Dire Deprecation.

Incoherent thoughts keep awake the mind
busy with possibilities and desires
but feeling nothing more than an echo
of resting in warm sunshine.
Too much; battles not enough
While forgotten promises fade with the sunset.
I went there with best intentions
but eagerness overtook capability
and the shadow of regret constantly follows.
Searching for myself amidst the mourning
Disappointment dictates disastrous decisions
Delaying development and draining discourse
Dictated details of dire deprecation
and Deception dangles decency in front of dishonesty.
All I am
is much less
and so much more.

Monday in Six parts.

The world leans to the left
Off-balance, I feel like falling
Yet to my right an invisible anchor
On this chair
Balancing my body in space
Pressured by unknown forces
Closed eyes bring more confusion
Sitting still, is swaying
Not moving, is swirling around.

Then voices call my name
From another place
that is neither here nor now.

Stimulate the senses with movement,
with coffee
Letting the experience be
Trying to let it go, like double-sided glue tape.

Sunshine therapy with physical stillness
Lets the head pain become apparent
Tilt my head towards the sun
Release my body, let muscles relax
Feel the breeze tugging at my clothes,
Fabric protects me from the chill
Then clouds part and the sun beams full Autumn strength onto my hand and face
The glorious warm glow from a fire 150 million kilometres away
Soaking into my skin
Heat circulating under my clothes
As I sit facing North East.

Body tremors
as it processes unpleasant irritants
Myriad internal battles
unbeknownst to my consciousness
as it attempts to make sense of this day
As I search for a stability of being
As feelings and emotions mix the physical and ephemeral worlds.

Writing with shaking hands
Squinting through sunshine
The world connects with me
as I attempt to ground myself with it
Birdsong becomes apparent above the background traffic noise
As hearing connects with nature
As nature connects with me
As I sense the grass nearby
The plants and life active within
the thinnest surface layer of the earth
My own roots reach deeper
Searching for gravity, solidity, molten metal flowing deep towards the centre of this living ball of amazing
that shelters us from the great nothingness out there
The all-ness that we are
The great connection between every living cell, every individual and sentience that we share air and energy with
Every spirit and soul past and present exists right now, right here, with us
When you remember, their existence continues,
their influence continues,
their significance and meaning carries you and I along
As we need support, so it is there
As we need reminders, so they talk to us in ways that may not be apparent right now.
We all are
We are what was and what we choose to be
Be this with your loved ones
Be this with acquaintances and strangers
Be who you need to be, and
Be all that you can.

.

[3 May 2021]

This Journey.

In time, you discover more of who you are, and you gain confidence in being yourself (or else you care much less what others think).

Being at ease within, lets you find and connect with souls in tune with the real you.

Easily digestible platitudes from social media are not the solution. It takes difficult emotional work to face up to who you really are, and to discover who you really want to be. It’s not about what you want in life, it’s about your internal/external focus and balance, it’s about what is in your heart and what energy your soul attracts from the surrounding world.

See within, who you are. See what it is that makes your place in existence significant. Every thought, word, or action you choose influences the world, frequently in ways unseen. Do not be afraid of this — be thankful for this. Be grateful to touch other souls, in the everyday, and occasionally in the extraordinary.

This is your responsibility. This is your gift. This is your precious life.

Finding the Sunshine.

Finding some self support
Telling myself good work for what was managed
Preemptively silencing the inner critic
Focusing on positive outcomes
in the midst of difficult days.
Learning this technique
from the person beside me
So much just like me
With many more years of positive voice
The perfect exemplar for me
Watching how a trusted caring soul
helps themself;
Helps me by example.
Thankful
Grateful
Acknowledging my positives
Shining a light against the darkness.

A Tragic Toll.

