Who Am I?

…these thoughts progressed from previous post Future Fear.

If my thoughts and feelings don’t define me
Who am I then?

Decades spent living within my head,
To not be caught up in that
To not be entangled by inner monologue
Is as foreign a concept as living on an alien planet
Who am I then?

Perhaps the question is irrelevant
Who will I be then?

Perhaps I will be able to find myself
Able to consider and explore options
Discover parts of myself that were cowering,
Fearful of the snarling future
Who will I be then?

I will be
Who I am now
Deep down inside
All that which makes me
All the humanness will survive
How will I be then?

I will let go of the confusion
And the distracting static
All of the sticky,
Brain path clogging,
Muddiness.

I will find myself
In others
In my choices of relationship
In my clear thoughts
In the little decisions I make,
Every moment choosing,
Who I want to be.

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[ image from Facebook, original source unknown ]

A Moment’s Hurt.

Standing in the doorway
Warm morning sun on my face
I close my eyes and just breathe
Take this moment to listen inside

Emotions of the last few days
All at once creep over me
And I just want to stop breathing
End all the struggle and pain

Still standing there
Confusion and shame
Unsettling the balance of me
I choose to breathe, to go on
I choose to find my way through this all,
No matter where it takes me

(27-28 April 2015)

Where it Stems From.

Am I blaming her for all this?
Maybe, but only a little more than I blame myself
and this is wholly about the two of us
Mostly I am just reacting to how I am treated
How she doesn’t take ownership
And deflects back my critical comments
How she undermines me with her words and actions
And doesn’t show attempts to understand me
Only reacts to me
Withdraws behind her fear from my suggestions
Prioritizes from her fears over me/us
Unaware of the negative façade she presents to me.
From 21 years of observation
I have an inkling of what’s going on
Underneath it all
But she won’t acknowledge it’s impact on me/us
Its too much negativity from her, with me/us
For me to manage,
without mutual effort
For me to handle
on my own.
And if I’m wrong about all this
The alternatives are uncaring,
inconsiderate, deceptive, selfish
And I choose not to believe that.

Nothing. 

I lay in bed

Spending hours trying to rise

Alternating between motivation

And unsettled sleep again

My head weighed with lead (Pb)

Exhausted from all that I carry

This heartache and hurt

Feels too heavy a burden

For this light physical frame

This sensitive mind and heart

that apparently cares too much

I feel sick and want to cry 

Cry at my helplessness 

My seeming inability to be strong for myself

And my incapacitation 

That breeds failure feelings. 


I will not dwell on negativity

But when I can barely move

Barely keep my eyes open

The positive reinforcements

of daily achievements, missing

Then everyday movements of others 

Become the most difficult part of my day

Insufficient energy to scream

Silence completes my prison

Solitary confinement

Sensory isolation

Beaten and battered, there is nothing left

Of me, or for me

There is, Nothing. 

Alone in Pain.

No one understands me
No one gets what I’m trying to communicate during a struggle day
It frustrates and angers me
Pushes me to feel more alone than before

And why would they?
No one has the same experiences as or thinks like me
And I don’t know what else is going on in their head at this time
If they don’t respond appropriately to what I am communicating
Then maybe I haven’t articulated myself as well as I think

It’s easy to use broad statements
“I want to end it all”
“I can’t bear this pain any longer”
It’s much harder to find the mediated, sensible thoughts
That still convey what is happening within me
That have the most chance of others understanding
That convey the depth and breadth of my struggle

.

[ while I was writing this I came across the words below from last year, which directly connected with the now ]

Some days I want nothing more
than to be
understood

To know I’m not alone
in my pain

(30 June 2014)

One Relationship for Two.

Today I realised

How much I know about her

And just how little I know about her

What she shares about herself

And just what she never lets out


Twenty one years on

And today it hits me

How much I have tried to know her

And just how little she has ever revealed

How much she hides herself away


Today I realised

A relationship is about growing together

Giving into and taking hold of each other intimately

Not just holding hands and talking

But losing yourselves in each other

Just the way that hasn’t happened

Twenty one years on

 
.

