img_5570

Answers Come Slowly.

Answers come slowly, one at
A time
As I step forwards through
The struggle
Motivation and enthusiasm for work is
Missing because
My inner critic says that I am a failure at
These activities
While I’ve been told this is
Not so
While I’ve been explained
The reasons
Rational thought is no support at
This time
Relying on the invisible, on
Trust only
I must.

Thinking Through Clarity.

I wonder.
I question why it is such a struggle to care for myself.
I observe my own situation, with compassion and curiosity,
and look for explanations, understanding, answers.
I feel the inner pain that is so common –
When it feels that I don’t know how to look after myself internally –
Am I seeking attention, love in a way that I understand,
from childhood experiences?
I question my early experiences with acceptance
I don’t recall those feelings,
I remember quite the opposite.
Religious instruction that constantly threatened punishment
A strict father who only saw black and white, right and wrong,
and failed to see past his preconception of a situation
Yes, he loved, but
I don’t remember a loving, supportive atmosphere.
And while I have come to an acceptance of my adult life experiences
I wonder about my childhood experiences
I search for memories, or thoughts, of
The type of loving care that I need to give myself Now.
Maybe this struggle to pull forth loving consideration for myself
Is due to a lack of experience,
A lack of early grounding in these lessons for myself
And maybe anyone trying to help me needs to remember this
Maybe I need to remember this
And be gentle, be understanding,
Be compassionate with myself, when
I struggle to treat myself in a way that others take for granted.

Stockholm Syndrome.

This environment is my familiarity
My friend through long association
Warning intentions are long silenced
Pushed back and smothered by
seemingly real existence.

I have embraced my environment
in order to survive
in order to feel some comfort
when there was insufficient elsewhere
Now I cage myself in the familiar
And hope can only be expressed by others
The sweet syrup of darkness,
sticks and engulfs me
Your light is not bright enough to shine through.

(12 May 2016)

Getting to Know me.

Won’t you take the time
Run your fingers through my soul
Uncover the hiding feelings
And discover just why sometimes I don’t

.

[ I wanted to leave this work at that point. You know, Less is more. But so much was coming out. And it went even further than I expected. What do you think, 1 stanza or 5? ]

Won’t you take a stroll
For a moment through my land
Traverse treacherous paths
Notice the shaking beneath

And
Won’t you take my hand
Lend support, comfort, presence
Lost in the darkness
Alone becomes forever

This be no fairytale
No wish granting nor fairy wands
Lifelines of Connection
Flare briefly before smothered

Every turn away, every shut door
Every assumption, and unspoken word
Deepening chasm, blackening darkness
Without change, there is no better

Clarifying Some Thoughts.

Looking for approval from others
Like what I produced
Like what I said
Listen to me
Like me
Like

To fill the void that I leave empty
Critical of my unhappiness
Critical of my struggle
Critical of my worth
Critical of me
Critical

This is a product of my insecurity
Not feeling love from others
Doubting my own worth
Missing their action
And intention
Missing

Each day I see misunderstandings
That reinforce my opinions
Why don’t you love me
Why ignore me
Why push me
Why?

(17 June 2015)

Alone in Pain.

No one understands me
No one gets what I’m trying to communicate during a struggle day
It frustrates and angers me
Pushes me to feel more alone than before

And why would they?
No one has the same experiences as or thinks like me
And I don’t know what else is going on in their head at this time
If they don’t respond appropriately to what I am communicating
Then maybe I haven’t articulated myself as well as I think

It’s easy to use broad statements
“I want to end it all”
“I can’t bear this pain any longer”
It’s much harder to find the mediated, sensible thoughts
That still convey what is happening within me
That have the most chance of others understanding
That convey the depth and breadth of my struggle

.

[ while I was writing this I came across the words below from last year, which directly connected with the now ]

Some days I want nothing more
than to be
understood

To know I’m not alone
in my pain

(30 June 2014)

Starting Again.

Having days for clear thought
even if they are “sleepy on the couch days”
has been good for me.
“Not worrying about everything but just being”
lets my unconscious mind unravel what is important to me
And some of that has become clear to me today.

My relationship with her does not matter
In that,
it is not something to expend my energy thinking or worrying about
It is not something that can be fixed or broken with a simple action
It is not something I am in a position to make decisions about
because…

I am already on a journey of discovering myself
Small decisions made in the past already set this in motion
In the past year alone I have learnt a lot about who I am and what I want
I just needed to be clear-headed enough to see the progress.
Looking forwards,
I need to find more about what matters to me
and what exactly it is that I want.

I live for connection with others
I long for expressions of love
I am learning how to connect with and show love for myself.
These principles are core to my life.

It’s a start.
This is me.

(2 February 2015)

20150216-222643.jpg[ This Easter lily has flowered rather early in the back yard this year.]

20141026-224137.jpg

Looking for a like-minded Poet.

Something is not right
Not to say something is wrong.
Trying to uncover the persistent feeling of lack
Of missing-ness
Is looking for an unknown.
Will I recognise it when I see it?

I feel so tired and down
To do things for myself
To self-fulfil
The connection and love
That i feel is lacking
But knowing that I am capable
Of these
Is a step forwards.

I want to converse
These topics from verse
But the conversations I imagine
Have not been forthcoming
Who will comprehend
Help my consciousness ascend?
Answers I do not require
A small understanding may inspire
Me to connect in bigger ways
Bring energy to my days

(19 October 2014)