Remembering Completeness.

I remember

Pain and fun and all the experiences I had growing to where I am now. And remembering can be overwhelming, because of the emotion it brings. Especially the sad emotions, the hurt, the moments that led me to questioning myself until I curled up into a ball and burned with tears because I felt so small and insignificant and lost. I don’t feel like I’ve learnt how to move beyond that, I just know that it happens less often. The emotions don’t overwhelm very often. But I am troubled by the unsettling hurt constantly bubbling beneath the surface of my consciousness. An uneasiness that disturbs my calmness. I don’t want to deny it. But when I try to accept what it is, the pain is confusing in its powerful pull over me. I remember this can’t be ignored. I remember there are people who care about me. I remember to make whatever positive effort feels manageable at these times. I remember that doing a little of something is 100% more effective than doing nothing. I choose to action over my memories. I choose to allow remembering to be what it is. I remember that there is a better place for my spirit to exist. I remember to love myself first with a gentleness and acceptance. I remember my calm, loving self. I remember my completeness.

Disrupted & Recovered.

Sometimes the sadness comes and I feel overwhelmed. Wanting to focus on positives, wanting to feel the desire to work in the office. Nothing but a rushing undercurrent of sadness that sweeps support out from under me, and I’m left floundering amidst the turbulence.

Perchance I come across a four minute Tibetan bowl meditation, which leads to a Tibetan Healing soundtrack that begins to clear the negative energy around me. Tired from the experience, I want to jump into work lest I fall asleep in recovery. But energy levels aren’t high enough yet, motivation hasn’t raised yet. Feels like emotional purgatory. Suspended between what was and what could be. Transition space.

Focussing in to myself, I listening for what is raising up behind the internal commotion. It is difficult to hear what I do not understand. Searching for an inner truth.

So I pause within this moment. Writing words to tease out meaning. Hoping for the unknown to reveal itself within the placement of letters and spaces projected from my brain.

Sometimes the inner space communicates this way. Sometimes I am left wondering what is happening at these times. Is my brain simply responding to an unusual combination of body chemicals, hormones, nervous system signals, and perceived stimulus? Is there a greater spiritual understanding? Are there soul energies interacting beyond our general perception?

In the end, the music carries me further forwards than my cognitive or emotional understandings can. The gentle flow of chord progressions moves my mind, my awareness, to a new place. A safe place of positivity. A place of hope.

Memory. Memories.

Feeling that I’ve forgotten so much

Because I can remember so little

of the details from years past

from apparently significant years

that others recall.

And I don’t know why that is

My mind supposes and questions

Trauma, pain, wanting to forget?

Or do I as an emotional person

focus memories on emotions

feelings and experiences

that I feel strongly?

Why the difference – or

have I been focussed on differences

rather than embracing variety?

Difference was pressed upon me

as a child. Therefore wanting

to be the same became a focus

Problematic relationships enhanced

my perceptions of separateness

Self-perpetuating experiences

within and without

Preceded by the complexities of

mental illness

brain chemistry imbalance.

And right there again

Difference

Compared to most others.

Remembering enough to know

that feeling different

for most of my life

Leaves a mark this is difficult to

remove

Why would I want to do that?

Why deny who I am for the sake of

others?

And then through many experiences

finding myself,

learning, by facing up to the pain

by braving new experiences

instead of repeating old patterns

Pushing past subconscious influences

Deciding and choosing for myself

what benefits me

Not what I wanted others to feel

Letting go of the old memories

Choosing to focus

on new memorable experiences.

Now, for the first time I can remember

Feeling less separated

Finding a kindred spirit with whom

everything is normal, accepted, loved.

And remembering a little more

Being able to recall without pain

Brings a union to the everyday.

I remember sharing more than before

I remember to be myself with others

Remembering bravery, love

and compassion.

Remembering to care for myself

as I care for those closest to me.

Remembering to love within as without.

Time to Feel.

There is time to feel
what comes forth in the day
Uncomfortable emotions
sadness and tiring extremes
Let them be
Let them flow along like a river
Be there for yourself
Be the understanding and compassionate
caring supporter that you need
in these moments
It is all okay
Feeling, is being more human
more real and more alive
After pains and distractions
you can discover real joy
Real freedom, real calm
Real life is out there
And it comes from inside you.

.

[20 May 2021]

Monday in Six parts.

