Have You Eaten (Enough)?

Munch munch munch. Feed the hungry body that craves something passing for sustenance. Shove the food in with purpose to satisfy desire. There is no pausing to appreciate the moment, nor to savour the experience, only a need to fill. A need to fill the body to pass off the soul as satisfied. 

And it doesn’t. Hollowness and emptiness sit hand in hand during this indulgence laid bare through its lack of mindfulness.

There are lessons here. And I vaguely sense their outline. But I’m too tired to make any sense from them. Too tired of feeding this ever hungriness that sits within me. 

The Ego is never satisfied. It only ever wants the attention, wants to win, wants to be the focus and the purpose. It wants and wants and wants.

So I will acknowledge that part of me for what it is. I will calmly turn my attention away from the brash forcefulness, towards the quiet part of me. The part that will accept all that I have, will accept all that there is around me and within me right now. The way that feeds my soul in a more lasting manner.

And I may sit here in the quiet for a while. But most likely I will just fall asleep and dream of days without confusion. Dream of straight forward days where clear communication begets an inner calm to all around me.

 ∞︎∞︎∞︎∞︎∞︎

[ My diary tells me yesterday was the fifth anniversary of starting this blog. I’m unsure these days whether that date was when I setup and posted my first story/poem, or if it is the date of my first (backdated) entry. Either way, I glance back and see five years of change, of growth. I am forever greatful to my friend H.C. who encouraged me to start this, and to the incredibly creative community who have supported me the whole journey so far. ]

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This Body and Precious Mind.

This disconnect I feel
Between body and mind
Between where I want to be and currently exist
This is neither fault, brokenness, nor mistake
This is today’s journey
Through whatever my health brings
Through whatever my body can manage
Through whatever my mind unearths
And at least my mind is temperable
I can shift my perspective
Choose how to think and how to feel.
Today my writing is non-specific
Today I steer clear of painful emotions
Choosing not to amplify them with attention
Right now I choose my path for today
Revelling in the opportunity to do so
Today clarity is my friend
Today all pain is fleeting
As I maintain this precious vessel
This body and mind.

[ 3 October 2017 ]

Advice You Never Asked For.

I admit I don’t know your full story. 

But I encourage you to write because of my own experiences of that being a hugely beneficial path to take. 

When I was depressed for years, 

frequently suicidal, for years

when writing was my only emotional outlet, I pushed through it all and eventually pushed out through all the hurt into something that was truly a little bit beautiful amidst the terrible darkness. 

It was on the advice of a dear friend I started blogging. Fear made me keep it anonymous. But what I met was a writing community that embraced me and encouraged me in every way. I found friends who taught me about understanding and grief, about strength and persistence, about discovery and perseverance.

And I am forever grateful for that experience. 

I see now how I pushed myself through the fear. Partly out of fear of the darkness, but mostly because ALWAYS inside me, no matter what other shit was going on, there was the tiniest spark of light that guided me onwards. Perhaps it was a genetic gift from my mother, of hope or optimism. Perhaps it was the repeated words of a few close friends who reminded me during those darkest times that it wouldn’t last, that life will get better, that I deserved better, that just hanging on for another minute is all I needed to do in the moment. 

How can I not be grateful for experiencing that genuine expression of love from people I’ve only known for a few years?!

And now it’s my time to shine for myself, and for others. It’s my time to pass on the love. To “pay it forward” to someone else. Not out of any duty, or karma, just because its who I am. Simple, honest, caring for other humans. (And because, well, in that place, there are new lessons for me too.)

So I don’t know what you want in your life, what your personal goals are. But I see you already caring for and discovering yourself in many ways. We all want to “be better” or perhaps just “feel better”. While that path is a very personal choice, I see you finding your way forwards already.

And I just want to encourage you to do, and to keep doing, whatever it takes to maintain forward momentum in your life.

I encourage you past the fears in whatever way it takes, because that is just the way forwards. 

Don’t be afraid. Just be who you need to be.

=

[ feature/title image aerial photography of Mona Vale Beach, Australia, by Bo Le @safromabove ]

A Deep Conversation with Myself. 

Why do I feel alone on my own?
Because I gain a great deal of energy from connecting with other people and I fell that I don’t get that on my own.

Why don’t I receive that connection on my own?
Because I feel inadequate with my own thoughts. There seems to be nothing to reinforce me, positively.

Why don’t I feel comfortable with myself in the quiet?
Historic uneasiness and Fear. Feeling trapped in the past even though I am moving forwards. There is an inner dark place that I am constantly running from and I am trying now to understand it now.

What is this inner dark place I am avoiding?
Self-hatred. Self-loathing. It is doubt of myself and feeling that I am inadequate.

