The conversation, Part 2

curl up
hideaway
shy from the pain

trying
to communicate
driving me insane

looking for
emotional
ties and connection

finding just
your reaction
feeling rejection

The conversation.

I start
and you respond
equally
same length
same energy

I’ve stopped
because
you haven’t added anything
or delved
or questioned
or offered insight

I opened up,
stretched my emotional boundaries
to kickstart communication
let you know how I feel
and received none of that back

Results
disappoint
So I shut down again
Why
make
any
effort
at all?

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Love. Lost.

There was feeling
once
for a while.
A connection
mutual
attraction.

Wasn’t there?

Or is my memory
now
of wishes
and dreams
only.

We always saw
life
differently,
But agreed
on love.
For a time.

Irrational?

Within a depressed state of mind
My thoughts are irrational
The only words I can abide by
are that I cannot trust my own judgement.

Simple tiredness
Repeated and compounded
Also triggers a depressed state
wherein thoughts and judgement
are too skewed to be trusted.

Run down, weary, worn out
By-products of extended illness
By-products of extended stress
Same triggers
Same end result.

How to trust myself?
How do I make decisions to improve my life?
When I never feel the clarity

Fear

The fear stabbed like a knife
the pain in my heart was a shock
grabbing my entire attention
“Normal life will resume shortly”
was nowhere to be seen.

Productivity failure
Consequential guilt
Feel-ing time
Continuance malfunction
Bewilderment day

Criticism abundance

Scared

Today I’m scared
of the unknown
As a child
it was the dark
and strange noises outside
Now
it’s about what my life may bring.

It starts uneasily
then quickly becomes crippling
The urge
to curl up
and hide away.
Instead I feel guilt
for not being responsible
for struggling to be productive at work.

Two dimensional.

Flat day
scary day
wasting away

unwell
unfeeling
unmotivated
unspoken
unreal

lost
lonely