Who Am I?

…these thoughts progressed from previous post Future Fear.

If my thoughts and feelings don’t define me
Who am I then?

Decades spent living within my head,
To not be caught up in that
To not be entangled by inner monologue
Is as foreign a concept as living on an alien planet
Who am I then?

Perhaps the question is irrelevant
Who will I be then?

Perhaps I will be able to find myself
Able to consider and explore options
Discover parts of myself that were cowering,
Fearful of the snarling future
Who will I be then?

I will be
Who I am now
Deep down inside
All that which makes me
All the humanness will survive
How will I be then?

I will let go of the confusion
And the distracting static
All of the sticky,
Brain path clogging,

I will find myself
In others
In my choices of relationship
In my clear thoughts
In the little decisions I make,
Every moment choosing,
Who I want to be.

[ image from Facebook, original source unknown ]

Sense for my Senses.

Black, black as the night
sky reveals depth of mystery
no respite
only glimmers of street light
orange and white

Cool, cool breeze in the air
ruffles my clothes
and hair
momentary pain distraction there
seconds without care

When the pain won’t stray
aches and shakes last
all day
chest full of rubble
head filled with trouble
there’s no comfort in any way
any way

What reminds you of who you truly are?

This challenge is from Rarasaur, SKIP challenge. It took a little time to get into the part of my brain that was holding these thoughts, but it was well worth the effort. Have a go yourself and share here if you do.
What reminds you of who you truly are?  Maybe you have a response to anything on my list?

1. Lego

2. Playing piano

3. Riding a bicycle

4. Quietness in the warm sunshine

5. Swinging in the sunshine

6. Fixing something

7. Music that sends tingles down my spine

8. Golden North Giant Twins

9. Walking through wooded nature

10. The beach during summer

11. Playing with children

12. Loose leaf white tea

13. Christmas Lunch with Cousins, Aunties, & Uncles

14. Receiving a message from a friend

15. Remembering my Dad

16. Movie nights at home

17. Magpies warbling in the early morning

Torn Between Care and Resting.

I’m trying to be kind to myself
Being gentle on my body
That has been so fragile for so long
And my mind says “Lazy”

I’m scared of pushing myself much
And crashing again
Physically wrecked for a day or two
And my mind says “Lazy”

I say be gentle, don’t push
Let my body communicate its ability
It’s a fine line balancing productivity
And perceived laziness

(28 Sept 2015)

Freedom from Capture.

© Mary Jo Boughton 2015
“23” © Mary Jo Boughton, 2015. CC BY-NC-ND 2.0.


Wanting to help others
Is in your nature
So wanting to help yourself
Comes naturally too.
Beware the critic
The diviner of right and wrong,
Embrace the loving supporter
The kind and compassionate persister.
You deserve to be happy
Though that strange place
Brings fears of losing your self
Trust me, trust you,
That place is better, ’tis true
You will grow there
Feeling life’s meaning
And you will feel safe
As the security comes from within.


[ this is my response to Ruby Browne’s words on struggle ]

Advice to Myself.

There is no need to hurt
Don’t ask why
Don’t deny
 yourself any feeling
Sit with it
Acknowledge it
But do not dwell on it
No judgement for yourself
 or the feelings
Let them be
And let them go
Be at peace with yourself
Within the moment
Let the storms rage around you
You are safe, here
 in the centre of it all
Until the tempest passes

A Statement, A Question, A Response.


You disappear
and I don’t know how to reach you
I don’t know what to say
to open up the connection
that I need to feel
I need something more real
than the everyday
when you hide away.

Why do you fear
not meeting my expectations?
Why do you fear
a failure in my eyes?
Have I not shown you
enough love over twenty years?
Don’t you trust me
to love you no matter what?
I want to keep loving you
But I can’t love half a person;
That half I love even more
That you keep hidden away.

This is me reaching out
This is me trying to connect with you
through all my discomfort and anxiety
This is me being as honest as I can
This is me hoping you understand
This is me hoping communication works
Because if it doesn’t
If you can’t open up
and reach back with your entire soul
I will continue as I am
Feeling little from you
So making up my own feelings
from my hurt and despair.

Feeling Not Okay Today.

Collapsed on the floor
Curled up on the carpet
Am I dead, am I alive?

Inside of me
A lonely, scared child
Longing for love

All the brave masks
I wear most days
Only shelter
For a brief time

Some days he takes over
“I’m here!”
“Don’t forget about me!”

To love consistently
And care for myself
Seems the hardest to learn

Learning and Remembering.

I feel good today, proud of myself. And my Dad would have been proud of me as well. So today I was wearing the 35 year old t-shirt that I silk-screen-printed for him during a primary school camp. At the time I also made a much smaller blue one for myself. That wore thin years ago and was recently sewn into a patchwork quilt by my Mum. This t-shirt in the photo was given back to me by Dad a few years ago, in a very simple but touching gesture. He no longer fitted into it and was wondering if I would like it “back”. 