Why do I feel inadequate?
Because I remember all the times I couldn’t do things, Couldn’t function, Couldn’t perform, Couldn’t work, Couldn’t please others, Couldn’t be liked.

And do you see that a lot of those “couldn’t”s are just assumptions about situations and prejudgements of the opinions of others?
Yes I see that. I want to walk away from that – pain – and yet it all feels so comfortable that I don’t want to leave.

What is the worst thing that could happen?
That I cannot function, that I am stuck in depression or frozen in fear. That nobody likes me, or loves me, or gives me attention. That I will be alone, all on my own with no-one to care for me.

Why do you need someone else to care for you?
Because Ive spent so long fighting to be noticed, that I’m exhausted and hurting and I don’t know what to do anymore to be happy.

What if I said that you don’t need others to be happy? And that you can love yourself and feel everything you need provided from within your heart?
I don’t believe that. Everyone is looking for someone to love and be loved by and they are unhappy when they don’t get that. I don’t want to be like them.

OK. This is big stuff. This is strong stuff. Powerful and unsettling and I understand that. But I want you to know that you are loved. By others and by me. These fears are real to you, but they are based on errors of judgement. There is a much more positive energy environment around you, if you can tap into that, you will see the more positive truth. I want you to focus on that, the more positive energy around you. Consider it, feel it, leave space for it to seep deep into your being and carry you to a more comfortable place of existence. This is already happening as you take in these words, let it continue. Let it be the only preoccupation for your mind. Let it shelter you from the dark places. Let it be your guiding light. A light of hope. A way of living that you will be proud of and comfortable with. For this is you. You are already this. Just let the cloudiness clear from your vision and see the truth of the awesomeness that your life is.

Understanding Real Friendship.

abandoned

The trauma of my childhood
That no-one was ever there for me
Consistently, patiently, lovingly
No-one to talk with
About the confusion of life
Trying to learn what it all meant
And how it all worked
I developed my own coping
But now those inexperienced patterns
Are more harmful than beneficial.
35 years later
I am relearning healthy ways
Helping myself most days
But still sometimes
Falling into a deep hole, where
Blinded by darkness and isolation
I am lost.
The difference now is friends
People I trust enough
People who care enough
Unconditionally, openly,
Fully respond to my cries
Support me through the terrors
And gently pull me out afterwards.
Finally feeling love
Enables self-love to grow
Learning self-support
Is a terrifying new experience
But the backup from my friends
Lends me enough strength
That no matter how much I slip backwards
Each day steps forwards can be made.

.

I shared this with a select few of my friends, those that have been of big assistance in the past year, to express gratitude in my own way. These words are like a photo or picture, conveying a snapshot of one moment’s relevance to my whole life. There is so much more, there always is, just as there is a world beyond the edges of a photograph. But taking it all in is overwhelming. So this little view tells a story, makes a few connections, and leaves the rest open for interpretation.

“When you have only felt able to truly rely on yourself, real friendship can seem strange.”

If I Write Tonight.

If I write tonight
Vile anger will spew
The past and the now
Will present themselves
In the darkest of cloaks
To openly revel in
My frustrations
And hallucinations
Of life
And love.
So
In preservation of sanity
And preventing my depravity
I withhold.
Take hold my direction
And guide introspection
To beneficial creation
Tonight’s dedication
Is to me.
Creating freedom
Is not my intent
But I am hell-bent
On improving my lot.
I am not,
letting habits destructive
Divert my directive
Of improving perspective
And building
A new way of thinking.
No sinking
If at all possible
Wherever I am capable
A force unstoppable
Will focus the light
On my heart
Keep it bright
For as long as required.
Now,
that I am tired
The words that inspired
Have fought their way forward
Found healthy location
My despair cessation
Thoughts open
To negotiation
No finalisation
Of this life
Yet.
There will be tomorrow
Appeasement or sorrow
I face it
Embrace it
This is all there is
All the moments
Are mine
And yours.
Let’s not waste
Let’s not haste
Let us just taste
The pure essence
Of our very presence
Where,
we can
Just
Be

I Remember Touch.

When doubts assail me
When I feel even further away
from the person closest to me
When I struggle with my own
mental physical feedback interactions
Life goes quiet
Tries to lock me away in isolation
To punish me or to send me mad
Keep sharp objects away from me
don’t let me near that ledge
I need hands to wrap around me tight
To hold me secure and safe
in comfort and love
To remind me that I mean something
when I feel like nothing
Convince me that I matter
When all I see
is the blank space where I used to be
Walk through it and feel nothing
because I’m curled up over here
a tiny ball in the dark corner
Out of harm’s way
out of everyone’s way
Pull me into the light
Let it warm me while you soothe me
Keep me company
A touch to remember.