All around me people I know are affected by the bushfires
Some can’t leave their home without choking on the smoke
Others are evacuated in the middle of the night with a single bag
Our unique wildlife is decimated
More of our country destroyed than in the Amazon and USA fires combined
My own home cycles between a heatwave and smoke-filled rooms
The country burns and the government does very little
Our own Prime Minister went on holiday with a global media mogul
Instead of staying to support his Nation
Priorities.
Denies the relevancy of all the fire warnings sent to him 6 months ago
He apologises, and then belittles the victims
Outright lies, and says the opposite of what he previously claimed
Claims whatever he says now is the truth
and whatever you think he said before is misrepresentation
Every day truthful news and reporters are Trumped
Am I living in the USA or Australia?
Family homes, local businesses, and lives are lost
Feeling for the victims, is overshadowed by anger
At a government that chooses not to act in ways that could help
That shows no strength and leadership when we need it.
Hope comes from those at their lowest
Those left with little who give it to others with even less
Others who give real support, selflessly, anonymously
Every member of the public who tries to do the right thing
To help their neighbours near and far
And having little to offer in practical terms, I do what I can, where I can
My heart goes out to everyone affected
And my anger at the government grows
They will not shame or scare me into compliance
For they are the instigators of these dramas
They are climate science deniers and selfish egotists
Perpetuating a social imbalance of power and wealth for their own benefit
They won’t get away with this
We will make noise until changes for the better, for all the people, are enacted.

Here and Now; from Before.

I remember mid high-school. My bassoon teacher being upset and teary. I later found out it was because she separated from her husband. But at the time I didn’t understand such things. I thought she was upset because I had done something wrong. I didn’t know what I could do for her to feel better.

When I think back to that time, I’m not sure whether I blamed myself for how she was feeling, or whether I was just so connected to her upset that I felt all her emotions too. Or something in between, or something else. I don’t think I had much understanding of relationships at that time. Home was unhappy with Dad being so unreasonable for a number of years. Maybe I could only react to everything around me; not being equipped to manage my own emotions, never being taught, rarely having any good examples. I watched others, and I picked up some cues from my brother; but it was more of an aspiring to be like that, than developing an understanding. And I think about some of my peers then; those who were working part time to support themselves, those who were out having multiple relationships, while I was still trying to get a hang of feeling and trying to understand my own sexual awareness alongside my shyness and lack of confidence.

Where am I now? I’m proud of how I’ve grown; of how I’ve gained significant understanding of myself during my adult years. Within my current relationship, I’ve gained a great understanding of how my own energy interacts with others, particularly with females. I’m learning more how to control the gifting of my energy to the world around me; when to hold back and when to let it out. I feel that I made some poor relationship choices in the few years before this current stable and supportive one. And yet I know during that time I was doing what I thought I needed to, to experience life in a new way, to experience relationships in a new way.

Where am I now? I am actively working to greater understanding of myself; developing greater compassion for myself; and growing in a positive direction (as I always have).

Where am I now? I am in a positive, supportive relationship with my soul-mate. I made my way here through positive choices. Through the brave choices of leaving (two) relationships that weren’t right for me. I was courageous and intelligent enough to decide what was best for me. I was fearful then, and yet I acted in love for my own well-being. I’ve always cared for myself, and that is why I am where I am today. That is why I am writing these thoughts out in this moment – self care; love for who I am, for who I was, and for who I will be. Doing the best I know how, endeavouring to help myself in the best way possible.

I know logically that I deserve this self-support. And yet I am aware that there is a component of fear driving me. Fear of feeling lost, fear of feeling abandoned and unloved. Some negative core beliefs persist; and these are my current challenge.

Am I worthy? Right now I can feel worthy of love, worthy of brilliant supportive friendships. And I also know that often I don’t feel that way. The dark hole of depression and self-loathing. A brain that functions differently in small ways, that leaves me hiding away from the world, self-isolating. It’s not healthy, and perhaps I can learn how to better deal with those times, how to manage them and ask for the help I need when I really need it.

I’m proud of my choice of friends. I’m proud of my choice of relationships, of my choice of life partner. I still remember that time years ago I decided to grow my friend circle, for my benefit. And now I see fruition of that decision. I now have around me the type of friends that I envisaged. I made this happen, for myself, for my benefit. To live a full and enjoyable life. To be a positive contributor to the world, and to feel the love of similar minds with similar energies all around me.

.

[ 23 Nov 2019 11:05am ]

Remembering Completeness.

I remember

Pain and fun and all the experiences I had growing to where I am now. And remembering can be overwhelming, because of the emotion it brings. Especially the sad emotions, the hurt, the moments that led me to questioning myself until I curled up into a ball and burned with tears because I felt so small and insignificant and lost. I don’t feel like I’ve learnt how to move beyond that, I just know that it happens less often. The emotions don’t overwhelm very often. But I am troubled by the unsettling hurt constantly bubbling beneath the surface of my consciousness. An uneasiness that disturbs my calmness. I don’t want to deny it. But when I try to accept what it is, the pain is confusing in its powerful pull over me. I remember this can’t be ignored. I remember there are people who care about me. I remember to make whatever positive effort feels manageable at these times. I remember that doing a little of something is 100% more effective than doing nothing. I choose to action over my memories. I choose to allow remembering to be what it is. I remember that there is a better place for my spirit to exist. I remember to love myself first with a gentleness and acceptance. I remember my calm, loving self. I remember my completeness.

