So Much Feels Like Nothing.x

So much
feels like nothing

Where is worthiness?
My own significance is invisible to me.

Other tells me what they see,
what they feel about me

And mostly it is meaningless
to me.

This dis-ease is a disease

The nothingness slowly eats away
at whatever was there before

I feel nothing now
except a hollow emptiness
That I attempt to describe
to exorcise it from my being

But the process is incomplete

It is an unearthing
an exposing
only

Not remediation.

I know its not right

Yet I don’t know how to deny
the lies.

.

[ 18 June 2018 ]

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Getting Over It?

Relationship grief is tricky

Mourning the loss of what was

Mourning the loss of what might have been

Grieving the pain that became

Coming to terms with your choices,
the decisions that put you there,
for better or for worse.

Responsibility is always shared

Outcomes are the result of reasons

Sometimes beyond our control.

Forgetting is not an option

You are today, because of yesterday

No matter what has been
you always have a choice of what comes next.

Hopefully, we integrate and grow

Our desire to be better,
no matter what was.

And when I can no longer manage
the hurt that still pulls me apart

I hold onto the one solid piece of me

The love that I still give, that still burns brightly.

Digging for Well.

Some days there is no trusting myself

Questioning the reasoning behind my behaviouring

Doubting the truth of my feelings of love

Thinking my relationship needs are met

Only after carefully crafted expression

Because someone in my past accused me of that

Even if that claimant was reacting to their own fears

And knowing that is not my intent

Ever

That I strive for truth and honesty

In all that I seek or do.

Yet I understand there is possibility

That my little cracked heart

Still has some healing to fully restore feeling

To a level of understanding and completeness

That not everyone manages to achieve

So I wonder if

Despite my best efforts

I do love as transparently as I hope

Do I reciprocate as honestly as I believe?

And the awareness of that questioning

The self digging and uncovering undertaken

Reassures me that I am doing the best I can

Within these moments certainty answers back

“You are doing well”.

Perhaps us.

Perhaps my higher self chose you.

Perhaps part of me saw a need that I could fulfill and for reasons chose to be there for you.

Perhaps I’ve been doing this with many relationships in my life so far.

Perhaps this is who I am.

Perhaps I will continue this behaviour, if it is who I genuinely am.

Perhaps I will change.

Perhaps my current energy aligned with yours and bonded together.

Perhaps you are able to fully reciprocate my energy, my needs.

Perhaps you are here, now, to help me heal – just as I am for you.

Perhaps this is one way that people connect.

Perhaps this is one way people have a mutually healthy relationship.

Perhaps this is why this US feels so comfortable, so easy.

Perhaps focusing on the positives we have for each other is a great way forwards.

Perhaps right now, I believe all this to be true.

This Idea of Journey.

The thing is, most of the time I have no idea what I’m doing.

There’s certainly no devious plotting.
There’s no following the path in front of me, because I have no idea where I am and no idea where I’m going.

Mostly I just try to get through the day with as little damage as possible.

Yes I take any opportunity to brighten someone else’s day, because I care about other people.
I know what it’s like to feel alone, unloved, and to feel like you are not worth any effort from yourself or from others.

There is a deep dark loathing black hole down there, and most days I just want to keep myself as far from its reach as possible.

Plenty of days I fail to manage that.

Eventually, I take one little step forwards each day, to build up momentum and keep moving forwards.

How much do I care about you? That depends on the day, but generally quite a lot. The love you share with me is absorbed, added to and reflected back. My creation of original love is scarce, because of the energy it requires, and because of the emotional process required.

(W)here there is Greatness.

The message sent to me

“You already possess
everything necessary
to become great.”

Yes indeed. Right now, right here, just as I am.

Then followed the thoughts of darkness.
And I saw that all is in balance. It needs to be.

The darkness is simply another energy that contrasts the light. It can be used in different ways. It must be understood differently.

And I see that harnessing and managing the darkness has been difficult for me in the past because I didn’t have the skill-set or the understanding.

These are tools and techniques that can be learnt – if we are brave enough to discuss them openly.

Difficulties arise within the pain that typically accompanies the darkness. The pain of unmet life expectations, or the pain of confusion and perceived loneliness. These brief memories spring forth for me right now. And there is no pain within these memories, within this moment. For my understanding of life, and of myself, lets gentle awareness be in charge.

This entire reveal comes with a quiet calm, of knowing that the choice is mine every step of the way. That every thought, action, every motivation and decision, can propel me forwards – into the light, and greatness.

Energy Perspective Shifts.

Attracting the energy of the mood I’m in
Leads to confusion during disparate times
Between outright positive and subtly negative phases.

Feeling sorry for myself;
Links me to people who will feel sorry for me
And yet that is not what I really need.

Empathy and sympathy are part of care
There are other energies that benefit me more;
Positive understanding, with hope and optimism,
Will shift perspective to my benefit.

The Horizon of Desire.

My desires feed a deep place inside
Not dark, for this shall be revealed with those who choose to ask, those who choose the closeness

Hunger grows and searches for equally matched desire
There is no boundary between physical and mental intimacy
I simply crave the deepest sharing and connection
And the decision to partake is valid only for the space the energy occupies

While relationships constantly change, acknowledgement and respect remain the vanguard of this new reality

My responsibility is to be better than we’ve ever been before
To set an example of the best a human can be

Deciding on true equality, true out-in-the-open honesty and integrity
This is to what I give my consent.

.

[ inspired by the words of Laurie Penny. ]

Vision.

I am
The sum of all I’ve ever done
I am
My everyday actions
I am
All that I want to do
And
I am
So much more that you don’t immediately see
unless you take the time to look beneath
and discover
motivations, desires
the forces that drive me.

See all that I might be
Potential is attractive
Is it enough to propel me forwards?

Do I need your belief in me to believe in myself?
Your point of view helps me see
the glimpse of what I can be
Unrestrained and free.

[ 27Sept2017 ]

Once More, Unto Hope.

I will not acknowledge this darkness clawing at my soul
I will not name it depression, grief or anxiety, which gives it form and offers it power
I will not give in when the desire to hide away, from people, from loved ones, from life,
Calls me incessantly and offers an uncomfortable ease to this troubled heart
I will not doubt my own worth
I will not question every part of my being that others see as positive
I will not make life-changing decisions based on the fear of my present.

There are so many ways to dive into these depths
And in the past I’ve tried them all, tested their effectiveness
So I know that path isn’t right for me right now
Despite the comfort of familiarity all of that could be
There is only right now, hunched over,
Wanting to stand tall, but bearing the weight of my world on my shoulders
So for every step forwards, and every step backwards,
I know my focus on the future will eventually win through.

Hope calls me forwards
I don’t recognise it’s shape, but the warmth is enough to draw me away from this icy cold.
Hoping for a mind unrestrained by this clutter and weight.
Hope is a quiet voice, whispering encouragement through the darkness
Leading me onto a new path
Reminding me of the light that exists out there.