A Tragic Toll.

All around me people I know are affected by the bushfires
Some can’t leave their home without choking on the smoke
Others are evacuated in the middle of the night with a single bag
Our unique wildlife is decimated
More of our country destroyed than in the Amazon and USA fires combined
My own home cycles between a heatwave and smoke-filled rooms
The country burns and the government does very little
Our own Prime Minister went on holiday with a global media mogul
Instead of staying to support his Nation
Priorities.
Denies the relevancy of all the fire warnings sent to him 6 months ago
He apologises, and then belittles the victims
Outright lies, and says the opposite of what he previously claimed
Claims whatever he says now is the truth
and whatever you think he said before is misrepresentation
Every day truthful news and reporters are Trumped
Am I living in the USA or Australia?
Family homes, local businesses, and lives are lost
Feeling for the victims, is overshadowed by anger
At a government that chooses not to act in ways that could help
That shows no strength and leadership when we need it.
Hope comes from those at their lowest
Those left with little who give it to others with even less
Others who give real support, selflessly, anonymously
Every member of the public who tries to do the right thing
To help their neighbours near and far
And having little to offer in practical terms, I do what I can, where I can
My heart goes out to everyone affected
And my anger at the government grows
They will not shame or scare me into compliance
For they are the instigators of these dramas
They are climate science deniers and selfish egotists
Perpetuating a social imbalance of power and wealth for their own benefit
They won’t get away with this
We will make noise until changes for the better, for all the people, are enacted.

On Daily Noticings…

Noticing that there is more to yourself than you often think.

Another layer of understanding and strength.

.

[ inspired by the words (Daily Noticing blog posts) of @chantellegarvin ; 2Dec2019 ]

A new EōN.

Screen capture from iOS app EōN, algorithmically generated Art & Music by Jean-Michel Jarre.
Channeling in
to the pain I feel inside
The emotional upheaval
and the unknown cause
Because I don’t like not knowing
Because to just accept this,
is difficult
When my whole life has been
striving to create some comfort
within a world that was
always so uncomfortable,
physically and emotionally.

Today I had to dive in
to the difficult hours
from this week past
And describe how I felt,
what I thought,
Reconnecting to those moments
To see where my thoughts
were really at
Hearing another perspective
To understand a way forwards
And tonight I could cry
Emotionally spent and weary.

So again I’m in the midst
of uncomfortableness
Not knowing how to cry
Fearful of the pain, of
wanting to curl up
and disappear from existence
Frustrated from feeling this way
When I could be celebrating life
Enjoying my new-found
freedom within a relationship.

The drum beats of EōN
shift my energy
Once again,
music is my saviour
Can a disconnected Artificial Inteligence
know my mood
sense my feelings
interpret a response?
One day this will be commonplace
For now happenstance is my friend.

With a clearer head
and a lighter heart
I commit myself to the night
To rest and recuperation
To new beginnings in new days
Tomorrow will be
what I make of it
Conscious choice will define
every moment as I travel
through the intersecting threads
of my world.

May your world and mine
interact and play
in a positive way
May we both feel significant,
useful,
real in some way that matters
May there be reason to smile
Reason to feel really alive
An energy that carries us
Forwards, together
Creating a brighter reality
A sense of purpose and belonging.

Always Feelings.

I feel much, and I feel little.

Emotional memories stir of past events, moments that just were; but became significant, painful, and joyful all at once.

They were left behind, thought they were let go; but circumstances brought them back to my conscious consideration.

Where they stir, simmer, and grab my attention for a while. Where they knock me off-balance and pull me apart; such that bringing myself back together, back to the present, is exhausting.

So I took today to rest my body; to rest my spirit and just be in my own space with no responsibilities. Choosing to act when I felt comfortable. Choosing to look after myself without guilt; to remember myself without influence.

There is joy in feeling little; in the quietness; in appreciating the silent mind that chose to be, today.

In Time, Life Changes.

In time, life changes.
Because you want it to, because you make it.
And then you wonder, about the different uncomfortables, the different suffering.
Healing pains.
Old wounds expelling poison, slowly improving.
And you wonder, do I feel better?
Because you wanted an end to the despairing discomfort.
While you still labour with troubles, afflicted with unsettling dis-ease.
Tiring dysfunction.
Besieged by the combination of interactive physical and mental symptoms and assaults.

