Constant Doubts.

I’m talking directly to you today. I need straight answers to straight talk.

Why do so many humans (still) feel alone? Good people. Liked by others. Personable. But seeming, in some abstract way, to not fit in. A feeling of never quite connecting with others. Not invited to join in. Never a “best friend” always an “acquaintance”.

I know these are insecurities. And I suspect untruths. Talk to me. I need to hear your story. Whether you agree or think differently. I need to know if you feel the same. If you have honest observations of me. If I misunderstand the world around me. 

I need to hear others’ truth.  What will you say to me?

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Sorting Messy. 

So I’m trying to sort out my messed up mind
Trying to sort out my messed up life
Trying to sort out my messed up relationships
And realising that I have the answers I need
I just need to approach them one at a time
Instead of bundling them all together, into
A big messy pile that says “You suck”
I will let go of that negative energy
I will focus forwards, on me, on positivity
And maintain my focus on creativity

Feeling Events.

Kneeling on the floor
In the cool morning air
Companion rabbit settled next to me

I feel so much
I feel for those affected
By senseless violence in Brussels

I feel so much
I feel for untimely death
Of Highschool friends and of strangers

And I hold tight
A cloak around me
Of love from my closest, and the like-minded

And I send out my intent
To all those in pain
A guiding light of Peace, Truth, Acknowledgement and Love

To all who are in need
In any way
This is shared for you, Spread for you, and for me.

Silent War.

I speak for the silent
Those beaten into submission
Given up on life
Or never knew it

I resided in those places
For real time and in my mind
Pain still fresh
Though scars healed over

Some hurts never leave
Asking why? Just get over it!
That is not the way
Complexity binds and blurs

I’m here to say
Kindness is harder than you realise
Patience must never end
True love reveals in time

I stepped forward
When others froze in fear
Or cowered back
Bravery overcame ignorance

No armour, shield, nor sword
Truth my only protection
Some battles lost
But keep me fighting

(18 March 2016)

Everyday Madness.

Sleep was sent away
Putting aside tomorrow
For now was the time to be with me

Uncomfortable and Uncertain
Sat on each side
Told stories that I’d rather not hear

And all the while
I searched
For missing pieces of my soul

Thought that in the quiet
Amidst my own noise
They would be heard calling out

Singular crescendo
Both louder and softer
Background static grew too much

Deafening, pummeling
Sinister, sneaky
Overwhelmed within my head

No respite
Only endurance
I was shaken to the core

Over, and over
Repeatedly
Please no more. Please no more.

(18 March 2016)

Communication Fixation.

I don’t cry tears down my face
That’s not my place

My emotions well up in words
Until I am heard

I’m not writing for play
Nor public display

Everything I feel is distilled
My needs fulfilled

Refined and placed in order
No clear border

This is total communication
Of my situation

This is the only way to express
My head’s a mess

Searching for a confirmation
This mental fixation

I need all this acknowledged
In some way solid

Needing comfort and support
That I was never taught

It’s my own cry for assistance
Shorten the distance

Between us, keep me close by
Until I can cry.

It’s Something Like This.

IMG_4831

I’m scared.
No actually, I’m terrified.
What if this is it?
What if my life is going to be – this complicated struggle – through the foreseeable future?
I see all the negatives so clearly.
I pass by the positive aspects of my life with a mere glance and they are forgotten. Overshadowed and overwhelmed by the crushing defeat of my failures.

Everyday life, is not.

Living mostly involves managing a small portion of what I used to be able to achieve.
Unknown ill health, exhaustion, reactions to food.

And the deteriorated mental state.

Medication seems to take an edge off the depression.
Leaving a space filling with – all this other negative emotional/physical/mental detritus.
Just finding the energy to get by, to deal with ALL OF THIS, leaves so little spare for love.
For others, and, ultimately for myself.

So as I contemplate another week of juggling energy – for work, to live – for myself, to keep going – and just maybe, something left for others – I feel … I feel too much.
I feel overwhelmed and unequipped.
I feel lost in the swirl of a life where people make demands of me everyday.
And more than anyone else, I make demands of me.
Urgings that sit uncomfortably with a body that seems to require the opposite.

Some days, making personal decisions feels like deciding the fate of the world.
Some days I just need to take time out, to find myself, to find that core of me around which I balance, and build outwards from there.

(15 March 2016)