 children.
48 (a few months short of 49) when his life crashed apart.
I finally left my marriage aged 48-and-a-bit. I walked away from another relationship aged 49-and-a-bit. I’ve turned 50 and one of the single most significant parts of my life, my job and livelihood, feels like it’s been a mess for more than the past year.
Is that coincidence, is that linked? Maybe it’s nothing and yet maybe it’s something I need to work out – somehow.
Working through this is a big hurt of realisation. It’s an exhausting trawl through dark murky emotions and scary possibilities. I want to find some brightness somewhere, I need to find some hope in all this. I need to know that somehow this will all work out for the better. I’m living off vapours and reserves now that won’t last much longer. I want to move forwards. I want to sort out work life and be excited for possibilities, instead of dreading the entanglements that I’m struggling to sort out.
I don’t know where to start or what to do. Tonight I am scared. But tomorrow I step forwards.
There are times I can see clearly
Specifically what I need to do
Have the motivation to act
The forwards plan in mind
Often these are the quiet times
When my nearby world is asleep
And all expectation has fallen away
Clarity, focus, simplicity
Then comes the morning
With its health complications
Confusions of position and ability
Managing myself prioritizes over the externalities
And life seems too confusing to manage.
(5 August 2018)
This lost feeling
I have no idea who I am anymore
Normal function seems impossible
And it has been impacting me for a year.
There have been stresses
Big, life-changing, emotional, relationship shifts
Thinking I was over the marriage break-up
But that grief and confusion seem to be stronger now more than ever.
And that other relationship
That was good and then not so good
Had to walk away from that one also
Now trying to process all the interpersonal confusion, all the self-blame, and damage that is caused by people who are hurting.
I’m the hurting one now
But I won’t let that effect my relationships
Feeling how much energy it takes to process all this
Left exhausted after physical health clashes with mental health.
I’m sure I used to have some idea
Of what I wanted, and particularly of who I was
All that is up in question
The old ways didn’t work, the new way isn’t new enough.
New ways of living are too much like the old ways
So discomfort creeps in
A wariness, a don’t-let-this-happen-again
Tries to break apart what is new and good for me.
Though the rest of my life feels in turmoil
I have a close relationship that is healthy
More sound than anything before in my entire life
The wonder of two spirits in synchronicity, joining together after crossing paths 29 years ago.
There are many things we do not understand
Why people cause pain
Some intentionally, some unknowingly
Why we choose to be brave at a particular time, and not before.
Unsettled life, unresolved personal conflict
Whether physical or mental, still the same results
We struggle not to completely fall apart
We struggle to survive, to be good, to create happiness
There is no better focus for the energy we have
If we could just thrive a little more than survive
If we could just have the energy, the health,
The freedom from pain to live a relatively normal life.
Is that too much to ask?
feels like nothing
Where is worthiness?
My own significance is invisible to me.
Other tells me what they see,
what they feel about me
And mostly it is meaningless
This dis-ease is a disease
The nothingness slowly eats away
at whatever was there before
I feel nothing now
except a hollow emptiness
That I attempt to describe
to exorcise it from my being
But the process is incomplete
It is an unearthing
I know its not right
Yet I don’t know how to deny
[ 18 June 2018 ]
Relationship grief is tricky
Mourning the loss of what was
Mourning the loss of what might have been
Grieving the pain that became
Coming to terms with your choices,
the decisions that put you there,
for better or for worse.
Responsibility is always shared
Outcomes are the result of reasons
Sometimes beyond our control.
Forgetting is not an option
You are today, because of yesterday
No matter what has been
you always have a choice of what comes next.
Hopefully, we integrate and grow
Our desire to be better,
no matter what was.
And when I can no longer manage
the hurt that still pulls me apart
I hold onto the one solid piece of me
The love that I still give, that still burns brightly.
Some days there is no trusting myself
Questioning the reasoning behind my behaviouring
Doubting the truth of my feelings of love
Thinking my relationship needs are met
Only after carefully crafted expression
Because someone in my past accused me of that
Even if that claimant was reacting to their own fears
And knowing that is not my intent
That I strive for truth and honesty
In all that I seek or do.
Yet I understand there is possibility
That my little cracked heart
Still has some healing to fully restore feeling
To a level of understanding and completeness
That not everyone manages to achieve
So I wonder if
Despite my best efforts
I do love as transparently as I hope
Do I reciprocate as honestly as I believe?
And the awareness of that questioning
The self digging and uncovering undertaken
Reassures me that I am doing the best I can
Within these moments certainty answers back
“You are doing well”.
Perhaps my higher self chose you.
Perhaps part of me saw a need that I could fulfill and for reasons chose to be there for you.
Perhaps I’ve been doing this with many relationships in my life so far.
Perhaps this is who I am.
Perhaps I will continue this behaviour, if it is who I genuinely am.
Perhaps I will change.
Perhaps my current energy aligned with yours and bonded together.
Perhaps you are able to fully reciprocate my energy, my needs.
Perhaps you are here, now, to help me heal – just as I am for you.
Perhaps this is one way that people connect.
Perhaps this is one way people have a mutually healthy relationship.
Perhaps this is why this US feels so comfortable, so easy.
Perhaps focusing on the positives we have for each other is a great way forwards.
Perhaps right now, I believe all this to be true.
Longing for belonging
Instead feeling outside
Without real reason; as
Intrusive fears drag me away
From all who I love
From all that I love
Feeling the pain of separation
Fearing something unreal
Lost in a negativity storm
Comfortably surrounded by
white noise and aloneness
Whilst my brain screams
for all the opposites
That I need and want.
is all that I desire.
Some days the struggle
seems too much
And some of those days
you push through that difficulty
And sometimes you manage
you function with productivity
Some days you find a light
Some days you feel hope
Some days you hear the voices
of every friend who supported you
Some days you ponder
the absence of positive mental health
and the struggles that hold you back
Some days the struggle
is too much
And some days pushing through
still results in no progress
And some days there is only
the heap of you unmoving
Some days are only darkness
Some days are hopelessness
Some days all you hear
is the criticism in your own mind
Some days you wish for
a single positive thought
and any way to move forwards
I saw the spot this morning, where Mr.Poppy’s litter tray always sat, where he would frequently be seen sitting, or cleaning. It’s now a place for a shopping basket and garden shoes.
I felt the pain of loss immediately, just as I feel it again writing this. The pain of loss and grief.
And thinking about Nigella’s future, about palliative care for her, exacerbates the experience.
Grief will pass.
Memories are important to keep alive.
I spent a lot of time with and around Nigella this morning. More thorough cleaning up than normal. I wanted to be around her space, wanted to connect with her as I’m not often around the house any more.
Connection heightens the thoughts of mortality and endings.
And while the pain hurts, it is a good thing to remember.
Pets as family.
The time you spend with them each day, loving, caring, and connecting. Particularly when the pet is a mammal, is an intelligent personality who seeks you out at times. It’s a very human thing, to care for animals, to seek solace in their company, and in their simple child-like understanding.
And so they are remembered, as they were our children. They were who we had together. They are reminders of happy times, of life together. They are meaning and love, as we were.
All things pass, in time.
Are the most precious memories, of those we cared for, of those we held as their life slipped away? For we carried them through their life, held them at the end, and cried together. We will soon cry together again, for one more time. Only once more.
May we always hold onto the joy that there was, the adventure, the fun and connection. This is all that makes us human.