A Deep Conversation with Myself. 

Why do I feel alone on my own?
Because I gain a great deal of energy from connecting with other people and I fell that I don’t get that on my own.

Why don’t I receive that connection on my own?
Because I feel inadequate with my own thoughts. There seems to be nothing to reinforce me, positively.

Why don’t I feel comfortable with myself in the quiet?
Historic uneasiness and Fear. Feeling trapped in the past even though I am moving forwards. There is an inner dark place that I am constantly running from and I am trying now to understand it now.

What is this inner dark place I am avoiding?
Self-hatred. Self-loathing. It is doubt of myself and feeling that I am inadequate.

Why do I feel inadequate?
Because I remember all the times I couldn’t do things, Couldn’t function, Couldn’t perform, Couldn’t work, Couldn’t please others, Couldn’t be liked.

And do you see that a lot of those “couldn’t”s are just assumptions about situations and prejudgements of the opinions of others?
Yes I see that. I want to walk away from that – pain – and yet it all feels so comfortable that I don’t want to leave.

What is the worst thing that could happen?
That I cannot function, that I am stuck in depression or frozen in fear. That nobody likes me, or loves me, or gives me attention. That I will be alone, all on my own with no-one to care for me.

Why do you need someone else to care for you?
Because Ive spent so long fighting to be noticed, that I’m exhausted and hurting and I don’t know what to do anymore to be happy.

What if I said that you don’t need others to be happy? And that you can love yourself and feel everything you need provided from within your heart?
I don’t believe that. Everyone is looking for someone to love and be loved by and they are unhappy when they don’t get that. I don’t want to be like them.

OK. This is big stuff. This is strong stuff. Powerful and unsettling and I understand that. But I want you to know that you are loved. By others and by me. These fears are real to you, but they are based on errors of judgement. There is a much more positive energy environment around you, if you can tap into that, you will see the more positive truth. I want you to focus on that, the more positive energy around you. Consider it, feel it, leave space for it to seep deep into your being and carry you to a more comfortable place of existence. This is already happening as you take in these words, let it continue. Let it be the only preoccupation for your mind. Let it shelter you from the dark places. Let it be your guiding light. A light of hope. A way of living that you will be proud of and comfortable with. For this is you. You are already this. Just let the cloudiness clear from your vision and see the truth of the awesomeness that your life is.

Understanding Real Friendship.

abandoned

The trauma of my childhood
That no-one was ever there for me
Consistently, patiently, lovingly
No-one to talk with
About the confusion of life
Trying to learn what it all meant
And how it all worked
I developed my own coping
But now those inexperienced patterns
Are more harmful than beneficial.
35 years later
I am relearning healthy ways
Helping myself most days
But still sometimes
Falling into a deep hole, where
Blinded by darkness and isolation
I am lost.
The difference now is friends
People I trust enough
People who care enough
Unconditionally, openly,
Fully respond to my cries
Support me through the terrors
And gently pull me out afterwards.
Finally feeling love
Enables self-love to grow
Learning self-support
Is a terrifying new experience
But the backup from my friends
Lends me enough strength
That no matter how much I slip backwards
Each day steps forwards can be made.

.

I shared this with a select few of my friends, those that have been of big assistance in the past year, to express gratitude in my own way. These words are like a photo or picture, conveying a snapshot of one moment’s relevance to my whole life. There is so much more, there always is, just as there is a world beyond the edges of a photograph. But taking it all in is overwhelming. So this little view tells a story, makes a few connections, and leaves the rest open for interpretation.

“When you have only felt able to truly rely on yourself, real friendship can seem strange.”

If I Write Tonight.

If I write tonight
Vile anger will spew
The past and the now
Will present themselves
In the darkest of cloaks
To openly revel in
My frustrations
And hallucinations
Of life
And love.
So
In preservation of sanity
And preventing my depravity
I withhold.
Take hold my direction
And guide introspection
To beneficial creation
Tonight’s dedication
Is to me.
Creating freedom
Is not my intent
But I am hell-bent
On improving my lot.
I am not,
letting habits destructive
Divert my directive
Of improving perspective
And building
A new way of thinking.
No sinking
If at all possible
Wherever I am capable
A force unstoppable
Will focus the light
On my heart
Keep it bright
For as long as required.
Now,
that I am tired
The words that inspired
Have fought their way forward
Found healthy location
My despair cessation
Thoughts open
To negotiation
No finalisation
Of this life
Yet.
There will be tomorrow
Appeasement or sorrow
I face it
Embrace it
This is all there is
All the moments
Are mine
And yours.
Let’s not waste
Let’s not haste
Let us just taste
The pure essence
Of our very presence
Where,
we can
Just
Be

I Remember Touch.