The world leans to the left
Off-balance, I feel like falling
Yet to my right an invisible anchor
On this chair
Balancing my body in space
Pressured by unknown forces
Closed eyes bring more confusion
Sitting still, is swaying
Not moving, is swirling around.

Then voices call my name
From another place
that is neither here nor now.

Stimulate the senses with movement,
with coffee
Letting the experience be
Trying to let it go, like double-sided glue tape.

Sunshine therapy with physical stillness
Lets the head pain become apparent
Tilt my head towards the sun
Release my body, let muscles relax
Feel the breeze tugging at my clothes,
Fabric protects me from the chill
Then clouds part and the sun beams full Autumn strength onto my hand and face
The glorious warm glow from a fire 150 million kilometres away
Soaking into my skin
Heat circulating under my clothes
As I sit facing North East.

Body tremors
as it processes unpleasant irritants
Myriad internal battles
unbeknownst to my consciousness
as it attempts to make sense of this day
As I search for a stability of being
As feelings and emotions mix the physical and ephemeral worlds.

Writing with shaking hands
Squinting through sunshine
The world connects with me
as I attempt to ground myself with it
Birdsong becomes apparent above the background traffic noise
As hearing connects with nature
As nature connects with me
As I sense the grass nearby
The plants and life active within
the thinnest surface layer of the earth
My own roots reach deeper
Searching for gravity, solidity, molten metal flowing deep towards the centre of this living ball of amazing
that shelters us from the great nothingness out there
The all-ness that we are
The great connection between every living cell, every individual and sentience that we share air and energy with
Every spirit and soul past and present exists right now, right here, with us
When you remember, their existence continues,
their influence continues,
their significance and meaning carries you and I along
As we need support, so it is there
As we need reminders, so they talk to us in ways that may not be apparent right now.
We all are
We are what was and what we choose to be
Be this with your loved ones
Be this with acquaintances and strangers
Be who you need to be, and
Be all that you can.

.

[3 May 2021]

Seeking Comfort.

Feeling uncomfortable. The heat making it difficult for me to settle down to sleep. Anxiety rises. Feeling uncomfortable. Break the cycle, change the temperature. Close up the house and turn on the air conditioner. Feel guilty for needing to do that tonight for a matter of two degrees Celsius. But it’s my comfort threshold. Over 27°C air temperature and my body gets very uncomfortable. There’s that word again. Fan air movement is not enough to compensate for the heat trapped by my body against the bed mattress. I really don’t like feeling uncomfortable.

I remember feeling uncomfortable so often as a child. Unsure of school classrooms, being a quieter child, not speaking up, finding difficulty to make friends, feeling different – feeling uncomfortable. Feeling uncomfortable being teased for being smarter and less socially enabled. Feeling uncomfortable in the classroom with year-round allergies, runny nose, sore eyes, sensitive skin, twitchy muscles. Feeling uncomfortable go to an specialist and being conscious while they scrape an ulcer off my eye. Feeling uncomfortable with a sensitive eye and needing to wear sunglasses in primary school. Feeling uncomfortable with bullies and peers behaving in ways I didn’t understand.

I remember feeling uncomfortable and being self-conscious around most other people. Later, feeling uncomfortable about my mental state, anxiety and depression, unable to calm racing thoughts. Feeling uncomfortable about asking for assistance. Feeling uncomfortable about doing my self-improvement work. Feeling uncomfortable about taking medication. Feeling uncomfortable about the physical side effects.

Feeling uncomfortable in a relationship that wasn’t as supportive as I needed. Feeling uncomfortable talking to a partner who wouldn’t enter emotional territory. Feeling uncomfortable persisting with a relationship that was growing apart. Feeling uncomfortable about ending the relationship. Persisting. Feeling uncomfortable. Finally realising the uncomfortableness of staying was worse than the possible uncomfortableness of leaving.

I’ve always sought comfort. To feel safe, and loved. To distract me from the physical and mental unpleasantness that was being alive. Never receiving the guidance to navigate difficult conditions. Never having someone understand me enough to offer the support I needed. Rarely feeling comfortable in myself.

Until I took control of my life. Went out and made happen what I desired. Found the people I wanted, who turned out to be the friends I needed.

And still at times, I default to seeking comfort. When I’m unsure, worried, not thinking clearly. Do I seek comfort for peace? Is my discomfort a result of self-care lacking? Sometimes you move way past your normal comfort requirements and make new discoveries. Sometimes other needs surpass the desire for comfort.

