…these thoughts progressed from previous post Future Fear.
If my thoughts and feelings don’t define me
Who am I then?
Decades spent living within my head,
To not be caught up in that
To not be entangled by inner monologue
Is as foreign a concept as living on an alien planet
Who am I then?
Perhaps the question is irrelevant
Who will I be then?
Perhaps I will be able to find myself
Able to consider and explore options
Discover parts of myself that were cowering,
Fearful of the snarling future
Who will I be then?
I will be
Who I am now
Deep down inside
All that which makes me
All the humanness will survive
How will I be then?
I will let go of the confusion
And the distracting static
All of the sticky,
Brain path clogging,
I will find myself
In my choices of relationship
In my clear thoughts
In the little decisions I make,
Every moment choosing,
Who I want to be.
[ image from Facebook, original source unknown ]
Answers come slowly, one at
As I step forwards through
Motivation and enthusiasm for work is
My inner critic says that I am a failure at
While I’ve been told this is
While I’ve been explained
Rational thought is no support at
Relying on the invisible, on
Standing back, to get a clearer picture of what is going on
Not yet ready to step away from it completely
Wanting to understand this territory of pain
And does that matter, does any of this really matter?
Does any of this questioning and searching serve me any more?
I notice the struggle to let go of this moment
What am I hanging onto?
Is this just fear of change, or something much more?
The current advisory is to just be with it all
Paying no mind to what can or cannot be managed on any given day
Being at ease with just needing to rest, or to just feel
Which sits very uncomfortably with me
With my need to feel productive, to feel active
Ponderous times that I must journey through
Before being able to step into the productive day
Is this moment in time the journey’s end or a fresh start?
If I stop fighting (this war inside my head)
Does that mean I give up, or give in?
If I stop pushing and resisting the lies
What does that reality look like?
If I stop the active struggle, the result
Curling up in bed, withdrawing in fear
Unable to face the world through exhaustion
And inability to concentrate or function
Replacing one undesirable situation
A friend keeps mentioning acceptance
This word keeps crossing my consciousness
Imagining it might just work, I hesitate
So tired to find the energy for any action.
As a tear trickles down my left cheek
I contemplate my present, for my future.
I just want future me to be happier
To not be engulfed by pain
Physical and mental
It’s too late for present me
All has led to this current experience
Lost in the shroud of darkness.
Questioning in my head
From my heart
Who am I?
Stepping back from the path
I re-survey my vicinity
Much confusing pain around here
And many treasures
Seeing where the light has shone on me
And the rough patches of stumbling.
Perhaps it is true
The life of a writer is all this
It cannot be any other way
Embrace all that inspires and drives you
Blatantly and silently.
There is a balance within
To travel this path
With Zen flow
Accepting it all
Letting oneself be moulded
Whilst standing in higher consciousness.
With that visualisation before me
My heart cries over lack of faith
Lack of patience.
Then, as I breath
The voice comes to me
This is it. Right now
The moment for you to rise
And just let it all happen
Place the intention in your heart
It’s all about attitude.
I write to get the questions out of my head.
Do my answers serve me well?
Thinking about myself
Attempting to resolve the pain
That strikes my heart again and again
My reactions to certain circumstances
Are visible and understandable.
Why can’t I leave this behind me
Move out of the cloud of hurt
Move on to a higher level of being.
Stuck in a circular rut
I stumble at the same bumps every time
Keeps hurting the same wound
No chance to heal what I feel.
To stop fighting this
To stop feeling the pain
Is to deny the very heart of me.
To compromise would be
To forever live with regret
Merely shifting one pain to another.
And while I don’t fully understand
The reasons for these circumstances
I blame myself
Too much most likely
Bearing the sole weight of responsibility
For the unhappiness I see.
And I know that is unfair
But I know not any other way
To exist in its midst.
