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3am Reality Manifest.

Awake at 3am. Brain running, processing. Recent events, current events, in my life.

Feeling unhappy is the very first thought. I remember that because it surprised me, disturbed me.

It is sadness at the way A treated me last night, going to bed. Not much communication or care from her. I perceived it as harsh and negative. Ok, she was really tired and struggling with energy and I know that makes her grumpy. But really? I mean, every fooking time I get to deal with this. Which is usually multiple times per week. Most weeks. Her in a good mood, in the evening, is a rare thing. My perception.

She shut off the tv while I was still watching it, but in the process of organising myself towards bed. Yes she had prepared my hot water bottle as well as hers, that’s a rare concession to my needs. And it was her attitude, as it usually is, that bothers me. Maybe it’s a frustration at her own immediate situation/tiredness. But it feels like she takes it out on me. Whereas if “the tables were turned” I internalise those sorts of feelings and make a point not to inflict them on anyone else.

Why the difference between us and why should it bother me?

Big questions that I cannot answer right now. But enough to keep me awake in the middle of the night.

Maybe I feel like she is fed up with me being sick. Maybe I am fed up with her being a dick. I guess that I struggle to look past these “little things” she does, to see the bigger positive picture. Because it seems our life is full of these constant frictions, while I struggle to find the positives, struggle to see the love in a way that has meaning for me.

And I acknowledge this all 100%. Hey, if I’m “doing something wrong” I will be the first to try and make it right, to try and act and be the best sort of person I can. And she won’t do that. Because that would mean admitting in some context that she has “a fault”. And those thoughts lead her to feeling criticised, feeling unloved, because “she’s not ok the way she is” or something like that. You see, we never really get to talk about it. Because any suggestion in that direction leads to her shutting down emotionally, or reacting and starting to attack me with criticism about random past events.

It’s so sad to me. She won’t let me help her in any way. For years I tried to make helpful suggestions, in as positive a way as possible, for her life. And she mostly paid no heed to my input. But when she first started talking to a counsellor I was seeing, and they made the exact same suggestions that I had, well then it was time for her to act. I take that a little bit personally, in that, does she not trust me? Does she not believe me, or in my intentions all along?

But I don’t think that I create a whole grudge against her from that. I mean, I think about these things, I create awareness of myself, and I always try to be the best person I can. I make mistakes in the relationship, things I say, or do, or don’t do sometimes. But I try to learn from them and be better next time. Isn’t that just the best anyone can ever do as a human?

I don’t see her doing that. I don’t see her listening to what I say about us and making little course corrections along the way. What I see, mostly, is her reacting to what I say. Perhaps she thinks something like “I must change this otherwise he won’t love me any more”. And so a behavioural change happens and lasts for one or two weeks on average. Then I-don’t-know-what happens, perhaps dealing with life preoccupies her again (work stresses, money worries (did I mention it’s always about security for her?)), and it’s back to the way it was before.

Oh, there have been some changes for the better. Along the lines of, I-ask-for-100%-of-this, she-initially-gives-80%, later on with reminders of what we agreed she gives 10% more steadily. So I can’t say that she doesn’t make an effort. It’s just something about the whole situation, the whole pattern that I see over 20 years together, that leaves me quite uncomfortable, and sad.

And maybe that’s what is keeping me awake tonight. I tried. I try. But my energy reserves and enthusiasm wane after so long. I thought I could keep it up forever, let love fuel that push forwards. But love not returned as much as is given (and all this above, to me, is about love. “If she loves me she will…”) eventually wears me down. It’s all I know. It’s all I have the current knowledge to apply. It’s my best effort. So why do I feel this sharp pain in my gut, like all this hurt is stabbing me? This pain that I can’t rationalise. That I can’t think away or placate.

The reality of my situation Manifests itself within my physical body. No wonder I’ve been sick.

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Awareness Questions in 2 Parts and A Sad Conclusion.

