A Deep Conversation with Myself. 

Why do I feel alone on my own?
Because I gain a great deal of energy from connecting with other people and I fell that I don’t get that on my own.

Why don’t I receive that connection on my own?
Because I feel inadequate with my own thoughts. There seems to be nothing to reinforce me, positively.

Why don’t I feel comfortable with myself in the quiet?
Historic uneasiness and Fear. Feeling trapped in the past even though I am moving forwards. There is an inner dark place that I am constantly running from and I am trying now to understand it now.

What is this inner dark place I am avoiding?
Self-hatred. Self-loathing. It is doubt of myself and feeling that I am inadequate.

Why do I feel inadequate?
Because I remember all the times I couldn’t do things, Couldn’t function, Couldn’t perform, Couldn’t work, Couldn’t please others, Couldn’t be liked.

And do you see that a lot of those “couldn’t”s are just assumptions about situations and prejudgements of the opinions of others?
Yes I see that. I want to walk away from that – pain – and yet it all feels so comfortable that I don’t want to leave.

What is the worst thing that could happen?
That I cannot function, that I am stuck in depression or frozen in fear. That nobody likes me, or loves me, or gives me attention. That I will be alone, all on my own with no-one to care for me.

Why do you need someone else to care for you?
Because Ive spent so long fighting to be noticed, that I’m exhausted and hurting and I don’t know what to do anymore to be happy.

What if I said that you don’t need others to be happy? And that you can love yourself and feel everything you need provided from within your heart?
I don’t believe that. Everyone is looking for someone to love and be loved by and they are unhappy when they don’t get that. I don’t want to be like them.

OK. This is big stuff. This is strong stuff. Powerful and unsettling and I understand that. But I want you to know that you are loved. By others and by me. These fears are real to you, but they are based on errors of judgement. There is a much more positive energy environment around you, if you can tap into that, you will see the more positive truth. I want you to focus on that, the more positive energy around you. Consider it, feel it, leave space for it to seep deep into your being and carry you to a more comfortable place of existence. This is already happening as you take in these words, let it continue. Let it be the only preoccupation for your mind. Let it shelter you from the dark places. Let it be your guiding light. A light of hope. A way of living that you will be proud of and comfortable with. For this is you. You are already this. Just let the cloudiness clear from your vision and see the truth of the awesomeness that your life is.

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Gaps in my Heart.

The gaps in my heart
That cry out to be filled
That I jam up with searching
And questioning myself
For criticism silences the inner voice

I fear stopping and listening
I fear the tears that may flow
And then never stop
Mostly I fear being unable to help
Feeling paralysed by pain

[ these words flowed after reading this post by Vonita. ]

Remember, There is Love.

Feeling unsettled,
exhausted,
uncomfortable,
uneasy

Focussing on the experience with curiosity

Letting it be,
sitting with it,
getting a feel for it

Approaching the difficult feelings,
what are they made of?

Pain

Fear

Hurt

Terror

Loss

These are truly difficult emotions

Give myself some space,
this IS what I’m feeling
and it IS draining

Don’t be hard on yourself

This is NOT failure

This is REAL experience

This IS life (sometimes).

Just breathe into it, gently

Allow yourself to go with it

This won’t last

It WILL pass.

For now, surround yourself in gentle love

Know you are loved.

This experience MEANS something,
even if you don’t understand it

It means you feel,
deeply

It means you care

And just as you do, so others care deeply about you

Even if you don’t feel that right now

It’s true!

Remember all they say and do

Giving without expectation

“No thanks required” one said

They just do it because they care,

The person you are, 

ALL of you,

They care

They love you

You are loved.

Hang onto that truth.

Whatever else you feel,

That truth still exists

Put it in your back pocket,

Or hold it tight against your chest

There is one emotion to guide you through everything

Love.

To Hear My Own Advice.

Each day is recovery,
even the ups and downs.
The shitty days and the good days,
they are all little steps to recovery.
I don’t know how exactly,
I just know it is.

Though the black days
feel like you’ve slipped back
somewhere you don’t want to be,
remember
you are still steps closer
towards something better.

I know right now
better is not equal to recovery,
but I know right now
there is something you can do for yourself.
Something good,
something you will one day be glad of.
But right now is all that really matters anyway.

Give yourself space
to breathe in a little more you than there was before,
push yourself that fraction of a millimetre forwards.
And afterwards
allow yourself
to feel some good about what you did.

Forget about the shitty feelings,
life’s full of them.

Do something right for yourself,
do something right now
that I could feel good about too.
Because I care enough
to do something right for you.
And if I was able to do more,
I would do it just for you.

===

[some advice to a writer friend, which I hope I can follow myself when I need it too]

Feeling Redefined.

Measured against some preconceptualised notion of human emotion
I worry that I don’t feel enough
Because I didn’t cry at his death
Or the funeral
Because I don’t weep and gnash my teeth
Because at the other end of the spectrum
Passion, excitement, intimacy
Are far larger in my imagination
Than in my reality
Because what I feel around her
Holding her
Is only the ghost
Of an earlier me

Rewind. Realign. Redefine.
I am who I am
Right now, right here
Being as honest as I can with myself
I am aware that I feel
Emotions spread over the whole day or two
are not focused into small moments as some others experience
I know I feel because I care
Caring this much is tiring
And lately my sleep has been less than enough
for any normal day, week
And with this added stress
it’s not surprising I struggled to move today
Body telling me it just needs a rest
And I didn’t understand that until tonight