Feeling. In Two Parts.

Feeling. (part I) When I don’t understand.

Questioning my ability to feel
When my Dad’s death doesn’t bring tears
Even 2 years later, the grief hurts terribly
But all the pain is internally focussed
Dry eyes, show no outward signs
My marriage is also those dry eyes
The pain of missing emotions
The grief of an unfulfilling relationship
When did I stop feeling passion there?
(A few years ago now)
Present life is mostly these pains
Internal. Physically and mentally disrupting
Outwardly, only my words can express
Some of the heartache and headache.


Feeling. (part II) When I remember.

When our white rabbit died
I held Miss Madeline as her life drained away
And in the car afterwards I cried heavily.
For about eighteen years
I maintained passionate attraction to my wife
(Despite rarely feeling equal passion returned).
When close friends show me love
A strong hug, a kiss,
walking arm in arm
It brightens my day and warms my heart.
Reminding myself this way, that I do feel
Leaves me thinking, if I could just
feel the grief in a more practical way
Maybe I wouldn’t get stuck there.

Some days – NaPoWriMo (reblog)

Chantelle’s words are in sync with my thoughts today, feeling lost and confused, but pushing on – somehow. Just what I needed to hear.

Soul Renderings

Some days the hardest part of pressing on

comes in learning to let go

learning to move on

to stop dwelling on what could have been

what should have been

or why

Some days the hardest part of finding myself

comes with learning that it’s okay to be lost

that life doesn’t make sense all the time

and that’s okay

it’s all part of the process

and what’s important

is that I continue

to try.

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De-Scribe Love.

love –
write about love
but how can you describe
what you no longer feel?

that space in you deep as an ocean
skirting the edges of emotion
hinting at, but never discovered
no feeling uncovered

some time required to rebuild
will you never, ever be fulfilled
just a touch of connection, knowing
completing, saviour bestowing

all there was, is pain
some thought patterns could retrain
drawn to others who share feeling
now less concealing

.

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[this is Mr.Poppy asleep on the floor tonight, one of two house rabbits, who tired themselves out today extending their tunnel under the garden. they are very easy to love, even though one is shy for attention while this one can never get enough.]

Death in Two Parts.

Most of the time
I don’t feel anything good
that I used to
And no matter what I’ve tried
what we’ve both tried
I can’t get that back
Is there more we can do?
I’m just so tired of trying
and of being disappointed
Over and over
Energy levels and enthusiasm
have long ago drained
And all I can wonder is
Whether I’m even capable
of feeling those feelings any more
After everything
Is my heart just too broken
to ever be truly whole again?

Even illness
warping my mental state
releasing me
from the responsibility
of passing judgement
Gave no comfort
Only putting off
the foreboding feelings
of
something isn’t right.

Back on my feet again
Sleeping at night
instead of during the day
Managing work better
All the time feeling
this current relationship
is not what I can live with
is not what I want for my life
doesn’t inspire me
And that making do
with such compromise
is a shortcut to my death.

Will this kill me?
Will this kill you?
No, but there is a vast difference
between not being dead
and being truly alive.

Where Do I Go From Here?

A new feeling
a new thought
I want to write
to create meaning
communicate
enlighten
and just maybe inspire

I want to brush aside
daily work
focus on writing
create reality
with words
Instead of
the often tedium
of straight lines
and restrictive regulations

Back to earth
Stop dreaming
Don’t give up your day job
Money needs earning
To live
to be able to love
to be able to create
to be able
to be

Boso 1 and 2.

This is the third poem written on Sunday morning during a burst of inspiration. It was a different combination of techniques for me, but mostly focused around a suggestion I read recently from Leanne at Ignored.

I wrote what I felt from listening to this music (which is a current emotionally meaningful piece to me). It is two tracks Boso 1 and Boso 2 from the album Insofar by Sundog and contains sounds solely from playing a tampered acoustic piano (Boso 1) & rhodes electric piano (Boso 2). Depending on your interpretation it could be described in style as classical, minimalist, chamber, or electronica.

One of the composer/performer duo is Arthur Jeffes who is the blood heir to the Penguin Cafe name, a group who were performing since the 70’s and who I was privileged to hear perform in my hometown in the late 80’s.

There are 27 lines spaced over the nearly 8 minutes of music. For full effect, have a listen and read through this poem accordingly.
I really need to create a video with the words popping up at appropriate times then fading and shrinking away. Anyone out there have those skills?

===

running
racing
behind me
all around me it changes
I saw you
the smile
why did he choose that?
let’s go
ready?
aha!
no one and everyone
please
I can’t promise anything

it changed
I don’t like this, I like this
where were we?
I want to go home –
I don’t know where that is
why did you do that?
you are beautiful and hurtful all at once
never
build it
burrow into the ground
clear vision
sparkles
can I touch you?
soaring out of the sky

When It All Deserts Me.

Awareness and observation
Slipping slowly falling down
What was light has become grey
Tomorrow grey will fade into darkness

I am both the observer and the object
Like a dream I cannot stop it
Walls rise up dulling all experience
Draining, immobilising, deflating

Only words are left
All other experiences desert me