All I Have Left [is Words].

Searching for meaningful words
Connecting with others through words
Finding myself in words
Surviving with only words
Stop – then observe words
Distance yourself from words
Feel the space around words
And place the words as they need

(22 March 2015)

.

[ the weekend has been a battle against letting melancholy drag me deeper into darkness, and combined with exhaustion, there seemed nothing left to save me except writing. Even that felt haphazard and difficult, until my friend Helen wisely suggested “observe the words”. . . ]

image: Pygmy Owl – Sam Nielson

Darkness Talking To Me.

Today just got beyond my ability to manage. I feel so low and so dark and pushing that all aside seems the only way to get by right now – as much as I hate the consequences of doing so.

So much of my life has been upset, uncomfortable, distressed, distraught, depressed, alone… When these feelings jump up again it knocks me down horribly. It scares me to be in this space again. I loathe it so much and I’d do anything to not be there/here.

Feeling like a failure for not managing to embrace it all, as came to me on the weekend [previous post].

A close friend sent me these words tonight:
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And the I spotted these words as I flicked past Tumbler:
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Words reach out to me, and The Darkness denies every word of support I hear. I question it in order to understand what is going on, but it maintains silence to my investigation.

Will I survive tonight, Will I survive whatever tomorrow brings? I suspect I will, just as I have before many times. Yet unsettling doubt stems from the growing pain of experiencing this over and over again. And the desire to escape it all, to…
just
stop
hurting
…is so very strong.

Reading Back, Looking Forward.

I read words
of me
and yet,
I shun them
as they highlight
a side of me
that is presently uncomforting.
I don’t want to be
*there*
caught in the past.
Right now
I seek
clarity,
a path forwards
I seek,
motivation
enlightening.
I seek to find a new history.
Not denying it,
Just
not held back by it.
Interpretation
desires recalibration