When doubts assail me
When I feel even further away
from the person closest to me
When I struggle with my own
mental physical feedback interactions
Life goes quiet
Tries to lock me away in isolation
To punish me or to send me mad
Keep sharp objects away from me
don’t let me near that ledge
I need hands to wrap around me tight
To hold me secure and safe
in comfort and love
To remind me that I mean something
when I feel like nothing
Convince me that I matter
When all I see
is the blank space where I used to be
Walk through it and feel nothing
because I’m curled up over here
a tiny ball in the dark corner
Out of harm’s way
out of everyone’s way
Pull me into the light
Let it warm me while you soothe me
Keep me company
A touch to remember.

Continental Drift.

An extra set of hands
to soothe and comfort
to touch and care for you.
I cannot share enough love
the contents of my heart, strain
through these ten points of contact
Can I reach you enough
to make a difference?
My influence searching
through your darkness
Moulding your nothingness
into a solid
we can both feel.
Feelings to connect
to join you to me
so that you don’t drift away
again, forever.

.

[ I wrote this for myself, Words and feelings that I need right now, While thinking about how it could be for me. And a thankyou to Natalie for the inspiration. ]

Where There is Anxiety.

20140614-201415.jpg
I need to let it out, get it out, try and decompress all the build-up inside me.
A big part of today was spent helping organise my brother to find/decide on a new place to live. He’s been living with Mum for 6 years and she has sold the house to move into something smaller. Time was running short for my brother. He wasn’t coping with choices and decisions and on top of that we felt he was a suicide risk. Cousins K+B have helped a lot today, finding a friend with a rental flat that is vacant this week, offering to help with moving, background organising. Cousin B is exhausted with her own issues at the moment but she has helped all she can. My cousin’s anxiety, my brother’s anxiety, my own anxiety.

Just over a week ago, some important future planning/financial questions were posed by my partner and I realised in that moment that I couldn’t answer. That I actually couldn’t process the questions to begin to consider possible responses. I was filled with paralysing terror and anxiety – partly of the impact of the questions and partly because I realised I was incapable of dealing with it. I sort of broke mentally. I felt completely terrified, lost and flooded with self negativity as a result of it all.

I reached out to my Cousin B, and a couple close friends. They helped me through while I dealt with all these new unpleasant feelings. Recommendations to see my doctor and get a referral to somewhere that can help with counselling.

So after a long weekend waiting to get to see my local doctor, I am now on a new medication Desvenlafaxine. It’s been about 7 years since I have had to take any strong prescription drugs, and I’m feeling a bit uncomfortable about it. But I understand that this is a way forward that works for many people and I hope it works well for me without significant side effects. There are a few unpleasant passing symptoms as levels build up in my body.

I will give this a go. I have experienced a severe anxiety episode, and it is a symptom of my current condition. I believe it is treatable and that in time I will feel better. I realise I am exhausted emotionally, mentally, physically. After all my ill-health experiences last year, prolonged testing and diagnosis, then my father being very ill and eventually passing away, and then dealing with his estate and helping his partner through initial grieving period this year. All this time putting myself out there, time and energy, giving to others, with little consideration for myself – that’s just who I am.

I realise tonight as I got home and just wanted to cry, that I need to give myself time to rest, recover. I need to just shut off the outside world and let the quietness reach into me. I need to find my own peace and not worry about others or even about myself. I just need to trust that I am doing the best I can for others and for myself.

So I haven’t been as active around here as I would have liked – energy levels have been severely limited. But I will not let that upset me. It is what it is. I have been focussing on me in a way that will move me forwards, in time, and maybe this was the only way that I would come to an understanding of what I needed to see about myself.

Thankyou for reading this. I know I may have missed some of your posts, but I trust that the important words will reach me one way or another. And I hope that you can also find what you need to see to move forwards. Whether that is an eye-opening realisation, a small glimpse of hope, or a little encouragement. And if you need help, if you can’t cope on your own, keep reaching out until someone responds.

Normal service will resume in time. Be well.

Turbulence.

Today
I acknowledge my lowness
I accept that there are times
when a single positive thought cannot be found
And I endeavour
To pull myself through
to step forwards
in any direction
to move myself from this space
and find something within me
that I can hold onto

I thought giving myself space
to think and feel
would bring a clarity
and positivity to my life
Instead it has brought a flood
of emotional realisations
that hurt more
because they are new and unfamiliar

I cried on the London Underground
Bakerloo line
Closed my eyes and looked inward
to really delve into what I was feeling
Eyelids wet,
a single tear rolled down my left cheek
Still I held myself close
and just experienced it
as fully as I could.
And I discovered,
the pain wasn’t as bad
as I had imagined
On this cold, cold day
Feeling the slightest warmth
of love
from caring about myself