Responsifeelingly.

Feeling responsible for others

and how my actions have influenced them

Telling myself that it is beyond my control

That I am not responsible for their life (any more)

Leaving behind, what I had to move away from

Will I forever be entangled with a past

that was so much of me?

Here, now, is who I am

This is where I decide who I will be

Where I cut emotional ties

and release myself from all that was.

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Her Voice.

I am L’s voice.

When she talks about pain, it is a level of pain that leaves most people in tears. Having dealt with constant physical pain every day of her life, she has a high pain threshold. So when she talks about being bothered by pain, listen carefully and do not dismiss a single word.

When she says the pain is preventing her from sleeping, realise that “being tired” is her way of saying she is experiencing severe sleep deprivation from nightly lack of sleep. Realise that fragmented hours of sleep are nowhere near as beneficial as a solid block of deep sleep. Realise that this has been her experience for months. Realise how difficult it is to still function under these conditions, and that running on autopilot is not a healthy situation.

The pain takes so many forms. It is frequently the sharp stabbing pain of knives. It is hot and cold throbbing, sweats and swelling. It is spasms of nerve pain that make her whole body jump, that occur all times of the day, and are particularly disruptive when asleep. There is currently no relief from the pain, only variations of extremity. Even the most pleasurable of intimate times offers no alleviation to the distressing discomfort.

When the pain brings her to tears, realise that there is nothing left, that she has reached the limit of her endurance, being pounded daily by the various attacks on her physical senses. Realise that the pain has been so severe as to frequently leave her feeling nauseous. Realise that vomiting from the pain is her body’s last resort to expel what currently cannot be removed.

When she says that she has trouble thinking, realise that the pain is so strong that her working memory is functioning at a fraction of normal, and the constant assault on her senses is an underestimated stress. Realise that what she manages to communicate is critical information. Do try to find out more with further questions, for her ability to volunteer information is somewhat limited.

Realise that her emotional struggle is as real as the physical. Realise that many of her normal coping strategies have been taken away, and that her normal physical-mental interplay has been disrupted.

When she speaks honestly about how she feels, it is a big effort, requiring much strength and focus, which is a very tiring process for her. Realise that she has experienced over 20 years of being emotionally smothered. Realise for that time she was conditioned into compliance, criticised, belittled and abused for expressing herself or having a different opinion. Realise that speaking up about herself and for herself is a huge task. Realise how tiring is it to every day push herself beyond the protective shelter of silence that she had created in order to survive most of her adult life.

When she talks about understanding the psychological effects of pain, of reduced function, of limited activity and changed behaviour, realise this is a master instructor  with nearly 30 years experience. Realise this is a teacher at the top of her game, with a professional interest in the psychology of behaviours. Realise this is an educator of the most difficult children in this city, who daily has a positive influence on the future of some of the most disadvantaged children here. When you talk about the psychosomatic influences during this time of dramatic changes in her own life, realise this person intimately understands the territory and must respond daily to assist children and adults experiencing such effects.

Realise that this woman is incredibly strong, having saved herself from an abusive relationship. Realise that this woman had the strength to prevent herself from becoming another statistic of domestic violence. Realise that right now she is coming to you for help, because she needs help. She is relying on you for the best care possible.

Digging for Well.

Some days there is no trusting myself

Questioning the reasoning behind my behaviouring

Doubting the truth of my feelings of love

Thinking my relationship needs are met

Only after carefully crafted expression

Because someone in my past accused me of that

Even if that claimant was reacting to their own fears

And knowing that is not my intent

Ever

That I strive for truth and honesty

In all that I seek or do.

Yet I understand there is possibility

That my little cracked heart

Still has some healing to fully restore feeling

To a level of understanding and completeness

That not everyone manages to achieve

So I wonder if

Despite my best efforts

I do love as transparently as I hope

Do I reciprocate as honestly as I believe?

And the awareness of that questioning

The self digging and uncovering undertaken

Reassures me that I am doing the best I can

Within these moments certainty answers back

“You are doing well”.

(W)here there is Greatness.

The message sent to me

“You already possess
everything necessary
to become great.”

Yes indeed. Right now, right here, just as I am.

Then followed the thoughts of darkness.
And I saw that all is in balance. It needs to be.

The darkness is simply another energy that contrasts the light. It can be used in different ways. It must be understood differently.

And I see that harnessing and managing the darkness has been difficult for me in the past because I didn’t have the skill-set or the understanding.

These are tools and techniques that can be learnt – if we are brave enough to discuss them openly.

Difficulties arise within the pain that typically accompanies the darkness. The pain of unmet life expectations, or the pain of confusion and perceived loneliness. These brief memories spring forth for me right now. And there is no pain within these memories, within this moment. For my understanding of life, and of myself, lets gentle awareness be in charge.