Is comfort more a state of mind? Is it achievable more often and far more simply than I realise?

There is comfort in writing – in creating something with meaning out of struggle. There is comfort in processing and determining self thoughts.

Tonight as my body cools, as I finish writing and my brain becomes tired from the process, and as music has eased me through this task, I feel the approach of comfort. Feel the quiet, calm, cool rest that is my sleep into comfortable.

Shrouded in Heaviness.

Shrouded in heaviness
Time drags with a sense of impending crush
The reflex is to hide away
But little good ever comes of that
Ever wondering the triggers or nature of such great burdening weight
The sense is shared, not singular
Real as any other emotion
So we carry each other along
The solution becomes nature
Let the brisk wind blow away the dark energy
Let the sunshine purify your spirit
Holding hands, intertwined energies
Time comes to revel in relief
The joys of normality return
And we don’t look back.

This Journey.

In time, you discover more of who you are, and you gain confidence in being yourself (or else you care much less what others think).

Being at ease within, lets you find and connect with souls in tune with the real you.

Easily digestible platitudes from social media are not the solution. It takes difficult emotional work to face up to who you really are, and to discover who you really want to be. It’s not about what you want in life, it’s about your internal/external focus and balance, it’s about what is in your heart and what energy your soul attracts from the surrounding world.

See within, who you are. See what it is that makes your place in existence significant. Every thought, word, or action you choose influences the world, frequently in ways unseen. Do not be afraid of this — be thankful for this. Be grateful to touch other souls, in the everyday, and occasionally in the extraordinary.

This is your responsibility. This is your gift. This is your precious life.

Finding the Sunshine.

Finding some self support
Telling myself good work for what was managed
Preemptively silencing the inner critic
Focusing on positive outcomes
in the midst of difficult days.
Learning this technique
from the person beside me
So much just like me
With many more years of positive voice
The perfect exemplar for me
Watching how a trusted caring soul
helps themself;
Helps me by example.
Thankful
Grateful
Acknowledging my positives
Shining a light against the darkness.

Surfacing Trauma.

So uncomfortable
With the world going crazy
With people going crazy around me
Rational people acting irrationally
Contributing to the global panic & disorder

Today it all triggered painful memories

My father ranting at the dinner table
About what is wrong with the government
About what is wrong with certain people
All contributing to this global problem
Angry ranting that should never have been
in front of a young child, a family
Unable to escape from the dining table
Unable to understand or process this all
Anger directed at others
Sometimes directed at his family
Self-justified idealist

Trauma pain

For a child that didn’t understand
Such strong emotions were terrifying
To be avoided at all costs
Never discussed
Never explained meaningfully

Locked away and bottled away
Smouldering and eating away
Maybe today is time to heal a little more
Time to feel the pain and let it go
Finally supported
Finally understood
Finally strong enough to feel the hurt
to process, to understand
Letting go of darkness
A wholeness of light
To begin this new phase of being more

A Tragic Toll.

All around me people I know are affected by the bushfires
Some can’t leave their home without choking on the smoke
Others are evacuated in the middle of the night with a single bag
Our unique wildlife is decimated
More of our country destroyed than in the Amazon and USA fires combined
My own home cycles between a heatwave and smoke-filled rooms
The country burns and the government does very little
Our own Prime Minister went on holiday with a global media mogul
Instead of staying to support his Nation
Priorities.
Denies the relevancy of all the fire warnings sent to him 6 months ago
He apologises, and then belittles the victims
Outright lies, and says the opposite of what he previously claimed
Claims whatever he says now is the truth
and whatever you think he said before is misrepresentation
Every day truthful news and reporters are Trumped
Am I living in the USA or Australia?
Family homes, local businesses, and lives are lost
Feeling for the victims, is overshadowed by anger
At a government that chooses not to act in ways that could help
That shows no strength and leadership when we need it.
Hope comes from those at their lowest
Those left with little who give it to others with even less
Others who give real support, selflessly, anonymously
Every member of the public who tries to do the right thing
To help their neighbours near and far
And having little to offer in practical terms, I do what I can, where I can
My heart goes out to everyone affected
And my anger at the government grows
They will not shame or scare me into compliance
For they are the instigators of these dramas
They are climate science deniers and selfish egotists
Perpetuating a social imbalance of power and wealth for their own benefit
They won’t get away with this
We will make noise until changes for the better, for all the people, are enacted.