Powerful Friends.

Your smile
Those eyes
Your warmth
They care
I see
and feel
the truth

My fear
disburses
The heartache
forgotten
Relaxed
I am
not who
I was

Where are
you friend?
Give me
respite
from pain
again
Take me
away
Relief is
palpable bliss

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Despise/Despair.

When you’ve been in pain
for so long
Can’t work out how to fix
what’s wrong
Doubting you have the strength
to carry on
Will you see the dawn break
or night continue strong
There is no comfort, it seems
nowhere you belong
Hear not the words of others
single voice nor throng
Feel nothing outside of self
misery’s siren song
Draws you in deep
nothing feels wrong
There is only one hope, soon
the end will come along

Parallel Life.

(no fear, of self, of life)
Confidence.
Choosing what I want to do and making it happen. Knowing clearly what I desire, if not then…
Keep trying, same things, new things, until I find the connection I seek. In hobbies, in relationships, in work, in intimacy. Failure is an acceptable outcome, failure is part of the growing and learning process.

(not hating myself, my life)
Feeling loved. Loving myself is enough. Love from others is even nicer and received with grace and thanks.
Easy to share love with those around me. Friends and family know they are loved as well. Confident to discuss how I feel with close friends. Confident to talk with family about how they feel, about how I feel.

(not losing time through illness and depression)
Life moves on, as do I. Health issues are easily resolved through listening to my own body talk. Time is taken for recovery when needed, then I bounce back and focus on the everyday without distraction. Focus. I respond to negative moods and feelings by loving myself, observing the feelings and acknowledging them. I am aware of these feelings but do not let them influence how I choose to feel.

I love myself. I love life. I love the people around me fully and wholeheartedly. I do the activities that I love, and I love the activities that I do. I make time for myself. I make time for others. I organise my time efficiently to allow me space to do all this.

===

[These are just words, thoughts, responses to Pooky’s suggestion to envisage what the parallel life alluded to in my last post, would be like. It was a good exercise in positivity. And, in time, I will make further analysis of what I actually have already achieved and what I may yet wish to work towards.]

Still Lost.

I still feel lost
made a mistake at the beginning of this life
during a critical time
that forever changed me
often it feels as if the struggle has never ended
that the happy times are forever tainted

I still feel lost
there’s a parallel life just out of reach
the one where I am much happier
I can feel it so close
it’s translucent temporal barrier
taunts me

I still feel lost
having strayed even further from myself
trapped in darkness
can’t see, only feel
seeking the light of connection and contact
longing for realness

Another Day.

Deep dark place
Don’t go, don’t go there
Giving up the race
Don’t go, don’t go there
Battling ever on
Be strong, be strong there
Can no longer carry on
Be strong, be strong there

Doubt all who I am
Don’t go, don’t go there
All I feel’s behind a dam
Don’t go, don’t go there
Head is lost in space
Come back, come back here
Nothing positive to embrace
Come back, come back here

You, You, You.

Tiredness demotivates me
Demotivation tires me
Getting so little done
Capable of so much more
Don’t be so hard on yourself!
Use love to motivate you
Love to create, love to achieve,
Love to try something new

But I hate, hate, hate
Everything around me
Including my miserable self
Feeling upset and agitated
Not really understanding why
All night clutching my pillow
Hoping for the headache to pass
Existing only a semi-conscious state