No Regrets.

Sometimes, I overview what I am writing
step back and get a sense of where I am
and don’t like what I see. Mostly struggle,
pain, negativity.  But I make no apologies
There’s no ill will towards self.  Because I
know this is part of the journey. This isn’t
who I am,  this is where I am.  I acknowl-
edge the hurt, difficulty, & darkness of life
currently, just as I acknowledge the times
of lightness and joy. Knowing that it won’t
always be this way,  keeps me grounded
in the now despite the turbulent storm.

Who Am I?

…these thoughts progressed from previous post Future Fear.

If my thoughts and feelings don’t define me
Who am I then?

Decades spent living within my head,
To not be caught up in that
To not be entangled by inner monologue
Is as foreign a concept as living on an alien planet
Who am I then?

Perhaps the question is irrelevant
Who will I be then?

Perhaps I will be able to find myself
Able to consider and explore options
Discover parts of myself that were cowering,
Fearful of the snarling future
Who will I be then?

I will be
Who I am now
Deep down inside
All that which makes me
All the humanness will survive
How will I be then?

I will let go of the confusion
And the distracting static
All of the sticky,
Brain path clogging,
Muddiness.

I will find myself
In others
In my choices of relationship
In my clear thoughts
In the little decisions I make,
Every moment choosing,
Who I want to be.

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[ image from Facebook, original source unknown ]

Revealing Feelings.

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[ poetry inspired by this photo from Kylie Parks ]

.

Be sad
Be happy
Be however you feel
Forget the masks that you are compelled to wear
Be who you are at the moment
Honest and open
Let others ask
Let them know and really respond
Let us all be a little more honest
With ourselves
and each other

Harsh But True.

Over forty years being a pathetic demanding personality. Always looking for what I could get out of a relationship. Never fully understanding true friendship.
Missing out on true relationships.
Never fully being myself, afraid to reveal or be myself, afraid of being rejected. Always fear.
Preaching love above fear, but not living those words fully.

.

[ A particularly harsh assessment of myself, born of the pain and hurt of the past week. But it contains truth. And the truth guides me to where I want to go now, as I work towards a better place in life ]

Painful Self Realisation.

What does it mean?
This hole in my heart
this emptiness
this loneliness
that demotivates
melancholies me.
Part of me grieves
for the missing
human connection
I crave
and grieves for
my dependance
on others.
Wondering how
to find in myself
a love
that has been missing
my whole life.
I grieve for
four decades
of lovelessness
of struggle
Unconsciously questioning
“why don’t you love me”
and never really
loving myself.
Now I’m so weary
exhausted from
the eternal struggle
for acceptance
so tired.

===

Now I fully understand
The truth is clear in front of me
Before there was a knowing
Now the realisation hits home
I will never be happy
I will never be content
I will never reach my potential
While I rely on others
For the love that I need
While my core belief remains
That I am unlovable
And I need love from others
To feel worthy.
It seems too big to overcome
I blame myself only
As I cry inside
Feel hopeless and useless
As I fail at life.

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Honestly. 

My anger was directed at myself

Because I thought it was unfair to direct it at someone else

Didn’t want to keep count of what wasn’t working

But neither was I keeping count of what was working

So my blinkered view contributed greatly to the darkness

So now I need to be clear in my mind

She never learnt how to show me love and understanding, despite my suggestions

I never learnt how to fully give her love, because she couldn’t tell me what she needed, and I would get caught up in her neglect of me

Full communication was always lacking 

The deep and varied discussions that a relationship needs were mostly one-sided, me-sided

And that is from where my hurt stems. Her inability to share with me, about what really mattered, about what I needed to discuss.

(20 May 2015)


Confusion in Threes.

I don’t know discern recognise
What’s normal typical regular
Everything I see read hear
About from regarding others
Mainstream esoteric or public
Is foreign strange alien to me
I want inclusion involvement recognition
With others friends acquaintances
But the more I notice consider observe
The more separate isolated removed
I feel sense believe

(19 May 2015)

Marks. (Duet)

It’s not that I didn’t try
It’s just
That there’s nothing in my house
Sharp enough to leave
A mark

Leave a mark somewhere else
then, leave a mark
on my heart, as
a reminder
that we are both real

But the hurt isn’t the same
and I can’t control
the pounding in my head
silencing your voice
your rationality

My heart bleeds
already, marked by your pain
listen to my screams
inject them into your veins
antidote to your poison

You’re holding my head
above the rising water
and I’m clinging to you
in wild desperation
sending my thanks
with each struggling breath

Don’t struggle
I will take the heat, the hurt,
the pressure, the weight
let it all go
so you will float to safety
I can breathe underwater

.

[ This duet started as my response to “Mark” by the very talented groundlingsup and grew from there. Please check out her amazing poetry as well. ]

Feelings Crumble. 

I want to be understood, loved, I want to feel the comfort and security of someone else’s arms. What does it take for someone else to understand my pain? Shall I open up my own flesh, and pour out blood, so human, so real, is that enough? Shall I crash a vehicle, create a visible physical wreck, a car and I one and the same, will that message get through? No one knows me enough to care. No one cares for me enough to know.  

.

[ so exhausted, despite rest, leads my brain into darker territory. But it also reveals how I do feel deep down. Core Belief territory. ]