Standing back, to get a clearer picture of what is going on
Not yet ready to step away from it completely
Wanting to understand this territory of pain
But why?
And does that matter, does any of this really matter?
Does any of this questioning and searching serve me any more?
I notice the struggle to let go of this moment
What am I hanging onto?
Is this just fear of change, or something much more?
The current advisory is to just be with it all
Paying no mind to what can or cannot be managed on any given day
Being at ease with just needing to rest, or to just feel
Which sits very uncomfortably with me
With my need to feel productive, to feel active
Ponderous times that I must journey through
Before being able to step into the productive day
Is this moment in time the journey’s end or a fresh start?

•••

If I stop fighting (this war inside my head)
Does that mean I give up, or give in?
If I stop pushing and resisting the lies
What does that reality look like?
If I stop the active struggle, the result
Curling up in bed, withdrawing in fear
Unable to face the world through exhaustion
And inability to concentrate or function
Replacing one undesirable situation
With another.
A friend keeps mentioning acceptance
This word keeps crossing my consciousness
Imagining it might just work, I hesitate
So tired to find the energy for any action.
As a tear trickles down my left cheek
I contemplate my present, for my future.

•••

I just want future me to be happier
With life
To not be engulfed by pain
Physical and mental
It’s too late for present me
All has led to this current experience
Lost in the shroud of darkness.

Right here, Right now.

Thinking about myself
Attempting to resolve the pain
That strikes my heart again and again
My reactions to certain circumstances
Are visible and understandable.
Why can’t I leave this behind me
Move out of the cloud of hurt
Move on to a higher level of being.
Stuck in a circular rut
I stumble at the same bumps every time
Keeps hurting the same wound
No chance to heal what I feel.
To stop fighting this
To stop feeling the pain
Is to deny the very heart of me.
To compromise would be
To forever live with regret
Merely shifting one pain to another.
And while I don’t fully understand
The reasons for these circumstances
I blame myself
Too much most likely
Bearing the sole weight of responsibility
For the unhappiness I see.
And I know that is unfair
But I know not any other way
To exist in its midst.
So when my energy runs low
And negative self assessment flourishes
I feel helpless to help myself
Having tried all I am equipped with
Having stayed ahead of the cloud of hopelessness
I stumble and am shrouded in its darkness
I feel it’s freezing fear seep into me
And all goes dark.

Journey. 1

Each day this week I have made two steps forward, despite some individual step backs. I have defined a new positive framework for my thinking. And yet today I am aware of a distinct lack of self support or believable positive encouragement. It stands out in the midst of my otherwise positive focus. Exactly how do I find these words that I feel I need? Words that I never learnt as a child. Words that have been missing so much from my life. This morning my heart feels so empty, as a lonely sadness fills me.

Today I don’t remember. Today I want to rely on myself but find mostly emptiness instead.

(20 July 2016)

Days Of Abandonment.

Some days I am fearful for what feels likely to come
Fearful for the pain I experience
Fearful for feeling unable to cope
Fearful for wanting to give up
Fearful for a body and mind that collapse and fail me,
that abandon me where I stand,
leaving me naked and alone.

Not Quite a Meditation.

It’s okay to struggle
It’s okay to not have answers
It’s okay to not even know the questions.
See yourself getting up,
and taking one step forwards,
away from your thoughts
Where you are now is in the present
It is a good place to be
Let the moment guide you,
give you ideas,
give you a moment’s – breathing space.
Breathe,
That is good as well
There is strength in a breath
Let each breath carry away your thoughts
Let your mind be calm
Let your shoulders drop into rest
And let your body relax
Relax into each breath.
Where you are right now, is a good place,
a safe place.

At some point,
I lose my quiet space.
Life grabs hold of me, gently,
and pushes me around
I feel uncomfortable
I feel nauseous
I feel a pull towards frustration and anger.
I breathe
I focus on what matters to me,
not on what life suggests “should” matter.
Feelings pass eventually
Tiredness arrives,
the sort you can only push away for a few hours.
Caring for myself urges into priority
Plans for the day become questions instead
“What am I capable of today?”
“What do I need to do for myself?”
“How is my energy best spent?”
I decide to step forwards,
out of this moment,
and see what the day brings.

