Answers come slowly, one at
As I step forwards through
Motivation and enthusiasm for work is
My inner critic says that I am a failure at
While I’ve been told this is
While I’ve been explained
Rational thought is no support at
Relying on the invisible, on
I question why it is such a struggle to care for myself.
I observe my own situation, with compassion and curiosity,
and look for explanations, understanding, answers.
I feel the inner pain that is so common –
When it feels that I don’t know how to look after myself internally –
Am I seeking attention, love in a way that I understand,
from childhood experiences?
I question my early experiences with acceptance
I don’t recall those feelings,
I remember quite the opposite.
Religious instruction that constantly threatened punishment
A strict father who only saw black and white, right and wrong,
and failed to see past his preconception of a situation
Yes, he loved, but
I don’t remember a loving, supportive atmosphere.
And while I have come to an acceptance of my adult life experiences
I wonder about my childhood experiences
I search for memories, or thoughts, of
The type of loving care that I need to give myself Now.
Maybe this struggle to pull forth loving consideration for myself
Is due to a lack of experience,
A lack of early grounding in these lessons for myself
And maybe anyone trying to help me needs to remember this
Maybe I need to remember this
And be gentle, be understanding,
Be compassionate with myself, when
I struggle to treat myself in a way that others take for granted.
It’s time to understand
Other people have a different focus
They see over the hill
While you see around the corner, behind the shed, and under the tree.
(23 May 2016)
This environment is my familiarity
My friend through long association
Warning intentions are long silenced
Pushed back and smothered by
seemingly real existence.
I have embraced my environment
in order to survive
in order to feel some comfort
when there was insufficient elsewhere
Now I cage myself in the familiar
And hope can only be expressed by others
The sweet syrup of darkness,
sticks and engulfs me
Your light is not bright enough to shine through.
(12 May 2016)
Won’t you take the time
Run your fingers through my soul
Uncover the hiding feelings
And discover just why sometimes I don’t
[ I wanted to leave this work at that point. You know, Less is more. But so much was coming out. And it went even further than I expected. What do you think, 1 stanza or 5? ]
Won’t you take a stroll
For a moment through my land
Traverse treacherous paths
Notice the shaking beneath
Won’t you take my hand
Lend support, comfort, presence
Lost in the darkness
Alone becomes forever
This be no fairytale
No wish granting nor fairy wands
Lifelines of Connection
Flare briefly before smothered
Every turn away, every shut door
Every assumption, and unspoken word
Deepening chasm, blackening darkness
Without change, there is no better
Looking for approval from others
Like what I produced
Like what I said
Listen to me
To fill the void that I leave empty
Critical of my unhappiness
Critical of my struggle
Critical of my worth
Critical of me
This is a product of my insecurity
Not feeling love from others
Doubting my own worth
Missing their action
Each day I see misunderstandings
That reinforce my opinions
Why don’t you love me
Why ignore me
Why push me
(17 June 2015)
No one understands me
No one gets what I’m trying to communicate during a struggle day
It frustrates and angers me
Pushes me to feel more alone than before
And why would they?
No one has the same experiences as or thinks like me
And I don’t know what else is going on in their head at this time
If they don’t respond appropriately to what I am communicating
Then maybe I haven’t articulated myself as well as I think
It’s easy to use broad statements
“I want to end it all”
“I can’t bear this pain any longer”
It’s much harder to find the mediated, sensible thoughts
That still convey what is happening within me
That have the most chance of others understanding
That convey the depth and breadth of my struggle
[ while I was writing this I came across the words below from last year, which directly connected with the now ]
Some days I want nothing more
than to be
To know I’m not alone
in my pain
(30 June 2014)
Having days for clear thought
even if they are “sleepy on the couch days”
has been good for me.
“Not worrying about everything but just being”
lets my unconscious mind unravel what is important to me
And some of that has become clear to me today.
My relationship with her does not matter
it is not something to expend my energy thinking or worrying about
It is not something that can be fixed or broken with a simple action
It is not something I am in a position to make decisions about
I am already on a journey of discovering myself
Small decisions made in the past already set this in motion
In the past year alone I have learnt a lot about who I am and what I want
I just needed to be clear-headed enough to see the progress.
I need to find more about what matters to me
and what exactly it is that I want.
I live for connection with others
I long for expressions of love
I am learning how to connect with and show love for myself.
These principles are core to my life.
It’s a start.
This is me.
(2 February 2015)
[ This Easter lily has flowered rather early in the back yard this year.]
I know nothing will replace those holes within your life
And perhaps nothing will help you feel whole again
But with knowledge and understanding
I know you will be at ease a little more
And I pray the love of everyone you connect with
Will carry you a little lighter than before
[ I wrote this for my dear friend Tricia ]
Something is not right
Not to say something is wrong.
Trying to uncover the persistent feeling of lack
Is looking for an unknown.
Will I recognise it when I see it?
I feel so tired and down
To do things for myself
The connection and love
That i feel is lacking
But knowing that I am capable
Is a step forwards.
I want to converse
These topics from verse
But the conversations I imagine
Have not been forthcoming
Who will comprehend
Help my consciousness ascend?
Answers I do not require
A small understanding may inspire
Me to connect in bigger ways
Bring energy to my days
(19 October 2014)