Responsifeelingly.

Feeling responsible for others

and how my actions have influenced them

Telling myself that it is beyond my control

That I am not responsible for their life (any more)

Leaving behind, what I had to move away from

Will I forever be entangled with a past

that was so much of me?

Here, now, is who I am

This is where I decide who I will be

Where I cut emotional ties

and release myself from all that was.

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Yesternow Rememberings.

I’ve been here before
Familiar feelings, familiar side effects.
I guess last time I didn’t learn the lesson
So what is it I’m trying to understand?
Uncover and reform the energy of before
Disassemble and redistribute emotions
Wanting to get this right
Wanting to grow and become a better person
And yet –
Here, now, in this very moment, is all that really matters
Within the timeless being of mindfulness is enough
Perhaps not perfection as can be judged
Just, perfection in being present –
In committing my energy to honour and love
For myself, then, for others
The first seems the hardest,
While the second comes naturally.
Looking for answers to ease my mind
Guidance to direct my thoughts,
So that action may follow
And it seems that there are other energies at play
Both supporting and molesting my growth.
Before, when my eyes were opened,
My heart flared with inner power
And now I’ve been lost again in the darkness
Searching blindly for direction,
For anything solid to carry me forwards.
It’s difficult to lead oneself out of the dark
Only guessing on direction,
Unaware of the circular path worn in the landscape
Missing trees, missing the green and the sunshine
I forget so easily what was, and
Get lost so easily in the yesternow.
Sometimes stepping forwards is terrifying
While staying in one place is certain death.
Through the fabric of my world bleeds everyone’s fears
Sensitivities expose this heart to those emotions
Yet, while crumbling in pain
I would shine out as lighthouse in the storm.
Shipwrecked,
Support rallies around me
Let me be conscious to embrace the care
Let there be light on my face and in my heart.

Out of Focus.

There are times I can see clearly
Specifically what I need to do
Have the motivation to act
The forwards plan in mind

Often these are the quiet times
When my nearby world is asleep
And all expectation has fallen away
Clarity, focus, simplicity

Then comes the morning
With its health complications
Confusions of position and ability
Managing myself prioritizes over the externalities
And life seems too confusing to manage.

.

(5 August 2018)

Looking for Less. Longing for More.

This lost feeling
I have no idea who I am anymore
Normal function seems impossible
And it has been impacting me for a year.

There have been stresses
Big, life-changing, emotional, relationship shifts
Thinking I was over the marriage break-up
But that grief and confusion seem to be stronger now more than ever.

And that other relationship
That was good and then not so good
Had to walk away from that one also
Now trying to process all the interpersonal confusion, all the self-blame, and damage that is caused by people who are hurting.

I’m the hurting one now
But I won’t let that effect my relationships
Feeling how much energy it takes to process all this
Left exhausted after physical health clashes with mental health.

I’m sure I used to have some idea
Of what I wanted, and particularly of who I was
All that is up in question
The old ways didn’t work, the new way isn’t new enough.

New ways of living are too much like the old ways
So discomfort creeps in
A wariness, a don’t-let-this-happen-again
Tries to break apart what is new and good for me.

Though the rest of my life feels in turmoil
I have a close relationship that is healthy
More sound than anything before in my entire life
The wonder of two spirits in synchronicity, joining together after crossing paths 29 years ago.

There are many things we do not understand
Why people cause pain
Some intentionally, some unknowingly
Why we choose to be brave at a particular time, and not before.

Unsettled life, unresolved personal conflict
Whether physical or mental, still the same results
We struggle not to completely fall apart
We struggle to survive, to be good, to create happiness

There is no better focus for the energy we have
If we could just thrive a little more than survive
If we could just have the energy, the health,
The freedom from pain to live a relatively normal life.

Is that too much to ask?

So Much Feels Like Nothing.x

So much
feels like nothing

Where is worthiness?
My own significance is invisible to me.

Other tells me what they see,
what they feel about me

And mostly it is meaningless
to me.

This dis-ease is a disease

The nothingness slowly eats away
at whatever was there before

I feel nothing now
except a hollow emptiness
That I attempt to describe
to exorcise it from my being

But the process is incomplete

It is an unearthing
an exposing
only

Not remediation.

I know its not right

Yet I don’t know how to deny
the lies.

.

[ 18 June 2018 ]

Getting Over It?

Relationship grief is tricky

Mourning the loss of what was

Mourning the loss of what might have been

Grieving the pain that became

Coming to terms with your choices,
the decisions that put you there,
for better or for worse.

Responsibility is always shared

Outcomes are the result of reasons

Sometimes beyond our control.

Forgetting is not an option

You are today, because of yesterday

No matter what has been
you always have a choice of what comes next.

Hopefully, we integrate and grow

Our desire to be better,
no matter what was.

And when I can no longer manage
the hurt that still pulls me apart

I hold onto the one solid piece of me

The love that I still give, that still burns brightly.

Digging for Well.

Some days there is no trusting myself

Questioning the reasoning behind my behaviouring

Doubting the truth of my feelings of love

Thinking my relationship needs are met

Only after carefully crafted expression

Because someone in my past accused me of that

Even if that claimant was reacting to their own fears

And knowing that is not my intent

Ever

That I strive for truth and honesty

In all that I seek or do.

Yet I understand there is possibility

That my little cracked heart

Still has some healing to fully restore feeling

To a level of understanding and completeness

That not everyone manages to achieve

So I wonder if

Despite my best efforts

I do love as transparently as I hope

Do I reciprocate as honestly as I believe?

And the awareness of that questioning

The self digging and uncovering undertaken

Reassures me that I am doing the best I can

Within these moments certainty answers back

“You are doing well”.

Perhaps us.

Perhaps my higher self chose you.

Perhaps part of me saw a need that I could fulfill and for reasons chose to be there for you.

Perhaps I’ve been doing this with many relationships in my life so far.

Perhaps this is who I am.

Perhaps I will continue this behaviour, if it is who I genuinely am.

Perhaps I will change.

Perhaps my current energy aligned with yours and bonded together.

Perhaps you are able to fully reciprocate my energy, my needs.

Perhaps you are here, now, to help me heal – just as I am for you.

Perhaps this is one way that people connect.

Perhaps this is one way people have a mutually healthy relationship.

Perhaps this is why this US feels so comfortable, so easy.

Perhaps focusing on the positives we have for each other is a great way forwards.

Perhaps right now, I believe all this to be true.

Heavy as a Day.

Longing for belonging
Instead feeling outside
Without real reason; as
Intrusive fears drag me away
From all who I love
From all that I love
Feeling the pain of separation
Fearing something unreal
Lost in a negativity storm
Comfortably surrounded by
white noise and aloneness
Whilst my brain screams
for all the opposites
That I need and want.

.

.

.

Simple fulfillment
is all that I desire.

Some Days. sʎɐp ǝɯos

Some days the struggle
seems too much
And some of those days
you push through that difficulty
And sometimes you manage
you function with productivity
Some days you find a light
Some days you feel hope
Some days you hear the voices
of every friend who supported you
Some days you ponder
the absence of positive mental health
and the struggles that hold you back

Some days the struggle
is too much
And some days pushing through
still results in no progress
And some days there is only
the heap of you unmoving
Some days are only darkness
Some days are hopelessness
Some days all you hear
is the criticism in your own mind
Some days you wish for
a single positive thought
and any way to move forwards