A Letter from Inside the Struggle.

I don’t know who’s standards I’m trying to live up to. I just feel that 1½ productive hours in the office today is not enough, when I have jobs due to go out.

Maybe I am being hard on myself, I don’t know why that is so. I see it happening, but I can’t put together enough energy or thought to get past that observation. And so I feel helpless, or useless, or both. Maybe other people can find ways to switch their thoughts over to a more helpful, more positive direction. But for me Even a small amount of depression seems to make that an impossibility. 

Sometimes the best I can do is try and cope, try and get through whatever crisis or reaction is going on in my brain, try and survive to get to another day. 

What sort of messed up life is that? I don’t want to have that struggle every day with no end in sight. So often that is all I can see in front of me, and it’s not pretty. It’s not desirable in any way. It’s not something you want anyone else to have to feel or to go through. 

I could say I stand strong through it all, but that is nonsense. What I do is crumble, fall apart, and somehow just manage to not get washed away by the storm. The silent storm that nobody else sees, nobody else experiences. It leaves me wrecked and alone, locked inside my own head. 

And if I wasn’t able to express this all in words, I wouldn’t have survived thus far. 

Survival, how I hate that word. While it means life at the end, it also means the battle not to die. And I am so weary from battling. So drained from fighting, and for what? The chance to go through it all again? 

A vicious circle of perpetuation fills my sight tonight, as it does many other times. And seeing past, through, or around that to something else, seems beyond my present ability. 

So I thank you for listening, for thinking about what I say and for responding in a considerate manner that I truly appreciate. I apologise for my depression. I honestly wish there was some other way for me to be right now. And yet, here I am, in this unhappy place.

I hope you manage to be somewhere better.

I Need Someone to Listen.

I need to speak
Even if no one seems to listen
I need to find my voice
When I don’t know what to say.

My story may be worn,
tattered, messy, and bruised
But it is the only one I have
Even if it doesn’t make sense
Even if it feels all too much.

I need to know I matter
I need to know that my heart,
my voice, my life matters
I need to know I have value
I need to know that I have purpose,
when it’s impossible to see.

I will embrace this
Rough edges and all.

All I have to do is begin to speak.

===

[ When I have fallen and can’t call for help, sometimes another spirit speaks for me. Based on words by Lexi Behrndt #oncomingalive ]

It’s Something Like This.

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I’m scared.
No actually, I’m terrified.
What if this is it?
What if my life is going to be – this complicated struggle – through the foreseeable future?
I see all the negatives so clearly.
I pass by the positive aspects of my life with a mere glance and they are forgotten. Overshadowed and overwhelmed by the crushing defeat of my failures.

Everyday life, is not.

Living mostly involves managing a small portion of what I used to be able to achieve.
Unknown ill health, exhaustion, reactions to food.

And the deteriorated mental state.

Medication seems to take an edge off the depression.
Leaving a space filling with – all this other negative emotional/physical/mental detritus.
Just finding the energy to get by, to deal with ALL OF THIS, leaves so little spare for love.
For others, and, ultimately for myself.

So as I contemplate another week of juggling energy – for work, to live – for myself, to keep going – and just maybe, something left for others – I feel … I feel too much.
I feel overwhelmed and unequipped.
I feel lost in the swirl of a life where people make demands of me everyday.
And more than anyone else, I make demands of me.
Urgings that sit uncomfortably with a body that seems to require the opposite.

Some days, making personal decisions feels like deciding the fate of the world.
Some days I just need to take time out, to find myself, to find that core of me around which I balance, and build outwards from there.

(15 March 2016)

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Last Night and This Morning, Many Times Over.

I want to cry
All the hurt I feel
Constantly
All the pain that
Tears at my heart and mind

My heart is heavy
It drags me down
Into the warm bed
Where I sink and sleep

Heavy eyelids flicker
Morse code for my mind
The restart message
Over and over until
A moving body gets up

And Today was Nothing.

This is part of how I feel today, after writing about my Dad and yesterday’s work outside. This is the struggle I have felt uncomfortable with most of the day. And this upsets me when I can’t work out how to deal with it. I just want to sleep the day away, and I feel useless to myself and others. These common days of uncommon unpleasantness.

The emotional pain
The upsetting and tears
Don’t want to push them away
Need to feel
and acknowledge them
But it becomes too much
Overwhelming
Sanity tearing apart
Dry sobbing
Self-protection kicks in
Focus on this breath
and the next…
Life becomes survivable
for another moment

As I Think of This Day.

I don’t want to move
From this bed here, this shelter
If I just close my eyes
Can I just sleep through this day

Out there is the world 
That frustrates and upsets me
I push and I struggle
Just to get through each day

I have friends who embrace me
And joke alongside me
Include me in what
They arrange for some days

Yet depression still grabs me
Immobile I lay here
Unable to think
Or do much with this day

To closed eyes keep drifting
To dreams my head shifting
Too heavy my body
Will not move for today

.

[ if you can remind me of the poetic metre or pattern that I have used here, please speak up, as my memory and searching have not been fruitful today ]

Silver Linings – Day 21.

“Participation”

Today I sent an email to a social/community group that I am a committee member of, to let them know that I am feeling overwhelmed by life at the moment and am unsure of my ability to participate much.

I was in bed all day today. Sound asleep mostly. Except for when I had to get up and eat something to take my medication with, because I realised my reminder alarm had been going off for about half an hour.

The good thing is that I consider all of these members my friends, and I knew that they would be supportive.

I received back supportive responses about caring for myself as a priority. A close friend sent a message congratulating me for speaking up and saying how good the email I sent out was.

And during the day I found a beautiful mention on a friend’s blog regarding a poem I dedicated to her yesterday. And also received words of wisdom from her tonight.

When I feel like I’m crumbling apart, it’s good to know that my friends are behind me supporting however they can.

Who do you turn to for support?