I’m back. For a time, who knows how long. My creative energies have been wandering around and exploring Instagram for the past few months. But I feel the need to be back here now. Writing more. Less shiny, more gritty. Instagram will still be a regular hangout. I just want WordPress to be another regular hangout. Like the old days. Much has changed in my life. Much is being processed, still. Much is yet to solidify. And that is life, a journey. I’m feeling good about dropping by here again.
Longing for belonging
Instead feeling outside
Without real reason; as
Intrusive fears drag me away
From all who I love
From all that I love
Feeling the pain of separation
Fearing something unreal
Lost in a negativity storm
Comfortably surrounded by
white noise and aloneness
Whilst my brain screams
for all the opposites
That I need and want.
is all that I desire.
Some days the struggle
seems too much
And some of those days
you push through that difficulty
And sometimes you manage
you function with productivity
Some days you find a light
Some days you feel hope
Some days you hear the voices
of every friend who supported you
Some days you ponder
the absence of positive mental health
and the struggles that hold you back
Some days the struggle
is too much
And some days pushing through
still results in no progress
And some days there is only
the heap of you unmoving
Some days are only darkness
Some days are hopelessness
Some days all you hear
is the criticism in your own mind
Some days you wish for
a single positive thought
and any way to move forwards
I saw the spot this morning, where Mr.Poppy’s litter tray always sat, where he would frequently be seen sitting, or cleaning. It’s now a place for a shopping basket and garden shoes.
I felt the pain of loss immediately, just as I feel it again writing this. The pain of loss and grief.
And thinking about Nigella’s future, about palliative care for her, exacerbates the experience.
Grief will pass.
Memories are important to keep alive.
I spent a lot of time with and around Nigella this morning. More thorough cleaning up than normal. I wanted to be around her space, wanted to connect with her as I’m not often around the house any more.
Connection heightens the thoughts of mortality and endings.
And while the pain hurts, it is a good thing to remember.
Pets as family.
The time you spend with them each day, loving, caring, and connecting. Particularly when the pet is a mammal, is an intelligent personality who seeks you out at times. It’s a very human thing, to care for animals, to seek solace in their company, and in their simple child-like understanding.
And so they are remembered, as they were our children. They were who we had together. They are reminders of happy times, of life together. They are meaning and love, as we were.
All things pass, in time.
Are the most precious memories, of those we cared for, of those we held as their life slipped away? For we carried them through their life, held them at the end, and cried together. We will soon cry together again, for one more time. Only once more.
May we always hold onto the joy that there was, the adventure, the fun and connection. This is all that makes us human.
The thing is, most of the time I have no idea what I’m doing.
There’s certainly no devious plotting.
There’s no following the path in front of me, because I have no idea where I am and no idea where I’m going.
Mostly I just try to get through the day with as little damage as possible.
Yes I take any opportunity to brighten someone else’s day, because I care about other people.
I know what it’s like to feel alone, unloved, and to feel like you are not worth any effort from yourself or from others.
There is a deep dark loathing black hole down there, and most days I just want to keep myself as far from its reach as possible.
Plenty of days I fail to manage that.
Eventually, I take one little step forwards each day, to build up momentum and keep moving forwards.
How much do I care about you? That depends on the day, but generally quite a lot. The love you share with me is absorbed, added to and reflected back. My creation of original love is scarce, because of the energy it requires, and because of the emotional process required.
The message sent to me
“You already possess
to become great.”
Yes indeed. Right now, right here, just as I am.
Then followed the thoughts of darkness.
And I saw that all is in balance. It needs to be.
The darkness is simply another energy that contrasts the light. It can be used in different ways. It must be understood differently.
And I see that harnessing and managing the darkness has been difficult for me in the past because I didn’t have the skill-set or the understanding.
These are tools and techniques that can be learnt – if we are brave enough to discuss them openly.
Difficulties arise within the pain that typically accompanies the darkness. The pain of unmet life expectations, or the pain of confusion and perceived loneliness. These brief memories spring forth for me right now. And there is no pain within these memories, within this moment. For my understanding of life, and of myself, lets gentle awareness be in charge.
This entire reveal comes with a quiet calm, of knowing that the choice is mine every step of the way. That every thought, action, every motivation and decision, can propel me forwards – into the light, and greatness.
Attracting the energy of the mood I’m in
Leads to confusion during disparate times
Between outright positive and subtly negative phases.
Feeling sorry for myself;
Links me to people who will feel sorry for me
And yet that is not what I really need.
Empathy and sympathy are part of care
There are other energies that benefit me more;
Positive understanding, with hope and optimism,
Will shift perspective to my benefit.
Munch munch munch. Feed the hungry body that craves something passing for sustenance. Shove the food in with purpose to satisfy desire. There is no pausing to appreciate the moment, nor to savour the experience, only a need to fill. A need to fill the body to pass off the soul as satisfied.
And it doesn’t. Hollowness and emptiness sit hand in hand during this indulgence laid bare through its lack of mindfulness.
There are lessons here. And I vaguely sense their outline. But I’m too tired to make any sense from them. Too tired of feeding this ever hungriness that sits within me.
The Ego is never satisfied. It only ever wants the attention, wants to win, wants to be the focus and the purpose. It wants and wants and wants.
So I will acknowledge that part of me for what it is. I will calmly turn my attention away from the brash forcefulness, towards the quiet part of me. The part that will accept all that I have, will accept all that there is around me and within me right now. The way that feeds my soul in a more lasting manner.
And I may sit here in the quiet for a while. But most likely I will just fall asleep and dream of days without confusion. Dream of straight forward days where clear communication begets an inner calm to all around me.
[ My diary tells me yesterday was the fifth anniversary of starting this blog. I’m unsure these days whether that date was when I setup and posted my first story/poem, or if it is the date of my first (backdated) entry. Either way, I glance back and see five years of change, of growth. I am forever greatful to my friend H.C. who encouraged me to start this, and to the incredibly creative community who have supported me the whole journey so far. ]
My desires feed a deep place inside
Not dark, for this shall be revealed with those who choose to ask, those who choose the closeness
Hunger grows and searches for equally matched desire
There is no boundary between physical and mental intimacy
I simply crave the deepest sharing and connection
And the decision to partake is valid only for the space the energy occupies
While relationships constantly change, acknowledgement and respect remain the vanguard of this new reality
My responsibility is to be better than we’ve ever been before
To set an example of the best a human can be
Deciding on true equality, true out-in-the-open honesty and integrity
This is to what I give my consent.
[ inspired by the words of Laurie Penny. ]
This disconnect I feel
Between body and mind
Between where I want to be and currently exist
This is neither fault, brokenness, nor mistake
This is today’s journey
Through whatever my health brings
Through whatever my body can manage
Through whatever my mind unearths
And at least my mind is temperable
I can shift my perspective
Choose how to think and how to feel.
Today my writing is non-specific
Today I steer clear of painful emotions
Choosing not to amplify them with attention
Right now I choose my path for today
Revelling in the opportunity to do so
Today clarity is my friend
Today all pain is fleeting
As I maintain this precious vessel
This body and mind.
[ 3 October 2017 ]
Feeling guilt over the validity of my pain
Comparing my childhood story with yours
Yet I know this is no competition
And we each bear our own challenges
We each learn in our own ways
Why does comparison even come into it?
How do we accept this and grow?
Wanting life to be right and just, does not make it so
All we can do is live our own integrity