Thinking Through Clarity.

I wonder.
I question why it is such a struggle to care for myself.
I observe my own situation, with compassion and curiosity,
and look for explanations, understanding, answers.
I feel the inner pain that is so common –
When it feels that I don’t know how to look after myself internally –
Am I seeking attention, love in a way that I understand,
from childhood experiences?
I question my early experiences with acceptance
I don’t recall those feelings,
I remember quite the opposite.
Religious instruction that constantly threatened punishment
A strict father who only saw black and white, right and wrong,
and failed to see past his preconception of a situation
Yes, he loved, but
I don’t remember a loving, supportive atmosphere.
And while I have come to an acceptance of my adult life experiences
I wonder about my childhood experiences
I search for memories, or thoughts, of
The type of loving care that I need to give myself Now.
Maybe this struggle to pull forth loving consideration for myself
Is due to a lack of experience,
A lack of early grounding in these lessons for myself
And maybe anyone trying to help me needs to remember this
Maybe I need to remember this
And be gentle, be understanding,
Be compassionate with myself, when
I struggle to treat myself in a way that others take for granted.

Looking Past Thoughts, Looking To The Heart.

I think about myself tonight
About what has been going through my thoughts lately
And I’m left wondering why I’m so hard on myself
Judgemental. Harsh. Critical.
(Unintentionally) hurtful.
Where is the love for myself
That I so freely give to others?
What have I learnt, that makes me this way?
I see damage
I see the effect it has on me
And it brings me to tears.
How can I hold so much hate in my heart?
How can I direct so much negativity at myself?
I would feel ashamed, but I know that is just more judgement coming out
So I sit here on the floor, in silent contemplation
Attempting to be open to any answers
Listening for a voice of reason to rise out from the chaos
And I just feel
I know that loving myself is a requirement
But it’s surrounded with Should, Must, and Have-to
And that just doesn’t help at all.
.This situation.
I give it a label
Compartmentalise myself into a box
Contain the problem
And I know that is exactly the wrong approach
Punishment is not the path to freedom.
Some sort of openness
Freedom to let me exist within mistakes
Where errors are not a crime
Somewhere there, is where I will benefit.
No certainty, no answers
Only the call of my heart

A Letter from Inside the Struggle.

I don’t know who’s standards I’m trying to live up to. I just feel that 1½ productive hours in the office today is not enough, when I have jobs due to go out.

Maybe I am being hard on myself, I don’t know why that is so. I see it happening, but I can’t put together enough energy or thought to get past that observation. And so I feel helpless, or useless, or both. Maybe other people can find ways to switch their thoughts over to a more helpful, more positive direction. But for me Even a small amount of depression seems to make that an impossibility. 

Sometimes the best I can do is try and cope, try and get through whatever crisis or reaction is going on in my brain, try and survive to get to another day. 

What sort of messed up life is that? I don’t want to have that struggle every day with no end in sight. So often that is all I can see in front of me, and it’s not pretty. It’s not desirable in any way. It’s not something you want anyone else to have to feel or to go through. 

I could say I stand strong through it all, but that is nonsense. What I do is crumble, fall apart, and somehow just manage to not get washed away by the storm. The silent storm that nobody else sees, nobody else experiences. It leaves me wrecked and alone, locked inside my own head. 

And if I wasn’t able to express this all in words, I wouldn’t have survived thus far. 

Survival, how I hate that word. While it means life at the end, it also means the battle not to die. And I am so weary from battling. So drained from fighting, and for what? The chance to go through it all again? 

A vicious circle of perpetuation fills my sight tonight, as it does many other times. And seeing past, through, or around that to something else, seems beyond my present ability. 

So I thank you for listening, for thinking about what I say and for responding in a considerate manner that I truly appreciate. I apologise for my depression. I honestly wish there was some other way for me to be right now. And yet, here I am, in this unhappy place.

I hope you manage to be somewhere better.