This entire reveal comes with a quiet calm, of knowing that the choice is mine every step of the way. That every thought, action, every motivation and decision, can propel me forwards – into the light, and greatness.

Once More, Unto Hope.

I will not acknowledge this darkness clawing at my soul
I will not name it depression, grief or anxiety, which gives it form and offers it power
I will not give in when the desire to hide away, from people, from loved ones, from life,
Calls me incessantly and offers an uncomfortable ease to this troubled heart
I will not doubt my own worth
I will not question every part of my being that others see as positive
I will not make life-changing decisions based on the fear of my present.

There are so many ways to dive into these depths
And in the past I’ve tried them all, tested their effectiveness
So I know that path isn’t right for me right now
Despite the comfort of familiarity all of that could be
There is only right now, hunched over,
Wanting to stand tall, but bearing the weight of my world on my shoulders
So for every step forwards, and every step backwards,
I know my focus on the future will eventually win through.

Hope calls me forwards
I don’t recognise it’s shape, but the warmth is enough to draw me away from this icy cold.
Hoping for a mind unrestrained by this clutter and weight.
Hope is a quiet voice, whispering encouragement through the darkness
Leading me onto a new path
Reminding me of the light that exists out there.

Me. Today.

This is me
This is who I am, today
Yesterday I was someone
Tomorrow, I don’t know who I will be

I am not broken, faulty, or a failure
These are just thoughts that I allow to effect me
I am perfect just as I am, right now
and I will stop covering that up with fear

Many days I have struggled
Fighting the feelings, the pain
Denying my reality
No wonder I struggled
Denying who I was, where I was, how I was
at that time

I will embrace the uncomfortableness
Because I have found that to resist makes it persist
I will welcome the pain
Because it is giving me the opportunity
to learn more about myself, to fully experience this moment of life

These are all aspects of me
That flow through me, at varying speeds
I accept them and let them be
They no longer have control of me
I am the master of myself
My thoughts are mine own, to understand, and to ponder

(30 November 2014)

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[ cloud photography by me ]

Awakened.

How precious are you to you?
Do you feel the value
The strength imbued

Leave behind criticism
Make love your decision
But go not to narcissism

Reflection a shadow
Absorb awaken
Glow tho not boast.

(6-7 Sept 2014)

[written by wbdeejay and EJ Mason. Check out her book “Sex and The Suburbs” which contains some very emotional poetry and a thought-provoking love story]

A Life in Rhyme.

I wanted to die
but wasn’t sure why
All that I knew
my patience was through
Run down by the pain
running away again
No energy left
Feeling bereft
No support or love
just push and shove
Thought about how
later or now
So many ways
to end your days

Some hope, a spark
always in the dark
From deep inside
I could not hide
Enough to lift
myself and shift
I choose this way
to another day
A struggle still
battling your will
A balance of force
helps sometimes of course

.

[ this is my response to Pooky’s Poetry Prompt 19 – Rhyme and Reason ]

Trust in Myself. (a golden shovel)

I was always very trusting
Considering that
Others betrayed my trust
Or didn’t care it exists
So the thing is
Learning to trust oneself was a
Difficult journey, but it must
Be undertaken for
The whole self, in relationship
To be free of past bonds
And open up to
Positive actions that last,
That create meaning and
Solidity, will benefit you and not
Allow the protection to rust.

===

[ This is a golden shovel poem, as suggested by NaPoWriMo.net at their day five prompt for writing a poem a day in April. I’m using the prompts as inspiration when needed, but also just writing my own thing. Anyway, in case you don’t know how it works, this type of poem is based on an original poem which can be found by reading the last word of each line. So contained within this new piece is my original poem “Trust“. I found writing this quite complex due to the nature of the original words I was working with, but research and inspiration brought me to this place so I worked through it. Do let me know what you think about both poems and their inter-relationship. ]

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Battle Cry.

I would cry out for help
If I thought I was heard
If I thought I mattered enough
For anyone to care.

For I don’t understand any of this
How could another possibly comprehend
the torment, confusion,
the nothingness
And the all pervasive incompleteness
of my existence.

The words in my head are that no-one listens
No-one even reads what I write
So none of it matters.

Except the battle
Stop fighting and I will truly crumble
into nothingness
So the war itself has meaning
A purpose I don’t understand
like any soldier.
I am the conflict
Both sides of the fray
I am winner and loser
I am casualties and victories
When I win, will I lose too?
If I lose, will I celebrate victory?
Or like all wars
will there be no real victor
just widespread collateral damage?

Time to take the moral high ground
Conscientious objector
to all this destruction
Make peace
Be the change you want to see
Find who I truly am
Quietly and determinedly
Make love not war.

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[Artwork by David Rosen]