Who Am I?

…these thoughts progressed from previous post Future Fear.

If my thoughts and feelings don’t define me
Who am I then?

Decades spent living within my head,
To not be caught up in that
To not be entangled by inner monologue
Is as foreign a concept as living on an alien planet
Who am I then?

Perhaps the question is irrelevant
Who will I be then?

Perhaps I will be able to find myself
Able to consider and explore options
Discover parts of myself that were cowering,
Fearful of the snarling future
Who will I be then?

I will be
Who I am now
Deep down inside
All that which makes me
All the humanness will survive
How will I be then?

I will let go of the confusion
And the distracting static
All of the sticky,
Brain path clogging,

I will find myself
In others
In my choices of relationship
In my clear thoughts
In the little decisions I make,
Every moment choosing,
Who I want to be.

[ image from Facebook, original source unknown ]

Now There is Nothing.

I stopped and looked at myself
On the inside
The space that no one else sees
A check-in
From a clear head
After blurry weeks of just surviving
And I saw a desert
Nothing but dry sand
All the way to the horizon
I blinked and looked again
Nothing but ocean
Treacherous depths
No wonder I feel lost
No joy, no love, no life

(28 August 2015)

Now Where?

You said things to me
But always I heard the actions
Your words cut
Then tried to draw me back
But pain and scars
Immobilised this wavering soul
And now I fall
Away from the lack of connection
Towards unknown but open space
Freedom and fear
Fuel nervous doubt
And longing
Keeps me upright
Instead of uptight
Vertical disengaging
My mind launches
A rescue mission for this body
I am listening again
Waiting to hear
My comforting voice
Awaiting acceptance

When There is no Self Acceptance.

I see myself clearly
Without a mirror
Wearing my criticism hat
And blue coloured glasses

The words come
(Nothing good)
Pounding away at
What is left of me

I have no answers
No defence
I just accept
And crumble


[ I suppose, I survived. But at what cost survival? This morning I couldn’t move myself. Tonight I couldn’t love myself. What will tomorrow be? Where will I end up in this struggle? ]

As I Think of This Day.

I don’t want to move
From this bed here, this shelter
If I just close my eyes
Can I just sleep through this day

Out there is the world 
That frustrates and upsets me
I push and I struggle
Just to get through each day

I have friends who embrace me
And joke alongside me
Include me in what
They arrange for some days

Yet depression still grabs me
Immobile I lay here
Unable to think
Or do much with this day

To closed eyes keep drifting
To dreams my head shifting
Too heavy my body
Will not move for today


[ if you can remind me of the poetic metre or pattern that I have used here, please speak up, as my memory and searching have not been fruitful today ]

Brain Interrupts.

Trying to work

You know,

Productivity that pays
 the bills

And I find myself haunted
 by creativity, 

The need to make

That idea
 that I didn’t stay up late to work on

I see it completed in my mind’s eye
( Like my vivid dreams )

Compelled to bring into existence

Hand crafted 
 artistic, poetic, meaningness

What is this powerful force?

My dreams of music 
 linger less

Because I doubt those abilities?

But so much I start

Becomes stalled 
 when interrupted by hidden illness
 invisible illness, exhaustion

Clashing personal needs

Meet personal responsibilities

Is there ever freedom?

So Tired.

Tired of hurting
Tired of pain
Tired of exhaustion
Tired of fogginess
Tired of (not) achieving
Tired of struggle
Tired of worrying
Tired of missing
Tired of loneliness
Tired of doubt
Tired of heartache
Tired of longing
Tired of expectations
Tired of sickness
Tired of pushing

So I took the day to myself
To rest, read, listen
Let my head clear
Let my body recover
To lend my mind
to nothing it normally considers
or to nothing at all
It’s not peaceful or pleasant
It’s just quiet, for now
And I hear the world outside
And for the first time in ages
I hear the sounds of life

Community. (Reblog)


Right here
Are people that understand
Realising past mistakes and changing
Is enough
You were never meant to suffer
The struggle is not deserved
It is just there for now
Hold on
We are patient

Originally posted on Sidereal Catalyst:

I am aching to belong… to something …or somewhere, with like-minded, like-hearted souls.

People who get it, without tired explanations and long-winded discussions trying to impart understanding.

People who lift you up because that’s their magic, and they don’t judge and they’re not made uncomfortable by your difficult emotions.

People who don’t make it feel like an inconvenience, they are delighted to chat, be it happy or sad in topic.  I think some people call these types of relationships friends but I’m wary of such titles.  I fear I’ve failed at holding that title myself, and thus karma has given me what I’ve deserved in return.

I ache for a sense of community.

Are you out there somewhere, community?  Just waiting for me to poke my head in and say hi…

I’ve lost my way, I think my GPS is wrong or something.



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