Falling into a Moment.

Today, is just as times before. When I feel the pain of another’s story, long after my ears have heard. When I remember back to my own journeys through the pain of chronic ill-health. And the mental anguish of being unable to function for days, weeks, months. The self-imposed stresses. The very real stress of maintaining a relationship whilst unable to maintain yourself. Being unable to work, unable to generate income, unable to meet deadlines.
Unable. Disable. Needing more enable, but those days were rare.
I have known defeat, suffering, struggle, and loss. Somehow I have found my way out of those depths and stand here today.

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Pain reaches forwards
Up from the past
Clutching and dragging me
Back
Fearing all that
Now, as then

And I tell myself right now
These are emotional ghosts
They have no power over me
Except that which I give them.
Though I feel unsteady, unsafe
My comfort lies in others
Asking for help
Accepting supportive hands
Belief in my own inner strength.
These are my tools
With these now I survive
And prepare to thrive once more
This is my hope, my truth.

Advice You Never Asked For.

I admit I don’t know your full story. 

But I encourage you to write because of my own experiences of that being a hugely beneficial path to take. 

When I was depressed for years, 

frequently suicidal, for years

when writing was my only emotional outlet, I pushed through it all and eventually pushed out through all the hurt into something that was truly a little bit beautiful amidst the terrible darkness. 

It was on the advice of a dear friend I started blogging. Fear made me keep it anonymous. But what I met was a writing community that embraced me and encouraged me in every way. I found friends who taught me about understanding and grief, about strength and persistence, about discovery and perseverance.

And I am forever grateful for that experience. 

I see now how I pushed myself through the fear. Partly out of fear of the darkness, but mostly because ALWAYS inside me, no matter what other shit was going on, there was the tiniest spark of light that guided me onwards. Perhaps it was a genetic gift from my mother, of hope or optimism. Perhaps it was the repeated words of a few close friends who reminded me during those darkest times that it wouldn’t last, that life will get better, that I deserved better, that just hanging on for another minute is all I needed to do in the moment. 

How can I not be grateful for experiencing that genuine expression of love from people I’ve only known for a few years?!

And now it’s my time to shine for myself, and for others. It’s my time to pass on the love. To “pay it forward” to someone else. Not out of any duty, or karma, just because its who I am. Simple, honest, caring for other humans. (And because, well, in that place, there are new lessons for me too.)

So I don’t know what you want in your life, what your personal goals are. But I see you already caring for and discovering yourself in many ways. We all want to “be better” or perhaps just “feel better”. While that path is a very personal choice, I see you finding your way forwards already.

And I just want to encourage you to do, and to keep doing, whatever it takes to maintain forward momentum in your life.

I encourage you past the fears in whatever way it takes, because that is just the way forwards. 

Don’t be afraid. Just be who you need to be.

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[ feature/title image aerial photography of Mona Vale Beach, Australia, by Bo Le @safromabove ]

Journey. 5

It doesn’t matter what I achieve compared to others
It doesn’t matter the person I am, or am not, compared to others
What matters is the effort I make to always move forwards in love
What matters is my truth, deep within me – my honest loving heart
What matters is that I work to make the world a better place for everyone I have contact with
Caring for myself is not selfish, it is the priority, so that I have energy to share with the world
At times there may be a fine line between strength and exhaustion – everyone experiences this at times.
Then you must choose how much to turn in and how much to share out.
This is recharge time. Make it that and only that.
Take the time to nurture yourself in all the ways you know how.
This is the quiet way forwards when you feel like stopping. Some days momentum is the gentlest breeze past your ear, and other days momentum is swirling along with rushing water.
Take them all for what they are, different energies for different days.
And for now, take comfort in these truths.
Find your energy level and move with it.

