A Deep Conversation with Myself. 

Why do I feel alone on my own?
Because I gain a great deal of energy from connecting with other people and I fell that I don’t get that on my own.

Why don’t I receive that connection on my own?
Because I feel inadequate with my own thoughts. There seems to be nothing to reinforce me, positively.

Why don’t I feel comfortable with myself in the quiet?
Historic uneasiness and Fear. Feeling trapped in the past even though I am moving forwards. There is an inner dark place that I am constantly running from and I am trying now to understand it now.

What is this inner dark place I am avoiding?
Self-hatred. Self-loathing. It is doubt of myself and feeling that I am inadequate.

Why do I feel inadequate?
Because I remember all the times I couldn’t do things, Couldn’t function, Couldn’t perform, Couldn’t work, Couldn’t please others, Couldn’t be liked.

And do you see that a lot of those “couldn’t”s are just assumptions about situations and prejudgements of the opinions of others?
Yes I see that. I want to walk away from that – pain – and yet it all feels so comfortable that I don’t want to leave.

What is the worst thing that could happen?
That I cannot function, that I am stuck in depression or frozen in fear. That nobody likes me, or loves me, or gives me attention. That I will be alone, all on my own with no-one to care for me.

Why do you need someone else to care for you?
Because Ive spent so long fighting to be noticed, that I’m exhausted and hurting and I don’t know what to do anymore to be happy.

What if I said that you don’t need others to be happy? And that you can love yourself and feel everything you need provided from within your heart?
I don’t believe that. Everyone is looking for someone to love and be loved by and they are unhappy when they don’t get that. I don’t want to be like them.

OK. This is big stuff. This is strong stuff. Powerful and unsettling and I understand that. But I want you to know that you are loved. By others and by me. These fears are real to you, but they are based on errors of judgement. There is a much more positive energy environment around you, if you can tap into that, you will see the more positive truth. I want you to focus on that, the more positive energy around you. Consider it, feel it, leave space for it to seep deep into your being and carry you to a more comfortable place of existence. This is already happening as you take in these words, let it continue. Let it be the only preoccupation for your mind. Let it shelter you from the dark places. Let it be your guiding light. A light of hope. A way of living that you will be proud of and comfortable with. For this is you. You are already this. Just let the cloudiness clear from your vision and see the truth of the awesomeness that your life is.

Journey. 4

It’s time to tell the truth
To myself
I’ve been lying for so long
Making up excuses
Believing hurtful words.
It’s time to hear the truth
Deep within my soul
That others have echoed
That will make me whole.
I am enough
I am already all that I need
Love maintains the fire in my core
Love surrounds me
Friends surround me with their love
as they appreciate the person I am.
There is no emptiness here
Only forgetfulness
Just remember
Love.

(20 July 2016)

Journey. 3

And then I’m reminded “you are love, you are all that you need”. And as I contemplate these words, gentle answers come:

Maybe you don’t have the words for yourself today. But you have trust. You have hope. You have love. All these are already inside you, they ARE you. Be content in the knowledge that what you need is already available to you.

And with these words, I see that I have the answers. They just weren’t the answers I was expecting.

(20 July 2016)

Feeling Events.

Kneeling on the floor
In the cool morning air
Companion rabbit settled next to me

I feel so much
I feel for those affected
By senseless violence in Brussels

I feel so much
I feel for untimely death
Of Highschool friends and of strangers

And I hold tight
A cloak around me
Of love from my closest, and the like-minded

And I send out my intent
To all those in pain
A guiding light of Peace, Truth, Acknowledgement and Love

To all who are in need
In any way
This is shared for you, Spread for you, and for me.

Turning Away.

Of Love and Loss


It feels like
I gave you the best years of my life
Loved you with everything I had
And received so little back
Only a faint echo of my expression
It feels like
Now that I’m dying inside
And my health is dragged down
With my withering spirit
You step up, finally blossoming
And it feels like
I can’t face the world
Faking my face to you
Avoiding those who love me
Because I don’t want any of this
And it feels like
I can hold myself up
But facing the rest of the world
Is too much, too hard
Yet I don’t want to crawl into
-that dark hole with the slippery sides
Where I hide away
-and lose myself in regret.

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Seeking Love.

Of Love and Loss

Learning to love myself
Learning to fully look after myself
Providing all the parenting I missed as a child
Protecting, comforting, reassuring, accepting
And loving me just as I am
Is what I need to do.
It’s so easy to think
I just need others to fulfil that for me
But then I will always be wanting, expecting
Being needy, maybe demanding of others.
I once wrote “I feel like I’ve never been loved”
That makes it difficult to love
Difficult to accept love
And sometimes I feel ashamed

(23 November 2015)

“For whatever reasons we can feel like we’ve never been looked after fully. We have to be our own parent, protecting, comforting, reassuring, accepting and loving us as we are. It’s not easy and the invitation to feel angry and hard done by is strong. Why do we have to do the hard work, especially if we are…

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