The thing is, most of the time I have no idea what I’m doing.
There’s certainly no devious plotting.
There’s no following the path in front of me, because I have no idea where I am and no idea where I’m going.
Mostly I just try to get through the day with as little damage as possible.
Yes I take any opportunity to brighten someone else’s day, because I care about other people.
I know what it’s like to feel alone, unloved, and to feel like you are not worth any effort from yourself or from others.
There is a deep dark loathing black hole down there, and most days I just want to keep myself as far from its reach as possible.
Plenty of days I fail to manage that.
Eventually, I take one little step forwards each day, to build up momentum and keep moving forwards.
How much do I care about you? That depends on the day, but generally quite a lot. The love you share with me is absorbed, added to and reflected back. My creation of original love is scarce, because of the energy it requires, and because of the emotional process required.
[ original photo by @xisarahix on instagram ]
Realising this morning that I’ve been sitting in fear these past weeks.
I’ve been fighting it, resisting it, trying so hard to be right.
Worrying about long-term relationships; about the new and subtly about the past.
Through all the “what ifs” “shoulds” and “was I right?” I found a place this morning. A little bit of comfort, perhaps some resolution, and definitely a way forward from here.
From 13th Century philosopher Rumi:
“Out beyond the ideas of right-doing and wrong-doing there is a field – I’ll meet you there.”
This is the place where I will sit down, to spend some time, to talk through my life with other humans.
Because the biggest gift I can grant myself, and the biggest gift anyone else can give me right now, is to sit (with me) and consider my life so far – without judgement.
I question why it is such a struggle to care for myself.
I observe my own situation, with compassion and curiosity,
and look for explanations, understanding, answers.
I feel the inner pain that is so common –
When it feels that I don’t know how to look after myself internally –
Am I seeking attention, love in a way that I understand,
from childhood experiences?
I question my early experiences with acceptance
I don’t recall those feelings,
I remember quite the opposite.
Religious instruction that constantly threatened punishment
A strict father who only saw black and white, right and wrong,
and failed to see past his preconception of a situation
Yes, he loved, but
I don’t remember a loving, supportive atmosphere.
And while I have come to an acceptance of my adult life experiences
I wonder about my childhood experiences
I search for memories, or thoughts, of
The type of loving care that I need to give myself Now.
Maybe this struggle to pull forth loving consideration for myself
Is due to a lack of experience,
A lack of early grounding in these lessons for myself
And maybe anyone trying to help me needs to remember this
Maybe I need to remember this
And be gentle, be understanding,
Be compassionate with myself, when
I struggle to treat myself in a way that others take for granted.
“The Hummingbird Speaks.”
This is not a problem
This is a situation
That requires care
Let go of causes
They are not your concern
Focus on a loving way
This precious body
That experiences it all
I know this is difficult
is not to survive
But to thrive through it all
To be truly alive
No matter what
You have proven
silver linings in each day
With a little focus
Now find a way
To truly live each day
For a time
By the energy it creates
Not the energy it takes
Let this new focus
Let this new challenge
Give your life back
Surprised by an exhausted day, mostly in bed. Got up this morning, but I don’t exactly remember what happened. It’s all a bit of a delirious blur until about 3pm.
I didn’t fret about it. Maybe I was too tired for anything other than acceptance. But I remember directing myself away from “woe is me” thoughts at some point in the morning and searching for a helpful state of mind.
So I opened myself up to guidance while feeling the struggle, and received these words above from my better self.
For more about the hummingbird state read this.
Grateful today for an opportunity to rest and inner guidance that draws me forwards with positivity.
What do you say to yourself when you are struggling?
falling asleep on the bathroom floor
head on knees while writing
holed away for solitude
an escape from the world
cold tiles and sparse furnishings
let my mind clear of clutter
so I can reach in deep
below the busy surface
and find what’s really going on
unpleasant, but necessary
uncovering painful feelings
I want to dig it out
to leave a fresh clean me
damaged, but recovering
if only it was that easy
if only I had the knowledge
and skill of a surgeon
instead of these shaky, uncertain hands
Searching for meaningful words
Connecting with others through words
Finding myself in words
Surviving with only words
Stop – then observe words
Distance yourself from words
Feel the space around words
And place the words as they need
(22 March 2015)
[ the weekend has been a battle against letting melancholy drag me deeper into darkness, and combined with exhaustion, there seemed nothing left to save me except writing. Even that felt haphazard and difficult, until my friend Helen wisely suggested “observe the words”. . . ]
image: Pygmy Owl – Sam Nielson
The Trigger Story:
I was fortunate to attend a most wonderful wedding in the Adelaide Hills town of Hahndorf on Sunday. A garden wedding at the Bride’s parent’s house, with a long garden down to a dry creek, locks of green grass and shady trees. Perfect weather, warm, sunny with a light breeze. The perfect location for everyone to relax, barefoot on picnic rugs and cushions, with local wine and shared food platters.
I enjoyed the time catching up with my wife’s work colleagues, who I know quite well after a number of years, as well as the Groom’s brothers and friends. Meeting and talking with the familiar faces and a bunch of awesome new acquaintances. It was, for me, the perfect day to relax and the best wedding guest experience I have ever had and I heard a number of people express similar sentiments.
As a whole I had very good personal experiences from Friday night right through to Sunday evening. Experiences that reinforced positive aspects of myself and my vision for how I want life to be.
The following writing is what came out over the weekend from my myriad of experiences. It seeped out through my pores and presented itself secretly and boldly to me. It is very significant and I am unsure how to hold onto this revealed truth and keep it as the realest part of me.
Occasionally I see the me
That I know I am wholeheartedly
That feels real and genuinely
The uncomplicated and free
Person that I wish to be.
The Clear Thoughts:
I want to have people close around me that understand me or at least don’t belittle me, accept me without criticism, encourage me and question me in ways that propel me forwards. I want people around me that have my best interests at heart without any selfishness or ulterior motives.
My hat, my shoes, my bare foot, my glass of local sparkling Pinot Noir Rosé, the grass and other’s picnic blankets.
And if I write, will you come clear?
Will all the madness disappear?
I seek a quiet restful place
I slash and burn the words in place
I need my freedom granted now
To find my own way out somehow
(25 February 2015)
I want to be
I want to be
without your static
(27 December 2014)