Who Am I?

…these thoughts progressed from previous post Future Fear.

If my thoughts and feelings don’t define me
Who am I then?

Decades spent living within my head,
To not be caught up in that
To not be entangled by inner monologue
Is as foreign a concept as living on an alien planet
Who am I then?

Perhaps the question is irrelevant
Who will I be then?

Perhaps I will be able to find myself
Able to consider and explore options
Discover parts of myself that were cowering,
Fearful of the snarling future
Who will I be then?

I will be
Who I am now
Deep down inside
All that which makes me
All the humanness will survive
How will I be then?

I will let go of the confusion
And the distracting static
All of the sticky,
Brain path clogging,
Muddiness.

I will find myself
In others
In my choices of relationship
In my clear thoughts
In the little decisions I make,
Every moment choosing,
Who I want to be.

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[ image from Facebook, original source unknown ]

Neither Pride Nor Joy.

  
Sunday was survived. And anyone I choose to discuss this with would no doubt congratulate me, with understanding that to do so is not a failure in any way.

But I hold no pride, nor joy. Even though my focus for the day was solely on caring for myself, the pain of the struggle has taken it’s toll.

I feel wrecked from the push and pull of feelings. Exhausted, from the effort required to maintain a functional human form today. Lost, from the lack of any spiritual connection. And forgotten, from the missing physical contact that comes with closing myself away.

I don’t wish to isolate myself. Keeping in touch with others just consumes more energy than I feel capable of handling. While the influence of depression leads to numerous scenarios, real and imagined, that drag my emotions in disparate directions.

And it’s all shrouded in fear. Wondering if I won’t be able to function tomorrow, because I don’t just bounce back. Concern over the lasting impact the physical and emotional tolls take.

I’m tired of dealing with the crashed feelings. I don’t want to stay down there. The further struggle to pull myself back up is also draining. It creates more feelings of loneliness and exhaustion.

Mostly, I choose not to burden others with this. Because when they don’t understand and don’t know what to say, or how to respond to me, it breaks my heart that little bit more each time.

So many days, I sit here between hopelessness and helplessness. Afraid to move, afraid to aggravate one or the other. Feeling stuck; silent but conspicuous.

Survival is not my choice. It simply must be, no matter how I feel. And so, I mostly feel, little pride, little joy.

Once Again…

The only thing that gets me through the pounding lies in my head
Is distilling all these feelings into words
Creating something, that is significant to me
Even when no other person seems to comprehend its value.

And I long to connect with someone
To feel less alone, to feel that someone else understands
To feel less crazy, less damaged, less broken
I long to hear words that remind me I am real and that I matter.

I Feel Forgotten.

  
I feel forgotten.
When I don’t know who to talk to about my fears
When I isolate myself from everyone who could help me,
Because I don’t even want to be with myself
When I know my brain is lying but I can’t see past those thoughts.
Everything I normally do for myself,
Everything I enjoy, has lost interest to me.
It’s not just feeling alone,
It’s feeling left behind while others get on with their lives.
Lies, Lies, Lies,
Fill my head,
Fill my heart with dread,
And I can’t seem to control the flow of those thoughts
I fear being anonymous, I fear being forgotten
Because I know that will not end well for me.
I fear the waste of my humanity
I know there is so much more I can do
And I fear never being able to manage any of it.
My own expectations on myself are strong
While a harsh voice inside me says
“You can do better than this”
“Stop wasting your time and be productive”
“Get on with those things you need to get done”
And I wonder how anyone can do anything
When they just feel so much all at once
A flood of conflicting emotions drowns out the very essence of who you are
A hollow shell left, echoing the cold emptiness of your mind
My worst fears have come true
As I forget my very self.

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More Than I Can Manage.

Reaching for clarity and release
As my mind has turned on me, repeating:
“I am only worth my achievements”
“This body breaks down and fails me”
Continued pain and difficulty is too much
Wanting to shut off and shut down
Permanently.

And I really do my best
To guide myself through this
To make a positive difference
While drowning in negativity
Yet it seems an impossible task
When every action is not enough
Pointless rationalising of my irrational mind
The more I try, the less I achieve,
Then sink further into helplessness
Shrouded with frustration and guilt.

Others have choice,
Control over their thoughts
While today I sit by helpless
As my brain pounds me to the ground
Today I sit, exhausted,
From trying to be,
Something stronger than I feel,
Something more than I can manage.

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Leading The Way.

Choosing a positive approach to the day
Makes a difference, even now, Half an hour away
As words of encouragement, and courage
Fly in from the other side of the earth
While, the frightened cry inside is heard again
Ashamed of yesterday’s failures and pain
Tipping the balance from one side to other
Refocus and push on, lest emotions take over
Again. Some days I have this control at heart
Some days seem doomed from the start
Little choices direct each moment along
Today I focus and pretend to be strong

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Some Days, Some Hope.

I’m so weary
I just want to close my eyes and sleep
To wake up to a different time,
A different place,
Where all these worries have passed
Where I can start afresh and choose my own way
Instead of reacting and intervening in a messy existence
Many days, that is my only hope.

Tug-Of-War.

  
As the tug-of-war flares up inside me
I feel both, the forwards momentum, and
The screaming fear pulling me back
“That way hurts”; “That way is unknown, scary”
And many other words, whispered so secretly I can’t quite make them out
Being so exhausted, it’s too easy to let go and be pulled back
When did I last win this game anyway?
The joy and energy of victory are long forgotten.
Yet others join in on my side, grab the rope and pull for a while
Close friends, online friends, strangers,
Who all have my best interests at heart
Others who believe in me
While I try so hard to feel their faith,
To feed off the encouragement they give
And for the strangest time, I feel so little.

Interrobang.

  
This life
This ONE life
Just how precious is it?
Like so many others
I’ve spent time, both
frittering it away
and worshipping it
Reacting to it
Fighting it
Asking myself
“Is this it ‽”.
And eventually,
hearing the distant voice
of my body crying out
NOT THIS.
Exhausted and overwrought
Depression territory.
But there is something about
looking at it all
Through loving eyes, and
Surrendering to it all.
Being the most real
The most honest to yourself
and To the universe
Because:
Surrender is expression not suppression

(15 April 2016)

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[ When I open up to another person, get vulnerable and reveal more of the inner me – and they reject me – it doesn’t mean I am rejectable or unloved. It only means that they were uncomfortable with something they felt inside, stirred up by what I expressed.]