Who Am I?

…these thoughts progressed from previous post Future Fear.

If my thoughts and feelings don’t define me
Who am I then?

Decades spent living within my head,
To not be caught up in that
To not be entangled by inner monologue
Is as foreign a concept as living on an alien planet
Who am I then?

Perhaps the question is irrelevant
Who will I be then?

Perhaps I will be able to find myself
Able to consider and explore options
Discover parts of myself that were cowering,
Fearful of the snarling future
Who will I be then?

I will be
Who I am now
Deep down inside
All that which makes me
All the humanness will survive
How will I be then?

I will let go of the confusion
And the distracting static
All of the sticky,
Brain path clogging,

I will find myself
In others
In my choices of relationship
In my clear thoughts
In the little decisions I make,
Every moment choosing,
Who I want to be.

[ image from Facebook, original source unknown ]


Morning Struggles.

When I want to drift away
To nowhere
To blissfully unaware
So tired that thoughts don’t even try bothering me
Clear space to not bother thinking
A moment of freedom

Then comes knowing
Eyes open
Trying to engage with awakeness
Push off covers to expose my body to air
Quiet calm keeps calling me away from the noise of the day
Fight the sinking urge that comes with closed eyes
Today, or not today
That is the question

(20 November 2015)

Helpless And Upset.

From the moment I awakened
My thoughts turned on me
Pummelling and belittling me
And I was helpless to defend myself
My body crashed
As my spirit was crushed

I feel terrible for having
So many days where
I just can’t function
Because I know
The pressure that it puts
On both myself and my wife
On life.

(9:26 pm)

Disturbing Awakening.

An awareness reveals itself now
Every day I put myself down
Tiny negative thoughts
Creep in even as ideas form
Denying my abilities
Subtly and consistently
Shutting down creativeness
With fear and criticism

My heart cries out in pain
At this realisation
Of damage done
Of stifled expression
Feeling helpless to change
This situation
Or myself

(10:23 am)

Featured Image -- 2931

Galactic Heat.

Originally posted on Of Love and Loss:

I know what she wants
A kiss to melt her knees
A moment of feeling
Before she walks out the door

Yet so complicated

I can’t provide that
Only a shallow front
Of old love
Escapes these lips
Its enough for her
And not enough for me

My burning passion
Desires a stronger response
An amplified reflection
Brain overloading
Body writhing
White hot singular focus
One and the other
Forming an intense
Supernova of Love

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Help Wanted.

Something’s not right
I can feel it – somewhere
Somewhere real

At times I find guidance
And work on helping myself
But I get distracted
By random rises of anguish
Or grief – or –

Jumping back to survival mode
I lose track
Lose momentum
Lose my place in life

I’m lost
As much as I want
To work this out myself
I need help
To avoid
The feeling resetting
Journey postponing
Emotional interrupts
That plague me

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Kiss Me First, Kiss Me Last. 

Originally posted on Of Love and Loss:

Kiss me.

Kiss me like your life will end if you don’t
as though all your passion will ebb away without this kiss.

Kiss me as though my lips can take your pain.

Kiss my neck
my throat
where my life pulses
let it pass my energy to you.

Kiss me softly,
as if I might break.

Our lips barely touching
like morning dew falling from a blade of grass.

Kiss my finger tips
your lips gentle embrace.

Enflame me and quench me.

The [straightforwardness] of a kiss is never simple.

And it is never over.

It lingers on your soul.

Stained with promise and heart break.

Bringing two together in pleasure
joined in memory for all time.

A kiss gives so much more than it takes.

It is all that it is in that fleeting moment
and nothing of the chaos before or after.

So kiss me, give me…

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A Quiet Conversation in my Head.

So tired of hurting
So deep inside where I can’t reach
But what if I could?
Would I just try to
smash away the pain
smother it with anger?
Where is the love
the compassion?
Kindness seems so far away
Out of range.
And so follow my angry thoughts
Ending it will be my only relief
But rational mind says
“That only transfers the pain to others”
“You need to deal with this”
“Learn to negate its influence”
“To save those around you”
“And to save yourself”


Last Night and This Morning, Many Times Over.

I want to cry
All the hurt I feel
All the pain that
Tears at my heart and mind

My heart is heavy
It drags me down
Into the warm bed
Where I sink and sleep

Heavy eyelids flicker
Morse code for my mind
The restart message
Over and over until
A moving body gets up