Responsifeelingly.

Feeling responsible for others

and how my actions have influenced them

Telling myself that it is beyond my control

That I am not responsible for their life (any more)

Leaving behind, what I had to move away from

Will I forever be entangled with a past

that was so much of me?

Here, now, is who I am

This is where I decide who I will be

Where I cut emotional ties

and release myself from all that was.

Her Voice.

I am L’s voice.

When she talks about pain, it is a level of pain that leaves most people in tears. Having dealt with constant physical pain every day of her life, she has a high pain threshold. So when she talks about being bothered by pain, listen carefully and do not dismiss a single word.

When she says the pain is preventing her from sleeping, realise that “being tired” is her way of saying she is experiencing severe sleep deprivation from nightly lack of sleep. Realise that fragmented hours of sleep are nowhere near as beneficial as a solid block of deep sleep. Realise that this has been her experience for months. Realise how difficult it is to still function under these conditions, and that running on autopilot is not a healthy situation.

The pain takes so many forms. It is frequently the sharp stabbing pain of knives. It is hot and cold throbbing, sweats and swelling. It is spasms of nerve pain that make her whole body jump, that occur all times of the day, and are particularly disruptive when asleep. There is currently no relief from the pain, only variations of extremity. Even the most pleasurable of intimate times offers no alleviation to the distressing discomfort.

When the pain brings her to tears, realise that there is nothing left, that she has reached the limit of her endurance, being pounded daily by the various attacks on her physical senses. Realise that the pain has been so severe as to frequently leave her feeling nauseous. Realise that vomiting from the pain is her body’s last resort to expel what currently cannot be removed.

When she says that she has trouble thinking, realise that the pain is so strong that her working memory is functioning at a fraction of normal, and the constant assault on her senses is an underestimated stress. Realise that what she manages to communicate is critical information. Do try to find out more with further questions, for her ability to volunteer information is somewhat limited.

Realise that her emotional struggle is as real as the physical. Realise that many of her normal coping strategies have been taken away, and that her normal physical-mental interplay has been disrupted.

When she speaks honestly about how she feels, it is a big effort, requiring much strength and focus, which is a very tiring process for her. Realise that she has experienced over 20 years of being emotionally smothered. Realise for that time she was conditioned into compliance, criticised, belittled and abused for expressing herself or having a different opinion. Realise that speaking up about herself and for herself is a huge task. Realise how tiring is it to every day push herself beyond the protective shelter of silence that she had created in order to survive most of her adult life.

When she talks about understanding the psychological effects of pain, of reduced function, of limited activity and changed behaviour, realise this is a master instructor  with nearly 30 years experience. Realise this is a teacher at the top of her game, with a professional interest in the psychology of behaviours. Realise this is an educator of the most difficult children in this city, who daily has a positive influence on the future of some of the most disadvantaged children here. When you talk about the psychosomatic influences during this time of dramatic changes in her own life, realise this person intimately understands the territory and must respond daily to assist children and adults experiencing such effects.

Realise that this woman is incredibly strong, having saved herself from an abusive relationship. Realise that this woman had the strength to prevent herself from becoming another statistic of domestic violence. Realise that right now she is coming to you for help, because she needs help. She is relying on you for the best care possible.

Digging for Well.

Some days there is no trusting myself

Questioning the reasoning behind my behaviouring

Doubting the truth of my feelings of love

Thinking my relationship needs are met

Only after carefully crafted expression

Because someone in my past accused me of that

Even if that claimant was reacting to their own fears

And knowing that is not my intent

Ever

That I strive for truth and honesty

In all that I seek or do.

Yet I understand there is possibility

That my little cracked heart

Still has some healing to fully restore feeling

To a level of understanding and completeness

That not everyone manages to achieve

So I wonder if

Despite my best efforts

I do love as transparently as I hope

Do I reciprocate as honestly as I believe?

And the awareness of that questioning

The self digging and uncovering undertaken

Reassures me that I am doing the best I can

Within these moments certainty answers back

“You are doing well”.