How does it Feel?

It feels like the start of a new journey while tangled in the old one
It feels like mountain climbing and gliding down the other side in a bicycle
It feels like finding new friends and suddenly losing them again
It feels like every mistake I’ve ever made arriving at once
It feels like emotional exhaustion and fresh energy
It feels like new music and sad songs
It feels like missing meals and discovering a picnic in the garden
It feels like a new book and worn pages with turned corners
It feels like stormy winds and sunshine on my face
It feels like crying and receiving comfort from your best friend
It feels like anticipation and collapsing on the floor
It feels like fresh sheets and staying too long in bed
It feels like soft pillows and a comfy sofa
It feels like nerves before a great performance
It feels like a skin pamper and removing a splinter
It feels like brick walls and open doorways
It feels like colourful paintings and dusty old masters
It feels like lavishing attention on the cat and not being clawed
It feels like light at the end of the tunnel and minding your steps over the rocks and tracks
It feels like a triumphant fanfare over a steady drumbeat
It feels like your suggestion from last week suddenly sitting perfectly within my plans
It feels like decorating the Christmas tree and not minding the worn faded tinsel
It feels like looking at your own reflection and wanting to see where today might go
It feels like the texture of touching this sculpture and knowing it can never be moved
It feels like finally caring for yourself, no matter what happens.

Breaking UnRules Before Midnight.

It’s that time of the the night when the world has gone quiet around me, my brain has cleared of daytime clutter and I want to just sit into the night and write. 

A sleepy brain is actually a benefit to creativity as all the normal barriers and rules have melted away. 

I can access deep, intuitive words and thoughts. 

But the downside is that I push past my need to sleep which becomes problematic tiredness the next day. 

So instead tonight I will lay down my writing devices and attend to my body’s need for rest. 

And tomorrow, perhaps the inspiration will have built up and there will be greater creativity at play.

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This Is Not A Manifest.

Time to sit and process. Take stock of the present me, and recent thought encounters.

I need to look after myself. I need to make decisions in my life that are the best for me, irrespective of how much that may* hurt others. There is no point in letting myself suffer for the sake of the perceived* comfort of others.

I believe my ongoing health issues are largely a result of the stress of my profound unhappiness. Said unhappiness being largely the result of a relationship that has not been fulfilling me for some time (10 years or thereabouts).

I have made my best efforts at the time to resolve the relationship issues. I have worked on myself. I have attempted to guide my wife. We have been to counselling together. I have made many attempts to open discussions about our relationship. And all through I have seen her narrow view. I don’t know whether her refusal to engage with me (verbally and emotionally) at the level I need is out of fear or a lack of understanding.

I have stepped back and left space for growth. I have engaged fully to encourage growth. At times I have also pushed heavily for growth. Ultimately for me though, this has all been relatively futile. Which has resulted in negativity calling me out as a failure. I know this is not true. I have been battling to believe that I have done the best I can and that the negativity is a lie.

I do not believe in static relationships. I believe we grow daily with every experience, every challenge to our thoughts, every discovery within and outside of our mind. I believe significant growth comes through shared experiences with others. I believe that resisting change is ultimately hurtful to oneself, and that resistance is usually based on fears. I believe love is the basis for all good things.

I know that no matter what happens, what occurs, or what choices I make, that I have good friends who will support me. I trust them, as I have appreciated their response to my opening up about depression. And they have explicitly stated their support of me.

I have nothing to fear but fear itself.

I am pleased with my personal growth. I identify aspects of my personality that have changed significantly, especially in recent years and I am proud of the person I am. I have surrounded myself with amazingly supportive, genuine and fun people, whose company I thoroughly enjoy. I am proud of my growth as a writer and artist.

I have come to realise that all I ever wanted in life, is in fact right there surrounding me already and I only have to reach out for it.

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Ten Things of Thankful. (30 July 2016 edition)

It’s been a busy week with lack of sleep and some emotional realisations, and I am thankful for:

  1. Positive energy and self belief to propel myself through each day at a time.
  2. A senior pet rabbit (Mr.Poppy) who takes his arthritis medication every time even though it tastes unpleasant. I put the pieces of tablet inside a dried sultana and give him his fresh vegetables straight after. He is adapting so well to old age.
  3. A cheeky pet rabbit (Nigella) who despite being unable to spend close time with her housemate, will come to me for attention and settle down, eyes closed, enjoying the moment. It works both ways.
  4. Access to fresh, quality vegetables, eggs and fish. Most of it produced locally or interstate. Much of it organic. I don’t have to worry about the chemicals that are used in food production in nearby countries and then cheaply imported.
  5. Good friends within my social groups, who are always ready for a good chat and are receptive when I need to honestly express myself. Good friends who bring laughter and fun into my social life when I have difficulty finding that within.
  6. Emotional breathing space, that let me find again some lost inner truth, that let me see important messages clearly, that gives me hope whatever the outcome. 
  7. Online/overseas friends (Hi Abbie) with who I can share my deepest pain and confusion and receive understanding and love in return.
  8. Creatively brainstorming and collaborating with similar creative people (Hi again Abbie) that challenges my routine and comfort zone and ultimately leaves me feeling more fulfilled.
  9. A flexible work environment that lets me have slow, late mornings, and take time to sit and write as the need arises.
  10. Local friends who I trust and believe, who encourage me when I need to hear it, and who tell me I am loved and valued when I need to hear it.

I am thankful for the opportunity to realise gratitude in my life.

What are you thankful today?

Journey. 3

And then I’m reminded “you are love, you are all that you need”. And as I contemplate these words, gentle answers come:

Maybe you don’t have the words for yourself today. But you have trust. You have hope. You have love. All these are already inside you, they ARE you. Be content in the knowledge that what you need is already available to you.

And with these words, I see that I have the answers. They just weren’t the answers I was expecting.

(20 July 2016)

Thinking Through Clarity.

I wonder.
I question why it is such a struggle to care for myself.
I observe my own situation, with compassion and curiosity,
and look for explanations, understanding, answers.
I feel the inner pain that is so common –
When it feels that I don’t know how to look after myself internally –
Am I seeking attention, love in a way that I understand,
from childhood experiences?
I question my early experiences with acceptance
I don’t recall those feelings,
I remember quite the opposite.
Religious instruction that constantly threatened punishment
A strict father who only saw black and white, right and wrong,
and failed to see past his preconception of a situation
Yes, he loved, but
I don’t remember a loving, supportive atmosphere.
And while I have come to an acceptance of my adult life experiences
I wonder about my childhood experiences
I search for memories, or thoughts, of
The type of loving care that I need to give myself Now.
Maybe this struggle to pull forth loving consideration for myself
Is due to a lack of experience,
A lack of early grounding in these lessons for myself
And maybe anyone trying to help me needs to remember this
Maybe I need to remember this
And be gentle, be understanding,
Be compassionate with myself, when
I struggle to treat myself in a way that others take for granted.

Once Again…

The only thing that gets me through the pounding lies in my head
Is distilling all these feelings into words
Creating something, that is significant to me
Even when no other person seems to comprehend its value.

And I long to connect with someone
To feel less alone, to feel that someone else understands
To feel less crazy, less damaged, less broken
I long to hear words that remind me I am real and that I matter.

Helpless And Upset.

Today
From the moment I awakened
My thoughts turned on me
Pummelling and belittling me
And I was helpless to defend myself
My body crashed
As my spirit was crushed

Tonight
I feel terrible for having
So many days where
I just can’t function
Because I know
The pressure that it puts
On both myself and my wife
On life.

(9:26 pm)