Barely Believable.

Some days just suck,
Balls
Bollocks
Bugger.
But don’t let it take you over
Be Brave
The Battle is not over
Burdened as you are
Balance will come
Brightness is near
Beauty is already inside you.

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Looking Past Thoughts, Looking To The Heart.

I think about myself tonight
About what has been going through my thoughts lately
And I’m left wondering why I’m so hard on myself
Judgemental. Harsh. Critical.
(Unintentionally) hurtful.
Where is the love for myself
That I so freely give to others?
What have I learnt, that makes me this way?
I see damage
I see the effect it has on me
And it brings me to tears.
How can I hold so much hate in my heart?
How can I direct so much negativity at myself?
I would feel ashamed, but I know that is just more judgement coming out
So I sit here on the floor, in silent contemplation
Attempting to be open to any answers
Listening for a voice of reason to rise out from the chaos
And I just feel
I know that loving myself is a requirement
But it’s surrounded with Should, Must, and Have-to
And that just doesn’t help at all.
.This situation.
I give it a label
Compartmentalise myself into a box
Contain the problem
And I know that is exactly the wrong approach
Punishment is not the path to freedom.
Some sort of openness
Freedom to let me exist within mistakes
Where errors are not a crime
Somewhere there, is where I will benefit.
No certainty, no answers
Only the call of my heart

A Letter from Inside the Struggle.

I don’t know who’s standards I’m trying to live up to. I just feel that 1½ productive hours in the office today is not enough, when I have jobs due to go out.

Maybe I am being hard on myself, I don’t know why that is so. I see it happening, but I can’t put together enough energy or thought to get past that observation. And so I feel helpless, or useless, or both. Maybe other people can find ways to switch their thoughts over to a more helpful, more positive direction. But for me Even a small amount of depression seems to make that an impossibility. 

Sometimes the best I can do is try and cope, try and get through whatever crisis or reaction is going on in my brain, try and survive to get to another day. 

What sort of messed up life is that? I don’t want to have that struggle every day with no end in sight. So often that is all I can see in front of me, and it’s not pretty. It’s not desirable in any way. It’s not something you want anyone else to have to feel or to go through. 

I could say I stand strong through it all, but that is nonsense. What I do is crumble, fall apart, and somehow just manage to not get washed away by the storm. The silent storm that nobody else sees, nobody else experiences. It leaves me wrecked and alone, locked inside my own head. 

And if I wasn’t able to express this all in words, I wouldn’t have survived thus far. 

Survival, how I hate that word. While it means life at the end, it also means the battle not to die. And I am so weary from battling. So drained from fighting, and for what? The chance to go through it all again? 

A vicious circle of perpetuation fills my sight tonight, as it does many other times. And seeing past, through, or around that to something else, seems beyond my present ability. 

So I thank you for listening, for thinking about what I say and for responding in a considerate manner that I truly appreciate. I apologise for my depression. I honestly wish there was some other way for me to be right now. And yet, here I am, in this unhappy place.

I hope you manage to be somewhere better.

Trying to Feel what Others Share.

I don’t understand why some days I can function fine, be productive at work and home, and engage with other people in a meaningful way. And other days I fail at all those things, I struggle to get up, to get going, to think, to focus, to function in any normal sort of way.

It’s terribly upsetting. It leaves me feeling broken and useless. Can you see how much this affects me, how much it feels like it damages my mind and grinds me down into dark despair?

And this is just one aspect of what I deal with in my life, it’s just one thing that I could grab hold of long enough to write about tonight.

So when I’m tasked to find a positive focus for each day, to find three positive things about my life to start each day, That just feels like an impossibility most of the time. One more thing that I struggle with and can’t seem to manage – one more failure of me. I can’t seem to get my brain around this all. I struggle to find any way around the negative stumbling blocks I can see, to manage to latch onto anything much that is positive. I am trying to find a way forwards and I’m just not having much luck with any of that.

And it’s all about failing. I know in the counselling we talked about how failing is just learning a way that doesn’t work. That’s fine if you have the right mindset. But the way I grew up, Not getting it right, or failing, was a flaw – was something bad and something to be avoided at all costs. Because then came judgement and punishment. That’s what I know of life. So the fact that I can make any sort of effort forwards, to try something new or different, to help myself, is significant. But often it seems that effort uses up all my energy. I have nothing left to deal with the aftermath, or to make plans from that point onwards.

So I feel stuck and ill-equipped to help myself. And I’m not sure anyone trying to help me fully appreciates this. I’m not there for myself, and it seems others aren’t there for me. And loneliness despair closes in.