 
[ those of you with long-term relationship experience, what are your thoughts on the depth of a relationship? ]

Depression Creep.

How dare you
Invade my precious dream space
Where I am hero, adventurer, and creator
Where my music comes to life
Where I am a bicycle acrobat
Where my fantasies are fulfilled
Where I am director and stuntman of my own theatre
Where my fears are cleverly revealed
Where I can’t escape the chasing demons
Where my past and future come to life
Where I indulge, love, and explore
Where my pains are recognised
Where I remember the yet to come
Where my return is welcome
The compressing nothingness of depression
Crushing me in a dream was a bit much
Containing me within darkness
Immobilising and silencing me
But letting me see my story destroyed
Cruel and violating
You will stay away
You may taunt me during the day
But you will leave alone my recovery time
You will not trespass any more
I will not allow it.

.

[ In a way that’s never happened before, Depression invaded my early morning dreams. So powerfully, that when I awoke it took quite some time to drag together the energy & motivation to get out of bed and left me drained for the whole day. ]

A Song Waiting For Music.

Stumbling blindly
Trying to find my way
In this one chance life
Time is running away

Some days I run free
Brightness around me
Some days the chains
Strangle and choke me

And I cry, For a better life
Than the one I have
But it’s all there is
It’s my only chance

Don’t know how I get by
These dark days, I survive
When they tear me apart
I don’t want to be alive

Let me lay down here
Exhausted, no one is near
I will close my eyes
Earth, come take me back

And I cry, For a better life
Than I ever felt I have
Wishing won’t change what is
Now’s my only chance

Won’t a storm come take me
Batter away and pound me
Cleansing salt water scrubbing sand
Dump me in a fresh land

And I cry, for a better self
Than the one I’ve been
But I’m all there is
This is my only opportunity
I’m the only me

.

[ I wrote this in the early hours of this morning, undominant hand pecking away at my phone keyboard, back in bed after feeding the rabbits, before falling asleep again. This is what happens when I am unable to write for a week, suddenly it all pours out and I am flooded with words. It’s maybe a little rough to be put to music, but the words came out as a song in my head while they were being written. Tell me what you think, is it singable? ]

There, I Said It.

I am holding in so many feelings
Not willing to acknowledge some
Believing that there is a wrongness
Supposing that remaining unnamed
They will not exist
And yet they do.
I am out of love
I am better off without her around me
I cannot see her meeting my needs
I cannot see a future of life
only a future of my death in our relationship
She is not adventurous like me
She doesn’t understand passion like I do
She wants me to be happy
but can’t do what I require for that to be so
And all I can think about
is how hurt she will be
Even though it has been discussed
and she wants what is best for me
And all I can think about
is how difficult life might be
If we do
and if we don’t
Either way there will be pain
Pain that I still want to avoid
If possible.
But the possible has rarely ever materialised
All the hopes and changes and compromise
Never enough mutual growth
Never bearing enough fruit
We ended up taking different paths with our lives
We have ended up more apart than together
We are still joined
but I am forever held back by the chains
Stifled and restrained
When I need to burst out
and find my own way
While not entirely sure what I’m looking for
I acknowledge that I need to communicate
and express my feelings
I need to say that at the moment
I need something new
I need to leave behind what drags me down
And I need people around me
who lift me up

The End of the World as You Know It.

and just when it seems like
your whole world will fall apart
everything you hoped for
longed for and cried for
might just stop being real
when you doubt you can survive
with nothing to stay alive for
let go
let yourself fly away
in the wake of the explosion
or float away
in the silence of the sudden calm
release all the knots
let go the anchors of expectation
and submit yourself
to the will of the universe
let it guide you
where you need to be
where you will find yourself
in the most amazing way possible

I wish you well