Digging for Well.

Some days there is no trusting myself

Questioning the reasoning behind my behaviouring

Doubting the truth of my feelings of love

Thinking my relationship needs are met

Only after carefully crafted expression

Because someone in my past accused me of that

Even if that claimant was reacting to their own fears

And knowing that is not my intent

Ever

That I strive for truth and honesty

In all that I seek or do.

Yet I understand there is possibility

That my little cracked heart

Still has some healing to fully restore feeling

To a level of understanding and completeness

That not everyone manages to achieve

So I wonder if

Despite my best efforts

I do love as transparently as I hope

Do I reciprocate as honestly as I believe?

And the awareness of that questioning

The self digging and uncovering undertaken

Reassures me that I am doing the best I can

Within these moments certainty answers back

“You are doing well”.

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Some Days. sʎɐp ǝɯos

Some days the struggle
seems too much
And some of those days
you push through that difficulty
And sometimes you manage
you function with productivity
Some days you find a light
Some days you feel hope
Some days you hear the voices
of every friend who supported you
Some days you ponder
the absence of positive mental health
and the struggles that hold you back

Some days the struggle
is too much
And some days pushing through
still results in no progress
And some days there is only
the heap of you unmoving
Some days are only darkness
Some days are hopelessness
Some days all you hear
is the criticism in your own mind
Some days you wish for
a single positive thought
and any way to move forwards

Vision.

I am
The sum of all I’ve ever done
I am
My everyday actions
I am
All that I want to do
And
I am
So much more that you don’t immediately see
unless you take the time to look beneath
and discover
motivations, desires
the forces that drive me.

See all that I might be
Potential is attractive
Is it enough to propel me forwards?

Do I need your belief in me to believe in myself?
Your point of view helps me see
the glimpse of what I can be
Unrestrained and free.

[ 27Sept2017 ]

Awareness Questions in 2 Parts and A Sad Conclusion.

Standing back, to get a clearer picture of what is going on
Not yet ready to step away from it completely
Wanting to understand this territory of pain
But why?
And does that matter, does any of this really matter?
Does any of this questioning and searching serve me any more?
I notice the struggle to let go of this moment
What am I hanging onto?
Is this just fear of change, or something much more?
The current advisory is to just be with it all
Paying no mind to what can or cannot be managed on any given day
Being at ease with just needing to rest, or to just feel
Which sits very uncomfortably with me
With my need to feel productive, to feel active
Ponderous times that I must journey through
Before being able to step into the productive day
Is this moment in time the journey’s end or a fresh start?

•••

If I stop fighting (this war inside my head)
Does that mean I give up, or give in?
If I stop pushing and resisting the lies
What does that reality look like?
If I stop the active struggle, the result
Curling up in bed, withdrawing in fear
Unable to face the world through exhaustion
And inability to concentrate or function
Replacing one undesirable situation
With another.
A friend keeps mentioning acceptance
This word keeps crossing my consciousness
Imagining it might just work, I hesitate
So tired to find the energy for any action.
As a tear trickles down my left cheek
I contemplate my present, for my future.

•••

I just want future me to be happier
With life
To not be engulfed by pain
Physical and mental
It’s too late for present me
All has led to this current experience
Lost in the shroud of darkness.

Questions of Direction.

Questioning in my head
From my heart
Who am I?
Stepping back from the path
I re-survey my vicinity
Much confusing pain around here
And many treasures
Seeing where the light has shone on me
And the rough patches of stumbling.
Perhaps it is true
The life of a writer is all this
It cannot be any other way
Embrace all that inspires and drives you
Blatantly and silently.
There is a balance within
To travel this path
With Zen flow
Accepting it all
Letting oneself be moulded
Whilst standing in higher consciousness.
With that visualisation before me
My heart cries over lack of faith
Lack of patience.
Then, as I breath
The voice comes to me
This is it. Right now
The moment for you to rise
And just let it all happen
Place the intention in your heart
It’s all about attitude.

===

I write to get the questions out of my head.
Do my answers serve me well?

Clarifying Some Thoughts.

Looking for approval from others
Like what I produced
Like what I said
Listen to me
Like me
Like

To fill the void that I leave empty
Critical of my unhappiness
Critical of my struggle
Critical of my worth
Critical of me
Critical

This is a product of my insecurity
Not feeling love from others
Doubting my own worth
Missing their action
And intention
Missing

Each day I see misunderstandings
That reinforce my opinions
Why don’t you love me
Why ignore me
Why push me
Why?

(17 June 2015)

Quiet Questions.

All is quiet
There is no screaming
No crying
The tight bonds of struggle
Have fallen away
Silence has descended
And opened up a space
For me to hear
To ask questions
And listen
What do I want to say?
What do I want to ask?
There is much wisdom
Inside of me
I need to be open to it

(2 June 2015)