Wondering if there will ever be more peace than battle.
Wondering when you will get back the strength you once felt, seemingly so long ago.
You look for hope, try to locate it whilst lost in the darkness.
Hope to stoke the fire within, to spark the light and bring back brightness.

===

{ Struggling today with the tiredness, aches and unease that follow an indeterminate gluten reaction the prior day. Source unknown, and a rare occurrence these days of constant vigilance. }

Remembering Completeness.

I remember

Pain and fun and all the experiences I had growing to where I am now. And remembering can be overwhelming, because of the emotion it brings. Especially the sad emotions, the hurt, the moments that led me to questioning myself until I curled up into a ball and burned with tears because I felt so small and insignificant and lost. I don’t feel like I’ve learnt how to move beyond that, I just know that it happens less often. The emotions don’t overwhelm very often. But I am troubled by the unsettling hurt constantly bubbling beneath the surface of my consciousness. An uneasiness that disturbs my calmness. I don’t want to deny it. But when I try to accept what it is, the pain is confusing in its powerful pull over me. I remember this can’t be ignored. I remember there are people who care about me. I remember to make whatever positive effort feels manageable at these times. I remember that doing a little of something is 100% more effective than doing nothing. I choose to action over my memories. I choose to allow remembering to be what it is. I remember that there is a better place for my spirit to exist. I remember to love myself first with a gentleness and acceptance. I remember my calm, loving self. I remember my completeness.

Holding On.

Some words must be blocked out

Never heard

Their dark, desperate,

deep disturbance

Disrupts the thine line

That I walk each day.

As they creep from the silence

I seek noise, distraction

action, engagement,

Push away the pressure

Leaving space for light.

Scarce lightness

Found outside in the sunshine

With the wind through my hair

As I glide along greenways

Nature ways

Pathways to sanity,

clarity, comfort.

There are no shortcuts

I know no easy way

to traverse time.

Just this time I find my way

quickly, quietly

Hopefully, generously,

happily, thoroughly

Following the hand

leading me along the light

Holding your hand tight

Holding what feels right.

Responsifeelingly.

Feeling responsible for others

and how my actions have influenced them

Telling myself that it is beyond my control

That I am not responsible for their life (any more)

Leaving behind, what I had to move away from

Will I forever be entangled with a past

that was so much of me?

Here, now, is who I am

This is where I decide who I will be

Where I cut emotional ties

and release myself from all that was.

Yesternow Rememberings.

I’ve been here before
Familiar feelings, familiar side effects.
I guess last time I didn’t learn the lesson
So what is it I’m trying to understand?
Uncover and reform the energy of before
Disassemble and redistribute emotions
Wanting to get this right
Wanting to grow and become a better person
And yet –
Here, now, in this very moment, is all that really matters
Within the timeless being of mindfulness is enough
Perhaps not perfection as can be judged
Just, perfection in being present –
In committing my energy to honour and love
For myself, then, for others
The first seems the hardest,
While the second comes naturally.
Looking for answers to ease my mind
Guidance to direct my thoughts,
So that action may follow
And it seems that there are other energies at play
Both supporting and molesting my growth.
Before, when my eyes were opened,
My heart flared with inner power
And now I’ve been lost again in the darkness
Searching blindly for direction,
For anything solid to carry me forwards.
It’s difficult to lead oneself out of the dark
Only guessing on direction,
Unaware of the circular path worn in the landscape
Missing trees, missing the green and the sunshine
I forget so easily what was, and
Get lost so easily in the yesternow.
Sometimes stepping forwards is terrifying
While staying in one place is certain death.
Through the fabric of my world bleeds everyone’s fears
Sensitivities expose this heart to those emotions
Yet, while crumbling in pain
I would shine out as lighthouse in the storm.
Shipwrecked,
Support rallies around me
Let me be conscious to embrace the care
Let there be light on my face and in my heart.

Out of Focus.

There are times I can see clearly
Specifically what I need to do
Have the motivation to act
The forwards plan in mind

Often these are the quiet times
When my nearby world is asleep
And all expectation has fallen away
Clarity, focus, simplicity

Then comes the morning
With its health complications
Confusions of position and ability
Managing myself prioritizes over the externalities
And life seems too confusing to manage.

.

(5 August 2018)