Advice You Never Asked For.

I admit I don’t know your full story. 

But I encourage you to write because of my own experiences of that being a hugely beneficial path to take. 

When I was depressed for years, 

frequently suicidal, for years

when writing was my only emotional outlet, I pushed through it all and eventually pushed out through all the hurt into something that was truly a little bit beautiful amidst the terrible darkness. 

It was on the advice of a dear friend I started blogging. Fear made me keep it anonymous. But what I met was a writing community that embraced me and encouraged me in every way. I found friends who taught me about understanding and grief, about strength and persistence, about discovery and perseverance.

And I am forever grateful for that experience. 

I see now how I pushed myself through the fear. Partly out of fear of the darkness, but mostly because ALWAYS inside me, no matter what other shit was going on, there was the tiniest spark of light that guided me onwards. Perhaps it was a genetic gift from my mother, of hope or optimism. Perhaps it was the repeated words of a few close friends who reminded me during those darkest times that it wouldn’t last, that life will get better, that I deserved better, that just hanging on for another minute is all I needed to do in the moment. 

How can I not be grateful for experiencing that genuine expression of love from people I’ve only known for a few years?!

And now it’s my time to shine for myself, and for others. It’s my time to pass on the love. To “pay it forward” to someone else. Not out of any duty, or karma, just because its who I am. Simple, honest, caring for other humans. (And because, well, in that place, there are new lessons for me too.)

So I don’t know what you want in your life, what your personal goals are. But I see you already caring for and discovering yourself in many ways. We all want to “be better” or perhaps just “feel better”. While that path is a very personal choice, I see you finding your way forwards already.

And I just want to encourage you to do, and to keep doing, whatever it takes to maintain forward momentum in your life.

I encourage you past the fears in whatever way it takes, because that is just the way forwards. 

Don’t be afraid. Just be who you need to be.

=

[ feature/title image aerial photography of Mona Vale Beach, Australia, by Bo Le @safromabove ]

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All I Have Left [is Words].

Searching for meaningful words
Connecting with others through words
Finding myself in words
Surviving with only words
Stop – then observe words
Distance yourself from words
Feel the space around words
And place the words as they need

(22 March 2015)

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[ the weekend has been a battle against letting melancholy drag me deeper into darkness, and combined with exhaustion, there seemed nothing left to save me except writing. Even that felt haphazard and difficult, until my friend Helen wisely suggested “observe the words”. . . ]

image: Pygmy Owl – Sam Nielson

Darkness Talking To Me.

Today just got beyond my ability to manage. I feel so low and so dark and pushing that all aside seems the only way to get by right now – as much as I hate the consequences of doing so.

So much of my life has been upset, uncomfortable, distressed, distraught, depressed, alone… When these feelings jump up again it knocks me down horribly. It scares me to be in this space again. I loathe it so much and I’d do anything to not be there/here.

Feeling like a failure for not managing to embrace it all, as came to me on the weekend [previous post].

A close friend sent me these words tonight:
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And the I spotted these words as I flicked past Tumbler:
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Words reach out to me, and The Darkness denies every word of support I hear. I question it in order to understand what is going on, but it maintains silence to my investigation.

Will I survive tonight, Will I survive whatever tomorrow brings? I suspect I will, just as I have before many times. Yet unsettling doubt stems from the growing pain of experiencing this over and over again. And the desire to escape it all, to…
just
stop
hurting
…is so very strong.