Standing back, to get a clearer picture of what is going on
Not yet ready to step away from it completely
Wanting to understand this territory of pain
And does that matter, does any of this really matter?
Does any of this questioning and searching serve me any more?
I notice the struggle to let go of this moment
What am I hanging onto?
Is this just fear of change, or something much more?
The current advisory is to just be with it all
Paying no mind to what can or cannot be managed on any given day
Being at ease with just needing to rest, or to just feel
Which sits very uncomfortably with me
With my need to feel productive, to feel active
Ponderous times that I must journey through
Before being able to step into the productive day
Is this moment in time the journey’s end or a fresh start?
If I stop fighting (this war inside my head)
Does that mean I give up, or give in?
If I stop pushing and resisting the lies
What does that reality look like?
If I stop the active struggle, the result
Curling up in bed, withdrawing in fear
Unable to face the world through exhaustion
And inability to concentrate or function
Replacing one undesirable situation
A friend keeps mentioning acceptance
This word keeps crossing my consciousness
Imagining it might just work, I hesitate
So tired to find the energy for any action.
As a tear trickles down my left cheek
I contemplate my present, for my future.
I just want future me to be happier
To not be engulfed by pain
Physical and mental
It’s too late for present me
All has led to this current experience
Lost in the shroud of darkness.
Questioning in my head
From my heart
Who am I?
Stepping back from the path
I re-survey my vicinity
Much confusing pain around here
And many treasures
Seeing where the light has shone on me
And the rough patches of stumbling.
Perhaps it is true
The life of a writer is all this
It cannot be any other way
Embrace all that inspires and drives you
Blatantly and silently.
There is a balance within
To travel this path
With Zen flow
Accepting it all
Letting oneself be moulded
Whilst standing in higher consciousness.
With that visualisation before me
My heart cries over lack of faith
Lack of patience.
Then, as I breath
The voice comes to me
This is it. Right now
The moment for you to rise
And just let it all happen
Place the intention in your heart
It’s all about attitude.
I write to get the questions out of my head.
Do my answers serve me well?
Shall I tell the painful thoughts stuck in my head
Shall I share my unfulfilled expectations
Shall I talk of my hopes, dashed
my dreams, broken
my desires unmet
Shall I describe the anguish that silences me
Or shall I keep it all to myself?
I see pain, no matter the decision.
I need her intimacy
To validate me
Within the relationship
I feel rejected
On a daily basis.
What does this say about me?
Looking for approval from others
Like what I produced
Like what I said
Listen to me
To fill the void that I leave empty
Critical of my unhappiness
Critical of my struggle
Critical of my worth
Critical of me
This is a product of my insecurity
Not feeling love from others
Doubting my own worth
Missing their action
Each day I see misunderstandings
That reinforce my opinions
Why don’t you love me
Why ignore me
Why push me
(17 June 2015)
If Superman can’t rescue everyone
Has to choose who to help, who to ignore
Does that make him bad, or evil?
If Superman chooses not to rescue me
Even though I cried out for his help
Does that mean I’m not valuable enough?
Does that mean he is not what his fans say he is?
(8 June 2015)
All is quiet
There is no screaming
The tight bonds of struggle
Have fallen away
Silence has descended
And opened up a space
For me to hear
To ask questions
What do I want to say?
What do I want to ask?
There is much wisdom
Inside of me
I need to be open to it
(2 June 2015)
Is it possible to not be aware of the love someone is giving you?
Is it possible to see it but not feel it in a way that matters?
It is possible to be unaware of signals someone is giving you.
So from where does the feeling of what someone else is sending you originate?
Does it come from within oneself?
Do you need to be open to it and not blocking it from some internal preconception?
In a distracted moment of brief inner (and semi-imagined) dialogue, I asked myself, “What do you do if your significant other doesn’t provide what you need?” and an answer shot back “Redefine your needs.”
So much is going on in my head, changes, possibilities, positives and negatives, hope, bewilderment. Not happy about this coming up as well, but I think it is a product of all the other goings on right now, and therefore requires due consideration in some way.
What does love look like in your life? Help me understand, with your comments and answers to these questions.
I want to feel all that is inside me
and let it go
I want to be – all that I am
and ignore the opinions of others
I want to find my way forward
and leave the past behind
I want to work out
whether to embrace all the emotions
or let them go and walk away
I want to work out
when I can’t do all of the above
am I failing
or just being who I am in this moment?
Why do I want to change?
Why do i want anything to be different?
I think it hurts and damages me
But, does it?
Yes I have been damaged
By my worries about it all
By my mental reaction to it all
And my desire for something different
What do these two words mean, to me?
Do they destroy my life?
Do they push me forwards?
Do they chain me down?
Ego, pride, beliefs
I wish I had some answers to all this
Any answers would do
Please help me see what I need to see
Self blindness is my mortality