So when my energy runs low
And negative self assessment flourishes
I feel helpless to help myself
Having tried all I am equipped with
Having stayed ahead of the cloud of hopelessness
I stumble and am shrouded in its darkness
I feel it’s freezing fear seep into me
And all goes dark.
It’s been a busy week with lack of sleep and some emotional realisations, and I am thankful for:
- Positive energy and self belief to propel myself through each day at a time.
- A senior pet rabbit (Mr.Poppy) who takes his arthritis medication every time even though it tastes unpleasant. I put the pieces of tablet inside a dried sultana and give him his fresh vegetables straight after. He is adapting so well to old age.
- A cheeky pet rabbit (Nigella) who despite being unable to spend close time with her housemate, will come to me for attention and settle down, eyes closed, enjoying the moment. It works both ways.
- Access to fresh, quality vegetables, eggs and fish. Most of it produced locally or interstate. Much of it organic. I don’t have to worry about the chemicals that are used in food production in nearby countries and then cheaply imported.
- Good friends within my social groups, who are always ready for a good chat and are receptive when I need to honestly express myself. Good friends who bring laughter and fun into my social life when I have difficulty finding that within.
- Emotional breathing space, that let me find again some lost inner truth, that let me see important messages clearly, that gives me hope whatever the outcome.
- Online/overseas friends (Hi Abbie) with who I can share my deepest pain and confusion and receive understanding and love in return.
- Creatively brainstorming and collaborating with similar creative people (Hi again Abbie) that challenges my routine and comfort zone and ultimately leaves me feeling more fulfilled.
- A flexible work environment that lets me have slow, late mornings, and take time to sit and write as the need arises.
- Local friends who I trust and believe, who encourage me when I need to hear it, and who tell me I am loved and valued when I need to hear it.
I am thankful for the opportunity to realise gratitude in my life.
What are you thankful today?
Doubt within my heart
Swells with the questioning of myself
Questions that spark from
Emotional Relational turmoil
No-one else expresses them
So why do I create them?
[ thanks to @mandy.steward for the question prompt that sparked this and @quietnoticing for the background image ]
It doesn’t matter what I achieve compared to others
It doesn’t matter the person I am, or am not, compared to others
What matters is the effort I make to always move forwards in love
What matters is my truth, deep within me – my honest loving heart
What matters is that I work to make the world a better place for everyone I have contact with
Caring for myself is not selfish, it is the priority, so that I have energy to share with the world
At times there may be a fine line between strength and exhaustion – everyone experiences this at times.
Then you must choose how much to turn in and how much to share out.
This is recharge time. Make it that and only that.
Take the time to nurture yourself in all the ways you know how.
This is the quiet way forwards when you feel like stopping. Some days momentum is the gentlest breeze past your ear, and other days momentum is swirling along with rushing water.
Take them all for what they are, different energies for different days.
And for now, take comfort in these truths.
Find your energy level and move with it.
(21 July 2016)
It’s time to tell the truth
I’ve been lying for so long
Making up excuses
Believing hurtful words.
It’s time to hear the truth
Deep within my soul
That others have echoed
That will make me whole.
I am enough
I am already all that I need
Love maintains the fire in my core
Love surrounds me
Friends surround me with their love
as they appreciate the person I am.
There is no emptiness here
(20 July 2016)
And then I’m reminded “you are love, you are all that you need”. And as I contemplate these words, gentle answers come:
Maybe you don’t have the words for yourself today. But you have trust. You have hope. You have love. All these are already inside you, they ARE you. Be content in the knowledge that what you need is already available to you.
And with these words, I see that I have the answers. They just weren’t the answers I was expecting.
(20 July 2016)
Just a reminder
in case you have forgotten…
You are brave.
You are loved.
You are valued.
You are enough.
You are worthy.
You are seen…
& you have Never been forgotten.
This world can be ugly.
This life can be hard.
But always and forever…
there is Hope.
& you are never alone.
Keep holding on.
(19 July 2016)
Words from @oncomingalive