I know there are people there for me. I know there are friends who care and others who are willing to help me. But when I feel stuck, I tend to withdraw and not lean on them, because I’m not accustomed to having reliable caring people around me. My negative thoughts slide in early and isolate me with lies. But I don’t know enough to counteract the lies. They are the only story that gets regularly fed to me.

I’m putting all this out there, because I don’t know what else to do right now. I know I’m struggling. I know I’m not communicating with people around me very well. I know I’m not coping with life very well. I’m just writing out my heartfelt feelings in the hope that it is enough, to let someone else understand enough, to help me get back on a better path.

That’s all I long for right now. To know I’m on a better path and to know I’m not alone. But there is a big chasm between others’ actions and me actually knowing the feeling. And that’s where I continue to struggle.

Cutting And Growing.

[my photo: Remnants of Summer grapes lingered into Winter.]

Pruning the grapevines, through sunset, into dark. Finishing because there’s no more light to distinguish the dark grey vine bark from the shadows.

It all connects me back to my dad. The way he made use of that time of the day.

Pruning for fruit growth next year. Pruning for shape, for future direction.

Working on something right now, that you will only see the desired results for in six months’ time, or longer.

Yes there is a result right now. Clearing off the wood that has gone to sleep. Neatening the plant back to it’s strongest branches.

But it’s really all about that planning ahead. Where do you want it to be, next year, the year after that? Shaping with a future direction in mind. Not a specific goal so much as, assisting it into a better framework of future.

And isn’t that what we want with our own life? Making little adjustments now, a trim here, leave that little growth there to strengthen and bloom. I like to think that is what I only ever try to do with myself.

Yet in total honesty, mistakes are made. We cut off too much over here, we let that dead wood linger over there, we become “straggly” and misshapen. And then it takes some hard decisions, some drastic changes, to put ourselves back on the track that we really want.

Hey, that’s okay.

We all need to learn how best to care for ourselves.

And at some point, many of us will be very happy with what we see has, and continues to, grow.

But it is not “All or Nothing”. There is space to be happy with the growth over here, while still working out how best to deal with that branch over there.

Seasons come and go.

They always have and will continue to do so, for everyone. What remains important is this living thing that you look after.

Your core, what and who you choose to be.

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Need some pruning advice, or have a thought to contribute? Leave a few words below.

Wrong Way Go Back.

I’m tired of falling down, exhausted
Of not seeing progress around me
Of not feeling progress within me
I need help, and whom is there to ask
Who isn’t too busy or too unreliable?
And I’m unreliable, when my body decides
Today is too much
Overloaded and overstretched,
I snap back into a tight ball of
Misery. These undertakings that
I don’t have to do, but I want to,
I enjoy doing, and they ultimately
Are done for the best
And this is solely at home
Add paid employment into the mix, and
There are other needs, others’ needs,
My promises and paperwork
To keep it all working, and some days
I just can’t rise to the challenge
Some days I manage a few hours
And sme days I only manage myself
So it’s no wonder,
I constantly contemplate
My inner workings, my motivations
And finding no solid answers to stand upon
I stumble down into the rut
That catches my feet, that keeps me going
This way.

Black as Coal Dust.

Wanting to write words of meaning
Of guidance, love, and trust
And finding thoughts, instead
Preoccupied with pain, unease, and
Me.
No room for anythink else, when
Frequently preoccupied with
Thoughts of survival, escape,
Unhappiness.
Here, there is no magic kingdom
Only a coal face of hard work,
Struggle.
I want to dance, but
The headroom and atmosphere
Down here is so,
Oppressive.
Crushed by the very thought
Of a cave-in
While lighting a candle, will surely
Ignite the explosive dust
Surrounding me;
Safety
Is the only pain prevention
Ever drummed into me, and
There are pills for that
Tonics for your health
Yet they all fail to medicate
What matters to me
I grip the bottle tightly
But it’s gone,
Already emptied.
Weak muscles wish to unravel
This tightly coiled,
Personality.
I see bones, I see skin,
I see nothing within
And the shock of emptiness
Is all that carries through,
Carried back home.
Before everything else
There was nothing
And the future holds nothing, but
The contents of today.

Is There a Pearl Inside?

Trying to communicate
How I feel
Why I feel
While struggling to find
Positive feelings within me.

And I feel alone
While understanding is gone
I feel forgotten
While joy is distant memory.

So I hide inside
Within my shell
With all that I value
To protect the preciousness
That I hold deep
And just maybe
Some good will survive in here.

(31 May 2016)