(21 July 2016)

Journey. 4

It’s time to tell the truth
To myself
I’ve been lying for so long
Making up excuses
Believing hurtful words.
It’s time to hear the truth
Deep within my soul
That others have echoed
That will make me whole.
I am enough
I am already all that I need
Love maintains the fire in my core
Love surrounds me
Friends surround me with their love
as they appreciate the person I am.
There is no emptiness here
Only forgetfulness
Just remember
Love.

(20 July 2016)

Journey. 3

And then I’m reminded “you are love, you are all that you need”. And as I contemplate these words, gentle answers come:

Maybe you don’t have the words for yourself today. But you have trust. You have hope. You have love. All these are already inside you, they ARE you. Be content in the knowledge that what you need is already available to you.

And with these words, I see that I have the answers. They just weren’t the answers I was expecting.

(20 July 2016)

Journey. 2

Just a reminder
in case you have forgotten…
You are brave.
You are loved.
You are valued.
You are enough.
You are worthy.
You are seen…
& you have Never been forgotten.
This world can be ugly.
This life can be hard.
But always and forever…
there is Hope.
& you are never alone.
Keep holding on.

(19 July 2016)
Words from @oncomingalive

Tug-Of-War.

  
As the tug-of-war flares up inside me
I feel both, the forwards momentum, and
The screaming fear pulling me back
“That way hurts”; “That way is unknown, scary”
And many other words, whispered so secretly I can’t quite make them out
Being so exhausted, it’s too easy to let go and be pulled back
When did I last win this game anyway?
The joy and energy of victory are long forgotten.
Yet others join in on my side, grab the rope and pull for a while
Close friends, online friends, strangers,
Who all have my best interests at heart
Others who believe in me
While I try so hard to feel their faith,
To feed off the encouragement they give
And for the strangest time, I feel so little.

Trying To Make Sense.

20150404-005553.jpg

Some things make no sense
Some things don’t kill you
Some things don’t make you stronger
Some things break you in ways that may never heal
Do you really believe this, is it what you feel?
I want to believe that there is always recovery
That there is always redemption
That there are still undiscovered ways to be free(d)
That there is hope for me and especially for you
That there is some future worth all the pain
An existence with meaning and purpose
Somewhere loved to retreat to
And somewhere loved to spring forth from

(4 April 2015)

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Wrote this poem tonight after reading the words by J. Raymond
What part of life do you struggle to make sense of?
What do you hope for?

Who am I?

The Trigger Story:
I was fortunate to attend a most wonderful wedding in the Adelaide Hills town of Hahndorf on Sunday. A garden wedding at the Bride’s parent’s house, with a long garden down to a dry creek, locks of green grass and shady trees. Perfect weather, warm, sunny with a light breeze. The perfect location for everyone to relax, barefoot on picnic rugs and cushions, with local wine and shared food platters.

I enjoyed the time catching up with my wife’s work colleagues, who I know quite well after a number of years, as well as the Groom’s brothers and friends. Meeting and talking with the familiar faces and a bunch of awesome new acquaintances. It was, for me, the perfect day to relax and the best wedding guest experience I have ever had and I heard a number of people express similar sentiments.

As a whole I had very good personal experiences from Friday night right through to Sunday evening. Experiences that reinforced positive aspects of myself and my vision for how I want life to be.

The following writing is what came out over the weekend from my myriad of experiences. It seeped out through my pores and presented itself secretly and boldly to me. It is very significant and I am unsure how to hold onto this revealed truth and keep it as the realest part of me.

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The Poem:
Occasionally I see the me
That I know I am wholeheartedly
That feels real and genuinely
The uncomplicated and free
Person that I wish to be.

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The Clear Thoughts:
I want to have people close around me that understand me or at least don’t belittle me, accept me without criticism, encourage me and question me in ways that propel me forwards. I want people around me that have my best interests at heart without any selfishness or ulterior motives.

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20150302-225805.jpgMy hat, my shoes, my bare foot, my glass of local sparkling Pinot Noir Rosé, the grass and other’s picnic blankets.