Awake at 3am. Brain running, processing. Recent events, current events, in my life.
Feeling unhappy is the very first thought. I remember that because it surprised me, disturbed me.
It is sadness at the way A treated me last night, going to bed. Not much communication or care from her. I perceived it as harsh and negative. Ok, she was really tired and struggling with energy and I know that makes her grumpy. But really? I mean, every fooking time I get to deal with this. Which is usually multiple times per week. Most weeks. Her in a good mood, in the evening, is a rare thing. My perception.
She shut off the tv while I was still watching it, but in the process of organising myself towards bed. Yes she had prepared my hot water bottle as well as hers, that’s a rare concession to my needs. And it was her attitude, as it usually is, that bothers me. Maybe it’s a frustration at her own immediate situation/tiredness. But it feels like she takes it out on me. Whereas if “the tables were turned” I internalise those sorts of feelings and make a point not to inflict them on anyone else.
Why the difference between us and why should it bother me?
Big questions that I cannot answer right now. But enough to keep me awake in the middle of the night.
Maybe I feel like she is fed up with me being sick. Maybe I am fed up with her being a dick. I guess that I struggle to look past these “little things” she does, to see the bigger positive picture. Because it seems our life is full of these constant frictions, while I struggle to find the positives, struggle to see the love in a way that has meaning for me.
And I acknowledge this all 100%. Hey, if I’m “doing something wrong” I will be the first to try and make it right, to try and act and be the best sort of person I can. And she won’t do that. Because that would mean admitting in some context that she has “a fault”. And those thoughts lead her to feeling criticised, feeling unloved, because “she’s not ok the way she is” or something like that. You see, we never really get to talk about it. Because any suggestion in that direction leads to her shutting down emotionally, or reacting and starting to attack me with criticism about random past events.
It’s so sad to me. She won’t let me help her in any way. For years I tried to make helpful suggestions, in as positive a way as possible, for her life. And she mostly paid no heed to my input. But when she first started talking to a counsellor I was seeing, and they made the exact same suggestions that I had, well then it was time for her to act. I take that a little bit personally, in that, does she not trust me? Does she not believe me, or in my intentions all along?
But I don’t think that I create a whole grudge against her from that. I mean, I think about these things, I create awareness of myself, and I always try to be the best person I can. I make mistakes in the relationship, things I say, or do, or don’t do sometimes. But I try to learn from them and be better next time. Isn’t that just the best anyone can ever do as a human?
I don’t see her doing that. I don’t see her listening to what I say about us and making little course corrections along the way. What I see, mostly, is her reacting to what I say. Perhaps she thinks something like “I must change this otherwise he won’t love me any more”. And so a behavioural change happens and lasts for one or two weeks on average. Then I-don’t-know-what happens, perhaps dealing with life preoccupies her again (work stresses, money worries (did I mention it’s always about security for her?)), and it’s back to the way it was before.
Oh, there have been some changes for the better. Along the lines of, I-ask-for-100%-of-this, she-initially-gives-80%, later on with reminders of what we agreed she gives 10% more steadily. So I can’t say that she doesn’t make an effort. It’s just something about the whole situation, the whole pattern that I see over 20 years together, that leaves me quite uncomfortable, and sad.
And maybe that’s what is keeping me awake tonight. I tried. I try. But my energy reserves and enthusiasm wane after so long. I thought I could keep it up forever, let love fuel that push forwards. But love not returned as much as is given (and all this above, to me, is about love. “If she loves me she will…”) eventually wears me down. It’s all I know. It’s all I have the current knowledge to apply. It’s my best effort. So why do I feel this sharp pain in my gut, like all this hurt is stabbing me? This pain that I can’t rationalise. That I can’t think away or placate.
The reality of my situation Manifests itself within my physical body. No wonder I’ve been sick.
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