When my medication evens out and my thoughts have returned clear
When the daily minute aggravations from your presence disappear
When you’re away and I am home with rabbits to care and feed
There is a space to contemplate what my heart can bear and need
I’m still alive after everything and forty odd years of life
Of seeming to struggle the whole time through, few moments without strife
I’ve always tried to improve my lot, with limited understanding sometimes
Now I’m getting back on track and getting my poetry back into rhymes
(26-30 November 2014)
[ Today’s poem is concealed within this crossword puzzle. Find the words, then group them together in order. And there is much to discover along the way. ]
Help me see that life has meaning.
That all the pain is worth the fighting.
[ my inside cries out tonight, needs support, needs to feel something positive, as I let myself be isolated by circumstance and inaction ]
[ Just two syllables. If that was all the message you could send, what would they be? ]
Suddenly I don’t care any more
Today’s words are “fuck it”
It’s so hard surviving
Both with you and without you
what a great relationship this must be
Haven’t even got out of bed this morning
and already cussing
Fuckity fuck fucken fuck
I can’t blame you for how I feel
Yet you have contributed so much
(23 November 2014)
Without your tender touch
I feel all alone
On my own, isolated.
Talking, laughing together,
leaves me cold
still so cold.
Late night sex is not enough
to save me from falling down
So deep beneath all.
I dreamt of everyone from yesterday
I was still searching for tender love
For somewhere to feel safe once more.
All my friends from yesterday were there
Caring for the dreamed me
But you were not.
Friends connect with me
They make the effort
to reach out emotionally
and make contact physically
And all I remember afterwards
Is the feeling of loss when it was over.
This is my broken focus
My negative thought direction
My cold position.
(23-24 November 2014)
One fourty three PM
Sitting at the office desk
Waiting for computer startup
Just showered and had breakfast
When you are tired
and slept through the morning
[ one of my father’s old wristwatches ]
Not out of bed and already
I’m hiding away today,
away from the pain.
But I will choose not to.
I will choose to feel the pain completely.
To push out in the opposite direction.
An experiment in being totally vulnerable.
I will not cover up or mask my feelings.
I will own them and travel with them today
and maybe I will find my way through this.
Feel the pain.
Journey with it today.
Don’t despise it.
Love it and learn from it.
My “mission statement” for today. I shared this via messages to friends, before getting up and heading out and meeting them at a pop culture expo in town.
One responded with “And I will hold your hand and catch you if you stumble”. I am grateful for my amazing friends.
I would have liked to just spend time resting and quietly being with some of them today, but there was much to see and do and 12 year olds to be kept busy.
I had a great day again, like yesterday, connecting with Artists and craftists and people in costume. I gave to them and they reciprocated energy back and we all parted a little lighter and happier than before.
I love people. Its so easy to open up to people you haven’t met before but have common interests with.
I did not struggle with the pain while I was out. It did not exist because my energy levels were somewhere else altogether. In a good way, I was not me. But at the same time I was wholely and honestly me. I was being someone so far away from the pain, that coming back to it at home was quite strange.
Even being home I acted through the pain by accepting it and pushing myself gently to some outside tidying up activities in the warm evening air.
I feel that I negotiated my day successfully. I have no regrets for today, only valuable lessons learnt through hard work.
for so long
here and there
The seasons change
Time to renew
is so easy now
By the handful
Pure essence of you
watch it float
on the morning breeze
A little ragged
will sort themselves out
(14 November 2014)
[ I call this poem a “duopoly”. It was written entirely with two distinct meanings in mind. For me, they were regarding a moulting pet rabbit and also regarding letting go of emotions and feelings. Let me know if any other interpretations occurred to you while reading. ]
Feeling strong emotions is exhausting for me. Or is it that I am exhausted when I start feeling strong emotions? I was going to use the adjective negative for my emotions, but really they are not necessarily so. Just my interpretation of the situation around feeling them is negative. So much is coming up, coming out, as I do this therapy homework. Today I suspect sometime (>20) years ago I started suppressing my strong feelings because I couldn’t deal with them or they were too painful.
Being critical of myself for feeling sad, letting that take me over, for being emotional exhausted and feeling unable to cope with it all. Rebut: I am coping with help from close people in my life. I am learning (something) through all this. I am surviving and becoming stronger, bolder, more caring in a less selfish way, because this is the way I am being treated by other(s). Even managing this rebut is an achievement to feel good about.
In some ways I cling to feeling miserable because despite the anguish, it affords me opportunity to connect with others in dealing with it. Therein lies the attraction that I hesitate to lose.
How do you feel about strong emotions?
How do you think I am going with this?
What coping advise can you provide?