…these thoughts progressed from previous post Future Fear.
If my thoughts and feelings don’t define me
Who am I then?
Decades spent living within my head,
To not be caught up in that
To not be entangled by inner monologue
Is as foreign a concept as living on an alien planet
Who am I then?
Perhaps the question is irrelevant
Who will I be then?
Perhaps I will be able to find myself
Able to consider and explore options
Discover parts of myself that were cowering,
Fearful of the snarling future
Who will I be then?
I will be
Who I am now
Deep down inside
All that which makes me
All the humanness will survive
How will I be then?
I will let go of the confusion
And the distracting static
All of the sticky,
Brain path clogging,
I will find myself
In my choices of relationship
In my clear thoughts
In the little decisions I make,
Every moment choosing,
Who I want to be.
[ image from Facebook, original source unknown ]
I remember good times a lifetime ago. (Painful memories are there too, but I now see the importance of connecting positives within me.
I remember first loves, first touch, first kiss. Car sliding off-the-road down-the-embankment adventures with friends and knee-high-mud hikes through remote wilderness. The quizzical feel of unrequited love. The laughing easy fun of real friends around me, even though the new experience was confusing. The joyous sound & feeling of singing familiar songs. A-Capella blues improvisation on the rocks near the seashore. Feeling the chant of ancient community harmonies. Up all night talking, sitting on the side of a hill, then watching sunrise dawn on a new year. So many connecting in deep conversation moments. Special friends who may have loved you.
I know you. We shared life together. Then we never saw each other again.
I know you. The first time we met was a meeting of old soulmates. I know you. Our time grew over years. Now we share warmth, inspiration, crazy fun and laughter. I know you. A few years of friendship remains a glow within my heart, whether or not we see each other again. I know you. We have never shared the same physical space, but our connection is as real as the hugs we will give when we finally do. I know you. We have walked together, talked together. Cried, lied, and sat together.
And now, I have known you your whole life. Every day is a new journey and one day, this too, I will remember.
[ Inspired by the magical words of @urbansirenllc ]
It feels like the start of a new journey while tangled in the old one
It feels like mountain climbing and gliding down the other side in a bicycle
It feels like finding new friends and suddenly losing them again
It feels like every mistake I’ve ever made arriving at once
It feels like emotional exhaustion and fresh energy
It feels like new music and sad songs
It feels like missing meals and discovering a picnic in the garden
It feels like a new book and worn pages with turned corners
It feels like stormy winds and sunshine on my face
It feels like crying and receiving comfort from your best friend
It feels like anticipation and collapsing on the floor
It feels like fresh sheets and staying too long in bed
It feels like soft pillows and a comfy sofa
It feels like nerves before a great performance
It feels like a skin pamper and removing a splinter
It feels like brick walls and open doorways
It feels like colourful paintings and dusty old masters
It feels like lavishing attention on the cat and not being clawed
It feels like light at the end of the tunnel and minding your steps over the rocks and tracks
It feels like a triumphant fanfare over a steady drumbeat
It feels like your suggestion from last week suddenly sitting perfectly within my plans
It feels like decorating the Christmas tree and not minding the worn faded tinsel
It feels like looking at your own reflection and wanting to see where today might go
It feels like the texture of touching this sculpture and knowing it can never be moved
It feels like finally caring for yourself, no matter what happens.
I know that I seek perfection in life. I understand that is unrealistic, and sometimes I feel scared that I am destined to forever seek the unattainable.
But I know that as I remain grounded, my vision is clear, and I see the truth in life that is more important than a facade of perfection. I know that I seek the truth in people I become close to. I know that I seek truth within myself and that will always guide me to the important and realness that is life.
In this way I can trust myself. I feel brave and know that I will find, in each day, that which I need to enjoy life. Thus I remind myself, that I am enough, that I am all I need, that I am loved – within and without. My life is certainty and solidity because that is what I desire. My life is also adventure and unexpected because that is what I desire.
This feeds me strength and positivity, because this path forwards is already beneath my feet.
Pushing forward, through regret
Create my path of hope of joy
This pain around is life’s, not mine
To follow this heart will be my ploy
[ Woman Thinking – Etude. sketch by Frédéric Forest ]
Two Wine Haiku. Written at “The Wheaty” during Tasty Wine Walk #14 on Saturday night and presented to the assemblage in “The Deli” during dinner.
Pale golden nectar
Black bubbles from grape and vine
Wine crowd gathers close
Bulbous grapes glistening bright
Let’s get drunk tonight
Throw my heart into the wind
To see what lies of chaff blow away and what grains of truth remain.
Will you catch it?
Should my heart fall into the dust, as I collect it those specks will fill my eyes forming clouds of tears.
I write for my heart
For your heart
My words paint
When she sings to me
Searching for myself
While I struggle to breathe
The gravity of uncertainty
Holds me back, down
My arms curl in, as I curl up,
Away from the cold storm outside
Raging weather unsettles me
As I long for calm
Without and within.
In my early 20s, for continuing self-improvement, I would identify facets of myself that I felt needed shifting. Perhaps an attitude to something that I realised I would be better off thinking differently about. I found that through the desire to change I would swing from one extreme to the other side and after experiencing that, eventually settle somewhere in the middle – a good place to settle.
When my depression got worse requiring medication and professional therapy, I struggled a lot with acceptance of myself, seeing this person as faulty and broken. Some of these feelings persist still, although I am currently breaking through that wall of self loathing.
Later on in life, with more experiences, differing therapies, differing attitudes to myself and my mental health, I really started progressing on my journey of self-realisation. Therapy required daily homework, sometimes difficult, but I wanted to move myself out of the depressive experiences that had defined most of my life to date.
I believed changing thought patterns and mental habits that were 20-30 years old would be difficult and would take a long time. But I was ready for the journey and determined. What I discovered surprised me. I believe the first major mental shift only took about 4 months, when I expected a year or more. And the more that changed the easier each change became, because they all built on the positives of the previous. Within the past year I have seen shifts that only took a few weeks to overcome a lifetime of negative patterns!
By setting my mind to it, by being determined to change for the better no matter what, and by learning to trust myself and rely on my abilities and the support of experienced others, I have surprised myself with what can change for the better.
Be hopeful for your own journey.
It’s that time of the the night when the world has gone quiet around me, my brain has cleared of daytime clutter and I want to just sit into the night and write.
A sleepy brain is actually a benefit to creativity as all the normal barriers and rules have melted away.
I can access deep, intuitive words and thoughts.
But the downside is that I push past my need to sleep which becomes problematic tiredness the next day.
So instead tonight I will lay down my writing devices and attend to my body’s need for rest.
And tomorrow, perhaps the inspiration will have built up and there will be greater creativity at play.