Painful Self Realisation.

What does it mean?
This hole in my heart
this emptiness
this loneliness
that demotivates
melancholies me.
Part of me grieves
for the missing
human connection
I crave
and grieves for
my dependance
on others.
Wondering how
to find in myself
a love
that has been missing
my whole life.
I grieve for
four decades
of lovelessness
of struggle
Unconsciously questioning
“why don’t you love me”
and never really
loving myself.
Now I’m so weary
exhausted from
the eternal struggle
for acceptance
so tired.

===

Now I fully understand
The truth is clear in front of me
Before there was a knowing
Now the realisation hits home
I will never be happy
I will never be content
I will never reach my potential
While I rely on others
For the love that I need
While my core belief remains
That I am unlovable
And I need love from others
To feel worthy.
It seems too big to overcome
I blame myself only
As I cry inside
Feel hopeless and useless
As I fail at life.

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One Relationship for Two.

Today I realised

How much I know about her

And just how little I know about her

What she shares about herself

And just what she never lets out


Twenty one years on

And today it hits me

How much I have tried to know her

And just how little she has ever revealed

How much she hides herself away


Today I realised

A relationship is about growing together

Giving into and taking hold of each other intimately

Not just holding hands and talking

But losing yourselves in each other

Just the way that hasn’t happened

Twenty one years on

 
.

 
[ those of you with long-term relationship experience, what are your thoughts on the depth of a relationship? ]

Growing Pains.

When feeling overwhelmed
I need to remind myself
That I am not a failure
nor falling apart,

That I am surviving
and growing
Even through the hurt.

I am learning about myself
and revealing
my hidden innerness

Discovering that which
was buried
under layers
of world misinterpretation

For this realisation
I thank my close friends
real friends
with their own pain and suffering
but always the most genuine love in their hearts.

.

[dedicated with thanks to my dear friend Lisa, for today’s deep discussion and encouragemt]