I remember times when just getting up out of bed
was foremost on my mind
and the biggest struggle of my day.
I remember times curled up with undiagnosed pain,
when I wanted to die,
when I hated myself for being this way.
I remember times when I could get up,
could get out of the house;
yet my head would spin,
and focus and comprehension were distant lands,
long journeys away.
I remember not crying through most of this,
because that felt like weakness when I needed to be strong.
I remember needing someone close to me,
needing someone to sit with me and be present.
Not to fix, not to suggest I am broken,
just to keep the loneliness at bay and
to bring positive energy into my day.
And I remember rarely receiving that.
I remember not having those people around me
and not knowing how to ask for it.
I remember alone, pain, hatred, depression,
and all the physical manifestations of a life in turmoil.
I remember Stars in the night. ✩
I remember pouring my heart into words,
flinging those words into the dark sky and
watching them match up with the results of others’ efforts.
I remember seeing out there;
words – with emotions,
that became faces, that
reached out to me, that
helped make sense out of it all.
I remember their souls
their energy, compassion, and love
some now faded, some drifted away,
some still flickering – as my light did for so long.
And I am blessed
to have lived through this all
to have been present through it all
and felt every fucking feeling that life has to offer.
I see this knowledge and understanding,
an integral part of me,
a gift I am able to share with others
As my light shines bright, once more,
for myself, and for those I connect with.
This life exists most wholly
with those whose paths cross mine
For minutes, or days, or months.
And in those moments I am brightest
in those moments I shine and
share the warmth that glows in my heart.