When I wear this shirt, I think of better times. Of childhood fun camps, of a good Dad before he was knocked off his motorbike by a drunk driver, suffering brain & body damage in the process that eventually led to the break up of our family.

Today I finally received the opportunity to take my firearms licence training course. Firearm safety is taken very seriously in Australia. So there is a day of training in all aspects of shooting. How guns work, Personal safety, Ethical hunting, Legal requirements, General shooting knowledge. There are two theory tests during the day and then two practical tests. I might say I passed with flying colours.

I listened intently and soaked up all the new information, and asked question about unclear areas, just like I used to in school. So I scored 25/25 on both theory tests, very happy about that. Then later in the day we had the practical tests.

First was firing a .22 rimfire rifle at a target 50m away. The goal was to have a cluster of 10 shots within a circle the same diameter as the black centre. Due to these guns being used constantly for training, the sights may not be accurate and may be misaligned high, low, left, right, or a combination of those. So all that is expected is a close grouping anywhere on the target. Other than one of my first two shots out to the right, I grouped the other nine within a half diameter of the circle. I call that very good consistency. Keep in mind that the last time I fired a rifle I was about 10 during one of our family camping trips into the outback. 

Second range test was firing a shotgun at 20m. Something I have never done before! First I had to pick up the shotgun, close the breach and take a firing stance. Perhaps I was practically applying all that I read and heard today, and perhaps distant memories of my father instructing my older brothers came back to me, but I took a perfect stance, leaning towards my front leg and keeping my outer elbow up for stability. 

Then a single cartridge is loaded, to get the hang of firing. I aimed the barrel at the first of five metal “rabbits”, and fired. The recoil ammount surprised me, but my aim was true and down went the first target. Not bad for a beginner! 

Next the two side-by side chambers are both loaded for the second and third shots. I decide to just keep working along the line of targets from left to right. Second and third targets go down cleanly. The instructor mentions that the centre target is a little stiffer than the others and needs to be hit dead-centre to knock it over. I saw plenty of other people miss or only edge some of the targets. 

Once more the gun is loaded with two more cartridges and I prepare to fire in my own time. Number four and number five targets go down. A perfect score! The passing requirement was to knock over three of the five targets.

So now I know what the recoil kick of a shotgun feels like. I’m sure that my shoulder won’t be bruised tomorrow, all the body support of the gun was correct.

Getting home after six hours of training, I felt very tired. All that concentration and focus I put into the day certainly paid off.

Know that an Australian license holder goes through very thorough training. There are strong deterrents in fines of up to $75,000 and 5 years in jail for any firearm offences or hunting offences. And if accused the onus is on you to prove your innocence. Conviction of any firearm or hunting offences will also likely result in permanent revoking of your shooting license and confiscation of all your firearms. Because human life is so valuable, the legal deterrents are very strong.

No doubt some of you have different opinions of shooting or different experiences with firearms depending on which country you are in. I am against animal cruelty. Most of the hunting in Australia is of feral animals. Rabbits, foxes, wild cats, goats, and pigs have all been introduced during white settlement and pose serious threat to all of our native wildlife and plants. My intention is to have my license purely to inherit a few firearms from my Dad’s collection. With as much of their history and sentimental value to my father as I can understand.

I wish he was still around. I know he would have been proud of me. He would have humbly congratulated me and given some gentle reminders about safety and skill. I won’t go around bragging, this will stay here on a somewhat-private wordpress post. That is how my Dad would have wanted it and I understand why.

I wish we could have gone shooting together, now that I understand how significant that activity was to him. All I have now are the memories. But going through this process has given me a better appreciation of him, and that is more valuable than anything else right now.

Unmasked and Open.

putting up masks
not showing what you feel
but you want to reveal
and let out all you conceal
let it out
let it out
get it out and be real
when I hold it inside
I just want to hide
it squashes my pride
and holds back the tide
of the ocean that’s life
a big deep scary ocean
that’s full of adventure
and incredible beings
just being themselves
giant whales that play
and swim beneath ice
birds that surf and surfing seals
wouldn’t it be nice
to just play
all day
take my thoughts
far away
from the troubles –
I have trouble shaking
this life I am making
is confusing and
breaking my heart
but each day
a new sunrise
a new start
I can choose to be
I can choose to feel
I can show what is real;
to me
it’s to feel
it’s to share the inner soul
this is my complete whole –
my own ocean
in this chest here
there is more love than fear
the pure me is perfectly clear
nothing is hidden
nothing can be concealed
inside here.
will you dare peep
will you look
open up the dusty covers
of this book
and see the sea
the ocean of me.
dip your foot in
the water is warm
it’s not long until dawn
shall we stroll through the shallows
in this early light
of such great potential
I feel alright
I feel the energy of the sea
of you with me
this sharing is free
this time will be –
I’m glad you asked
and listened
took my viewpoint
and swung it around
gave me another perspective
on this whole collective –

the closeness
right here
between you and me
mask-less and free
is infinitely –
and that temperature
defrosts my bones